OF THE FOURTH SUGAR QUILL SUMMIT
recorded by Moey)
DATE: 05/11/01 - 05/13/01
PLACE: SQ NOVA
PURSER ON THE GOOD SHIP R/H
SPECIAL GUEST STAR ON THE GOOD SHIP R/H
ELANOR GAMGEE PROFESSOR,
CAPTAIN OF THE GOOD SHIP R/H
SHIP R/H GOODWILL AMBASSADOR
MOEY PROFESSOR, FIRST MATE OF THE GOOD SHIP R/H
JEDI BOADICEA POTIONS MASTER
A/N: These minutes
are dedicated to James, the PIMP, tattoo artist at Insane Ink, Leesburg, VA. He thought we were the strangest girls
he’d ever met. Thanks, James!
When we last left our heroines, they were
having a few innocent drinks with the loinclothed
boys. Headmistress Zsenya had just received word that SQHQ had been penetrated
by the enemy…
"This cannot be happening!"
Zsenya shouted hysterically. "Moey, what the hell is going on? How could
this have happened?"
"Zsenya, calm down. It's not a true security breech,"
Moey replied confidently. "They've simply commissioned a scout. We knew
"We can hardly blame them," B
added. "We've been lurking in their waters on and off periodically for
some time now."
"Don't worry - we'll convert them by
Book 7," said Kathy firmly, pulling on her hat and whipping out her Palm
Pilot. "Let's see..." They all watched as she entered To Do:
Convert H/Hers. Must be completed by December 12, 2005.
"That's it. We're going back to
SQHQ." Zsenya said as she got out her wand.
Arabella, who was on her seventh Gred & Forge,
looked confused. Harry, who could not keep up with her, was lying on the floor
under the table.
"Hey, I thought we were going to take
a bath?" asked Still - after what now, two
months? - Out of Character Ron.
The rest of the SQ Gals looked at each other
in disbelief. Elanor piped in with "I thought there was going to be porn!
Where's the porn, beyotch?"
"We have to go to SQHQ….NOW!"
It seemed Zsenya meant business, so the rest of the gals got up and each in
turn Apparated out. Of course, not
before a few good-byes to their favorite redheads in loincloths…
Back at Sugar Quill
…the gals were joined by Jedi Boadicea. (Who will be henceforth be abbreviated JediB because it's easier)
they all screamed in unison. JediB smiled and flipped
her long, Veela-like locks over her shoulder.
"I got here as quick as I could when
I saw the headline."
"What headline?" asked Arabella.
"I have double checked all the
Security Charms and everything seems to be in order," Zsenya interrupted,
still being anal.
"Argh! What did I tell you?" Moey grunted.
"What headline?" B asked this
"This one." With a flick of her wand, JediB produced a copy of the latest edition of Parselmouth. "How can you not have seen it yet?
Where the hell have you been?" JediB spoke a
mile a minute. "What are you living in, a box? It's the biggest story to
hit the papers since Voldemort! People! This is sirius!"
"We were a little, er, busy," Arabella said, rubbing her temples.
"Teehee, teehee," Elanor giggled.
"Why are you so livid about Parselmouth? It's only an awful wizarding rag."
B asked curiously. Moey snatched the paper and began to read.
"What is this garbage?"
exclaimed Moey. "I never! What
the @#$%!" Her sailor curse mode was in full effect as she continued
reading the article. There on the front page of Parselmouth
was a picture that looked like Moey with a redheaded child in her lap. It
read: Parselmouth Exclusive! First picture
of newborn Weasley Love Child!
"Don't worry," said Elanor.
"We'll get to the bottom of this."
"Well, it does look like you, that's for sure," said B as she examined the photo. "Right down to the eyepatch and
wooden leg. And the kid…that kid looks awfully familiar as well."
"But you know it isn't me,
right? I mean come on! It must be some dastardly plot."
"Oh Moey, we'll figure it out. But in
the meantime, we need to take care of some business." Elanor was looking
at her 'to do' list when suddenly, Arabella called out,
"Hey guys! We seem to have a
problem." Everyone rushed into the back of SQHQ. Arabella was sopping wet
standing in the middle of the loo. Water covered the floor.
"Damn it!" B yelled.
"Myrtle, is that you again? I know it's you!" Then, turning to
Arabella she asked, "You know why she did this don't you?"
"Duh, you were flirting with Harry!
You know she has a crush on him. She's pissed!"
"Uh, she's dead!"
"Don't we have any
Ghost-B-Gone?" Moey asked.
