The Sugar Quill
Author: Wren  Story: The Story of the Lost Buttock  Chapter: Default
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Author's Note: Okay, so who else was extremely curious about who'd lost a buttock when they'd stuck their wand in their back pocket? LOL, that was one of my favorite parts. Ahem. So, anyway, yes, right, this is all JKR's except for Jerome and the Lerevils, they belong to me. No huge spoilers, but some up through Chapter 3. And I start off with a quote from canon. Let's see, I don't believe there's anything more to say. Off we go.

Moody saw Harry stick his wand in his back pocket. "Don't put your wand there, boy!" he roared. "What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"

"Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?" Tonks asked interestedly.

"Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!" growled Mad-Eye. "Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers with it anymore." He stomped off toward the kitchen, his magical eye rolling back to watch the others. He saw Tonks roll her eyes, presumptuous female. "I saw that!"

Moody sat down in the kitchen, glaring at the others who were in there until they left hurriedly. "Hmmph." He sat back awkwardly, remembering a night long ago, when he'd just joined the Aurors.


"Now, young Alastor, the one rule you should always remember is this: Never put your wand somewhere you wouldn't want it to ignite," said his mentor, Jerome Rumari.

"Yes sir," his slightly squeaky voice affirmed. {Moody harrumphed in his currently deep, gravelly voice, just to make sure it hadn't reverted to its former soprano in the last few seconds} "But why?"

"NEVER YOU MIND!"

"Okay," he said slowly.

*

Later that night, there was a raid on the Lerevil's home. Alastor and Jerome were among the first there. After Stunning Mr and Mrs Lerevil, they grabbed some of the Dark items including a mysterious looking ring. Unfortunately, Alastor found that he couldn't quite keep a firm grip on his wand and carry all those items. So, when Jerome turned around, Moody quickly set the stuff down and put his wand in his back pocket and resumed his hold on the objects. He and Jerome opened a trunk that conveniently showed up, and they dumped all the stuff in there. Jerome performed a spell that connected the trunk to their brooms, and Moody jumped on his broom, forgetting about his wand. Sure enough, it ignited. It sent about a thousand red sparks aimed right at his buttock. Alastor howled in utmost pain.

"SHUT UP MOODY! BEFORE YOU GET US ALL KILLED!" Jerome shouted.

*

After they arrived at the headquarters, Alastor was inspected. He swore to that very day that the Healers all stifled laughs every time they came in to look him over.

"Well, young Moody," the head Healer said in an overly polite voice, "we will be able to Heal this, although it may, er, give you occasional trouble sometimes. Just, er, perform a Cushioning Charm. It should be alright by the morning."

Alastor growled.

**BACK TO THE PRESENT**

The current Alastor performed a quick Cushioning Charm on the Dursleys' hard wooden chairs, and took a swig from his hip flask. He heard Lupin introduce him, and turned back to Harry.

The End!
That is to say, there is no more. Well, that's the end of the story. Oh, you know what I mean.
//
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