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~FRIDAY 11 AUGUST
Disclaimer: This parody
is based equally on the universe created by J.K. Rowling and the style
perfected by Helen Fielding.I do not
profit from writing this, unless laughter can now be exchanged for cold, hard
Author’s Notes:Am renaming my first-born “Axelle” in order to profess my gratitude to A.L. de Sauveterre for 1. Urging me to read Bridget Jones’s Diary and 2. Acting as a Plot
Confidante as this Plot Bunny attacked me.Thanks is also due to Ara
Kane, my wonderful Beta Reader.
This is a parody and should be read as
such.Any out of
character bits are intentional.Subtle
pokes at fandom and at Draco himself can be found within.
Draco’s Notes: I have “gacked” the idea of having my own notes from Hex Holmstrom, who belongs to Ara
Kane.It’s not fair that he has all the
fun.That said, my rant about asking how
my Father is comes from Bridget Jones’s Diary, page 10 (paperback
edition), almost word for word.Interestingly enough, my closet fascination with the Cannons also comes
from Ara Kane.Futhermore, references to both the Society of
Orpheus and Bacchus and Dame Francesca are a result of A.L. de Sauveterre’s genius.
-An Exceptionally Good Start-
~Friday 11 August
155 lbs., Butterbeers
2 (but one was at lunch, thus not counting), Fizzing Whizbees
4, minutes in front of the mirror 13.
thinks it wise to set some goals for myself this school year.In her mind even perfection has room for
improvement.Since I’m being forced to
set them, I might as well list them:
the Mudblood at O.W.L.s
Weasley at everythingHave Weasley beaten
lbs. as Father says all of the best
Seekers weigh under 140 lbs.
Should probably cut back on sweets and Butterbeer to aid in weight loss process.Perhaps that’s what gives Potter his
advantage, the skinny twerp.
have been made prefect.Pansy Floo’d.Apparently
is prefect as well.Must resist urge to
retch at thought of extra time spent with her.
Father is away "on business" again.Right.Apparently Mother thinks me an idiot.
Just realized that Potter is probably prefect.
Not that I care.
that is just like him to get everything.
At least it’s not Weasley.
~Saturday 12 August
154 lbs. 3 oz., Butterbeers
3 (not bad), Sugar Quills 1 (was pretending to work on History of Magic Essay),
minutes in front of the mirror 23 (necessary, as am going to Diagon Alley).
is still away “on business.”Mother is
taking me shopping.Excellent.Shall pester her for lavish
gifts as reward for prefect badge.
lavish gifts from mother for prefect badge.May Floo Pansy to show off said gifts.She usually simpers properly.On the other hand, just ate.Too much simpering might upset stomach.Perhaps will look for House
Elf to badger instead.Will Floo
Mrs. Parkinson Floo’d
having party hosted in my honour for making prefect.It’s for Pansy too, but is
inconsequential.All of the important
students will be there, of course, so it’s only natural that Mother and I make
an appearance.Wonder if Father will
bet Saint Potter isn’t having a party
thrown in hishonour.
~Wednesday 16 August
152 lbs., Butterbeers
0 (drank pumpkin juice), Licorice Wands 2 (but deserved it after flying
practice around Manor grounds), minutes in front of the mirror 15 (adequate).
Just finished three laps around Manor grounds on broomstick.Am all sweaty.Interestingly, still smell good.
returned from “business.”He was in foul
mood, which I simply do not understand.He spends 14 years practically mourning the loss of the Dark Lord.Then the Dark Lord finally returns and
Father’s mood seems uncannily like manticore with
tooth ache.Furthermore, he did not seem
at all impressed by my prefect badge.Of
course, we all knew I’d get it.Because let’s face it, who else? Crabbe? Goyle?Zabini?Don’t make me laugh.
Mother seemed pleased.He didn’t even
bring me anything back from his travels.
I do hope he
doesn’t find this.
Have decided to keep this
hidden from now on.Just to be
left again.Mother is ball of
angst.Wish she would just admit to
where he’s going instead of walking around as if nothing has changed.On the other hand, she is taking me shopping
for some new dress robes for my party
on Saturday.She and I agree on one
thing. I simply must be better dressed
than Pansy, though that should not prove difficult.I have pieces of furniture in my bedroom that
are worth more than her entire house, but that is beside the point.
hounded by Mother until Potions assignment was complete.Brewed Weight Loss Potion.Will obtain optimum
aerodynamics for Quidditch.That
ought to show Father.
