The One with the Quidditch
The characters in
this fic belong to JKR. The story belongs to the fabulous people behind the US sitcom, Friends. This truly, truly wonderful
show has just finished here in the UK, and this is my
(bizarre) tribute to it. Plus, I felt like writing something light and silly
after Card Castles in a Summer Storm. As Harry Potter is quite a
different set-up from Friends, you have to allow me a bit of poetic
licence in order to make them mesh well together. Letís just pretend that the Hextet
are all at the Burrow in the holidays. And letís pretend that some of them
*cough*Neville!*cough* have changed a bit over the summer. Some lines have been
switched (and others changed completely), but generally the characters are interpreted
HERMIONE Ė Rachel
GINNY Ė Monica
LUNA Ė Phoebe
NEVILLE Ė Joey
HARRY Ė Chandler
RON Ė Ross
disbelief and enjoy the programme!
*††††† *††††† *
interior of the Burrow. HERMIONE, GINNY and LUNA are sitting at the kitchen table
surrounded by books. HERMIONE is tutoring GINNY and LUNA using various charts, graphs and pieces of
parchment. GINNY is looking extremely grumpy, LUNA merely distant. On the other side of the
room HARRY, RON and NEVILLE are crammed around the radio, listening to
the Quidditch results.)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Hey, you three
have done your OWLs. Instead of listening to the Quidditch, you could help us
timetable at GINNY.)
Okay, Ginny, you
want to do about seven hours of work a day.
No, Hermione, you
want to do about seven hours of work a day. I want to do this.
out her wand and hits HERMIONE with the Bat Bogey Hex. With a wave of her
own wand and an outward breath, Hermione rids her nose of bat wings.)
(The gang are
seen jumping and dancing around in the Ministry of Magic fountain in various
poses, before all squeezing onto a Gryffindor common room sofa. Their names
appear in this order: HERMIONE, GINNY, LUNA, NEVILLE, HARRY, RON.)
Scene continued from earlier.)
interest in studying, she is watching the boys around the radio.)
You know, for
once, Iím going to sit down and try to listen to one of these things.
(Just as she
Hey, who wants to
fly the brooms around, maybe get a little three on three going?
Which means you
could use a break.
Ooh, can I play
too? Iíve never played Quidditch, like ever.
Great, you can
No, no, no, I
donít really want to play.
Come on, mate. You
never want to do anything since you and Cho broke up.
Thatís not true! I
wanted to wear my pyjamas and eat Cockroach Clusters all day. I wanted to start
drinking Butterbeer in the morning. Donít say that I donít have goals!
Harry, you have to
start getting over her. If you play youíll get some fresh air, maybe itíll take
your mind off Cho. And if you donít play everyone will be mad at you because
the teams wonít be even. Come on.
Yeah, all right.
Yay! Letís do it!
Donít you want to
look with GINNY.)
Er, Ginny and I
arenít supposed to play Quidditch.
Says who, your
GINNY AND RON
Well, every summer
we used to have a Quidditch competition calledÖ
Ö called the Weasley
No, no, no. You
say that proudly!
Anyway, Ron and I
were always captains because weíre the youngest. And, um, it got kind of
competitive and one year, Weasley Comp Six, I accidentally broke Ronís
It was so not an
accident. She saw I was about the grab the Snitch so she jabbed her elbow right
into my face and kept on flying.
To catch the
winning Snitch, by the way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You did not win the game. The Snitch didnít count, because of the spectacularly
illegal, oh and by the way savage, nose breaking.
(To HARRY and NEVILLE.)
I won the game.
Oh yeah? Then how
come you didnít get the Weasley Cup?
(Trying not to
There was a Weasley
Yes, it was the
trophy you got if you won the game. But Dad said he was sick of our fighting so
he took the trophy andÖ
(He is on the
verge of tears.)
Ö Threw it in the
And was the curse
That was when Mum
said that we were not allowed to play Quidditch ever again.
You play at
Mum doesnít know
You know what? I
think we should play a game. I mean, come on. Itís been twelve months.
Can I see you for
(They walk over
to the sink and discuss it in furious, hushed voices.)
