The Sugar Quill
Author: Lilac  Story: Thick Bottomed Cauldrons  Chapter: Default
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Thick Bottomed Cauldrons

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls

~Dedicated to Percival~

(THE SCENE: Goblet of Fire. Percy is in his room, working on reports for the Ministry, when he is rudely interupted by a commotion on the stairs. He opens his door to give the noisemakers a piece of his mind. He sees four noisemakers: Ron, Harry, Hermione and Ginny.)

HARRY: "Hi, Percy."
PERCY: "Oh hello, Harry. I was wondering who was making all the noise. I'm trying to work in here, you know I've got a report to finish for the office - and it's rather difficult to concentrate when people keep thundering up and down the stairs."
RON (irritably): "We're not thundering. We're walking. Sorry if we've disturbed the top-secret workings of the Ministry of Magic."
HARRY: "What are you working on?"
PERCY (smugly): "A report for the Department of International Magical Cooperation. We're trying to standardize cauldron thickness. Some of these foreign imports are just a shade too thin - leakages have been increasing at a rate of almost three percent a year -"
RON: "That'll change the world, that report will. Front page of the Daily Prophet, I expect, cauldron leaks."
PERCY (heatedly): "You might sneer, Ron, but unless some sort of international law is imposed we might well find the market flooded with flimsy, shallow-bottomed products that seriously endanger -"
RON: "Yeah, yeah, all right." (Ron, et al, start going up the stairs again. Percy slams his bedroom door.)
PERCY (to himself): "The nerve! Don't these people realize that these reports are just the first step on the ladder that will lead me to power within the Ministry of Magic?"

(Feeling a bit heady with lust for power, he sees a very old broom propped up in the corner and grabs it. He suddenly feels a song coming on....)

Ah, I got to take reports home tonight,
Ah, and study them by my wand-light!
Ah, I'm gonna earn some of Crouch's clout!
Thick bottomed cauldrons help the Magic world go round!



I was just a skinny lad.
I was always good, not bad,
But there's power to be had at the Ministry - huh!
Perfect Prefect years five/six,
But to fully get my kicks,
Dumbledore had to make Head Boy out of me.




I've been working hard all day,
These reports won't let me play,
Standardizing cauldron thickness for my pay.
But I'd rather work on this
(They see me a tad "obsessed")
Than spend time with all those nutters like the twins.

Oh, charts and graphs to take home tonight!
Oh, I'll study them by candlelight!
Oh, and I'll give it all I've got
Thick bottomed cauldrons will make me a "Prefect Who Gained Power!"
Thick bottomed cauldrons will make me a "Prefect Who Gained Power!"

Hey, listen here...
Now this teeny, tiny home
Fills me with the urge to roam;
Ain't no brainy types in this locality (except for me).
But my job gives me this pleasure,
Crunching numbers for my treasure,
Making money climbing up at the Ministry.

Now get this...
Oh -- I know! -- more reports to read tonight -- Please!
Oh, down beside the dim firelight!
Oh, it just makes me want to shout,
"Thick bottomed cauldrons will make this Wizard go world-round!"
"Thick bottomed cauldrons will make this Wizard go world-round!"

Get on your brooms and fly!

(Percy totally rocks out, screeching many incoherent phrases about thick bottomed cauldrons, and "playing" the broom for all it's worth. He punctuates the last three beats of the song by slamming the broom hard on the floor, twigs flying everywhere. Seeing this mess in his otherwise pristine room, Percy seems to come back to his senses. He pushes his dangling glasses back on his sweaty nose, and takes a few moments to get his breathing under control. Feeling a bit sheepish at letting himself lose control, he quickly repairs the broom, then quietly gets back to work on his future.)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I really do like Percy -- really I do! I just think he needs to "sort out his priorities" a bit and not take himself so seriously. Oh, and reconcile with his family, the little stinker. Just poking a bit of fun here at his expense!

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