Marauders’ Fandom Nightmare
evil twins ( AKA Gryffinjack and Pelirroja ) would like to thank the beta crew
of Durayan, Seriously Sirius, and The Good Doctor Monaco. Without them, this would still be
only a chat transcript.
It was to be the bestest Yule Ball eva, yo! While the DJ was setting up on the
staff table, the American exchange students from Salem Academy all volunteered to help set up the
room. The boys were all busy pushing the main tables back against the walls.
Meanwhile, the girls reported to the beautiful Head Girl with the stunning
emerald eyes, Lily Evans, for their jobs.
“Okay, Kathi, Tiffani and Kelli, I need you to take these punch bowls over to
the main table. Jennifer, Amber and Staci, I need you to do streamers until Remus
and Sirius get here,” Lily ordered.
“We’re in da house, Lils,” shouted the Marauders, as they hopped out from under
James' Invisibility Cloak.
“Stop calling me ‘Lils’!” cried Lily as she brushed back some of her shiny,
six-foot-long pomegranate hair.
“We were just checking out the new kids!” sniggered Peter.
“That Kathi is soooooo hot!” growled Sirius, “I can feel my leather pants
"Yo bud, take a cold shower. You don't want to chaff anything. Black
leather is hot, but it needs to be broken in slowly," advised James,
slapping Sirius on the back.
“Yeah, you think every bird is a hottie,” added Remus, “Or should I say a hot
There is a sudden halt in the action. It seems that the fan fic writer,
13-year-old Mandi Stevenson, has gone off to the kitchen for a cereal bar and a
yogurt. All the characters stop and take a break. The Sues and Stus just freeze
in place because they have never done a Marauders’ fic before. They are used to
snogging Harry, Ron and Hermione; so, they are a bit clueless without them.
“’Bird?” asked James in surprise. “That’s a new one. Dude, since when do we
talk like that?”
“I know. It’s hard to keep up with all the new lingo since these fangirls
started writing fics, Prongster,” said Remus.
“Well anyway, it’s about time you four got here,” said Lily, kicking off her
matching pink stilettos and rubbing her tired feet through her fishnet
stockings. “These Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus can’t do everything despite what this
Lily’s ample breasts heaved in her fuchsia crop top as she sighed.
"Well our costumes are typical," said Remus with a note of Snape-ish
sarcasm in his voice. "Sirius is wearing enough leather to make any
S&M freak swoon. Peter is in mismatching sweats. James is the Abercrombie
poster boy. And what do I get? Oh yes, the bookworm special- worn out button
down oxford, tan corduroy pants, jacket with patches on the elbows, loafers,
and some sort of plastic pocket protector. I mean it's the 70's, and there is a
decided lack of polyester and long hair in this room!"
"Yo, Wolfie, are you trying to tell me you want to wear polyester? Cause
we are just a stone's throw away from powder blue leisure suits here,"
retorted Peter rolling his eyes. "I'll keep my sweat pants; at least they
"Careful what you wish for there, Remus. I kept hoping for more stylish
clothes and now I look like a Britney Spears wannabe. Plus, does no one realize
that redheads look awful in pink?!" said Lily in a raspy voice.
“Lilsy, babe, why are you whispering?” asked James, as he tried to slip her the
tongue. His eyes were darting between the Bebe crop top and the Hot Topic
low-rise pants that were a gift from the exchange students.
“Check out the happy trail!” giggled Peter, drooling as he poked James in the
Lily just pushed James away. “Why am I whispering? How insensitive can you
be?!! YOU DOLT, YOU IGNORANT GIT, YOU OVERGROWN TOAD…”
“Whoa, babe,” said James, shaking Lily, “Snap out of it! Don’t let fandom take
over; don’t go all Exorcist on me.”
Sirius interrupted, “From the looks of it, we’re in another Yule Ball fic.
There won’t be any yelling for at least another six pages when Jimbo here is
either going to snog another girl, toss Snivellus into the punch, or spill
something on that knockout sexy top of yours with the perfect cleavage.”
“Thanks, Sirius, you’re right. Ever since OotP came out, I’ve been in major
rewrites. I’ve been paused forever in some fics in mid yell. All I ever do is
scream at you guys these days. Weird how I went from screwing to screaming in
the flash of a Pensieve.”
“Yeah, infuriating isn’t it!” said Remus. “You used to be one of us.”
“Yeah!” Peter added, his eyes still roaming for the buffet table, “Lils was the
Lily sighed, “Yes, but that’s another thing about fandom, my animagus
unicorn/doe/antelope form was taken away from me, what ever will I do now?”
James looked startled. “Say” he said, a sudden gleam in his eye. “Was it you
that was doing some shady things with a deer last month?”
“Yes, Lily. Tell us about your adventure with the deer.” Said Sirius with a
“Prongs! Messing around with strange unicorns unprotected! Have you thought of
the consequences?” Scolded Remus.
“Duuuude! You must have been totally horny!” Peter said, pushing the pun as
James looked abashed. “Well no, err, well, I” he stammered, before adding
smoothly “I guess Tiger Lily can’t resist me”
Lily, who had been daydreaming, almost choked on her watermelon bubble gum.
