The Sugar Quill
Author: Cogito Ergo Sum  Story: Quad Nesciunt Eos Non Interficiet: Or Perhaps It Will  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

A/N: Okay. This is my first fic, which is kinda kewl. But don't let that turn you off it; pleeeeeez read. Right then! This is NOT mwpp, this is NOT lily/james. It IS however, about Lily. And someone else. See if you figure it out! (It's REALLY easy. Yay me.) Right. Kay. Good. READ! And review. Reviews are good. Yay reviews.

Disclaimer: They aren't mine. You know, this is pointless. You all know they aren't mine, unless you think I'm J. K. Rowling and then you're off your nut. Right then. Bow and scrape to the lovely JKR and get on with reading my fic. By the way, I'm keeping Draco, so you can't have him. Got it? Kudos and lovely chocolate cake to they who can tell me what exactly gen/het is and what PWP stands for. I NEED TO KNOW! By the way, review. And get on with reading my fic already! I can't believe you're still reading the darn disclaimer! Flames will be used for roasting my brother's feet...they are perpetually cold. :)

***

I watch you, and you see me. When I make a face at you, I know you'll giggle. I know you don't hate me; I'm your friend. But Lily, I want to be so much more. I love you. You just don't understand. I could stand here forever watching the light strike your red hair and making it a cool fire, watching your green eyes sparkle with an unearthly light. I've done so much for you, with you. You amaze me. But I don't think you can remember. You don't know that you are the object of my affection, of my desire. You were so beautiful.

She can't remember anything that I've done for her
She can't remember what it is that I care for
Now she claims its all just my fault
Now she claims its just all me by default

I’m like all the others, aren't I, Lily? Just one of your admirers. Every boy at this wretched school is at your mercy. They would die for your attention, for just one kiss. But I'm ahead of them, aren't I, Lily? Because you kissed me. I remember it. I told you l loved you. I had been hiding all that time. I had finally gotten up the courage to tell you how I felt. I was so afraid. Afraid that you would reject me. So I told you I loved you. You laughed that beautiful laugh, the one where you sound delighted all the time, like bells ringing in a silver wind. And you bent down and you kissed me, right on the mouth. I thought then that you loved me too, and I stood outside the common room for ages after you went in, just touching my lips. But I understand now. You thought I was kidding. You thought I was trying to make you laugh. You didn't ever love me, did you, Lily? You were so beautifu l.

I saw a lot of you in those days. You were James’s best friend, you were. James. He was never my friend. Put up with me, but never liked me. Hated what I was, who I was. I was different from you. You see, that was why I was picked. Why my master chose me. I was different. He could see what I was. Liked it. In those days…you were my angel, Lily.

Whats that, you gave up long ago?
(Well thats bad 'cause) I gave it all up for you
Yeah, okay, whatever, sure
You know me, I'm never one to hurt

When I realized it, knew that you would never love me, I was struck in grief. I remember every word you ever said to me. “Are you all right? You seem different lately.” “Yes, Lily, I'm fine. Just tired. I've been studying a lot for our finals. You know how it is.” “Oh, it's okay. You'll pass with flying colors. You'll surpass the whole class! I promise. Don't worry.” “Thanks, Lily. I know that with your support, I can do it.” You smiled and touched my shoulder before gliding away. Away to find your precious James. Lily, you said I would beat everyone. But you were wrong. Ironic, wasn’t it, the fact that you, Lily, were the one to outshine me. Broke your promise, you did. And it was then that I knew that you could be wrong. That you weren't perfect, even though I had convinced myself that you were. I don't regret what I did then, because you would never see me as I looked upon you. You didn't understand. I knew I couldn't stand to know you could plague me for the rest of my life, because you could never love me, could you, Lily? You saw James as a saint. You saw him as I'd once seen you. One day, Lily, you'll realize it. You'll see that you could have had me, should have had me. And you will hate him, as I do. You will hate him for taking you away from me. For blinding you from the realization that he was evil, that I could take care of you, would love you purely. You were so beautiful.

Think of all the times I thought of you
Think of all the dreams that never came true
So now you ignore me every single day
But now it's really me that you betray

I think it was the end of fifth year when it began. I had found a book on the Dark Arts, and I began reading. And then I couldn't stop. By the end, I wondered why the Sorting Hat had ever put me in Gryffindor; I was clearly a Slytherin. And then it struck me-I could be brave. And I would be. This revelation caused me to laugh and I couldn't stop. I knew what I had to do and I had no hesitations about doing it-I turned to The Dark Lord. I had dreamed for years of you and me, of the day when you would fall in love with me. I thought of you every minute, every second of every day. But it never happened. And then, towards the end of seventh year, you began ignoring me. I think you knew something was wrong. I think you knew I was a supporter of You-Know-You. I think, Lily, that you were afraid. You convinced yourself it wasn't me, that shy, mousy little me couldn't do t hat. But whatever it was, you stopped talking to me. And to my surprise, it pleased me quite a lot. I scared you now. The roles were reversed. You did not haunt me any longer. Instead, my presence, my mere existence plagued you. You betrayed me when you didn't love me. And so now I betray you.

Couldn't wait forever but you think I can
Its too bad for you, though, I'm not that kind of man
One thing I should mention though -
I gave up on you long ago

I won't wait for you, darling Lily. I know you love James. And so I beg you, marry him. You have my blessing. I hope that you are happy together. You only have so long, Lily, before you will die. I hope you have a child, because I want him to live miserably, knowing his parents are dead for their sins. And someday, I hope that he too will have to succumb to The Dark Lord, as you will. I was so happy when you switched Secret Keepers from Sirius to me. I never liked him either. Always trying to get you and James together. I suppose it's right. Now I will fulfill my destiny. I will betray you, as you did to me. I gave up on you long ago, Lily. I don't care anymore. The night my master came, I was there. Did you know that? No, you couldn't have. Just before you rushed to grab your precious son, I kissed him goodnight and whispered in his ear. Then mousy little me move d to the living room because I knew that would be where you would die. And Lily, I know your last words. They all heard you scream, but there were three words I heard you whisper before your last breath left you. And then I knew you had known it was me. That you were right all along. I heard you, dearest Lily.

“Why, Peter, why?”

 

 

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