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Dumbledore's Army
Review(s): 2

Reviewer: Darwin's ApprenticeDate: 2003-09-04
Reviewid: 50682Chapter: 1
Good action story. I like the way you got Harry and Ron into the forest. Using the map was a good ploy. I also like how Hermione gets to be a know-it-all at the end of the story. Nice effort.

Reviewer: Talking Purple RabbitsDate: 2003-09-01
Reviewid: 49992Chapter: 1
::snickers::

I liked Dumbledore's last line.

Just a suggestion...it's ok to use contractions in your writing.

For example:
“Now? I am so comfortable on this couch, I don’t feel like getting up.”
This sentence sounds a bit stilted, especially when you consider the speaker: a lazy 15-year-old boy. Such a person would be much more likely to say "I'm so" rather than "I am so," which sounds much cleaner, flows better, and sounds a lot like a teenage boy.

Also:
Harry said to Ron, “Hey Ron. Mundungus is on the Marauders Map. What is he doing here at Hogwarts? He doesn’t need to keep an eye on me here!”

The first sentence is clumsy because you repeated the same idea twice: that Harry is speaking to Ron. It would sound better if you wrote "Hey Ron," Harry said. "Mundungus is on...." etc. Again, this is much more fluid and sounds better to the reader.

if you have any questions about what i said, you're welcome to PM me.

ta,
~TPR

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