All I can say is how thankful I am that JKR got to him before the second movie…
AUDIO TAPE TRANSCRIPT OF MEETING BETWEEN STEVE KLOVES AND JOANNE K ROWLING
Date: NOVEMBER 4, 2001
Summary: REGARDING FUTURE HARRY POTTER SCREENPLAYS
PROPERTY OF WARNER BROTHERS, INCORPORATED
Disclaimer/Thanks: ALL HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS BELONG TO JOANNE K ROWLING. THIS IS A PARODY. NO HARM CAME TO STEVE KLOVES WHILE WRITING THIS. MUCH THANKS TO ARABELLA FOR THE TRANSCRIPTION ASSIST.
STEVE KLOVES: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Joanne, I can call you Joanne, can't I? I've read your books so many times that I feel like I know you!
JOANNE K ROWLING: Er - sure. Now, how can I help you?
STEVE KLOVES: Well, I wanted to get your thoughts on my scripts for the next two books [PAPER SHUFFLING] They aren't actually complete, but I do have the outlines, along with notes and such.
JOANNE K ROWLING: [COUGH] Well, let's see [PAPER SHUFFLING]
STEVE KLOVES: I really think I've captured the essence of each character, as well as where you're going with them. As I've told you before, I particularly love Hermione. She's just such a little charmer. I think-
JOANNE K ROWLING: You have Harry driving the Weasleys' car.
STEVE KLOVES: What? Oh, yes, I changed that.
JOANNE K ROWLING: Why?
STEVE KLOVES: Well, due to limited screen time, we just can't show every single scene. We need to re-establish immediately that Harry is the hero, so I switched drivers.
JOANNE K ROWLING: Do you really think anyone will forget that? The books are about Harry Potter - this isn't called 'Ron Weasley and the Chamber of Secrets', after all - I don't think anyone will have a problem remembering who the main character is.
STEVE KLOVES: [CHUCKLES] Well, it is a children's movie! They need to be reminded of things now and then. Have a hard time remembering, the little tykes.
JOANNE K ROWLING: Besides the fact that I and anyone with a child would disagree with that statement, I'm fairly certain I was told that more than half of the box office returns were from adult ticket sales.
STEVE KLOVES: [LAUGHS] Parents accompanying children, I assure you.
JOANNE K ROWLING: Well, Mr. Kloves, I really would prefer for you not to switch drivers. Ron drives for a reason.
STEVE KLOVES: [LONG PAUSE] Well…I'll see what I can do.
JOANNE K ROWLING: And by the way, it's a Ford Anglia, not a Ford Mustang.
STEVE KLOVES: Really? I don't remember that. Oh, well, a Mustang spices things up. Anglias aren't all that attractive, you know. Now, a classic Mustang - that's a nice car! I remember, when I was sixteen, I bought-
JOANNE K ROWLING: The Weasleys wouldn't have a Mustang.
STEVE KLOVES: Why not?
JOANNE K ROWLING: Mustangs aren't common in Britain. In fact, I'm not sure that I've ever seen a Mustang in Britain. They have an Anglia.
STEVE KLOVES: Well [LONG PAUSE] OK. I'll change it back. If you insist.
JOANNE K ROWLING: I do. Thank you. [PAPER SHUFFLING]
STEVE KLOVES: [HARD TO HEAR] I'll have to think about the driver thing, though. I've thought this through, and I strongly believe Harry should be the one who-
JOANNE K ROWLING: Hold it.
STEVE KLOVES: Yes?
JOANNE K ROWLING: This line. You have a note after "Hermione sighs as Lackhart leaves the room" that reads "Harry looks extremely jealous and angry".
STEVE KLOVES: Is there a problem?
JOANNE K ROWLING: Well, for one thing, it's 'Lockhart'. Not 'Lackhart'.
STEVE KLOVES: [LOUD LAUGHTER] I know, but isn't 'Lackhart' a great name? I thought that'd be good for a laugh.
JOANNE K ROWLING: It's Lockhart. And Harry isn't jealous here. He isn't remotely jealous. Why would you put that in the script?
STEVE KLOVES: Well, as I said, we only have room for so many scenes. I'm trying to work in a little foreshadowing.
JOANNE K ROWLING: Foreshadowing?
STEVE KLOVES: Yes. You know, for when Harry asks Hermione for a date.
JOANNE K ROWLING: Harry doesn't ask Hermione on a date.
STEVE KLOVES: [LAUGHS] Oh, I know he doesn't here - they're only twelve! I'm setting up for later in the series.
JOANNE K ROWLING: Hermione and Harry are platonic friends.
STEVE KLOVES: Yes, but we know what 'platonic' really means, don't we! That Harry, the little devil! I have to confess, I know they're just for kids, but I'm really looking forward to the next book. I can't wait to read where Harry finally gives into his feelings and kisses Hermione for the first ti-
JOANNE K ROWLING: There will be no kissing. Harry doesn't ask Hermione on a date. Ever. They're friends. I thought I'd made that clear.
STEVE KLOVES: [PAUSE] But Harry notices how pretty Hermione is, at the Yule Festival in book four. And Hermione kisses him on the cheek when they leave the train station.
JOANNE K ROWLING: It's 'Yule Ball', not 'Yule Festival'. And she kisses him because she's concerned for him.