All right, weíre
going to play.
the Burrow. The gang is warming up for their Quidditch game, hovering a few
feet above the ground on their brooms. LUNA is swinging her broom around in a rather
wild, erratic manner while HERMIONE is sitting very awkwardly.)
Okay, letís start.
Wait, no, throw it
to me! Ron, throw it to me!
Here you go.
(He throws her
the Quaffle. Instead of catching it she knocks it down with a slap.)
That almost hit me
in the face!
All right, we have
to pick captains.
Okay, so how do we
Well, why donít we
just swing a Gnome?
HARRY AND NEVILLE
GINNY AND RON
arms above their heads as if holding a garden Gnome.)
(The others are
Okay, looks like
Ron and I are captains. I swung first so I get to pick first. Neville.
Ginny, Iím your
Hermione, youíll get picked. Harry.
(LUNA kisses HERMIONE on
the cheek as she joins NEVILLE and GINNY.)
See now, Hermione,
I pick you.
walking towards him and HARRY.)
You donít pick me!
Youíre stuck with me!
Okay. Letís play
from the chicken coop to the gate. No Bludgers. Everyone can handle the Quaffle
and anyone can catch the Snitch.
Iíve set a timer.
We have exactly twenty-eight minutes before you have to continue revising.
Wow, she makes it
just like being at Hogwarts.
(Joining GINNY and NEVILLE in a
Wait for me, wait
for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle.
So what do you two
really think of Harry?
Luna, you know
what youíre doing, right?
Nevilleís going to
get the Quaffle off Ron, and youíre going to block Harry.
I thought you said
you knew what you were doing!
I thought you
meant in life!
(HARRY is ready
to throw the Quaffle. RON is waiting to catch it.)
The ball is Cho.
The ball is Cho. The ball is Cho.
(He throws it
so hard that RON is winded.)
Ow! Son of aÖ Ow!
Sorry, Iím sorry!
You know what? Weíre just going to pass it.
throwing it more gently. NEVILLE shoots forwards and intercepts it.)
I got it!
Go! Go! Go!
flies up the field, feints past RON and scores.)
Score! Ten to
dangerously off his broom while GINNYíS team celebrates flying around each other.)
(Flying over to
Are you all right?
himself to the ground to get back on his broom.)
Come on, letís go!
Yeah? Losers talk!
(To them both.)
(Cut to later. RONíS team
has the ball.)
Over here! Over
her the Quaffle, which she drops.)
Ha! I almost
caught that one!
Great. Now itís
ten to almost ten.
(Flying to HARRY.)
Okay, you go to
the right. Iíll throw it to you past Luna. Go!
Wait! What do I
Er, you go long.
Until we start to
look very small.
(Cut to later. GINNYíS team
has the Quaffle.)
(Throwing it to
zooms for it at the same time as HARRY. They both miss it and it drops to the
ground and under the foot of a very beautiful girl.)
Hey, thanks for
stopping the Quaffle.
(In an accent.)
You are playing Quidditch?
Hey, youíre from a
whole other country.
Hi, Iím Neville.
Iím sorry French,
I didnít catch that last bit.
laughs. HARRY flies to the ground.)
Hey, Neville, do
you wanna play Quidditch, do you wannaÖ
Ö Hi, Iím Harry.
Her name is French
and also Floor.
circles above them.)
Come on guys!
Letís go. Weíre twenty ahead.
Uh, hello? Only
No weíre not. We
It just amazes me
that youíre still pulling stuff like this.
Weíve got twenty points.
Okay, youíve got
Take all the
points you need.
Hey! I heard that!
Well, I said it
(To NEVILLE and HARRY.)
Is it okay if I
stay and watch?
NEVILLE AND HARRY
Yeah! Why donít
you stick around! You can sit right there!
to sit down on the wall. NEVILLE and HARRY fly back up to the game, talking.)
Well that went
I think so.
You know, I was
thinking about asking her out.
Thanks mate, but I
think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, you know.
Whoa-ho. No, I was
thinking about for me. As a part of that whole getting over Cho thing you were
Oh yeah, that. All
right, if it means that much to you, Iíll let you have her.
Thanks. Wait! Let
me have her? Like if you didnít I wouldnít have a shot?
Well, I donít like
to say it out loud butÖ yeah! I mean youíre famous and everything, but girls
really dig the cute round guy. Donít feel bad. We all have our strengths.
