Disclaimers: All the stuff
that belongs to the sock-rocking J.K. Rowling belongs to her, etc.
I’d like to say this
fanfic falls under the category of “humor,” but if it fails to draw
any mirth, then it qualifies as “general.”
To put it mildly, Professor Albus Dumbledore,
headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was becoming rather
desperate in his search for a new professor to fill the position for Defense
Against the Dark Arts. He did not want a repeat of what had happened this past
year – even thinking about that dreadful so-called
“professor” Dolores Umbridge made the old wizard shudder, the
meanest woman God ever blew breath into. Well, Dumbledore thought wryly, in
America it would be quite inappropriate to use the term “God.” So,
he corrected to himself, the meanest woman any higher being ever blew breath
had already traveled all over the country in search of a new professor, and not
one teacher had even volunteered a “maybe,” so frightened everyone
was of this position. Now he was tramping through the Forbidden Forest near
Hogwarts, leaves and thorns and thistles catching in his robes. The reason for
this trek was that Dumbledore had remembered something he had overheard a
student saying shortly after Professor Remus Lupin had left: Perhaps the school
would get a vampire for a teacher the next year. That had given him the idea of
searching for another part-human; after all, both Professor Lupin and Firenze
had proven to be very adept at teaching. And what better place to find another
part-human than the Forbidden Forest?
obviously, was not afraid of any of the creatures that were lurking in the
forest. He was more than a match for any of them; in fact, it would have been
quite foolish for any of the monsters the Forbidden Forest had to offer to
attack him. Of course, not many of the creatures in the forest were very
good evening,” said a deep, pleasant voice with a Transylvanian accent
from behind the headmaster. “What brings you out here, sir?”
turned around. The speaker was a tall, pale-faced young man, with dark hair and
dark eyes. He was wearing a black and red dress robe with several rips and
please excuse my attire. I’ve been camping out for the past month in this
forest, and I’ve gotten into some accidents with some of the sharper
plants,” the man said very smoothly.
out in this particular forest, and in dress robes?” Dumbledore asked
skeptically. As smoothly as this man spoke, it was obvious he was a liar.
“Why, yes. I prefer less light,
and this forest is suitably dark. Lovely, these beech and sycamore trees are.
Now, what brings you here?”
been searching for a teacher for my school, and–”
I’m a schoolteacher as well; in fact, this is how I’ve been
spending my summer vacation. What is the subject in question?”
Against the Dark Arts.”
even better! I studied the Dark Arts at Dumbstrangle–”
yes, my mistake!” The young man looked a bit panicked now. “Well,
anyway, I have quite a thorough knowledge of the Dark Arts and its
countercurses; I’ve even served on the Mystery of Magic!”
yes, that’s what I meant!” Before Dumbledore could question him
further, the young man hurried on. “Now, it seems as though you’ve
been wandering around for quite some time, so if you would kindly join me to my
lair for tea and even perhaps dinner, we may further discuss this teaching
business. Oh, I meant my tent, not lair, I mean, excuse me!” the young
man corrected himself quickly.
“Thank you for your offer, young man. What are
you doing so far from the Black Forest? Did Dracula banish you here?”
“Oh, yes, he did, I kept biting his
girlfriends that he intended to eat. Oh no!” The man broke off, and the
ends of Dumbledore’s mouth tugged to form a small, triumphant smile.
“Oh, I didn’t mean to say that, sir, really, it’s not what
“Oh, I think it’s exactly what I think.
You are a vampire, and a very hungry one at that. Not very many humans in this
forest to attack, is there? Which is why you were desperate enough to even
think of attacking me.”
“Oh, all right. You got me. Yes, I am a
vampire. I know who you are; you’re the only wizard the Dark Lord fears,
and yes, it would have been very imprudent of me to even attempt to bite
“In which case you’ll understand that I
can’t accept you as a professor at Hogwarts; you are far too dangerous to
be around innocent students.”
“No, O wise and gracious headmaster! I assure
you that any desires to bite are quite under control! Please reconsider!
Won’t you join me to my, er, humble abode? Then perhaps you could lie
down and think about it a bit.”
“And I assure you that I would be quite an
unsatisfactory meal to partake of. Good day to you.” With a dramatic
flourish of his cloak, Dumbledore turned away, fully expecting the vampire to
lunge at him, which he did.
“STAKO FORMOSO!” Dumbledore shouted. Suddenly a wall of wooden stakes
appeared between Dumbledore and the vampire. The vampire froze lest he be
impaled upon the stakes.
“Ha ha, very good, human,” the vampire
growled. “Oh, all right, I give up. You better watch your back, though,
ought to put on some garlic, you should…”
“Still threatening the only wizard Lord
Voldemort ever feared?”
The vampire fired off a string of foul words, while
Dumbledore chuckled. Finally, the vampire turned into a bat and flew away.