OF THE FOURTH SUGAR QUILL SUMMIT
(As recorded by Moey)
Part Three (Continued from Part Two...)
DATE: 05/11/01 - 05/13/01
PLACE: SQ NOVA
HEADMISTRESS, PURSER ON THE GOOD SHIP R/H
GUEST STAR ON THE GOOD SHIP R/H
OF THE GOOD SHIP R/H
SHIP R/H GOODWILL AMBASSADOR
PROFESSOR, FIRST MATE OF THE GOOD SHIP
A/N: These minutes are dedicated to James, the PIMP, tattoo
artist at Insane Ink, Leesburg, VA. He thought we were the strangest girls
he’d ever met. Thanks, James!
When we last left our heroines, they were having a few innocent
drinks with the loinclothed boys. Headmistress Zsenya had just received word
that SQHQ had been penetrated by the enemy…
"This cannot be happening!" Zsenya shouted hysterically. "Moey,
what the hell is going on? How could this have happened?"
"Zsenya, calm down. It's not a true security breech," Moey replied
confidently. "They've simply commissioned a scout. We knew they would."
"We can hardly blame them," B added. "We've been lurking in
their waters on and off periodically for some time now."
"Don't worry - we'll convert them by Book 7," said
Kathy firmly, pulling on her hat and whipping out her Palm Pilot. "Let's
see..." They all watched as she entered To Do: Convert H/Hers. Must
be completed by December 12, 2005.
"That's it. We're going back to SQHQ." Zsenya said as she got
out her wand.
"What? Now?" Arabella, who was on her seventh Gred & Forge,
looked confused. Harry, who could not keep up with her, was lying on the floor
under the table.
"Hey, I thought we were going to take a bath?" asked Still -
after what now, two months? - Out of Character Ron.
The rest of the SQ Gals looked at each other in disbelief. Elanor
piped in with "I thought there was going to be porn! Where's the porn, beyotch?"
"We have to go to SQHQ….NOW!" It seemed Zsenya meant
business, so the rest of the gals got up and each in turn Apparated out. Of
course, not before a few good-byes to their favorite redheads in loincloths…
Back at Sugar Quill Headquarters….
…the gals were joined by Jedi Boadicea. (Who will be henceforth
be abbreviated JediB because it's easier)
"JediB!" they all screamed in unison. JediB smiled and flipped
her long, Veela-like locks over her shoulder.
"I got here as quick as I could when I saw the headline."
"What headline?" asked Arabella.
"I have double checked all the Security Charms and everything
seems to be in order," Zsenya interrupted, still being anal.
"Argh! What did I tell you?" Moey grunted.
"What headline?" B asked this time.
"This one." With a flick of her wand, JediB produced a copy
of the latest edition of Parselmouth. "How can you not have seen it
yet? Where the hell have you been?" JediB spoke a mile a minute. "What are
you living in, a box? It's the biggest story to hit the papers since Voldemort!
People! This is sirius!"
"We were a little, er, busy," Arabella said, rubbing her temples.
"Teehee, teehee," Elanor giggled.
"Why are you so livid about Parselmouth? It's only an
awful wizarding rag." B asked curiously. Moey snatched the paper and began
"What is this garbage?" exclaimed Moey. "I never! What the @#$%!"
Her sailor curse mode was in full effect as she continued reading the article.
There on the front page of Parselmouth was a picture that looked like
Moey with a redheaded child in her lap. It read: Parselmouth Exclusive!
First picture of newborn Weasley Love Child!
"Don't worry," said Elanor. "We'll get to the bottom of this."
"Well, it does look like you, that's for sure," said B as she
examined the photo. "Right down to the eyepatch and wooden leg. And the kid…that
kid looks awfully familiar as well."
"But you know it isn't me, right? I mean come on! It
must be some dastardly plot."
"Oh Moey, we'll figure it out. But in the meantime, we need
to take care of some business." Elanor was looking at her 'to do' list when
suddenly, Arabella called out,
"Hey guys! We seem to have a problem." Everyone rushed into
the back of SQHQ. Arabella was sopping wet standing in the middle of the loo.
Water covered the floor.
"Damn it!" B yelled. "Myrtle, is that you again? I know it's
you!" Then, turning to Arabella she asked, "You know why she did this don't
"Duh, you were flirting with Harry! You know she has a crush
on him. She's pissed!"
"Uh, she's dead!"
"Don't we have any Ghost-B-Gone?" Moey asked.
"No," Zsenya replied. "We used the last of it to get rid of
those annoying little trolls that kept creeping in because we were all out
of Troll Traps."
