22 May, 1980
You kicked me yesterday. Youíre probably thinking thatís no way to begin a letter, but I wanted to get it out on the table. I assure you the attack was unprovoked, although Prongsíll probably say I shouldíve kept my hands off his wifeís belly. But you kicked your mum, too, so heís just havering. Anyway, your mum said it was all right, and Moony was there, so
Moony says Iíll just confuse you talking (writing?) like this. Anyway, donít worry about the kick. Didnít leave a mark, although youíre pretty strong for a -2 month-old. When youíre older Iíll teach you how to really kick. But practise on Prongs, all right? (Prongs is your dad, by the way. Iíll tell you why heís called that later, too. And Moony. And Wormtail and Padfoot <-- me.)
So, maybe youíre wondering who I am. Well, if you havenít flipped to the end of this and looked, Iím your godfather. Iím the guy you come to when your parents are being unreasonable. Iím the guy whoís going to sneak you sweets when your mum says youíre not allowed and whoíll let you stay up late when your parents are out and whoíll just generally spoil you rotten. Iím the one youíre going to grow up thinking is really cool. Then one day youíll grow up and realise--you were right about me all along. (Moony says Iím the one havering now. He says that, but heís going to be as bad as I am when it comes to spoiling you. Heís the chocoholic, after all!) Iíll even take you for rides on the Triumph, but youíre going to have to wear a helmet.
Anyway, I think thatís what godfathers are supposed to do. I never had one. Come to it, I didnít have much of a father or--well. I wonít tell you about my childhood now. Donít want to give you nightmares.
Moony says the quill scratching and the light is keeping him up, so Iíll write more of this tomorrow. Night, mate.
At headquarters now, taking a wee breaky. Canít tell you where HQ is or what Iím doing here in case this letter falls into the wrong hands (doesnít that sound exciting?) but Iíll tell you all about it in person when youíre older cause by then (we all hope) this whole thing will be over.
Got a picture on my desk here. Itís of us--me, Moony, Wormtail, and your folks at your folksí wedding. First time in my whole life I saw your dad with his hair lying flat. (Actually, he used to muss it on purpose, so itíd look all windblown like heíd just gotten done playing Quidditch or something. Always trying to impress Lily, he was. And Moony--Remus, I should say--calls me a berk. Ha. Worked, though, didnít it? I mean, she married the git. Looks happy in this picture, too. Lily, I mean. Well, we all do. Actually, no-- James keeps frowning cause heís trying to look all dignified. Remus is trying not to cry! You can so tell! Ah, I need to show you this!)
I wonder who youíll look like. Your mum if youíre lucky, although if you got your dadís hair that wouldnít be too bad. The colour, at least. Black is a very cool colour, in my humble opinion!
Will you like Quidditch? What a question! Of course you will. And youíll support the right team, of course. Your dad and Iíll make sure of that! Weíll teach you to fly, though, get you started right early so you can play for your house team (Gryffindor, of course) as soon as youíre old enough. (If you wind up in Slytherin weíll disown you. Just kidding--but only because youíd never wind up there.) Your dad played Chaser. He was one of the best Chasers Gídor ever had. Even McGonagall (strict old bird, teaches Transfiguration) let him get away with stuff. (She has a soft spot for Quidditch players, McGonagall! A thing to remember!) Me, I played Beater. Got my nose broken seven times, though of course it doesnít show. Beaters are extremely important. (Prongs, whoís here and says Ďhií also says that all the positions are extremely important.) I wonder which position youíll play.
Wish I could tell you what Iím doing. I guess by the time youíre old enough to understand itíll all be over, right?
Huh. Moody was just here asking me what I was doing, like he thinks I was telling secrets or something. Heís a cool guy, Mad-Eye Moody, but heís a littleÖuncanny. He doesnít read over your shoulder. He reads through it. Youíll have to meet him--if thereís anything left of him by the time youíre older. Ah, heís right. Should get to work. Later, mate.
At home again. Just realised weíll have to baby proof this place--the Lair, Lils calls it. All right, it is a tad Lair-like. My fault, I suppose. Moonyís the neat one. I just made a mental list of a dozen things you could potentially choke on in this one room. Merlin, youíd think we were the ones sprogged up! A truly bizarre thought, no offence, mate.
