Harry Potter is the property of someone else. Go read her work, I
assure you that it’s much better than my fluffy tripe.
Hi, I'm Ron Weasley.
I'm Harry Potter.
And I have no idea why I'm here.
Welcome to the special commentary edition of "Of Contraceptives
Have you nothing better to do than read this drivel?
Shut up, Malfoy, no one asked you.
No, I was forced. It's apparently in my contract. I was barely even
in this. Which is reason alone to avoid it.
Damn damn damn damn… you get the point.
My point is, I
just kissed my friend. One of my best friends. In fact, it barely
qualified as a kiss. It was more of a snog. I just snogged my best
Potter, you cad.
How did I let this happen?
How could Ronald Weasley fall so far into idiocy ("It
wasn’t that far of a fall.")
I'm inclined to agree with the Weaslette here.
to do something so monumentally STUPID?
It started three days
I was walking down the hall to Potions.
Harry, the lucky prat, was injured from a deranged Quaffle
That did happen. They cut it out. I hate it when they cut out parts
where I'm hurt.
Me too. I love watching you get hurt.
things are dangerous; it was a Hufflepuff practice at the time), so I
was walking alone to my favourite class.
When I arrived
I saw the usual group of Slytherin idiots standing outside the door,
two of them doing something Hermione would no doubt disapprove of.
When I saw Hermione approach from behind them, I discovered that I
was right. ("For once.") Shut up, Ginny.
RON: I think one of them was Blaise Zabini. Hey Malfoy, just out of curiosity...
DRACO: Your guess is as good as mine.
she muttered. She’s pretty when she’s indignant, I
thought, to which I added, Don’t think that about friends.
I likely would have had a long, tedious mental argument, but Snape
chose that exact moment to let us in.
"Today, class, we
will be… separating," Snape said, as if disgusted about
something. Of course, there were Gryffindors in the room.
"Ladies, you will go with Professor McGonagall. Gentlemen…
you stay with me."
Just then, the door burst open, and
Harry rushed in and sat down next to Hermione and me. "Mr
Potter, you’re-" Snape looked up at the clock to decide
just how many points to remove from our house-"right on time.
Damn." At that point, McGonagall arrived in the door to escort
the girls to wherever they were going, and in the confusion I got to
ask Harry what the bloody hell he was doing there when he could be…
anywhere but there.
"Madame Pomfrey told me to rush down
here. She said that I would want to see this Potions lesson,"
Harry explained, rubbing his injured arm slightly. "I wonder
what would be so important that she would send me away. Normally I
have to beg to be released."
"Everyone kindly shut
their mouths and turn their attentions to me," Snape said in his
voice normally reserved for talking to Harry, Hermione, or me. "Now,
this is not something I was hoping to ever have to teach, but
apparently Headmaster Dumbledore finds me to be a better instructor
in this subject than Professor Flitwick." As he was talking, he
started handing out thin little textbooks. "You will need
There was supposed to be a scene where we get to see Snape losing the
coin toss against Flitwick.
It got deleted. It apparently detracted from the story
What little of it there is to detract from.
He went back
to the front of the class and wrote in glowing letters with his wand
"Contraceptive Potion." This caused a wave of giggles and
red faces in the room. Ginny, stop laughing.
turn to page seventeen and copy the ingredients as precisely as
humanly possible. There will be a test on this, as I don’t
think some of you should reproduce any time soon." He glared
pointedly at Neville and went on. "As some of more intelligent
students here have figured out, your female classmates are taking
similar lessons from Professor McGonagall. Do not let this influence
We were shocked by the emphasis he put on
it. "Birth control potions for women are sporadically effective
at best. And for those of you with more intelligent girlfriends-"
here he glared at me for some reason-"don’t think you can
get by on their skills alone. The potion only works if you
make it. Never EVER forget this." His eyes seemed to say, "Or
else you might end up like Weasley’s family." ("Idiot.")
I have reason to believe he's relied on a girlfriend. Hey, Malfoy,
your mum was in Snape's year, and you're about old enough...
Don't make me kill you, Weasley.
there’s no truly effective way to see if you’ve done the
potion right except by listening for the pitter-patter of little
feet." I doubt I’ll ever know just how he could make that
sound so sinister. "However, the potions are orange, and one can
usually tell by taste if it worked. It’s disgusting. Truly, if
the female equivalent is any worse, it’s a wonder there aren’t
more of you.
"By now, even the slowest of you should
have had enough time to copy down the necessary ingredients and
instructions, so you may start." He stormed around the room,
glaring at each of us in turn. I think he thought our presence forced
him to teach this evil subject.