"How about some Poltergeist Motels?" Elanor asked as she searched
under the sink. "The disturbances check in but they don't check out. Teehee."
"Nope, used them up in the last shipping war," B answered. "Remember?
All those bad vibes caused quite a ruckus. We need something more powerful
for this one. I'm calling someone." She started paging through the local fireplace
directory. "…species control…spectacles…here it is, specters. This one sounds
good, 'The Phantom Rangers, specializing in residual removal, phantom
effusion, poltergeist expulsion, and specter extraction'."
After several minutes at the fireplace, B reported, "They are
sending someone out to look it over in a few minutes. They said they will
probably set up some traps and come back in the morning. It should only take
a few minutes, which is good since you have appointments tonight."
"I'm getting a tattoo!" Elanor squealed. "I can't believe I'm
going to get a tattoo!"
A few minutes later, an older, slightly balding man appeared
in the fireplace. "Hello! I'm Joe from Phantom Rangers. Someone called
about a specter extraction?"
"Yes," said B. "We have a haunting in the toilet. She's making
a horrible mess." B walked Joe back into the bathroom.
"Ah yes," he began. "You see, what you have here is a typical
haunting, maybe even a poltergeist. Definitely not a residual since those
don't cause damage. We can take care of this problem by tomorrow." He began
unpacking his equipment.
"What's that?" Arabella asked, pointing to a small box with
a meter on it.
"It measures the electromagnetic current in the room. Do you
know that people with high EM's attract ghosts and other paranormal experiences?"
"Well then, I must have a high EM," she said smugly.
"Well, hold your hand over it and we'll find out," Joe said,
placing the box in front of Arabella. She held her hand over it but nothing
happened. "Strange, you don't seem to register at all."
"Humph," she snorted.
Joe droned on for another hour about his equipment and ghosts.
The SQ gals were only half listening to him, all the while watching the clock
on the wall. The hand was closing in on 'Tattoo Appointment' and they were
eager to get going. Joe finally finished, but not before giving Moey a curious
"Hey, aren't you the girl in the paper? The one with the lovechild?"
"That is not me! I don't know who it is, but it isn't
me!" Moey retorted.
"Hmm, do you know what it could be?" he asked. "It could be
that you have a doppleganger."
"Doppleganger is German for double person I believe. Basically
you have a double. It could be of a spectral nature. I could investigate for
"Well, we'll let you know," Zsenya said rather hurriedly, pushing
him toward the fireplace and holding out the Floo Powder for him. "Thanks
so much!" she said, waving, as he stepped into the fire. "I thought he would
never leave! Come on, let's go!"
Since the tattoo parlor was very close to SQHQ, the gals decided
to walk. They stopped in the local wizard bookshop to kill some time, and
much to their surprise they found Ron there reading palms.
"I can't believe it! What is he doing here?" Elanor gasped,
staring at the redheaded figure bent over an older lady's palm.
"Thirty galleons?" JediB exclaimed. "He's charging thirty galleons?"
"You know, he does have to pay for his and Moey's lovechild,"
Zsenya quipped. Moey glared at her with her one good eye. They stared at Ron
for a minute more before going back to wandering around the shop.
They were looking over several books on Divination and Astrology
when Ron approached Arabella. Grabbing her hand, he traced his fingers over
the lines and described what he saw. He was spot on when he told Arabella,
"You want to be Queen, as is evidenced by this line here. And this one over
here, this one tells me that you need a good shag. I can take care of both
for you. I have a crown and whipped cream back at my place."
Arabella quickly snatched back her hand. "Er, we have to go."
The six of them quickly left the shop and went into Insane Ink
where they met the proprietor, James. James was a rather reserved figure who
wore his tattoos with dignity, especially the 'PIMP' tattoo on the inside
of his bottom lip.
Zsenya gave James her quill drawing. "Four please."
"You're all getting the same thing?" asked the super tan frat-boy,
who had a southern accent but claimed he was from New Jersey, as he handed
out release forms and after-care instructions.
"What are you, some sort of cult?" James asked.
"Coven." Zsenya replied.
James, who had piercings the size of soup cans in his ears,
looked at them oddly. "Right, coven. So, who is first?"
"I am!" exclaimed Zsenya. She and Arabella were led into the
inking room by a kindly, toothless, old hag. As Zsenya was prepped by Jackson,
James's assistant, the other four looked in through the window. Arabella held
her hand through the whole tattooing, and in turn Elanor held Arabella's.