Moony just got home, too. I read him what I wrote so far. He gave me this look (youíll know what I mean by the time youíre old enough to make any sense of this) and said that if Iím going to be longwinded I ought to at least clarify a few things, especially about Moony and me (and Prongs and Wormtail, I guess). But I donít think Iím going to. My feeling is, if you grow up with an idea in your head itís pretty hard to dislodge it. So youíre going to grow up knowing all this is normal (well, comparatively). Actually, come to think of it, thereís a few ideas my folks tried to hammer into me since birth that never quite caught on. So maybe Moony has a pointÖ Damn, I am being longwinded. I promise Iím very cool! Sorry this is rather a crap letter. Well, by the time you read it youíll know all about me, so you wonít care, will you?
Iím quite excited thinking about all the fun things weíre going to do on weekends when we whisk you away from J & L. Iím thinking camping. Maybe Muggle-style, maybe not. How about a weekend up in Hogsmeade? Lily will throw a fit, but weíll load you down with stuff from Zonkoís and Honeydukes. Weíll tell you the secret of the Shrieking Shack, but of course you wonít be allowed to tell anyone else. Quidditch matches, of course. Thatís already decided.
Making dinner, now. Isnít it great how you can make pancakes and write a letter to your godson simultaneously? The joys of magic. What in the world do Muggles do? I never really appreciated it until I somehow managed to snap my wrist in a place where healers werenít readily available. Can you imagine having to concentrate on only one thing at a time? Horrible situation. Take good care of your limbs!
Which reminds me I should be giving you sage advice on the off-chance Iím not-- Nah, never mind that. Maybe one day (maybe in History of Magic unless Binns is still teaching it!) youíll read about these times or hear about them from one of us and youíll think, ĎHow did they live through all that?í We just did. I mean, we do. Just, every day.
Okay, sage advice time.
- Take good care of your limbs. (Thought Iíd reiterate, as itís a fairly important one.)
- The entrance to the Hogwarts kitchens is behind the picture of the giant bowl of fruit near the entrance to the Hufflepuff rooms. Tickle the pear. Ask for Orri.
- The vast majority of people believe what theyíre told, especially about other people. Sometimes theyíre right, but sometimes itís a good a idea to find out for yourself.
- If you love someone, never betray their trust, no matter what.
- And if you are a complete berk and do wind up betraying them--donít be stupid about it. Grovel.
- Itís worth befriending a prefect (or being one, Moony would say) to use the prefectsí bathroom. It has a diving board! (Moaning Myrtle liked to spy on me, though.)
- Never try to hoodwink a goblin. Never, never, never.
- Good marks are important, but you are only young once!
- Rubeus Hagrid is a cool guy.
- Never forget who owes you money.
- If Mundungus Fletcher tries to give you anything, make sure itís not contraband, first.
- Maintain constant vigilance! (Thought Iíd throw that one in for Mad-Eye.)
- Sometimes families are great (yours will be) and sometimes theyíre not. Friends are vital. Know who your friends are and stand by them. No matter what. There are five people Iíd die for: your dad, your mum, Remus, Peter, and you, mate. If I died for any one of you Iíd consider my life to have been worthwhile.
- It takes about 20 pints of butterbeer to get a Padfoot-sized man drunk. Just so you know.
- If you ever need anything--whatever it may be--you can always come to me or Remus or Peter. But come to me first, cause Iím your godfather! Except if I do something stupid--as Iíve been known to do from time to time. Then go to Remus, since he knows how to deal with me best. And heís very wise. Heís giving me that look again.
Thatís all I can think of at the moment, and anyway, Moony says I should pay attention while I eat (sorry about the syrup stains) so Iíll close here. I canít wait to meet you and see how you turn out. Iím (well, all of us) are trying to make the world a better place for you. Itís hard, but weíre doing our best. See you in two months!
PS. I love you!
8 July, 1996
Dear Professor Lupin,
Thank you for sending the letter. I hadnít realised how close you were. I always thought he and my dad were like brothers, but I guess my dad didnít have much time for him after he married my mum. I wish Iíd known. Well, thereís a lot I wish Iíd known.
Iím doing all right. I mean, things are pretty much the same except the Muggles stay out of my way except when they remember theyíre supposed to be being nice to me. They all keep looking over their shoulders whenever they talk to me, like they think someoneís listening. I think my uncle has nightmares about Mad-Eye Moody.
I wish youíd read this letter (I mean his) a long time ago. It might have changed things a lot.
Thanks again for what you and the others did last month. Talking to the Dursleys, I mean. I appreciate it.
PS. You must miss him a lot. Iím so sorry.