Youíre better with defence and stuff.†
giving me spells?! All right, forget about it. Weíll see who gets her.
(Cut to later. RONíS
Harry, I want you
to fly high over the game and HermioneÖ
Yeah, I know. Go
long. You know it feels like all Iím doing is running back and forth from the
Well, do you want
to just, er, stay out there?
(Looking at the
Quaffle in his hands.)
Can I see that for
takes it and bounces it off RONíS forehead. HARRY catches the rebound.)
high and catches the Quaffle as RON throws it to him. NEVILLE flies up behind HARRY and knocks the ball out of his hands.
Annoyed, HARRY grabs at NEVILLE and rips his robes.)
What is the matter
with you? You attacked my robes!
Better yours than
mine. Hey, I am good at defence!
All right, thatís
it. You know, I was still going to let you have her, but now forget it! Prepare
to feel very bad about yourself.
Hey! Well Iíve
been preparing for that my entire life.
Or something about
you thatís mean!
Come on guys,
letís go. Itís thirty - thirty and weíre running out of time!
timer sounds as GINNY throws the Quaffle to LUNA.)
Oh I got it! Ow! Ew!
Broken bones! Ow!
up the field and scores a goal.)
The timer sounded.
After I threw it!
Before you threw
Now, does it
Well, I scored a
goal. It was my first goal.
great. It doesnít count.
Does so count.
gasp. He has gone too far.)
Mer Ė linís -
You know, thatís
fine. Maybe you havenít grown up. But I have.
her broom around so that the back of it hits RON in the head.)
Ow! Ow! Okay,
fine. You want to win by cheating, go ahead, thatís all right. Luna, the goal
No, listen, Iím
not going to go through this with you again. Just for once I want to beat you
when you canít blame it on the broken nose, the timer, or some stupid phobia.
Letís just call this tie score and have a time out.
Okay, first of all
I donít play with cheaters. And secondly, you know there were spiders nesting
in the tail of my broom!
I think youíll
Oh really, whyís
(Cut to the
interior of the Burrow. GINNY slams down a grubby old Filibuster
Firework covered with a
tiny Weasley jumper on the table.)
Because the winner
(In an awed
The Weasley Cup!
Is everyone else
seeing a firework wearing a Weasley jumper?
the Burrow. The gang is returning to play the second half of the game. RON is
running after GINNY.)
Where did you get
When Mum and Dad Flooed
you to St. Mungoís, I swam into the lake and fished it out.
That cup is mine!
No itís not. If
you want it, you have to win it.
Are we not going
to study at all?
ignores HERMIONE and signals to LUNA and a reluctant, distracted NEVILLE.)
Come on, letís go!
Huddle up! Neville, keep your head in the game.
Itís hard. Harryís
huddle is closer to the French girl.
Look, if I take
Harry out of the running will you be able to focus.
What are you going
Just make sure
Harry gets the ball. Iíll take care of the rest.
throws the ball to HARRY. HARRY catches it and zooms up the field. Just as
he passes FLEUR, raising his eyebrows, GINNY tackles him brutally, forcing him off his
Tackled by a girl!
Bet you donít see that everyday!
Woah, woah! Whatís
with the tackling?
What? I just
touched him and he fell off!
incredulously up at her from the ground. RON frowns.)
Okay, you want to
play rough? We can play rough.
stare at each other and ĎLetís Get Ready to Rumbleí sounds in the background. A
long Quidditch sequence follows. GINNY throws the Quaffle over HARRYíS head
to NEVILLE who catches it, lines up a goal, and starts to dance
in celebration. HARRY tackles him, takes the ball, and he too starts to
dance in celebration. GINNY then flies up the field waiting for a
pass. RON sneaks behind her, pulls up her robes, flits in front
of her, and intercepts the pass. HARRY next throws the Quaffle to RON who
catches it. Screaming, LUNA flies towards RON but all she achieves is circling around
him making a lot of noise. Meanwhile, HERMIONE is at the other end of the field, swinging
her dangling legs and playing with her Droobles gum. Something hits her on the
head and she looks up to see where it came from. GINNY then throws the ball to LUNA, who
flies up the field, violently takes out HARRY, and scores a goal.)