JediB and B, both not ready for tattoos at this juncture, stood
outside discussing what they would get if they were to get them. JediB, Dark
Queen that she is, thought to herself that the Dark Mark would suit her best.
As she sat watching the others get tattooed, she was plotting to bring innocents
into sex acts with villains.
During her turn, Elanor squirmed and fidgeted and dug her fingernails
into Moey's hand. When James finally finished and turned off the needle, Elanor
screamed, "That hurt! It hurt like hell!" This did not help Moey, who was
going last. When it came time for her turn she was a tad unsure.
"It's going to hurt."
"It does hurt, I won't lie to you Moey," said Zsenya. "But it's
not that bad, really."
"It's going to hurt." Moey couldn't seem to get past the pain
Elanor was adamant. "Moey, it hurts like hell, but as your Captain,
I order you to get this tattoo!"
"Argh, aye, aye." Moey followed Jackson into the inking room.
B held her hand as she leaned forward. He second bout of sailor-like cursing
for the day began the minute James put the needle to her back. The other four
gals looked on, laughed, and sang to her through the window. However, she
did feel a bit full of herself when James told her that for someone that fretted
the most, she sat the most still.
The tattooing was over, and four of the six SQ Gals had the
beautiful and meaningful Quill tattooed on their backs.
They walked back to SQHQ and Elanor brought out a batch of her
special brownies. Soon after eating them, the gals found out what made them
so special - Elanor's secret ingredient was Billywig stings. Floating and
giggling happily, the gals spent a lovely evening free of the horrors of enemy
There was nothing more left to do besides sing, chat, and drink.
Gred & Forges were passed around, and the SQ soundtrack was played. All
was right with the world. The prologue to After the End was posted to much
acclaim and controversy. No one could predict what would come later, however.
One by one the gals fell asleep. First Elanor, then Zsenya,
then B and JediB. Arabella and Moey were the last two standing when Charlie
"Hey ladies, having fun?"
"Boy, Charlie, B sure has you trained well," she said, eyeing
"I'm not allowed in if I'm wearing anything else," he said,
blushing in that beautiful Weasley way.
Things got a bit rowdy as they normally do with Charlie, so
the three of them took it outside. "B just rolls her eyes at me, but I know
she digs the tattoo."
Arabella, who had just heated up a pizza, passed around the
pieces. "Charlie, we all love the tattoo," Arabella said, staring at the dragon
drawn across his strong, muscular chest.
Charlie devoured over half the pizza and then got up. "Well,
I'm off! Give B my love."
"We will dear," Moey said, waving goodbye as he Disapparated.
Moey and Arabella chatted with distant SQ-ers in Florida and
Minnesota until Arabella finally went to sleep. Moey took out here wand, recorded
herself mocking all the sleepers and crashed.
The first words spoken the next morning were by B. "You two
ate ALL the pizza?"
"No, Charlie was here. He ate most of it," Arabella answered,
"Just like him!" B then asked, "Was he in uniform?"
"You know he was."
Just then a voice came through the fireplace. It was Joe from
Phantom Rangers. He was back to collect his traps. He spent over an
hour in the bathroom and even had to go check out the neighbor's toilet.
"The whole complex is infested."
"Your kidding! With what? Is it a poltergeist?" B asked.
"What could be worse?" asked JediB.
"Well," said Joe, "it seems you have a very nasty phantasm.
Come here and take a look."
They all followed Joe into the bathroom. There all over the
walls, written in horrible Slytherin green were the following: H/H Forever!,
H/D love is best!, and D/G all the way!
The gals looked away, horrified.
"It's going to take some time, but I think I can get rid of
it," said Joe not sounding very sure of himself.
"We have to find a way to get rid of it now," said Zsenya.
"This is...it's just too horrible for words, I can't…"
"I dunno," said Arabella slowly, "I'm beginning
to think there might be something to this whole D/G thing."
Elanor let out a strangled cry.
"Draco is quite fascinating," said Jedi enthusiastically.
"Well, I do have some contacts over at the Ministry -" began
"Call them. Call them now," Zsenya was almost in hysterics.
"Do whatever you have to do, but get this abomination, this monster, this
horrid spawn of the devil out of here! Do it now!"
"Hey guys," JediB interrupted holding her large document. "Remember
my plan? I think it might work!"
Will the SQ Gals get rid of the evil phantasm? Will they
be able to hatch JediB's plan against those evil H/H-ers? Are JediB and Arabella
being controlled by the Imperius Curse? Stay tuned….
Thanks to all my loyal fans. I want to give some shout outs
to all those still reading so here it goes…
Er, Hello? **crickets chirping**
Oh, well, piss off then.