10 July, 1996
First of all you are not to apologise. A few people are to blame for what happened, myself included, but you are not one of them. You acted out of love, and you can not be faulted for that.
Secondly, I wish I could say that the reason I never read his letter to you was that I could never in good conscience have read a letter intended for someone else. As much as I wanted to understand his thoughts at that time, I could not make myself pry. Perhaps, as you say, I should have. In truth I was afraid of what Iíd find.
Yes, we were very close. Iím not sure what he might have told you. I never replaced James for him. (No, James never abandoned him after he married Lily. They didnít spend as much time together as they had as boys, but they were always brothers.) Our relationship was somewhat different. I wish weíd told you. Weíd meant to, but things kept coming up.
Thereís a lot I wish weíd told you.
Itís difficult for me to talk about him. It always has been. But Iíll try to talk to you about him, and your parents, any time you want. Just say the word.
Tell me how your family continues to treat you. We should have spoken to them far earlier. We didnít know. Iím so sorry for that.
I donít know what he wrote in that letter, but he was besotted with you, Harry. From the moment Lily became pregnant you were foremost in his heart. He used to tell me he never intended to have a child of his own, that you were enough. Everything he did the last three years of his life was out of love for you. And yes, that is you and not James. Being in that house confused him a little, as did the fact that he never really had a chance to mourn James, but in his heart he knew the difference.
I canít replace him and I donít intend to try, but I shall try to do what I think he and James and Lily would have wanted me to do, and that is be there for you. Iíll say it again: any time you need to talk to an adult, or simply someone who knew your parents and godfather, just send word. We can meet at Arabella Figgís house.
PS. I am no longer your teacher, so there is no need for you to call me professor or even Mr Lupin. Please call me Remus. Thatís another thing I should have said a long time ago.
20 July, 1996
You wrote me that letter before I was really alive, so I guess itís somewhat fitting I answer it now that you no longer are.
Iím so sorry.
Dumbledore and Remus (he said to call him that) say itís not my fault, but I was one of the five people you said youíd die for and I was the only one stupid enough to get myself into that kind of danger.
I wish Iíd known.
I wish Iíd known.
I would have liked living with you.
I canít write this.
21 July, 1996
I feel like I owe you a reply, even though youíll never read it. I donít really know where to begin.
Iím sorry I kicked you. Howís that for a start? Itís not true, though. Iím glad I kicked you. I wish Iíd kicked harder. I wish Iíd kicked you so hard your ribs got smashed and the splinters tore up your insides. That would be fair, I think.
Thatís not true, either.
22 July, 1996
I guess you know the answers to most of the questions you asked. (By the way, I got the letter from Remus, in case you were wondering. He said he found it in a box in his attic and figured he might as well send it. I wish heíd read it years ago. It might have helped get you out of Azkaban. Maybe. I donít know. The Wizengamot seems prettyÖnot very understanding. I can see Fudge tossing your letter in the fire. The Wizengamot doesnít make mistakes, heíd say. But maybeÖ Oh, it doesnít matter, now.) Iíll just answer your questions.
Everyone says I look like my dad, but that I have my mumís eyes. (Yes, black is a cool colour, I suppose, but it kind of makes me stand out. Sometimes I wish it were plain brown. Sometimes I wish my eyes were just plain brown, too, and that I didnít have this scar. If Voldemort had to mark me, did he have to mark me for everyone to see? I wish everything about me were just plain and boring and ordinary.)
I play Seeker for Gryffindor. (Do I fly as well as my dad did? You never said.) I donít really have a favourite Quidditch team. I didnít even know about it until I was eleven. Ron would probably like me to say the Chudley Cannons are my favourites, but Iíve never seen them play and they donít seem to be doing too well these days, so Iím not all that keen on the Cannons. Ron would probably not like me to say anything nice about Bulgaria--or maybe itís just Viktor Krum heís not keen on. It was incredible watching him (Krum) play at the World Cup two summers ago. Ireland was very good, too, though. I donít know. I donít have a favourite. I feel rather stupid asking you a question, but which team did you like best? You never told me.
You had more Quidditch injuries than me, but I think mine were worse. I fell off my broom once (you saw me do it--it was at that game against Hufflepuff when the Dementors came onto the pitch). I fell about fifty feet. I didn't get hurt from that because (someone told me) Dumbledore slowed me down while I was falling. But I'd passed out from all the Dementors being there, and I was pretty sick after. The year before that, a charmed bludger broke my arm and the DADA prof (a real git) disappeared all the bones and Madam Pomfrey had to grow them back. (She did her nut, too.) That was pretty horrible.