I love this game!
over to HERMIONE who is reading a book while in the air.)
Where did you get
I went really
(Crowing at RON.)
Forty points to
just twenty! Ronniekins cannot catch me!
Itís no surprise
that youíre winning. You got to pick first, so you get the better team.
pathetic. Why canít you just accept it? Weíre winning because Iím better than
(RON makes a
Ďyeah rightí sound.)
What a great
argument! Exhaling! You know what? Iíll prove it to you. Iíll trade you Neville
for Hermione and Iíll still win the game.
What? The boys
against the girls? Thatís stupid Ginny, because Iím only down by twenty points.
Ooh, then bring it
on. Unless of course youíre afraid you might loose to a bunch of girls.
Hermione, youíre with Ginny now. Neville, youíre with me.
GINNY but looking back at RON.)
I cannot believe
youíre trading me!
Come on Hermione.
Letís see what itís like to be on a winning team for a change.
Youíre going to
let me play?
All right then!
(Cut to the
boysí team. FLEUR is calling up to them.)
The game is over?
No, no, no. The
gameís not over, weíre just switching teams.
Yeah, Harry finds
me so intimidating that itís better if weíre on the same team.
Okay, letís play.
(Looking from NEVILLE to FLEUR.)
No, hold on a
second, Neville. Where do French people come from?
around Beauxbatons, right?
You see, Beauxbatons
was this snooty school that visited Hogwarts in our fourth year.
delighted, NEVILLE annoyed and RON just weary.)
improving foreign relations. Letís play some Quidditch.
No, Iím not
playing with this bloke now.
Fine with me.
Okay, letís just
cut to the chase here. Fleur, which of my boys do you like?
HARRY AND NEVILLE
What are you
doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Which do I like?
You know, for
dating, general merriment, sharing a bowl of frogsí legs withÖ
I like Bill. Zatís
actually why Iím hereÖ
But which of these
two do you like.
Well if I Ďad to
choose right now, which by ze way I find really weird, I would Ďave to sayÖ ĎArry.
Wait a minute! She
obviously didnít understand the question.
Well, why not get
Madame Maxime to explain it to her?
Neville. Zat is my choice.
You hear that? Zat
is her choice, mister Iíll-let-you-have-her. I win! You lose! I rule all! A
mini wave in celebration of me!!
(He does the
wave. FLEUR looks unimpressed.)
Iím now thinking zat
I would like to change my answer toÖ no one.
I now find you
shallow and um, a dork. Goodbye.
(She stalks off
into the house.)
Nice going. You
just saved yourself the envy of everyone in our year.
You know what, it
doesnít matter. She picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and go to Hogsmeade
and you have to take Occlumency with Snape on Saturday night!
breakthroughs for Dumbledore, all right? The clock is ticking and we are
losing. We are losing to girls.
Weíre not going to
lose to girls.
Itís forty -
This is rubbish. I
was just up by that much!
from her huddle.)
Are we playing Quidditch
or not? Come on!
(To HERMIONE and
We have to do
this. We are playing for girls everywhere. Okay, just think of every boy who
didnít ask you to the Yule Ball, every boy who didnít appreciate a singing
Valentine, every boy who stepped away from the MistletoeÖ
They have Nargles,
This is for every
girl whoís ever been wronged! Letís kill Ďem!
apparently very moved by GINNYíS words.)
Yeah!! Kill Ďem!!
shocked at herself. GINNY pats her supportively on the back. LUNA looks
All right, donít
get me wrong, I want to kill them. But theyíre boys. How are we going to
beat three boys?
around, smiling as a plan forms. Another Quidditch sequence follows. HARRY flies
past LUNA with the Quaffle but grinds to a halt as she lifts up
her top. As he stares dumbfounded, she grabs the Quaffle and flies on. NEVILLE then
intercepts it but is slowed as HERMIONE leaps onto his back in an attempt to
wrestle the Quaffle from him. When this fails GINNY and LUNA grab HERMIONEíS legs and they pull NEVILLE
backwards. However NEVILLE manages to wriggle his broom free and
score. Next HARRY has the Quaffle. LUNA flashes him again but he covers his eyes
and keeps flying until he crashes into the goalpost but scores nonetheless.)
