Disclaimer: This contains very obvious references to the world of Harry
Potter, the sitcom "Friends" and various fanfics. We are not JK Rowling,
Warner Bros, David Crane, Marta Kauffman, Arabella, Moey or Imogen. We
[Scene: Little White Chapel, Las Vagas. The drunk Ron and Hermione are
giggling and swaying in front of the bloke who's trying to marry them.]
Pastor guy: Do you, Ronald... excuse me, could you stop doing
that? Thank you… Do you, Ronald Arthur Weasley -
Hermione: He he he! [giggles hysterically] You're RAW!
Ron: Shushup… shusht... shushtup… shush… be quiet!
Pastor guy: Um… I'll take that as a yes. Let's move on. Do you,
Hermione Ursula Granger -
Ron: Awww! You're HUG! Come 'ere, HUG! Gimme a hug, HUG!
Hermione: [hugs him] Awww!
Pastor guy: [cough] Well, moving on… [cough] Excuse me! It is
not time for you to kiss yet! Please! Thank you. Now, maybe we'd
better just skip to the end. Sign here please.
Ron: Mioneie… Hermee-own-eee… Herma… Hey you… I don't have a quill
Hermione: [giggles] Me neither!
Ron: Okie dokie! [He grabs a sugar quill out of his pocket, signs
and hands the sugar quill to Hermione.]
Hermione: [giggles and signs]
Pastor guy: And a happy honeymoon to you both.
Hermione: [to Pastor guy] Ooooh! You've got very long legs, haven't
Ron: [apparently offended] Well, what about my legs?!
Hermione: Ooooh! They're even longer! [giggles and slaps his thigh]
[Pastor guy pushes them towards the door.]
[Meanwhile, outside in the foyer]
Harry: Okay! This is it! We're going to get married!
Ginny: I can't believe that this is finally happening!
[Suddenly the doors burst open, and Hermione and Ron come out, throwing
Ron: Well, hello, Mrs Ron! [throws confetti over Hermione]
Hermione: Well, hello, Mr Hermione! [giggles and throws confetti]
[They walk out of the door and go off in opposite directions.]
Harry: Woah... did you just see that?
[Neville and Lavendar rush in]
Neville: Come on, Lavendar! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
Lavendar: Okay! Okay! Okay! [They run into the chapel.]
[Harry and Ginny are even more shocked]
Harry: For crying out loud! Is everyone getting married?
[Lavendar and Neville run back out and head towards the door]
Lavendar: [sees Harry and Ginny] Harry! Ginny!
Ginny: What are you two doing here?
Neville: Ron and Hermione sent us an owl saying they were getting
married! Isn't that why you're are here?
Harry: Yes! Of course!
Ginny: Why else would we be here?
Neville: Well, what happened?! Did we miss it?
Harry: We actually... um... missed it.
Ginny: This is insane!
Lavendar: It's not a big deal. It's not like it's a real marriage.
Lavendar: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you're only married
Ginny: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas
you're married everywhere.
Lavendar: [shocked] Really?!
[Scene: Hermione's hotel room, she's waking up with a horrendous hangover.]
Hermione: So that's what being drunk feels like. Urgh.
[There's movement beside her, startling her. It's Ron! He wakes up and
they both start screaming in terror.]
Ron: Why are we in a bed together?
Hermione: I don't know. Is this a fanfiction?
Ron: Actually, probably! But we- we didn't have to... um... do
anything, did we? I mean, I don't remember much about last night, it was
such a blur.
Hermione: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot.
Ron: Then we didn't do anything.
[Hermione agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.]
Hermione: We were really drunk! I'm just glad we didn't do anything
Ron: [getting up] I know!
Hermione: Want a sugar quill? [She offers one.]
Ron: Thanks. [He takes a bite, and then stares at the sugar quill.]
Ron: I don't know. It just... reminds me of something...
Hermione: A sugar quill?
Ron: Yeah... I don't know... it's just... it reminds me of something...
[Scene: Breakfast downstairs at the hotel. Lavendar is already sitting
there when Neville comes to join her.]
Neville: Mornin' Lavendar. [Sits down.] Well, my Quidditch match
has officially been cancelled. We came all this way for nothing.
Lavendar: Oh Nev, I'm so sorry. Who would have thought you'd be
playing Quidditch for England by the time you were 18? And now they've
just gone and cancelled your first match...
Neville: It's okay, I suppose I'll just fly home with you lot.
What time's the flight?
Lavendar: Not sure. I'll ask Ginny later, she's bound to know.
[Harry and Ginny enter.]