~Saturday 19 August—*My* Party
150 lbs., Butterbeers
6 (it was a party!), various sweets 21 (it was a party!), minutes in front of
the mirror 87 (it was a party!).
Showered.Changed hair style three
different times.Was unsatisfied with all three styles.Despise styling hair by hand.Longing to return to school where grooming
charms can be used.
again to fix uncooperative hair.Is this
what Potter goes through each day?Perhaps—only he doesn’t care enough to keep at it until he’s
on hair.Now to choose
dress robes.Mother purchased
seven new pairs, so I have quite a choice.The Gladrags SignatureLine is always impressive, but as they were having a sale, those
two pairs are definitely out of the
question.Normally would’ve been given
custom designed robes, but those take three weeks.Pansy’s mother must have purposely planned
the party so soon in a deliberate attempt to prevent me from looking my
best.No matter.I’ll still look better than Pansy.Even in the Signature line.
the Aubergine De La Croix robes.The purest black silk with
worn only by dignitaries or the most famous wizards.I fit both categories, I’m sure.
looking quite handsome if I do say so myself.
now waiting on Mother, who, of course,
must show up Pansy’s mother.Never mind
the fact that she looks better than Pansy’s gauche mother, even when Mother is
at her worst.Which
isn’t often, mind you.
Need new mirror.This one has run out of compliments and is
now recycling old ones.That’s the third
one this year.Apparently
not made like they used to be.
Made fashionably late
entrance with Mother.Smiled politely while doted upon by other adults.Was met by Pansy in the
foyer.She was looking acceptable
(Gladrags Signature Line robes in Slytherin green
inquired about my robes, but Madam Malkin hardly
keeps Aubergine De La Croix on the floor.I informed her that such robes were kept in
the back and only offered to her most respected customers (implying, of course,
that she hadn’t a chance in Hades of wearing De La Croix in this lifetime).I also made it clear that she should not hang on the sleeve, as even the
natural oils in the skin might tarnish them (thus making it impossible for her
to make her grand entrance on my arm).
Pansy’s mother had pulled out all the stops, however.The entire dining room had been cleared out
to make room for my party.All of the important Slytherins in fourth
year and above were there, as well as a few choice Ravenclaws.They all lined up to congratulate us
me.After performing mysocial
obligations, I made my way to the refreshments, where I knew I’d find
Crabbe and Goyle.
Once I reached them, I sent Crabbe to retrieve a cold Butterbeer for me while BlaiseZabini sauntered up in his usual smug way.I detected a trace of envy in his eyes,
though I wasn’t sure if it was because of my badge (as if he would have been made prefect) or my robes.Either way, indulged his desire to be in my
presence while waiting on my Butterbeer.The conversation soon turned to Quidditch, at
which I was pleased.Any topic of
conversation that gives me the chance to demonstrate my superior knowledge is
fair game with me.Zabini
went on and on about the Falcons as usual, and I argued in favour
of Puddlemere, as was expected, since they are the oldest team in the league.(None of them would ever suspect my closet
obsession with the Cannons.Until
writing it here, I’ve never breathed a word of it to anyone.)
Our discussion became quite animated, as Zabini
never misses a chance to be loud and obnoxious.Needless to say, we eventually drew a crowd.At some point, some unimportant sixth year
who could only hope to aspire to a fifth of my talent on a broom, asked, “So,
Malfoy, when are you finally going to beat Potter to the Snitch?”
Okay, Draco, breathe.That’s it.Good.
Had I snapped my head in his direction any faster, my hair
might have fallen out of place.Immediately striking fear into his heart with a mere glance in his
direction, I wanted desperately to throw composure to the wind and hex him into
next week.After all, Father was usually
a man of action rather than words, why couldn’t I be the same way?
She’d kill me if I embarrassed her.
