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Sabishii (Lonely)

Percy missed his family.

It was very difficult for him to ignore his father whenever they happened to pass each other in the hall at work. Daily, Percy wanted to find an excuse to talk to him and ask after his brothers and sister and mother. They probably all hated him by now, with good reason as he made sure to act like a complete prat whenever he chanced to encounter them. Still, he worried over them, daily resisting the temptation to do something as silly as cornering his father in the lavatory to find out the news of the family.

If observed, such an action would hardly lend itself to maintaining the carefully crafted appearance of loyalty to all things Ministry that Percy had been striving to create since his hiring. And one never knew when one was being observed. It had taken great effort for Percy to create his image and all that effort had worked. In spite of what had happened the previous year in that debacle with Mr. Crouch, Minister Fudge had promoted Percy to working directly with him. It was an incredible opportunity for him, the kind of opportunity he had been hoping for since he had graduated from Hogwarts. He just hoped that the results would be worth it.

Worth his mother's tears. Worth further estrangement from his siblings. Worth spending Christmas alone in his functional and empty apartment leaving only in the middle of the night, and then disguised, to sneak into St. Mungo's just to peek inside his father's room see for himself that he was all right. He had not dared to go when anyone might recognize him. That sort of action would have seemed too sympathetic for the image he had made.

The only communication that he had initiated with anyone in his family had been an unanswered letter to Ron. Not that Percy had expected an answer. Ron had most likely been furious when he read it. Percy had filled it with all sorts of pompous and arrogant comments and advice, all of which he knew Ron would ignore, in case it had been intercepted. The only important thing the letter contained (other than a few vague warning hints as to what the Ministry was planning for the school) was the fact that Percy was proud of him for his accomplishment. It was a very difficult balance that he had to achieve.

That balance had to be maintained every day as he kept up the appearance of being a good little worker bee, of approving and applauding the actions and opinions of Minister Fudge, of seeming properly subservient and respectful when the likes of Lucius Malfoy came around. It had to be maintained so that he could keep his position. He had to keep his position so that he would be there to take note of the dates, times, names, plans, and any other useful seeming information that could be passed on through many checkpoints and loyal carriers until it eventually reached the hands of Albus Dumbledore. If anyone around him suspected where his true loyalties lie, Percy would lose his position and Professor Dumbledore would be left without an informant so close to the center of the Ministry. So, he continued to bear witness to the actions of those around him so that the things they hid and covered up could eventually be found again.

It was hard and it hurt. Everyday, he wanted to return home and beg forgiveness of his parents and explain to them what he had been doing. He wanted them to understand that he never meant the harsh words and the cold shoulder he had shown them. But Percy knew that doing that was not possible. Yet…

Percy hoped that with the public declaration of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's return his position of informer would become obsolete. However, as of yet, that had not happened. There still was a great lack of trust on the part of the leadership of the Ministry. Until the two forces opposing the Dark could be joined, Percy had a job to do.

And so, Percy missed his family.

The end.

*~*~*~*~*

Author's notes: (Written on May 23, 2003.) I haven't written any stories for almost ten months so why did I write this now? Well, when I read Order of the Phoenix, I couldn't stand the way Percy was acting. It didn't fit with the Percy in my head. I needed a reason that he would act like that. So, this is my choice of an explanation. I will most likely be proven completely wrong in the next book or two but until then, this is what I think is going on. The title, ‘Sabishii’, is a Japanese word that means ‘lonely’ but also has the connotation of ‘sad’ which I felt reflected Percy’s feelings in the story.

I’d like to thank Seldes Katne for kindly beta-reading this story for posting on the Sugar Quill.