The Dark Arts Tango

By Queenie

Note: this song really belongs to the writers of Chicago (Kander & Ebb).

Find actual lyrics at http://www.lyricsondemand.com/c/chicagolyrics/cellblocktangolyrics.html

"And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Defense Against the Dark Arts Professors, in their rendition of 'The Dark Arts Tango'."

We see six figures standing behind bars in a large, darkened room.  We can see their outlines dimly illuminated from a purple light.  From left to right, we see that one is short and has a large head, one is tall and has wavy hair, one is thin and is dressed in shabby robes, the next is rather stocky, and the one next to him is short and fat, with an ugly little black bow atop her head. The last figure we can tell nothing of, whether short or tall, fat or thin, Gentile or Jew, black or white, man or woman, but it is very dark and ominous.  From L to R, we hear them say
"Hat."
"Bang."
"Moon."
"Polyjuice."
"Centaurs."
"Unknown."
*Start music, all six figures start sashaying to the beat, and they all sing*
We had it coming,
We had it coming,
We only have ourselves to blame.
If you'da been there,
If you'da seen it,
I'll betcha you woulda done the same.
"Hat!" "Bang!" "Moon!" "Polyjuice!" "Centaurs!" "Unknown..." "Hat!" "Bang!" "Moon!" "Polyjuice!" "Centaurs!" "Unknown..."

*The short, big-headed one comes up, and we see he is actually Quirrell wearing a purple turban*
You know, some people have secrets that really get you down. Like... me.  I was hiding something smelly under my hat all year.  No, not smelly... molding.  My master, Lord... well, you know who, needed to keep an eye on me, so he decided to... merge us.  It was difficult, having a smelly -- no, molding -- personage under my hat all year.
And it hurts like hell when that Potter touches me.
*All six of the figures start singing,*
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had myself to blame,
If you'da been there,
If you'da smelled it,
I betcha you woulda done the same.
*The tall, wavy-haired one steps up as Quirrell sinks into the shadows.  It's Lockhart, and he is holding his wand.  He says,*
You know, my life wasn't all peaches and daisies.  Oh no.  When you have to pretend to fill in these details of things you never did, and have to mingle with children who have... cooties... it's not a pleasant experience.  And then that Potter and Weasley had to drag me into that dank, smelly chamber, and all I can remember is this big ... *notices that his wand has turned into a purple ribbon, and starts absentmindedly playing with it*
By the way, who am I again?

*singing in background*
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He's only got himself to blame,
If you'da been there,
If you'da seen it,
I betcha you woulda done the same.

*The thin, shabby figure comes up, and it's Lupin.  He says,*
I may be a werewolf, but can you blame me for trying to live a normal life?  I became a teacher at the school, but every month, during the full moon, I'd be smuggled out and hidden.  Now, Professor Snape... *he walks toward the figure of Snape, whose face is in total shadow* never liked me.  At all.  He knew I was a werewolf, too.  And one morning, when he was particularly ticked off at me, he just let it slip.
*Snape reaches up and pulls a long purple ribbon out of his mouth.*
He let it slip to the whole Slytherin house.

* This time, he sings, with the others as backup *
I had it coming,
I had it coming,
I've only got myself to blame,
If you'da been there,
If you'da seen it,
I betcha you woulda done the same.

*Barty Crouch Jr. walks up, with an angry look on his face.  He says,*
My father... well, he's the reason I got into all this mess.  How I spent months designing my plan with the Dark Lord... to kill that Potter, and to bring my lord to his full power... *He approaches a shadowy figure of Harry, and there is a purple ribbon on the boy's right arm, like blood*… but a part of it failed.  That goddamn Potter didn't die, but on the other hand, the Dark Lord was risen again and my father was dead... my father, who had put me in Azkaban for torturing the Longbottoms to insanity...
At this point, Harry turns to Barty and says, "Well, had you done it?"
And Barty says, "Uh-uh. 
Not guilty!"
*A light, slow rendition of 'We had it coming...', and then Umbridge comes up and says*
I was Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, so of course I had to go to the school to foil any of that nasty Dumbledore's plans, to overthrow Fudge and all.  And of course, I had to put on a good cover.  So I tried to.  I tried being nice to the students.  I tried to be firm with the little brats.  But one day, those urchins Potter and Granger lured me into the forest, conspired with the centaurs to attack me, and...
Well, I completely blacked out afterwards.  I don't remember a thing.  It was only later, after Harry had finally convinced everyone of You-Know-Who's return, I even knew I was alive!
*Now, instead of the professors singing, you see the D. A., with Harry and Hermione at the front and center, with Ron, Neville, Ginny, and Luna beside them, and all of them start singing*
She had it coming,
She had it coming,
She had her power in its prime,
And then she used it,
And she abused it,
It was a torture, but not a crime!

*The last figure comes up.  It speaks, and we can't tell anything about the voice either -- nothing at all, whether high or low or friendly or hostile.*
You don't know me... yet.  Or maybe you do.  But you don't know, at any rate, how I'm going to act, what I'm going to say, and how I'm going to leave... because you know I'll leave.  Just like Gilderoy, Dolores, Barty, Quirrel, and Remus.  All I can say is this...
You'd better keep on your toes, Potter.

*sings*
I've got it coming,
I've got it coming,
I'll only have myself to blame,
You're gonna be there.
When you will see it,
I betcha you're gonna do the same!
*All the professors run up and start dancing and singing*
We had it coming,
We had it coming,
We've only got ourselves to blame!
If you'da been there
If you'da seen it
I betcha you woulda done the same!

We had it coming!

We had it coming!

We had our power in its prime,

And then we used it,

And we abused it,

It was a torture, but not a crime!
*Then the music fades down to the beat, and the professors sink into the shadows, and then you hear the following phrases, overlapping each other...*
"Hurts like hell..."
"Who am I again?"
"He just let it slip..."
"The reason I got into this mess..."
"I tried to be firm with the little brats..."
"You better keep on your toes, Potter..."
*The last phrase fades out.  Then, one by one, they say,*
"Hat."
"Bang."
"Moon."
"Polyjuice."
"Centaurs."
"Unknown."
*Then there is the sound of a door closing*