Clearing my throat loudly (and successfully gaining
everyone’s attention), I strode over to Mr. Nobody (my robes billowing
dramatically in my wake—an added touch), and looked him up and down.He was wearing Gladrags Formals, for Merlin’s sake!Tell me no one actually thought he should be listened to.
“I’m sorry, who are
Silence.He looked down at his under-polished boots.
Score for Draco.
In the world of
Slytherin politics, unknowns such as yourself should never match wits with one
of -- no -- the top- name Slytherin since the Dark Lord himself.I might have even given him such
generous advice had he not already ticked me off.
And where in Hades was Goyle with my Butterbeer?
Simply smashing.A crowd was gathering, my body temperature
was still rising, my patience was diminishing, and all I wanted was a bloody Butterbeer!
At least disaster was averted.And I was doing well not letting thoughts of
Potter ruin my night.
Being the ladies’ magnet that I am (though I
haven’t yet sorted out whether they are attracted to my influence, power,
money, or general good looks), I entertain Daphne Greengrass
and Tracey Davis with stories of me.They laugh at all the right times, and I notice Pansy out of the corner
of my eye looking murderous.
I decide to be a gentleman and invite Daphne and Tracey for
a visit to the Manor any time.
Am bored.On third Butterbeer now.More mingling.
I bump into Lisa Turpin (who is there only because her
family knows Pansy’s), who asks (much too loudly), “Oh, hello, Draco.How is your father these days?”
Oh Salazar.Why can’t non-Slytherins understand that this
is no longer a polite question to ask?We wouldn’t rush up to them and ask, “Hi, whose side are your parents
on?Has the Dark Lord contacted them
yet?”Everyone was at the leaving feast
a few months back to hear Dumbledore’s speech, and they can understand that
everything is not happy-go-lucky as it was when we were fourth-years and that
the honest answer is more likely to be, “Well, Father’s brushing up on his Cruciatus,
because despite popular opinion, I am not
abused, so he’s a bit out of practice and has to prepare for torturing
Mudbloods with the other Death Eaters,” than, “Super, thanks.”
Not feeling up to lying, however, I shoot daggers at her
with my eyes and mumble, “Fine,” at which point she winks at me.
think someone spiked this last one with Firewhisky.Zabini tries to acquire
details about some supposed relationship I have with Pansy.Note to self: find out who started this rumour and torture them mercilessly.
Tracey Davis always flirted with me like this?And at what point did she achieve a sense of fashion?Not just any witch could pull off a set of Delia Everette
was ready to retire early, thank all that is just in the world.
to shower once more before bed.
~Wednesday 23 August
154 lbs. (am destined to crack racing
broom in half from weight), Butterbeers 2 (v. good),
sweets 0 (all right, half a Fizzing Whizbee, but
because it was not completely consumed, it doesn’t count), minutes in front of
the mirror 10 (perfection came quickly today).
Ugh.Cannot face thought of getting out of bed.Only thing that makes it tolerable is trip to
Diagon Alley for school things.Because
in addition to the usual pleasure of buying new supplies, I heard from BlaiseZabini that Tracey Davis’
parents were taking her to Diagon Alley today as well.
Can’t decide on robes
to wear.Perhaps there’s an
advantage in being poor like Weasley where you can only afford one pair of
robes per child.
Then again, perhaps not.
One of the disadvantages to having skin
as fair as mine is that not every colour suits
me.True, those are normally the garish colours anyway.Decide on slate grey robes with hunter green trim.Flattering.Brings out my eyes.
who am I kidding?I’m hideous!I’m pale, and I’ve just realized that my face
is damn near pointy!Girls are only
attracted to me for my money and power, and I’m going to go to Diagon Alley and
make a fool of myself in front of Tracey because I’ve lived my life under the
delusion that I am attractive.
I know!I’ll Floo the
one person who always makes me feel better.
It’s good to know Pansy serves some use in
life.Just got out of the fire,
confidence restored to maximum levels.She’s
actually quite adept at sensing my moods and catering to my emotional
needs.Perhaps I should let her know
that I appreciate her.I could even buy
her a gift.
No.That would be
horribly misconstrued.Actually, any sign of affection directed towards
her would be horribly misconstrued.Besides, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
Time to go shopping!
