The Sugar Quill
Author: Suburban House Elf (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Dear Miss Granger  Chapter: Default
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ministry of magic

magical educational standards board



March 12, 1996


Miss Hermione Granger

The Bed Next To the Bookshelf 

Fifth Year Girls’ Dormitory

Gryffindor Tower

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry




Dear Miss Granger

Re Potions Practical Assessment Task – Unsavoury Event

It has recently come to our attention, from intelligence gathered by our Improper Use of Magic Office, that the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (“Hogwarts”) experienced particular hardship during the recent Potions Practical Assessment Task (“PPAT”).  Our purpose in writing is to extend our most sincere apologies to you and your classmates for the unpleasantness you endured, and to advise that the Ministry of Magic accepts no responsibility whatsoever for same.

We understand that your own case history viz the PPAT is an especially sorry one.  Various officers of this department have suggested that, given the physically repellent nature of the Objective d’Couer selected by Hogwarts for the PPAT, perhaps the kindest thing all round would be to offer all girls in fifth year complimentary Memory Charms.  As this is not feasible, please find enclosed a packet of Honeydukes Strip-Your-Palate-Clean Peppermints, which we hope will remove the nasty taste that no doubt lingers after one has kissed a man with such uneven, yellowish teeth [i].

We must admit that the extent of your ardour for the Objective d’Couer surprised many of us.  Our research (consisting of reading old copies of Witch Weekly left in the tea room) indicates that, at the tender age of fourteen, your name had already been romantically linked with the Boy Who Lived and an international Quidditch star [ii]. This would suggest that you have fairly sophisticated tastes as far as men are concerned.  It has also been suggested (in Witch Weekly) that you were familiar with love potions [iii].  We honestly did not expect that your response to the PPAT would have been quite so out of control.

However, we have also subsequently had the opportunity to discuss your situation with some of the Professors at Hogwarts.  As an academically gifted student, who frequently gains examination marks in excess of one hundred percent [iv], it is possible that the potion that you brewed for the PPAT was of unprecedented strength.  We have endeavoured to confirm this fact with Hogwarts’ Potions Master, but Professor Snape is currently refusing to respond to our owls.  If the potion that you brewed was spectacularly strong, then your reaction upon taking the potion, although unfortunate, cannot be held against you.

We also regret to advise that news of your unhappy experiences during the PPAT have been made public to the Muggle community. How exactly this came about is something of a mystery. However, our sources have identified a house-elf, residing in the suburbs of Sydney, Australia, who has gained access to a Muggle Computo and has published an account of the PPAT shenanigans at Hogwarts on the Inept-net [v].  As we understand that you are Muggle-born, all this will make much more sense to you than it does to us.

We have been in contact with the Ministry of Magic of the Commonwealth of Australia.  The head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department in that country, after exclaiming “Strewth” and “Crikey” very loudly, assured us that he would personally pay a visit to the reprehensible Suburban House Elf. He also assured us that he would administer an Everbashing Boomerang [vi] to the disgusting creature’s head.

We trust that this satisfactorily concludes this matter.

Yours sincerely,

A. U. Prawn


Curriculum Development Director - Potions





[i] Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter Fourteen, Snape’s Grudge (p210, Australian edition)

[ii] Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Chapter Twenty-Seven, Padfoot Returns (p444, Australian edition)

[iii] ibid.

[iv] Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Chapter Seventeen, The Man With Two Faces (p222, Australian edition)

   Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter Twenty-Two, Owl Post Again (p314, Australian edition)

[v] Harry Potter and the Brotherhood of the Besotted, Suburban House Elf, archived at the Sugar Quill

[vi] Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Chapter Twelve, The Triwizard Tournament (p162, Australian edition)






from the desk which used to be bertha jorkins’

Level 4 • Ministry of magic building •1 diagon alley

London • united kingdom • floo: mesb pLEASE


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