“These animagus changes have me so confused!”
“Dude! You think you’re confused?” said Remus, butting in. “Try my so-called
fandom life. I have no idea who I am supposed to shag first! Every single
female left standing from the first war has been shipped with me! And let me
tell you the big V seems to have killed off a surprising number of females. And
if that’s not bad enough, these fan fic writers ship me with every available
bloke, too. Some of these ships are hella frightening! You should see who they
have me shagging! Well, actually, I’d rather you didn’t. But honestly, can’t
they think of anything better than to have me shag Snivellus or Sirius?” Remus
shuddered at the thought.
“Get real Remus, I wish I had your problems! I never get to have any fun and
the sexual tension is killing me!” grumbled Peter.
“If you want Snivellus, you’re welcome to him! As for the women, you have no
idea, Peter. No one screws around with me because they think I’m sexy; they all
feel sorry for me. They all feel that they need to help me with my deep seeded
angst and want to prove to me that I am really loveable. Then of course, there
is that whole "mated for life crap." I’ve shagged everyone but the
giant squid and I’m starting to feel like the world's most experienced vestal
"You've more than been around the block," laughed James, "You've
cruised the whole damn neighborhood!"
"Yeah, pretty difficult cruising, too, considering that most fics have me
terrified of broom travel." Remus was red in the face and practically
screaming in frustration now, "THE LIST OF PEOPLE WHO ARE HELPING ME WITH
MY WOUNDED SOUL GOES ON FOREVER: SIRIUS, HESTIA, EMMELINE, DOBBY, TONKS...AND
LET ME TELL YOU, I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO DO SOME SERIOUSLY INSANE THINGS WITH
"Whoa, Remus! What's with all the screaming? You're not allowed to scream
unless you're turning into wolf-boy. You're always the silent, control freak
who shows no emotions, remember?" said Lily, walking over to him.
"I'm sorry. It just got to be too much for me for a second
there…"Remus sobbed, unable to continue.
"It's OK, baby let it all out!" said Lily taking him into her open
arms. Remus then leaned down to her with a gentle, light, chaste, tentative,
unsure, hesitant, kiss which soon deepened into a wild, passionate, deep
"Yo! Paws off my girl, Fleabag!" snarled James, pulling them apart.
"Oh God! What am I doing? Sorry, Prongster. See what I mean? I can't help
myself; the primal urges kick into high gear. It is seriously weird."
“Seriously weird? Didn’t happen get any ideas about doing Lily on a motorbike,
did you?” snickered Peter.
“Shut up, Rodent Breath,” said James. “Back to your rant. What exactly have you
been doing with Super Stud's uniquely talented cousin, Moonboy?”
“Do the words ‘transformation’ and ‘doggy-style’ mean anything to you?!” asked
“I see no problem, Remus. Bring Tonks and the crew with you the next time we
get together,” replied Sirius with a wink and a growl as he gyrated his hips in
“Seriously, Sirius, can’t you teach Moondoggie how to handle all this sexual
tension?” asked Peter, laughing at his own joke.
“I'm amazed I even got here on time,” said Remus. “I was actually having an
ultra-angsty conversation with Harry about how he blames himself over this veil
thing with Sirius. Then Hestia walked in and I started snogging her senseless.”
“Whoa there buddy, wait a tick,” said James, confused. “You dropped Harry to
snog Hestia? Isn’t she like McGonagall’s age?” He squinted at Remus and asked
shrewdly, “Have you been diggin’ into those badger mushrooms again?”
Remus looked around, “Well, it depends on what fic you’re in. She is anywhere
from thirty to just shy of a tombstone. Her age is ambiguous as Blaise Zabini’s
James blinked, “God, Moony, you look like you could use a drink.”
“Here,” offered Peter, “I got his off of one of the Americans. What exactly is
a Long Island Iced Tea? They all seem to drink them.”
“It’s a sorry excuse for a cocktail that packs a hellava wallop. So how did you
end the conversation with Harry?” asked James.
“Anyway, I told him that we could continue our ultra-angsty conversation about
his dead parents and the pooch another time.” said Remus chugging the drink.
“Plus, it’s always a feral embrace. Why am I always feral or bumbling? Can’t I
ever be just sexy and suave?”
“No way, Remus, because then you’d have a serious problem. Sirius is seriously
the smooth and suave one. You can’t be the serious stud because that job is
taken, seriously.” Peter slapped his thigh, laughing as he spoke.
“Peter,” growled Sirius, “Jokes about my name are as old as yesterday’s
Mountain Troll attack. Knock it off!”
“What’s the matter? You can’t take a joke? Why so serious, Sirius?”
“”I mean seriously, Sirius, we would have a serious problem if Sirius got
serious with a girl. Ser-“
“LAST WARNING, WORMTAIL!” roared Sirius.
Peter continued, not getting the hint, “Remus, you know, all you really need is
some serious attention from Sirius. I mean, seriously-“
“AVADA KEDVARA!” roared Sirius, brandishing his wand.