"Each ingredient is
extremely important," he went on, "and even one missing can
have dire consequences. Never forget to add the Spanish Fly. It
counteracts certain… side-effects the potion itself can have."
He was almost blushing when he said that. Harry looked about to
explode with laughter when he realised that Snape was probably
speaking from experience. I had to cough to cover mine. I’ll
continue after you’re done laughing.
That is quite possibly the worst mental image I've ever experienced
in my entire life.
It will haunt my nightmares forever.
I put more effort
into that potion than any other I’ve done yet. It’s not
as if Snape has had anything important to teach yet anyway. The swamp
water, the rabbit skin, the Spanish Fly (Neville almost forgot his)…
it was the perfect potion. It was what perfect potions aspired to be.
It was something that lived in a potion’s wildest dreams…
I’ll just go on then, shall I?
I had no idea you were such a Potions enthusiast, Weasley. When will
you and Snape be announcing your engagement?
Shut up, Malfoy.
You're registered at the apothecary, I trust?
Shut up, Malfoy!
By the end of class,
everyone’s potion was bubbling with an orange liquid, even
Neville’s. Even the Slytherins had found the lesson important
enough to avoid goofing it up.
I resent that tone of voice.
"Very good… nice…
sufficient… not bad, Longbottom. Better than I’m used to
from you, anyway… excellent, Mr Malfoy…"
That was the last part featuring yours truly. Feel free to stop
Snape walked up and down the room assessing the potions. "Looks
like I won’t be forced to teach any more Weasleys or Grangers
"What did he mean by that?"
I whispered to Harry. He just shook his head and turned away. Kind of
like what you’re doing now.
And what I'm doing now.
I'm not stupid, I'm just written that way.
your potions had better results than I’ve come to expect from
most of you. I suppose that indicates your hormones are the
controlling parts of you," Snape said coldly. "I won’t
require you to test it until the time comes when you’ll need to
test it. Rest assured, if any of you have offspring before you leave
school, you shall not pass Potions. Store your Contraceptive Potions
and get out of my sight."
There was a small amount to
store, so we used tiny vials. I actually have mine with me. No, you
don’t get to see it.
So then, the Weasleycest rumours are true?
One more word, Malfoy, and--what rumours?
We met Hermione
at lunch. She was blushing profusely when she saw us, and I can’t
imagine we were looking any less red. She’s cute when she’s
embarrassed, I thought. Stop thinking that way!
Potter, care to join me in gagging?
For once, Malfoy, I'm inclined to agree with you.
Both of you can go to Hell.
We ate in somewhat awkward
silence, waiting for one of us to say something. It was Hermione who
broke the silence. "So, how was class?" Wrong topic,
Hermione, I thought.
"Oh, fun. We got to learn about
horrible tasting potions and Snape’s erectile dysfunction,"
I replied. Harry coughed and nearly spat out his food while Hermione
looked like a radish. Cute, I thought again. Stop it.
Oh, Lord, the image of a nude and dysfunctional Snape is back.
"Well, that was an image I could have done
without," Harry said, pushing his plate away. Hermione and I
followed suit. "Of course, the girl he took the potion for
probably said the same thing."
"Eww. I don’t
want to think about a girl that would do that with
"Can we please find a different topic of
conversation?!" Hermione exclaimed. "How did you do with
"Everyone’s was fine. Even
Neville’s. He couldn’t even find fault with ours,"
Harry told her.
"Really? That’s great. Professor
McGonagall told us that the potion works a lot better for men than it
does women," Hermione said. "She said it was because a
truly effective potion would have to be crafted to the cycles of that
particular woman, and these are just general."
I said sarcastically. I held up my vial of orange potion. "I
can’t believe this won’t work if I’m not the one to
carrying yours around with you?"
if you break it? You’d be in a spot then, wouldn’t
"Well even if I did, it’s not as if I’m
planning on shagging anyone any time soon!"
You've got that--SHUT UP!
"That’s not the
"Well what is the point?"
had been watching us with an odd look on his face. In my opinion,
that had hardly qualified as a fight. Far less than what we’re
used to. He looked like he was remembering something important.
Just then, Snape’s words came rushing back to me.
"Looks like I won’t be forced to teach any more
Weasleys or Grangers anytime soon…"
saying that Hermione and I were… but we hadn’t…He
thought that I was in love with her. I looked over at her, with her
arms folded and her nose turned up and I realised something. He was
I’d fallen for one of my best friends.
Kidding. To be continued. In case you hadn’t figured
it out, Ron is addressing all this to Ginny. You’ll find out
why later. All of the bold italicised print is Ginny talking. Except
this. And the disclaimer. That’s me talking.
And the italics. That's the special commentary talking.
Yes, I'm sure they wouldn't have figured that out. Idiot.