A brief glimpse into
Lily’s mind as she silently speaks to James. It’s not very happy ‘cause it’s
not a happy situation…
The story is set some time
before Harry is born, in the midst of the war against Voldemort. I wondered
what Lily’s thoughts would be.
The characters belong to
Joann Kathleen. The song is The Corrs’ “Breathless”.
Thanks to Zsenya in
Oh, in case you’re
wondering how Lily knows the sex of her baby…see the disclaimer of Ch2 of
“Secret-Keeper”. To make it short, I’m writing her as a very slight Seer.
Harry talks of the old
OoTP as not knowing what was going to happen to them, but they must have known
that they were living on borrowed time…
The daylight’s fading
But time with you is
I’m waiting for you only
The slightest touch and I
I look at you and I am happy, peaceful, and secure in my
love for you and yours for me.
I look at you and see tenderness and trust shining in your
eyes and I know that everything is all right because we are here, together.
I take your hand, you touch my hair. You are mine and I am
There is no one else and nothing else. Just the two of us.
I look at you and I am breathless.
And for a moment everything is perfect.
Then the moment passes, just as every such moment has and
will. I feel suddenly cold and I look away, hoping you won’t see the tears in
And I am afraid.
I am afraid because I know that all this – our happiness,
our love, our life – may be taken away at any moment. Perhaps today, perhaps
tomorrow, perhaps next year, perhaps never.
I am afraid because at any moment I might find myself alone,
I am afraid because I don’t know what our future will be
like, and if we will have a future at all.
And I don’t want to die. I am not afraid of death; I am just
not ready for it. But I would rather die than lose you. Because your love is
all I have, all I want, all I need.
I am afraid because every morning I wake up and don’t know
how many of my friends have died during the night.
I am afraid every time you leave the house because I know
that you might never return.
I lie awake in the dark and wonder why all this has to be.
And then you kiss my cheek and I feel safe. But just for a moment.
I am afraid because the child that stirs within me – our
child – may never have a chance to live. I am afraid because I cannot promise
him safety and happiness and protection for all his life, as a mother should.
I can only give him my love, all my love, because he is
mine. Ours. Our baby.
I look at you and see my own fears mirrored in your eyes;
not fear for yourself but for me, for our child, for our friends. For our life
and our tomorrow.
And every day I ask myself not what tomorrow will bring,
because I know that whatever comes, we will meet it with our heads high, but
will there be a tomorrow? Will we be able to wake up and feel the sun, or smell
We are living each moment as if it were our last, because in
fact it might be, and I know that what I fear is not death, is not fighting,
and is not danger. Because all these are burdens I have to carry, and I am
strong enough for that.
I am afraid of losing you, afraid for the life within me
that deserves to know only joy and love, for everyone and everything that is in
danger, and especially for laughter and hope. Laughter and hope, which used to
color every day but seem so far away now. Whatever else we do, we must bring
laughter back to the world. For our son, if it is too late for ourselves.
Then I look at you again and my heart lifts, because I
realize suddenly that it doesn’t matter what happens tomorrow – if there is a
tomorrow; all that matters is here and now, you and me.
And here and now…I am happy, because we are together, and
you are holding my hand, and I know that you will never let go, and that our
strength lies in our love.
You hold my hand, I touch your cheek. I feel our child stir.
You are me and I am you, and there is nothing else. And
there is nothing else I need. Only you.
And you are what I have, here and now. And I am happy,
because I forget about tomorrow.
And if there’s no tomorrow
And all we have is here
I’m happy just to have you
You’re all the love I need