Have returned from
shopping.Thank Salazar for
house-elves.Wasn’t sure how I’d carry
all those packages without using magic.Wouldn’t want to strain back before Quidditch season, after all.
Trip to Diagon Alley was heaven-sent.Tracey was there (Note to Self: Be polite to Blaise on train as reward).She was looking very cute in her Malkin’s Everyday robes,
which is more than can be said for most girls.Was immensely glad to realize that she was indeed
good-looking and that it hadn’t simply been a Butterbeer-spiked-with-Firewhisky-induced
hallucination at my party the other night.Unfortunately, we only caught each other in
one store, so flirtatious smiles were at a minimum.Why haven’t I ever noticed her before?Oh, right.Last year, Hogwarts was crawling with French girls.And I suppose she did develop a bit over the
summer as well.
Anyway, aside from gratifying wordless flirt session, the
trip into London was not
wasted.Managed to procure the following
new items: a new platinum telescope; premium, hand-picked potions ingredients;
new gloves made in part with Demiguise hairs, so that
they shimmer in the same colour as my cloak (v.
nice); new cloak as well, black crushed velvet with satin lining and built-in
warming charms (much more luxurious than basic black cloaks of other students);
new fastenings for new cloak; new leather case for wand; and the Official Nimbus 2001 broom servicing
kit.Bought boring school things as
well, but those were not the highlight of the day, for obvious reasons.
Father is due back soon.He plans to accompany us to Kings Cross next week.Help me contain my joy.
~ THURSDAY 31 AUGUST
152 lbs., (am
convinced this is from daily Quidditch training), Butterbeers
4 (trying to drown out Father’s criticism), Sweets 0 (excellent), minutes in
front of mirror 11 (not bad).
taken to revising History of Magic essay at the last minute in an attempt to
avoid Father.Amazingly, it turns out
that bits of history are bloody fascinating, and it’s just Binns
that makes it painfully tiresome.For
example, before Dumbledore came along to make things frightfully dull at
Hogwarts, there used to be a cultural association of sorts called the Society
of Orpheus and Bacchus.Apparently only
the best students were invited to this inner circle thing, and made a
intrigued and annoyed at learning this.Intrigued because it actually sounded worthwhile.Annoyed because, of course Dumbledore would
have managed to rid the school of anything remotely fun other than Quidditch.
But at least it was gone before Father was at school.He most certainly would have been a Sentinel,
thus giving him one more reason to list all of my shortcomings on a regular
King’s Cross tomorrow.Am torn between the dread of returning to those
deplorably bulky mattresses on the four posters (though I suspect they are the
most comfortable things Weasley has ever slept on) and utter delight in the
chance to put my prefect privileges to use.Speaking of Weasley, I’m sure I could think
of several humiliating detentions for him.
12:22 p.m. Several possible humiliating detentions for
§Cleaning my shoes (though I could never wear
them again afterwards)
§Carrying my books
§Sprucing up school brooms (as time with said
brooms would remind him that 1. He doesn’t play Quidditch and 2. He could never
afford a real broom) (though the school brooms hardly qualify as “real brooms”)
§Preparing my potions ingredients (again)
§Shining all of the Slytherin trophies
§Polishing my prefect badge
she wanted to remind me to go directly to the prefects’ carriage.
She really just wanted to 1. See my face (not that I blame
her) or 2. Ensure that she can sit with me tomorrow on the train to school.
Am packed.Only took 6 hours (v. good).Was browsing around the library
in the East Wing of the Manor.Came across book by a certain Dame Francesca.It chronicles the many ways witches can “woo
that wayward wizard.”Note to Self:
Ensure that Pansy never comes across
this book.Still, v.
amusing.Perhaps the Weasel could
use some of these tips to snag the Mudblood.
soon after eating for such thoughts.
Time for Father’s yearly “Uphold the
Family Honour” speech.I don’t know why he bothers.It’s not as if I ever manage to uphold said honour, according to him.(Though it’s a bit rude of him to lecture me in front of Mother, when we
all know what happened to both of her sisters and cousins.)Will stand there, nod occasionally, and
appease him with the usual “Yes, Father.”Then will return to room and enjoy last night’s sleep in decent
Will also plot ways to annoy Potter and
The Sugar Quill was created by Zsenya and Arabella. For
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