A green light the color of Lily’s emerald eyes flashed from Sirius’ big wand
and struck Peter, who immediately fell splat in a big lump.
“What?” asked Sirius, looking around innocently at everyone. “He had it coming.
It’s not like you all didn’t want to do it, too! Besides, the writers never
know what do with him anyway. He would have barely been in the story."
“True, good point, that,” said James, nodding his head in agreement.
Carefully stepping over the-heap-formerly-known-as-Peter, Lily walked over to
the PA system. “Attention House Elves. We have a clean-up in the Great Hall,
Aisle 2.” Turning to Remus and Sirius, she handed them the streamers. “Well,
while the elves are cleaning, you too two can at least start decorating, cause
you know sooner or later, they are going to assign you to it. You may as well
get a head start.”
Lily tossed her head, laughing at Remus and Sirius, her flowing titian locks
distracting the house-elves not unlike the way sparkly things fascinate cats.
“Streamers, again!” moaned Sirius. “Why do Remus and I always have to decorate?
I hate arts and crafts!” whined Sirius. “Plus, last time I threw my back out
catching Remus when he fell off the ladder into my arms.”
“Those Quidditch reflexes going soft on you, Blackie?” asked James.
“No! I got distracted with Remi's eyes changing from grey to yellow to purple
to opal and then back to yellow. I mean you’d think more people would clue in
to the amber eye thing,” replied Sirius.
“Well c’mon,” said Remus. “I’ll try to keep them under control, Siri.”
BARF! Sirius spewed on the floor.
Lily got down on her knees and spoke to the still distracted elves, “Make that
a wet cleanup. Go get a mop.”
“Aren’t those nicknames just horrid, Jamesey-Wamsey?” said Lily deviously.
“Jeesh, James I didn’t think calling you Jamesey would make you hurl. It’s not
as bad as Remi or Siri,” said Lily
“It’s not that. All of a sudden, it smelled of … rotting fruit in here? What is
that smell?” replied James.
“Oh, not again!" cried Lily, running her hands through her luxurious
tresses. “It’s my hair. This happens every time the author can’t decide whether
it smells like strawberries, raspberries or cinnamon. It always ends up fuming
like sangria gone bad!”
“Since when does red hair come with a scent?” asked James.
“Hey, you have your fandom problems, and I have mine,” answered Lily irritably.
"Actually," said Sirius, getting up from his knees, "It is not
so much of a fruit smell as it is just rotting garbage. It's like there’s an
open trench here somewhere."
"Well, the house elves just finished scooping up Wormtail. It couldn't be
him; the one good thing about AK is that it is odor free," responded
"OH, NO!" interrupted Lily, "I'd know that oily smell anywhere!
Run for your lives! It’s…"
"Out of my way, Mudblood!" Cried Severus as he entered the room.
"Why did the writer have to put him in?" queried James as he
"Told ya he'd be around for us to throw into the punch!" said Sirius.
"Scoff all you like! At least my character is always the same, plus the badboy
fangirl addicts never disappoint." sneered Snape. "Besides, whenever
I get shipped with one of you, I always get to be on top. Last night was extra
special, wasn't it, Remi?"
"That was entirely too much information even for me!" groaned Sirius
"Wait a minute," said James trying not to spew also. "You’re
here early, even though no one ever writes you in until the party starts. So,
what gives, Snivellus?"
"Oh, thanks to this Time Turner I grabbed off of a distracted fangirl who
was trying to redeem Draco, I jumped ahead a bit and brought back a little
souvenir from the future. Catch, Potsy.” said Severus lobbing something at
James while grinning maliciously at Remus, “ I would toss it to the Dark
Creature, but he would probably drop it. In the future, he's a wolfie-biped and
they forgot to give him opposable thumbs."
The Gryffindors looked blankly at Snape.
"Must I explain everything?" asked Severus rolling his eyes,
"They made Loser Lupin a two legged werewolf and his upper paws don't
function like hands!"
The three Marauders and Lily just stared at the small plastic monstrosity Snivellus
had tossed to James. They couldn’t believe their eyes. Surely, no one in the
future could be this cruel! The Remus action figure had to be another of Snivellus’
"Shall we hex him together?" asked Remus.
"Let's" said Sirius
"Ditto." replied Lily and James as they then cried in unison, "Jelly
"Bat-Bogey!" chimed in Sirius.
"Crucio!" screamed Remus, as Snivellus fell to the floor,
writhing in agony.
"Whoa, Dude, taking a walk on the wild side?" asked Sirius
"If you can throw an AK I'm going unforgivable too! Transfigure me a
harmonica, Lily, CAUSE I’M AZKABAN BOUND, BABE! FIRE UP THAT MOTORBIKE, SIRI,
CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING ON THE RUN TOGETHER!" shouted Remus,
laughing manically as he caught the harmonica that Lily had tossed to him.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeee-hah! On the run again!" replied Sirius as he and
Remus joined hands and ran out to get his bike together.
"It's beautiful. Isn't it, James? I always knew they were meant for each
other!" said Lily, as she, James, the Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus watched and
waved, as Remi and Siri flew off into the sunset together.