STEVE KLOVES: But Hermione talks about Harry all the time. She must like him!
JOANNE K ROWLING: No, no - Hermione doesn't like Harry that way, not at all.
STEVE KLOVES: But, the Internet! There are multiple websites that offer very specific evidence that Harry and Hermione end up together.
JOANNE K ROWLING: [LAUGHS] Well, I'm sorry, but those sites are wrong. Hermione does not like Harry.
STEVE KLOVES: [LOUDLY] Why not?
JOANNE K ROWLING: What do you mean, why not?
STEVE KLOVES: He's not good enough for her?
JOANNE K ROWLING: No, don't be ridic - [CUT OFF]
STEVE KLOVES: [OVERLAP] Poor boy, living all those years in that basement, and now he's to be rejected by the only girl he ever loved…
JOANNE K ROWLING: Cupboard! He lived in a cupboard, not in a basement! And what in the world makes you think he loves Hermione?
STEVE KLOVES: Fan fiction. Maybe I should send you some links. It might help if you were to understand the evidence-
JOANNE K ROWLING: [LOUDLY] I don't want links! I don't need evidence - they're my books! I'm telling you, Hermione and Harry don't like each other romantically! Hermione likes Ron.
STEVE KLOVES: [LOUDLY] Ron!? RON?? Are you insane? All they do is fight!
JOANNE K ROWLING: Yes, they do now, but that doesn't mean they'll continue to! They're young, they don't understand each other.
STEVE KLOVES: Ron's a moron!
JOANNE K ROWLING: [GASPS] Ron is NOT a moron!
STEVE KLOVES: He is! Look at his grades! He never studies!
JOANNE K ROWLING: Harry doesn't study either - it means both boys are lazy, not that they're stupid! Look at what a brilliant chess player Ron is!
STEVE KLOVES: That's a fluke.
JOANNE K ROWLING: [STOMPING NOISE] It most certainly is not!
STEVE KLOVES: Ron never asks after Hermione's feelings, or takes the time to listen to her concerns. Hermione needs a boy like Harry, a boy who cares.
JOANNE K ROWLING: Harry cares?
STEVE KLOVES: [SHOUTS] Are you trying to suggest Harry doesn't care?
JOANNE K ROWLING: [LOUDLY] No - I mean, of course, he CARES, they're friends. But past that, Hermione's a bit too...
STEVE KLOVES: Oh, spare me the 'Hermione bores Harry' spiel, I've read it before. Honestly, you surface readers just astound me. Don't you even *bother* looking for subtext?
JOANNE K ROWLING: Mr. Kloves, you seem to be missing something here. I wrote the books! If they contained subtext about Hermione and Harry liking each other, I'd know about it! Do you understand what I'm saying? There is no subtext.
STEVE KLOVES: I'm extremely disappointed to hear you're going this way with the characterizations, Joanne. A relationship between Hermione and Ron will never work out. I should know; I once dated a girl I argued with, and we finally had to break up. It was just awful, I-
JOANNE K ROWLING: Look. Why don't you let me worry about my books. Harry does not gaze jealously at Hermione in this scene. Change it. Please.
STEVE KLOVES: Sure. Fine. Whatever.
JOANNE K ROWLING: I have a headache. [PAPER SHUFFLING] Let's skip ahead to Azkaban and see how that looks.
STEVE KLOVES: [COUGHS] Yes, I think that's a good idea. I'm particularly proud of that script. I -
JOANNE K ROWLING: [OVERLAP] Ron doesn't crawl under the bed.
STEVE KLOVES: Excuse me?
JOANNE K ROWLING: You have 'Screaming Cottage scene' - it's 'Shrieking Shack', not 'Screaming Cottage' - with the note 'Hermione stands in front of Harry, ripped dress billowing in the breeze' -it's a boarded up cottage, there's no breeze - 'in a fruitless but loving attempt to protect her one true love from Sirius Black. Ron crawls under bed, trembling with fear.'
STEVE KLOVES: That gets back to trying to establish their relationship. I suppose I'll- [CUTOFF]
JOANNE K ROWLING: [OVERLAP] 'Ron begins to cry.'
STEVE KLOVES: Really, Harry should get a braver, less selfish friend, that's all I'm saying.
JOANNE K ROWLING: 'Hermione flings arms around Harry, kissing his cheek. 'Thou shall never hurt my beloved, not while breath remains in my fair lungs.'
STEVE KLOVES: God, that Hermione has a way with words. I'm all shivering now. They share a dance later in the common room that brings tears to my eyes, it's so sweet.
JOANNE K ROWLING: 'Harry pulls his lightsaber from his robes.'
STEVE KLOVES: Do you like that? I got the idea from this fan fiction I read, where Harry, Ron and Hermione all watch Star Wars-
JOANNE K ROWLING: 'Ron howls from under the bed: Take them! Take them both! I'll do anything you ask!'
STEVE KLOVES: [TSKING SOUND] Can you believe that Ron! I knew he'd betray Harry one day!
JOANNE K ROWLING: Stop. That's enough. [SHUFFLING BACKGROUND NOISE]
STEVE KLOVES: But -
JOANNE K ROWLING: [PHONE DIALING NOISE] Quiet! Chris? Chris, it's Joanne Rowling. We need to talk. Now.