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Dumbledore's Army
Review(s): 6

Reviewer: Reader 2Date: 2006-01-10
Reviewid: 138276Chapter: 1
Quite Nice

Reviewer: wendelin_the_weirdDate: 2005-12-29
Reviewid: 137791Chapter: 1
You write very well. You certainly have an eye for description and detail, and your writing flows easily.

What was missing, however, was *material*. You're doing an alternate POV on things we are already aware of, and that means you need something *extra* in your story, some idea that makes us see these happenings in a new light, or at least tells us something new about the character from whose POV you're writing. (For great examples of alternate POV stories, see Mind's Eye, Soul's Reflection or Moody Slavic Man or Shifts, all archived here.) I think the only piece of info added to our knowledge of that night by this story was that Wormtail was with Voldemort - but that doesn't seem to make any difference in your story. Wormtail might as well have not been there, for all he affected the story, you know? And writing from Voldemort's viewpoint didn't really achieve anything either, because it gave us no new insights into his character, and no new information about the happenings of that night. (In particular, it felt like a cop-out when you didn't tell us *why* he was telling Lily to stand aside. If we're in Voldemort's head, we should know that!)

There was another problem, too.. it seemed as if you were not quite in Voldemort's skin even as you wrote from his POV. For example, you have him say: "A slight grin began to form on my pale face.." He isn't looking into a mirror in that moment, so how does he know that? He can say "I grinned", but not much else. However, I did like the effort you took to get into his thoughts, and the way he would see things: the idea of a "muggle stench" around the Potters' home, in particular, was original, interesting, and completely in-character.

So. Please don't feel bad about this review, because I think you really are a good writer, definitely have a great command of the language and an ear for using it. I just think you need to work on what goes into a story. I'm looking forward to your next submission.

Cheers,
Wendelin

Reviewer: makDate: 2005-12-29
Reviewid: 137759Chapter: 1
A great read! The descriptions were perfect. First person worked very well, I couldn't see it accurately from any other point of view. A real sense of the evil of LV is felt. Will definitely read more of your work.

Reviewer: aurora330Date: 2005-12-28
Reviewid: 137746Chapter: 1
I was leary of reading this fic but im glad i did i liked this point of view I think it would be neat if you wrote about what voldemort was up to for all those years in his bodyless form and how he managed to get back to his strength. I never really thought about it much until i read this story. A job well done =)

Reviewer: Zia MontroseDate: 2005-12-28
Reviewid: 137737Chapter: 1
Your writing is vivid. You filled out Voldemort's thoughts well.
I was disappointed that James fought so feebly. I believe from JKR's interviews and my own assessment of his character that the duel lasted a bit longer and James could have managed more than "Impedimentia" in that time. I'm just disappointed that this was the extent of the Potter's final stand. I hope you write again, though, as you are talented.

Reviewer: MercuryBlueDate: 2005-12-28
Reviewid: 137734Chapter: 1
Interesting choice of viewpoint, certainly. Not so much that it's Voldemort, it's a logical choice, he is the only (known) person there who both survived the experience and was old enough to know what was happening, but why in Merlin's name would he be talking to anyone about it?

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