I was scared of you the first two times I saw you as a dog. (I just remembered that because I was writing about that game against Hufflepuff.) I thought you were the Grim. Do you know what that is? Itís a death omen. I thought seeing you was a sign I was going to die. I mean, a knife wielding nutter was after me, right? I was so stupid. I donít even believe in omens, really. Who could after one of Professor Trelawneyís classes? Also, since when have dogs ever been bad? Besides Aunt Margeís bulldogs, of course! In the wizarding world. Well, I guess I only know two dogs that belong to wizards, Fang and Fluffy (both Hagrid's, go figure). Fangís nice and Fluffy of course bit Snape once. He deserves a medal for that, donít you think?
I think supperís ready. It smells all right, whatever it is. Iíll be back.
Back. Brought my supper up here. No one objected. I know what you mean about families being pretty awful sometimes. Yours was worse, though. Not much competition there. Iíd run away, too, if I thought anyone would let me. How dumb is that? If I didnít have Voldemort after me and all. I kind of wish you could tell me what my aunt was like when she was a girl. Did you know her at all? Was she always this bad? I mean, sheís my mumís sister. But your brother was a Death Eater and your parents were horrible and you came out all right. I wish I could ask you more about my dad, too. When did he stop being such a jerk? Everyone except Snape always said nice things about him. Were they just trying to be nice to me? I could ask Remus, I suppose (I keep wanting to say Professor Lupin, but Iím trying to remember) but you and my dad were closer.
Iíll ask Remus about you some day. Thereís a lot I want to know. You loved each other, didnít you? Iím sorry if thatís a really bad question, but in your letter it seemedÖ You seemed very close. And Remus said he and you had a different relationship from you and my dad. I want to ask him, but I donít know how. Would it be rude? Would it hurt him too much? It doesnít bother me at all. I mean, I had to think about what you wrote before it hit me, but Iím all right with it. I wanted you to know. I donít know how to talk to Remus about it.
I donít know what Iím going to do with this letter when I finish it. I donít really want to finish it. (Now whoís longwinded?) I could tear it up, but I donít really want to do that, either. If I gave it to Hedwig and told her to deliver it to you, what would she do? Would she go looking for you everywhere or would she know? If I snuck into the Department of Mysteries again and slipped it under the veil, would you find it? Or if I just sat there and read it, would you hear? Luna Lovegood (sheís this Ravenclaw girl who went with us to rescue you) told me the dead are behind the veil. (How did you die exactly? I donít even know! Did it hurt? Where did you go?) I heard voices from behind it when I was there. Are you there now? Is there anywhere in the world I can go where you can hear me?
Iím sorry. This is getting stupid. I donít know what else to say to you.
Oh, I saw you charmed the PS on your letter. It changes when I say different things. When I said ĎI hate youí it changed to ĎI guess I can be a bit of a prat sometimes. Whatever I did or said, Iím sorry. Letís talk.í For a second when it did that I thought-- Never mind. I was angry, thatís all. When I said I was sorry it said not to apologise and when I said something else it said Ďgood.í
So you loved me. You didnít even know me. I wonder if youíd have said that if youíd known it would be my fault you couldnít get your sentence overturned and my fault you died.
I would have liked living with you. Maybe not in Grimmauld Place, but we could have gone somewhere else, couldnít we? I mean, I wouldnít really have cared. Anything would have been fine.
I canít think about Ron or Hermione or any of my other friends right now.
Itís not fair.
That house was like Azkaban again, wasnít it? I guess I can see why you wouldnít fear death. Still, I canít help wishing you had.
Thereís a lot I wish.
Itís almost midnight now. I donít really want to finish this letter, but I suppose I can always write another. It doesnít really matter, does it?
I understand what you and Remus and my parents were trying to do, if that means anything. Itís up to me to finish the job. Did you know that? Thatís what the stupid prophecy was about. I canít think about that right now, either.
You said that if you died for me youíd consider your life worthwhile. You didnít die for me. You died because of me. So I guess itís up to me to make everything you did worthwhile. Iíll try my best. Like you did.
PS. I hate you.
PPS. Thatís a lie, too. I donít hate you. Iím sorry I said that. But how could you have been so stupid? What were you thinking? Probably the same stupid things I was thinking when I thought you were in danger.
PPPS. I want you back more than Iíve ever wanted anything. I donít care if thatís selfish.
PPPPS. I love you. The words arenít charmed. They wonít change.