The Sugar Quill
Author: Robin (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: July  Chapter: default
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July 1996

Authorís Note: Spoilers for OotP.

 

 

July

 

 

Dear Sirius,

 

Itís July now.Harry turns sixteen this month.You would have been thirty-seven.†† July was always a good month, before now.But now itís empty.Iím writing you this letter even though I know youíll never get it.Somehow, though, I canít care anymoreóand Iím rambling all ready, hardly three sentences in.And tears are wetting the page no matter how hard I try to deny it.Itís as if those tears are the only memorial to the great emptiness I feel inside.

 

Itís the first time Iíve cried, you know.Iíve just walked around with this sick and empty feeling, unable to act or even to mourn because it hurts so much that youíre gone.Youíre gone.It kills me.I couldnít even bring myself to say the words to Harry.I canít make myself say them aloud even now.The others watch me and wonder why I donít break down.They expect me to, but I canít.Itís been three days since youÖI canít even write it.Not now.Not yet.Itís as if putting the words to page would mean Iíd have to accept them.

 

Iíd live in denial if I could afford to do so.And I wish I could.Things would be so much easierÖuntil I close my eyes and relive it all again.I wish I could forget and not see you fall throughó

 

It burns, you know.Worse than I ever thought anything could.I canít even recall the happy moments amongst all the pain.First James, then Peter, and then youóbut against all odds, I got you backónow only to lose you irrevocably, and this time forever.

 

I canít do this anymore.

 

I canít keep being strong.I suppose the only good thing is that I donít have any friends left to lose.Except for Harry, without whom I would have probably followed you through the Veil.Instead, I held him back, as I know you would have asked me to.And Iíll protect him now, but not just for James.Iíll do it for you.I canít be all for him that you were, Sirius, but I swear that Iíll try.You were right, always: Harry deserves so much better than the loneliness that heís known all of his life.

 

So did you.

 

Padfoot, my brother, you deserved so much more.I can only wish it could have ended some other way.I had always hoped that there would be a time when you could be free of your demons and be happy.God knows, you have earned peace.I hope youíve found it now, wherever you are.Sometimes I even dare to hope that youíre with James and Lily, and that theyíll be there for you, so that youíll never have to be alone again.

 

Thatís what started this bout of tears and letter writing in the first place.Hoping that youíre with them.Hoping that you can see me.And hoping that some way or some how, you can know how much I miss you.

 

I canít say the words aloud.Itíll kill me if I do.I canít even write them without crying, and you know me; thatís something that I so rarely do, or at least not in front of others.I cried for James and Lily.I cried for Peter, before I knew the truth.And I wept for you, back when I was trying to hate you.

 

But now Iím crying for you, again, and this time thereís no going back.Thereís only a future ahead of me that I donít even care to contemplate.Itís bleak and dark without you, and when I set off down that path, I will be alone.My friends are gone.You were the last, because Wormtail, wherever he is, no longer counts.

 

Peter.

 

He made his choice, and if I want to blame someone for your death, it will be him.I donít even blame Bellatrix or Voldemort, because neither of them betrayed their friends.Peter broke us.All three of us: you, me, and James.James was the lucky one; he didnít live to see our friendship fail.You, SiriusÖyou simply took fourteen years to die.Sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to go.Peter killed us all, and one by one, we shall fall.

 

So I guess this is it.Peter and I are all thatís left of something that was once so beautiful.So perfect.Unbreakable.We were brothers, the four of us.But then he broke us, and now there are only two.

 

The werewolf and the traitor.

 

By the time this is over, Sirius, Iíll make sure that only one Marauder remains.

 

 

Remus.

 

 

 

 

//
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