A/N: Dedicated to B, who has been remarkably speedy of late and didn't
mind when our email address suddenly changed and no one told her, and
to Shakespeare, 'cause he ROX...
Disclaimer: If we were JK Rowling, we'd be earning a lot of royalties.
If we were Shakespeare, then yep, we'd still be earning quite a lot of
royalties. Must we really tell you that we're not? Actually, Shakespeare
going online in the evenings is quite a funny image, so yeah, just pretend
we're Shakespeare, typing away over here... hehehe.
Dramatis Personae
Lysander.......................................................Ronald
Weasley
Demitrius.......................................................Harry
Potter
Hermia............................................................Hermione
Granger
Helena............................................................Ginny
Weasley
Quince...........................................................Arthur
Weasley
Snug..............................................................Bill
Weasley
Bottom..........................................................George
Weasley
Flute..............................................................Charlie
Weasley
Snout............................................................Percy
Weasley
Starveling.....................................................Rubeus
Hagrid
Theseus, Duke of Athens..........................Fred Weasley
Egeus, father to Hermia..............................An H/H shipper
Hippolyta......................................................Angelina
Johnson
Oberon..........................................................Albus
Dumbledore
Titania...........................................................Minerva
McGonagall
Puck..............................................................Lee
Jordan
Peaseblossom..............................................Madam Pomfrey
Cobweb........................................................Molly Weasley
Mustardseed...............................................Rita Skeeter
Moth............................................................Sybil
Trelawney
Act 1, Scene 1
[Hogwarts. Gryffindor common room.]
Fred: Now, fair Angelina, our nuptial hour
Draws on apace; four happy days bring in
Another moon; but, O, methinks, how slow
This old moon wanes! she lingers my desires,
Like to a step-dame or a dowager
Long withering out a young man revenue.
Angelina: What?
Fred: How should I know? Just go with the flow!
Angelina: Fine then.
Four days will quickly steep themselves in night;
Four nights will quickly dream away the time;
And then the moon, like to a silver bow
New-bent in heaven, shall behold the night
Of our solemnities.
Fred: That wasn't bad for off-the-cuff.
Angelina: Yeah, I'm quite proud of that actually. I'll have to
remember it for the next time we have to do poetry in Muggle Studies.
Fred: How's this?:
Angelina, I woo'd the with my sword,
And won thy love, doing thee injuries;
But I will wed thee in another key,
With pomp, with triumph and with revelling
[Pause]
Angelina: You haven't even asked me yet, you know.
Fred: Asked you what?
Angelina: To marry you.
Fred: Oh, right. Better do this properly. [He clears his throat]
Oi! Angelina!
Angelina: What?
Fred: Wanna marry me?
Angelina: All right then.
Fred: [To the world in general] See. Piece of cake.
[Enter Hermione, Ron, Harry and an H/H shipper]
H/Her: Happy be Fred, our renowned troublemaker!
Fred: As much as I don't want to ask, what are you doing at The
Sugar Quill?
H/Her: Full of vexation come I, with complaint;
My child, my daughter Hermi...one
Stand forth Harry. My noble Fred,
This man hath my consent to marry her.
Stand forth Ronald: and my gracious Fred,
This man hath bewitch'd the bosom of my child.
Ron: I never went anywhere near her bosom!
H/Her: Thou, thou, Ronald, thou hast given her rhymes,
And interchanged love-tokens with my child:
Thou hast by moonlight at her window sung,
With feigning voice verses of feigning love,
And stolen the impression of her fantasy
With bracelets of thy hair, rings, gawds, conceits,
Knacks, trifles, nosegays, sweetmeats, messengers
Of strong prevailment in unharden'd youth.
Harry: Ron! Did you really do all those things for Hermione?
Because that would be uncharacteristically romantic, and you should never
act like that, even in fanfiction.
Ron: Nope. Don't remember doing one of them.
Harry: Oh. That's all right then. And, Hermione?
Hermione: Yes?
Harry: What's all this about you being this H/Her's daughter?
Hermione: I have no idea. I suppose H/Hers just feel rather protective
of me because they want me to end up with someone "suitable".
Harry: And I'm suitable, am I?
Hermione: Apparently so.
Fred: What say you, Hermione?
Harry is a worthy wizard.
Hermione: So is Ron.
Fred: In himself he is;
But in this kind, wanting this H/Her's voice,
The other must be held the worthier.
Hermione: I would this H/Her looked but with my eyes.
Fred: Rather your eyes must with his judgement look.
Hermione: But this is The Sugar Quill! Why are you taking the
H/Her's side?
Fred: Well, it's okay to have a little H/H at first, as long
as things work out in the end. And so I must tell you that if you refuse
to go with Harry, your choice is
Either to die the death or abjure
For ever the society of men,
Or else to wed Harry, as this H/Her would;
Or on Diana's alter to protest
For aye austerity and single life.
Ron: Diana's alter? What are you on about?
Hermione: He means I would have to keep lifelong celibacy
Ron: Oh, right. [Pause] Hang on, what?
Harry: She'd have to be a nun.
Ron: Oh, gotcha.
Well, that's not very fair!
You have the H/H's love, Harry;
Let me have Hermione's: do you marry him.
H/Her: Scornful Ronald! true, he hath my love,
And what is mine my love shall render him.
And she is mine, and all my right of her
I do estate unto Harry.
Ron: I am, my lord, as well derived as he,
And of pure blood!
