Author’s Note:
This is my take on the “firelegs report” mentioned in Chapter Seven of OotP.
Both Arthur and Kinglsey have great senses of humor, and I bet they couldn’t
resist having a bit of fun…Thanks to Zsenya for the beta.
June 24
To: Arthur Weasley, Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
From: Kingsley Shacklebolt, Auror Headquarters
Re: Sirius Black investigation
Mr. Weasley,
Information
has lead my department to believe that Sirius Black may be traced through the
purchase of certain Muggle items called firelegs. I will need a report
containing any and all information you have regarding these items, their
purchase, and relevant Muggle laws on my desk by the end of the week.
Kingsley Shacklebolt
June 26
To: Kingsley Shacklebolt,
Auror Headquarters
From: Arthur Weasley,
Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
Re: Your memo
Mr. Shacklebolt,
I am afraid that
I will be unable to prepare any reports for you this week. My own office is
terribly busy, and as I do not have the luxury of delegating my assignments to
members of other departments, I must see to that work myself. As it is, I may
have to work late and miss the wonderful roast that my wife is preparing
for dinner.
Arthur Weasley
June 27
To: Arthur Weasley,
Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
From: Kingsley
Shacklebolt, Auror Headquarters
Re: Delay
Mr. Weasley
By all
means, see to your own work. I should hate to impose upon your busy schedule to
aid in the capture of an escaped mass murderer. Nonetheless, I expect to see
that report on my desk in a week’s time. Pity that you had to miss the roast, I
am sure that it was very tender and juicy.
Kingsley Shacklebolt
July 4
To: Kingsley Shacklebolt,
Auror Headquarters
From: Arthur Weasley,
Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
Re: “Firelegs”
Mr. Shacklebolt,
After extensive
research, we at the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office have found no references
to firelegs, nor any evidence that such a thing exists. I respectfully suggest
that you look into tips from your informants before sending busy colleagues off
on wild pixie chases.
Athur Weasley
July 8
To: Arthur Weasley, Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
From: Kinglsey
Shacklebolt, Auror Headquarters
Re: Firearms
Clearly, I
meant firearms, not firelegs. An honest mistake on my part that should have
been caught by your office. I am not the expert on Muggle artifacts. I
respectfully suggest that your office be more thorough in researching requests
from departments that have limited knowledge of the Muggle world. I, myself,
have some difficulty getting around Muggle London and it often makes me late
for meetings.
Kingsley Shacklebolt
July 9
To: Kingsley Shacklebolt,
Auror Headqaurters
From: Arthur Weasley,
Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
Re: Your report
Mr. Shacklebolt,
Thank you for
clarifying your request. Now we will be able find the information you asked
for. This whole process could have been simplified if you had taken the time to
get us the correct information in the first place. You will receive a report
when we have finished our research.
Arthur Weasley
July 17
To: Arthur Weasley,
Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
From:
Kingsley Shacklebolt, Auror Headquarters
Re: Firearms
report
Mr. Weasley
Perhaps in
your department you are unused to working on a schedule, but I would like to
reiterate to you that this report is an urgent matter. I expect to see it on my
desk with no more lollygagging about.
Kingsley Shacklebolt
July 21
To: Kingsley Shacklebolt,
Auror Headquarters
From: Arthur Weasley,
Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
Re: Casting apersions
Mr. Shacklebolt
I do not
appreciate your tone. I most certainly do understand urgent matters, as I have
been out of the office most of the last week dealing with objects that pose an
IMMEDIATE THREAT to the Muggle population. Your report will be on your desk
when it is finished. There are two people in my department, and a great deal of
work to be done so I would recommend that you refrain from casting aspersions
on our working habits. I am so distressed at your insinuation that I probably
won’t even enjoy the strawberry rhubarb pie that my wife is making for
dessert tonight.
Arthur Weasley
July 24
To: Arthur Weasley,
Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office
From:
Kingsley Shacklebolt, Auror Headquarters
Re: Deadline
Mr. Weasley
Have that
report on my desk on Monday morning at the latest. My superiors are ready to
have my head over this information, and if I do not have it I am sure you can
imagine which direction my finger will be pointing. Believe me, no amount of
pie will improve things if they come down on you, no matter how unbelievably delicious
it is.
Kingsley Shacklebolt
July 28
To: Kingsley Shacklebolt
From: Arthur Weasley
Re: Completed
report
Mr. Shacklebolt
Attached you will
find a full report on firearms. If you need any further information, I suggest
that you assign the research to a junior member of your own department, as mine
is too busy at this time to pick up the slack for others. And, sir, I can
assure you that there is little in this world that my wife’e pie cannot fix.
Arthur Weasley
