Since reading ‘Order of the Phoenix’, I’ve wanted to put what I feel for Sirius (who is one of my favorite
characters) into words, specifically into the words of those who were close to
him. Also, I think that Lupin was, in his own way, just as devastated as Harry,
if not more, so these are his thoughts.
Thanks to Zsenya for liking my story and “editing”
it-sorry about those dots!
Lupin’s thoughts as he sits
in a silent room the night Sirius falls through the veil. The only thing that’s
mine is the words….and Lupin’s feelings.
I’m sitting alone in a silent room, staring at nothing,
thinking, even though my mind feels empty.
Just a few hours ago I watched as Sirius fell through that
veil, which has hidden him forever from view.
It feels as if time has stopped, as if nothing exists or
ever has existed other than then and now.
And now there is only silence.
The memories of what passed between then and now seem
distant and slightly blurred, as if they belong to another life or a different
The only thing I remember clearly is the look in Sirius’s
dark eyes as he fell….did he understand what was happening?
I whisper his name hoarsely into the dark, silent room, and
my eyes are filled with unshed tears.
And all of a sudden – almost for the first time – I realize
that I will never see Sirius again, and the tears start falling.
He was all I had left, the only remainder of my “family”….
Once upon a time my friends were my family.
James, Sirius and… Peter. And Lily. Sweet, pretty Lily. She
loved James and Sirius with all her heart, no matter how angry she got, and she
was my friend. A good, true, friend.
I loved her.
The other Marauders were my best friends, we swore we’d
always be together, we would always be there for one another…but now I’m
sitting alone in a silent room, and I’m the only one left.
Peter is alive, but he’s no longer one of us. If it hadn’t
been for Peter…I wouldn’t have lost James and Lily. Harry would have had a
family. Sirius…no, I can’t think of Sirius.
But I am.
It all comes back to Voldemort in the end, all the death and
destruction and betrayal…and I know that I am only one of the many who have
lost loved ones at the hands of the Dark Lord and his followers, but tonight
that means nothing to me.
The only thing that exists is the emptiness in my heart.
Once I had four great friends, now I have no one.
Sweet Lily and arrogant, fearless James have been gone for
so long that sometimes I have trouble remembering the sound of their voices.
Peter is much worse than dead. I still have trouble
believing how he could have destroyed us.
And Sirius…now he’s gone also, and I’ll never hear him laugh
– or bark – again, I’ll never again argue with him or just talk about anything
and everything like we used to…he’s gone forever and I’m alone.
No, not alone. I have Harry. Harry needs me. He’s as lonely
as I am, maybe more. He’s never heard Lily’s laugh, or spoken with James.
Sirius was the closest he’s ever had to a parent, and he’s lost him as well.
I guess, in a way, I’m all he has left, the only remainder
of his family, the last link to his parents. I will try to take care of him in
place of the parents and guardians that no longer can…Harry will be good for
me; we can help each other over the rough spots.
We’re going to be all right.
But the emptiness still surrounds me in this silent room,
and I think it always will.