Ginny: Hi guys.
Harry: So, has anyone talked to Mr and Mrs Weasley yet?
Lavendar: Oh, that's right, we'll have to owl Ron's parents, won't
we? Oooh, Mrs Weasley will not be happy...
Harry: I meant Ron and Hermione, Lav.
Lavendar: Oh, they sent me an owl earlier, they should be here
[Neville heads for the buffet and Harry follows him.]
Harry: Listen, I've got to talk to you.
Neville: Sure, what's the matter?
Harry: Ginny and I almost got married last night.
Neville: Oh my God! That's huge! [hugs him] Wait a minute, why
wasn't I invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don't tell me
it was going to be Ron! He was drunk! I would have made a much better
Harry: Look, I just don't think Ginny and I are ready to get married
yet! I mean, I love her
and everything but seeing Ron and Hermione coming out of that chapel was
like a, like a sign that
Ginny and I are moving too fast. How do I tell her without crushing her?
Neville: Tell her she's not marriage material.
Neville: Trust me, according to Ron people say that to Weasleys
all the time. If she's anything like the rest of her family, she'll just
[Meanwhile Ginny and Lavendar are having the same conversation on the
other side of the room.]
Ginny: How do I tell Harry that it's too soon? It'll break his
heart, he'll think that I don't love him anymore.
Lavendar: Well, you don't.
Ginny: [shocked] Yes, I do!
Lavendar: [nodding] Good, good. Just testing.
Harry: [returns with Neville] Hi.
Ginny: Oh! Hi! Hi! We were just talking about... about... pumpkin
Lavendar: No, we were talking about Quidditch. [to Ginny] Quidditch
is more believable.
[Ron and Hermione enter]
Ron: Hi guys.
[Ron and Hermione sit down. Hermione pours Ron some pumpkin juice. Everyone
is staring at them.]
Ron: [looks to each of their faces] What?
Harry: Are we going talk about what you two did last night? Or…
Hermione: [very jumpy] What do you mean? Last - last night? Nothing,
um, happened last night!
Lavendar: What are you talking about, Hermione? Ron invited us
all to watch!
[Hermione looks at Ron, completely stunned.]
Ginny: Hermione! We weren't going to miss our friends getting married!
Hermione: [gasps and looks happy] Who got married?
Harry: You... did...?
Ron: What?! Hello! Harry, we did not get married.
Hermione: No, of course not! That's ridiculous!
[They turn to look at each other, laughing, and then suddenly they remember.]
Ron: We- we- we- I remember being in a chapel.
Hermione: Oh no. Oh no, no, no!
Ron: They would not let us get married when we were that
Neville: Of course they let you get married when you're drunk!
Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk! [gives Harry a
bit of a look]
Lavendar: I'm drunk right now! [They all give her a look.] What?
I can't have a Butterbeer with breakfast? I'm on holiday!
Ginny: [getting back to the matter in hand] What are you going
to do, Hermione?
Hermione: Well, I suppose we'll just have to get a divorce. [She
looks at Ron.]
Ron: We don't need to get divorced, we just have to get an annulment.
Neville: [looking rather shocked] An annulment? Ron! I don't think
surgery's the answer here!
Ginny: [ignoring Neville] Anyway, Ron, how do you know about divorces
Ron: I heard Dad explainin to the twins once. [He blushes as the
others stare.] You know, just it case they ever...
[Scene: The Burrow. Hermione is on the sofa as Ron enters.]
Ron: Hi! Nice to be home, isn't it?
Hermione: Yes, darling.
Ron: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that
whole annulment thingy.
Ron: [nervously] I'm not going to do that.
Hermione: [starts to laugh] Okay! So, we'll just stay married!
Ron: [relieved] Yes, exactly!
Hermione: [laughs harder] And I will make everyone call me Mrs
Ron: Wow! This is so amazing! I really thought I'd have to talk
you into this!
Hermione: [stops laughing] Okay, now I'm scared because I don't
actually think you're joking.
Ron: I'm not joking. Look, I can't be the one HP character who
didn't marry the love of his life, okay? I'm not going to be that guy!
Hermione: What? So we'll just stay married forever?!
Ron: Okay, look, how is this going to affect you? Really?
Ron: I mean, it's not like anything has to change at all. You'll
just be Hermione Weasley instead of Hermione Granger, that's all. You're
practically a member of our family, anyway.
Ron: I'm just going by the majority of the fans, here, okay?
Hermione: All right, look, just please, take a moment here and
think about what you're asking of me.
Ron: I'm asking you to do me a favor and go with the fanfiction!