Right, we have a
minute and a half to go and we are down by ten points. Ten pointsÖ
interrupted by the boys who are doing a slow motion high five.)
Luna, you fly high
again. Hermione, go long.
No! Come on! Donít
make me go long. Use me. They never cover me.
Honestly, Iím not
entirely incapable. I can throw. Will you let me throw? Come on, this is my
Yeah, go on Ginny,
let her throw the ball.
you fly high and Iíll get it to you. You then throw it towards their end to
All right! Go!
the ball very, very gently to HERMIONE who catches it with difficulty. Overcoming
their surprise, HARRY, RON and NEVILLE all speed towards HERMIONE. Screaming, she flies far away with the
three boys chasing her. Eventually she does an awkward loop, zooms back towards
GINNY and throws the ball with such force that it hits GINNY in the
Iím so sorry! Are
No, Iím not okay.
Iím sorry. They
were all coming at me. I didnít know what to do.
(Looking at HERMIONEíS
Hooray! We get to
take that stupid jumper thing home!
Come on, huddle!
Ooh, this is our
We can still score
once and get even. Then weíll have to play a tie breaker. Okay, Luna go far to
the right. Hermione, go long.
motion. GINNY throws the Quaffle to LUNA on the right. HERMIONE goes long. HARRY and NEVILLE speed towards LUNA who throws it back to GINNY. RON races
towards GINNY who desperately looks for LUNA. But LUNA is being held and gagged by HARRY and NEVILLE and
cannot get free. HERMIONE is waving wildly at GINNY but it
is too late. His broom out of control, RON flies into GINNY and the two of them are tangled in a fight
with the Quaffle. Disappointed, HERMIONE bows her head for a moment, looks up and
stares straight ahead of her. Suddenly alert, she makes a wild, unwieldy
snatching movement and clasps something in her hand. She screams and everyone
looks her way.)
opens her hand to reveal the Snitch.)
I got the Snitch!
We did it!
immediately overwhelmed by GINNY and LUNA who leap on top of her, hugging her and
screaming as they drift to the ground. RON and NEVILLE look horrified. HARRY looks thoughtful.)
funny thing. Ginny said we were playing from the chicken coop to the gate. And
you were so long that you caught the Snitch way beyond the gate. So we win.
celebrate. HERMIONE lets go of the Snitch dejectedly and it hovers close
Thatís stupid. You
can catch the Snitch anywhere.
You were the one
who said where the pitch was.
The Snitch doesnít
Oh, I think it
No it doesnít!
Wait, wait, wait!
Explain something to me. If weíre now in the pitch area, and the Snitch is
right there, doesnít that mean that the game is still going?
at each other for a split second before diving at the Snitch. The gang fall to
the floor, struggling. Eventually HARRY, NEVILLE, HERMIONE and LUNA give up, leaving RON and GINNY on the ground with their hands clasped
around the Snitch.)
You let go! Iím a
very tiny little girl!
Come on, you two.
Itís not important who wins or loses. The important thing isÖ
(Gleefully to NEVILLE.)
Ö The French girl
picked me! Me! Not you! France loves ĎArry, thank you Beauxbatons, Goodnight!
back inside the Burrow. HARRY, NEVILLE, HERMIONE and LUNA are drinking from bottles of Butterbeer
around the fire.)
definitely play Quidditch more often. Maybe thereís a league we could join or
Isnít there a
national Quidditch league?
Yes, they play on
Saturdays and Sundays.
Oh no! Those are
my homework days.
(HARRY and NEVILLE
exchange a look.)
These drinks are
Yeah, do you think
we should bring them some?
thirsty enough, theyíll come in.
the Burrow. Itís getting dark and RON and GINNY are still fighting over the Snitch. Gnomes
are watching them, hiding their sniggering faces with their hands.)
No! You let go!
How come itís
always us left on the pitch holding the ball?
I donít know. I
guess everyone else just doesnít care enough.
Itís getting dark.
up at the sky. The stars are beginning to twinkle and the sun is setting a
beautiful pinky orange. Moved by this, the siblings look at each other fondly.
Then they immediately start fighting for the Snitch again.)
*††††† *††††† *