"No," Zsenya replied. "We
used the last of it to get rid of those annoying little trolls that kept
creeping in because we were all out of Troll Traps."
"How about some
Poltergeist Motels?" Elanor asked as she searched under the sink. "The
disturbances check in but they don't check out. Teehee."
"Nope, used them up in the last
shipping war," B answered. "Remember? All those bad vibes caused
quite a ruckus. We need something more powerful for this one. I'm calling
someone." She started paging through the local fireplace directory.
"…species control…spectacles…here it is, specters. This one sounds good, 'The
Phantom Rangers, specializing in residual removal, phantom effusion,
poltergeist expulsion, and specter extraction'."
After several minutes at the fireplace, B
reported, "They are sending someone out to look it over in a few minutes.
They said they will probably set up some traps and come back in the morning. It
should only take a few minutes, which is good since you have appointments
"I'm getting a tattoo!" Elanor
squealed. "I can't believe I'm going to get a tattoo!"
A few minutes later, an older, slightly
balding man appeared in the fireplace. "Hello! I'm Joe from Phantom
Rangers. Someone called about a specter extraction?"
"Yes," said B. "We have a
haunting in the toilet. She's making a horrible mess." B walked Joe back
into the bathroom.
"Ah yes," he began. "You
see, what you have here is a typical haunting, maybe even a poltergeist.
Definitely not a residual since those don't cause damage. We can take care of
this problem by tomorrow." He began unpacking his equipment.
"What's that?" Arabella asked,
pointing to a small box with a meter on it.
"It measures the electromagnetic
current in the room. Do you know that people with high EM's
attract ghosts and other paranormal experiences?"
"Well then, I must have a high
EM," she said smugly.
"Well, hold your hand over it and
we'll find out," Joe said, placing the box in front of Arabella. She held
her hand over it but nothing happened. "Strange, you don't seem to
register at all."
"Humph," she snorted.
Joe droned on for another hour about his
equipment and ghosts. The SQ gals were only half listening to him, all the
while watching the clock on the wall. The hand was closing in on 'Tattoo
Appointment' and they were eager to get going. Joe finally finished, but not
before giving Moey a curious stare.
"Hey, aren't you the girl in the
paper? The one with the lovechild?"
"That is not me! I don't know
who it is, but it isn't me!" Moey retorted.
"Hmm, do you know what it could
be?" he asked. "It could be that you have a doppleganger."
is German for double person I believe. Basically you have a double. It could be
of a spectral nature. I could investigate for you."
"Well, we'll let you know,"
Zsenya said rather hurriedly, pushing him toward the fireplace and holding out
the Floo Powder for him. "Thanks so much!" she said, waving, as he
stepped into the fire. "I thought he would never leave! Come on, let's
Since the tattoo parlor was very close to
SQHQ, the gals decided to walk. They stopped in the local wizard bookshop to
kill some time, and much to their surprise they found Ron there reading palms.
"I can't believe it! What is he doing
here?" Elanor gasped, staring at the redheaded figure bent over an older
galleons?" JediB exclaimed. "He's charging thirty galleons?"
"You know, he does have to pay for
his and Moey's lovechild," Zsenya quipped. Moey
glared at her with her one good eye. They stared at Ron for a minute more
before going back to wandering around the shop.
They were looking over several books on
Divination and Astrology when Ron approached Arabella. Grabbing her hand, he
traced his fingers over the lines and described what he saw. He was spot on
when he told Arabella, "You want to be Queen, as is evidenced by this line
here. And this one over here, this one tells me that you need a good shag. I can take care of both for you. I have a crown
and whipped cream back at my place."
Arabella quickly snatched back her hand.
"Er, we have to go."
The six of them quickly left the shop and
went into Insane Ink where they met the proprietor, James. James was a rather
reserved figure who wore his tattoos with dignity, especially the 'PIMP' tattoo
on the inside of his bottom lip.
Zsenya gave James her quill drawing.
"You're all getting the same
thing?" asked the super tan frat-boy, who had a southern accent but
claimed he was from New Jersey, as he handed out release forms and after-care
"What are you, some sort of
cult?" James asked.
"Coven." Zsenya replied.
James, who had piercings
the size of soup cans in his ears, looked at them oddly. "Right,
coven. So, who is first?"
"I am!" exclaimed Zsenya. She
and Arabella were led into the inking room by a kindly, toothless, old hag. As
Zsenya was prepped by Jackson, James's assistant, the other four looked in
through the window. Arabella held her hand through the whole tattooing, and in
turn Elanor held Arabella's.
JediB and B, both not ready for tattoos at this
juncture, stood outside discussing what they would get if they were to get them.