Hermione: You are asking me to be your wife!
Ron: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor!
Hermione: No! Ron, come on! No! Listen, the bottom line, Ron, is
that we can not stay married.
Ron: I don't know if that's true.
Hermione: Oh, yes it is, Ron! Yes it is!
Ron: Oh, okay, you know what this is? This is a difference of opinion.
And when that happens in a marriage -
Hermione: Oh Ron, come on! This is not a marriage! This is the
world's worst hangover! Ron, listen, if you do not get this annulment,
Ron: All right. All right, I'll do it.
Hermione: Thank you.
[Ron turns and leaves.]
[Scene: Later at the Burrow. Harry and Ginny are there and Hermione is
arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the
bouquet over her head Ginny catches it on reflex.]
Hermione: Oh, Ginny, you look like you're gonna be the -
Ginny: [almost hysterically] No, don't say it! Don't even think
Hermione: All right. Okay Harry, enjoy your handful. [exits]
Harry: All right, should we just get married? Should we just do
it? All the signs are telling us to do it. There was the lady in the portrait
that mistook us for my parents, and the vicar turning up at my last Quidditch
match for no apparent reason, and -
Ginny: I'm sick of the signs! It's too fast, I'm happy the way
Harry: Me too!
Ginny: I don't want things to change! Do you?
Ginny: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is just
perfect! Everything stays the same! And
you go unpack because it's been three days and it's driving me insane
because I cannot nick socks out of a suitcase! It would ruin my
reputation, it's far too easy!
Harry: Relax, would you! It's not like we're married.... [realises
what he just said] Ahhh! [runs out and then walks back in again slowly]
I was thinking... what if I... um... unpack here?
Ginny: Then all your things would be here.
Harry: Well, what if all my things were here?
Ginny: Then... it would be easier for people to steal your clothes?
Harry: No, seriously.
Ginny: Then you'd be going back and forth all the time. It doesn't
make any sense.
Harry: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what
Ginny: Live together? There haven't been any signs for that, have
Harry: Me asking is kind of a sign.
Ginny: [thinks about it, and then jumps on Harry and gives him
a huge hug] Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait- wait- wait!
Ginny: Here's your key! [gets him one]
Harry: Oh thanks.
Ginny: All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and I'll
lock the door, and then you come back in!
Harry: I'm sure this door hasn't been locked in five years, but
okay! [runs out] Ready?
Ginny:[locking the door] Ready!
[Harry tries to let himself in, but there is a crack]
Ginny: What was that?
Harry: Um... slight problem. The key broke in the lock and I can't
Ginny: Then I can't get out either!
Harry: This is not a sign!
Ginny: No, it's not a sign! It's a very old key!
Harry: It's an old key! Okay!
Ginny: I love you!
Harry: I love you too! [Pause] Are you hugging the door right
Harry: Don't worry, I'm not either.
[Scene: The Burrow, the lounge. Lavendar and Hermione are on the sofa
as Ron enters.]
Hermione: [getting straight to the point] So did everything go
all right with the annulment?
Ron: Oh, yeah, no problems there. It's all taken care of.
Hermione: Thanks, Ron. [hugs him] Do you two want to come to the
library with me? I've got an essay to finish off.
Ron: Yeah, all right.
Lavendar: No thanks, I did it yesterday.
Hermione: But we were in Las Vegas yesterday.
Lavendar: You can do essays in Vegas.
Hermione: Fair enough. I'll just go and get my books. [walks away]
Ron: Okay. [He sits down next to Lavendar.] You want to hear something
Lavendar: [who enjoys a good gossip] Always.
Ron: I didn't get the annulment.
Lavendar: [not what she was expecting to hear] What?
Ron: [grinning] We're still married. Don't tell Hermione! See you
[Ron gets up and follows Hermione to the library, leaving Lavendar in
[Scene: The hallway, Charlie is coming up the stairs and sees Harry trying
to open the lock.]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Harry: The key's stuck in the lock!
Charlie: I can fix that. Hang on. [He goes and gets a screwdriver
from downstairs and pries at the door a little bit.]
Harry: [trying the handle] But, Charlie, it still doesn't work.
Charlie: I'm not finished.
[Charlie goes across the corridor, and then suddenly turns and runs into
the door, which comes off its hinges and falls into Ginny's room]
Harry: Nice one, Charlie. Learn that from the dragons in Romania?
Charlie: [smiling secretively] Well... in Romania, yes. [Harry
looks slightly shocked] Things are different out there, okay?
[Charlie walks off downstairs again, and Harry stares after him.]