Hermione: Ron!
Ron: Sorry, just trying to win Fred over by reminding him that
I am part of his family.
My love is more than his;
My fortunes every way as fairly rank'd.
H/Her: Ha. Yeah. Right.
Ron: Hey!
And, which is more than all his boasts can be,
I am beloved of beauteous Hermione.
Ginny, Molly's sweet daughter, dotes
Devoutly dotes, dotes in idolatry
Upon this bespectacled and inconsistent man.
Fred: I must confess that I had heard so much,
And thought to speak with Harry about it;
But, being over-full of self-affairs,
My mind did lose it. But, Harry, come;
And come, H/Her; you shall go with me.
Come, my Angelina: what cheer, my love?
Harry and H/Her, go along.
H/Her: With duty and desire we follow you.
[Exit all but Ron and Hermione]
Ron: That guy is such a suck up.
Hermione: Yes.
Ron: How now, my love! why is your cheek so pale?
How chance the roses there do fade so fast?
Hermione: Belike for want of rain, which I could well
Beteem them from the tempest of my eyes.
Ron: You do burst into tears rather a lot these days, you know.
Hermione: Yes, but not as much as some people seem to think.
Ron: Oh dear! for aught that I could ever read
Or that you've told me to read
Or that you've quoted to me
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Hermione: If then true lovers have been ever cross'd,
It stands as an edict in destiny:
Then let us teach our trial patience
Because it is a customary cross,
As due to love as thoughts and dreams and sighs,
Wishes and tears, poor fancy's followers.
Ron: A good persuasion: therefore, hear me, Hermione.
I have a Muggle second cousin, an accountant
Of great revenue, and he hath no child:
From Hogwarts is his house remote seven miles;
And he respects me as a wizard.
There, gentle Hermione, may I marry thee;
And to that place the sharp wizarding law
Cannot pursue us. If thou lovest me then,
Steal forth thy dormitory to-morrow night;
And in the wood, a mile without Hogsmeade,
Where I did meet thee once with Ginny,
To do observance to a morn of May,
There will I stay for thee.
Hermione: My good Ron!
I swear to thee, by my Potions essay,
By my best Arithmancy book with the gold binding,
By the incantations of Transfiguration work,
By the charms that I understand and you don't,
And by that fire which I can always conjure up,
When we think someone is trying to kill Harry,
By all the vows that ever men have broke,
In number more than ever women spoke,
In that same place thou hast appointed me,
To-morrow truly will I meet with thee.
Ron: Right. Look, here comes Ginny.
Hermione: God speed fair Ginny! whither away?
Ginny: Call you me fair? that fair again unsay.
Harry loves you fair: O happy fair!
Your eyes are brown stars; and your wand's sweet charms
More magical than Prof. Trelawney by far,
When she reads tea leaves, and when Grims appear.
Sickness is catching: O, were favour so,
Yours would I catch, fair Hermia, ere I go;
My ear should catch your voice, my eye your eye,
My wand should catch your wand's talent.
Were the world mine, Harry being bated,
The rest I'd give to be to you translated.
O, teach me how you look, and with what art
You sway the motion of Harry's heart.
Hermione: I frown upon him, yet he loves me still.
Ginny: O that your frowns would teach my smiles such skill!
Hermione: I give him homework, yet he gives me love.
Ginny: O that my help could such affection move!
Hermione: The more I hate, the more he follows me.
Ginny: The more I love, the more he ignores me.
Hermione: His folly, Ginny, is no fault of mine.
Ginny: None, but your beauty: would that fault were mine!
Hermione: Take comfort: he no more shall see my face;
Ron and myself will fly this place.
Ron: Ginny, to you our minds we will unfold:
At a time that lovers' flights doth still conceal,
Through Hogwarts' gates have we devised to steal.
Hermione: And in the wood, there my Ron and myself shall meet;
And thence from Hogwarts turn away our eyes.
Farewell, sweet playfellow: pray thou for us;
And good luck grant thee thy Harry!
[Exit Hermione]
Ron: Ginny, adieu:
As you on him, Harry dote on you!
[Exit Ron]
Ginny: How happy some o'er other some can be!
Through Hogwarts I am thought as fair as she.
But what of that? Harry thinks not so;
He will not know what all but he do know:
And as he errs, doting on Hermione's eyes,
So I, admiring of his qualities:
Things base and vile, forming no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity:
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind:
Nor hath Love's mind of any judgement taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.
I will go tell Harry of fair Hermione's flight:
Then to the wood will he to-morrow night
Pursue her; and for this intelligence
If I have thinks, it is a dear expense:
But herein mean I to enrich my pain,
To have his sight thither and back again.
[Exit Ginny]
Special Sagittaire Note: Thank you so much to everyone who supported
me when I said I'd leave the message boards. You REALLY ROX, it made me
feel so much better, you have no idea. And, hey, lurking is fun too :-).
I'm still reading all your stuff (Imogen! Do you enjoy torturing your
readers or something? More! Please!) and loving it, of course. But I'm
okay. Far too busy, what with drama and school and orchestra and French
exchange students coming in a week's time, but I'm good. And I don't feel
guilty any more, which is brilliant. And my mum is suddenly really cool
about everything I talk to her about... Anyway, thank you so much, and
I will stop rambling now because I'm sure only about two people will have
read this far. If you are one of the two, you ROX too! See you, guys!
-S