JediB, Dark Queen that she is, thought to herself
that the Dark Mark would suit her best. As she sat watching the others get
tattooed, she was plotting to bring innocents into sex acts with villains.
During her turn, Elanor squirmed and
fidgeted and dug her fingernails into Moey's hand.
When James finally finished and turned off the needle, Elanor screamed,
"That hurt! It hurt like hell!" This did not help Moey, who was going
last. When it came time for her turn she was a tad unsure.
"It's going to hurt."
"It does hurt, I won't lie to you
Moey," said Zsenya. "But it's not that bad, really."
"It's going to hurt." Moey
couldn't seem to get past the pain element.
Elanor was adamant. "Moey, it hurts
like hell, but as your Captain, I order you to get this tattoo!"
"Argh, aye, aye." Moey followed Jackson into the inking room. B held her hand as
she leaned forward. He second bout of sailor-like
cursing for the day began the minute James put the needle to her back. The
other four gals looked on, laughed, and sang to her through the window.
However, she did feel a bit full of herself when James told her that for
someone that fretted the most, she sat the most still.
The tattooing was over, and four of the
six SQ Gals had the beautiful and meaningful Quill tattooed on their backs.
They walked back to SQHQ and Elanor
brought out a batch of her special brownies. Soon after eating them, the gals
found out what made them so special - Elanor's secret
ingredient was Billywig stings. Floating and giggling
happily, the gals spent a lovely evening free of the horrors of enemy ships.
There was nothing more left to do besides
sing, chat, and drink. Gred & Forges were passed
around, and the SQ soundtrack was played. All was right with the world. The prologue
to After the End was posted to much acclaim and
controversy. No one could predict what would come later, however.
One by one the gals fell asleep. First Elanor, then Zsenya, then B and JediB.
Arabella and Moey were the last two standing when Charlie showed up.
"Hey ladies, having
"Boy, Charlie, B sure has you trained
well," she said, eyeing his loincloth.
"I'm not allowed in if I'm wearing
anything else," he said, blushing in that beautiful Weasley way.
Things got a bit rowdy as they normally do
with Charlie, so the three of them took it outside. "B just rolls her eyes
at me, but I know she digs the tattoo."
Arabella, who had just heated up a pizza,
passed around the pieces. "Charlie, we all love the tattoo," Arabella
said, staring at the dragon drawn across his strong, muscular chest.
Charlie devoured over half the pizza and
then got up. "Well, I'm off! Give B my love."
"We will dear," Moey said,
waving goodbye as he Disapparated.
Moey and Arabella chatted with distant SQ-ers in Florida and Minnesota until Arabella finally went to sleep.
Moey took out here wand, recorded herself mocking all the sleepers and crashed.
The first words spoken the next morning
were by B. "You two ate ALL the pizza?"
"No, Charlie was here. He ate most of
it," Arabella answered, smiling.
"Just like him!" B then asked,
"Was he in uniform?"
"You know he was."
Just then a voice came through the
fireplace. It was Joe from Phantom Rangers. He was back to collect his
traps. He spent over an hour in the bathroom and even had to go check out the
"The whole complex is infested."
kidding! With what? Is it a poltergeist?" B
"What could be worse?" asked JediB.
"Well," said Joe, "it seems
you have a very nasty phantasm. Come here and take a look."
They all followed Joe into the bathroom.
There all over the walls, written in horrible Slytherin green were the
following: H/H Forever!,
H/D love is best!, and D/G all the way!
The gals looked away, horrified.
"It's going to take some time, but I
think I can get rid of it," said Joe not sounding very sure of himself.
"We have to find a way to get rid of
it now," said Zsenya. "This is...it's just too horrible for
words, I can't…"
said Arabella slowly, "I'm beginning to think there might be something to
this whole D/G thing."
Elanor let out a strangled cry.
quite fascinating," said Jedi enthusiastically.
"Well, I do have some contacts over
at the Ministry -" began Joe.
"Call them. Call them now," Zsenya
was almost in hysterics. "Do whatever you have to do, but get this
abomination, this monster, this horrid spawn of the devil out of here! Do it
"Hey guys," JediB
interrupted holding her large document. "Remember my plan? I think it
Will the SQ Gals get rid of the evil
phantasm? Will they be able to hatch JediB's plan
against those evil H/H-ers? Are JediB
and Arabella being controlled by the Imperius Curse?
Thanks to all my loyal fans. I want
to give some shout outs to all those still reading so here it goes…
Er, Hello? **crickets chirping**
Oh, well, piss off then.