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Oversexed, Overpaid, and Over Here - B. Nonymous
Oversexed, Overpaid, and Over Here.
Thanks again to Mrs. Nonymous (aka. Herm-own-ninny) for alpha reading. Enjoy!
March 10th, 1944
Dominic was, quite simply, annoyed. He was annoyed because his processing in
Liverpool consisted of being handed a Rank-View Ring (charmed by his best
friend Herschel) and then being immediately shuffled onto a London-bound
train. He was annoyed that he was going to miss the welcoming festivities
the rest of the battalion would enjoy (including a performance by a floating
band, something Colonel Ryerson seemed very keen on). He was annoyed by the
portly young bureaucrat who was escorting him, and that his newly charmed
ring showed said bureaucrat to be of equivalent rank to a Captain.
Most of all, however, he was annoyed by the additional presence of none other
than Captain Uriah Grubbly, carrying on a lighthearted conversation with the
same bureaucrat about how much more stuffy British wizardry was.
"Many of your ancestors' ideas about bringing the Muggle-born into the fold
were embraced over here, you know. Now this Hughes fellow on the other
hand... mixing freely with Muggles? Definitely the wrong sort, if you ask
"I wouldn't go that far, Cornelius... after all, he did keep up the
Secrecy Agreements when the radicals wanted to expose everything to the
Muggles! You read about the Vermont Secrecy Rebellion of 1802 in your
History of Magic class, right?"
The bureaucrat laughed in a manner that shook his whole body. Dominic
doubted he could laugh at all without doing so.
"Unfortunately our History of Magic teacher was quite boring. I probably
slept through it, or confused it with Goblin rebellions, or Giant
rebellions." Cornelius looked angry when mentioning Goblins.
Dominic decided to get in his two Bits (or Knuts, since he was now in
"So Siobhan O'Shaughnessy, was she the wrong sort too?" interjected
Cornelius Fudge looked at Dominic for the first time, as if he had just
appeared in the train's spartan compartment.
Uriah broke down laughing. This only added to Dominic's frustration. He
angrily looked at Fudge. The ghostly Captain's bars floating on his
shoulder (thanks to the Ring) were the only thing keeping Dominic from
pummeling him like a storekeeper who forgot to pay his protection money.
That this creampuff Limey did not know who the founder of O'Shaughnessy
School was should not have surprised Dominic. Neither should have the
blue-blooded Grubbly's guffaws. Dominic stood up and stormed out.
"Sergeant Salvaggio, please stay in the compartment. We do not wish to
reveal ourselves to the Muggles."
Dominic ignored Fudge, and walked out. His US Army uniform would only get
him noticed for being a foreigner, not for being a wizard. Fudge can go
stick it, and so can Grubbly, he thought to himself.
. . .
Dominic's second train ride frustrated him far less than his first. He
virtually had the whole run of the car to himself. This train, the "Hogwarts
Express", was normally used to transport students from London to Britain's
legendary school of witchcraft and wizardry. Both Uriah and the annoying
bureaucrat from the British Ministry remained on the same train as Dominic.
The addition of a few other passengers and the wide expanse of the train,
however, mitigated their annoying presence.
Dominic peered over the shoulder of a young witch sitting to his right.
Earlier - thanks to his Rank-View Ring, he saw sergeant's stripes floating
over her shoulder - he had introduced himself. She had a scrapbook of some
sort open to a full-page wizarding group photo. Spelled out in neat script
underneath was, "1942-1943 - Head Boy, Head Girl, and Prefects". Dominic
focussed on the Head Girl. She wore glasses, and had her dark hair pulled
straight back. Her expression switched from stern, admonishing the other
subjects for not being serious, to a fascinated twinkle when looking at her
male counterpart, to slightly mischievous while looking straight into the
The young witch, who was the Head Girl, sighed, and then spoke after
Dominic obviously found her in the photo.
"Yes, he's the Head Boy," she said while slightly blushing.
"Look at him... look at you! I wouldn't need a wizarding snapshot to tell
me you're crazy for each other. And you're both working in the same unit,
"It's MINERVA, you Yankee git. Only Alan gets to call me Minnie. And I
cannot say whether or not we are working in the same unit... I might as well
ask why a loud, brash American is being assigned to Hogsmeade!"
Dominic nodded his head in agreement. Minerva Burns, who planned on
becoming Minerva McGonagall after the war was over, was not about to divulge
anything else to him on that particular subject. Dominic quickly changed
the subject when he spotted a prefect holding a particularly large
"Who's the guy with the shield?" asked Dominic, pointing to a dark-haired boy
who either looked humble or suspicious, depending on who else in the picture
was looking at him.
Minerva sighed before answering. "That's Tom Riddle. That shield is an
award for special services to the school."
"Special services?" asked Dominic.
Minerva looked slightly cross as she continued. "He ... found someone who
had unleashed a monster in the school."
Dominic was not going to let her slip go unchallenged. "What were you going
to say? He didn't FIND someone. He..."
She glanced quickly around before explaining. "A few of us think that Tom
was not entirely honest about who had unleashed the monster. We have, of
course, nothing to substantiate such a claim. It's just... well... the boy
they expelled could NOT have done it."
"Really? Who got expelled?"
"His name was Rubeus Hagrid. He was in my house," Dominic recognized
the sort of pride he had when mentioning his own O'Shaughnessy School.
Minerva continued, "He was a clumsy boy, half-giant too. But he would not
unleash something that would leave one student dead."
Dominic's jaw was slack. "Half-giant?!" he asked, fixating on the concept,
foreign to a Muggle city kid.
After a ten-second pause, Minerva jumped back to a previous topic of
conversation - her engagement.
"You know, Dominic, what I'll miss most about marrying Alan is that my name
will no longer be a complete sentence."
. . .
Dominic felt as if he had returned to Salem. He was sitting, alone, in the
front row of a classroom. From its appearances, it was a Transfiguration
classroom. Its walls were decorated with several drawings of objects in
mid-transformation, or before-and-after shots. One picture was animated,
showing an orange blossom changing into an orange sherbet.
At least it's my favorite subject, thought Dominic.
Coincidental to his thought, a greying, auburn-haired wizard walked briskly
into the room. Following him were Minerva, a black-haired wizard who looked
to be middle-aged, and a balding wizard wearing very thick wire-rimmed
glasses. Dominic's Rank-View Ring pegged the middle-aged wizard as a fellow
sergeant and the spectacled one as a Lieutenant.
Dominic did a double-take at the auburn-haired wizard, who had a long beard
which made his appearance fit the stereotype of the wise old wizard. He saw
two stars over each shoulder. That placed him as a Major General,
which meant he outranked General Tucker.
The auburn-haired wizard spoke in a commanding mixture of firm and gentle
tones. "Before we begin, I would like to introduce our newest agent. From
the American Wizarding Volunteers, Sergeant Dominic Salvaggio. He comes to
us from the Muggle section of New York, and his Animagus form is a rat.
Until Alan returns, Dominic here will be assuming some of his duties here on
Dominic's mind jumped back to his conversation with Minerva. Alan was
obviously out on a mission of some sort. Minerva must miss him. I hope
the old man doesn't mean those duties!, he thought. He was jarred
out of his thoughts by being directly addressed.
"Now Dominic, we try to be on a first-name basis here. Except for Alan and
me, all of us here are Animagi - I feel that your common gift allows a more
informal relationship. I know you see us as fellow soldiers, or perhaps some
as superior officers, thanks to that ring you are wearing, but I will have
none of that here. We are to provide intelligence to the Ministry, and," he
briefly addressed the group, "to our new friends from America.
"I am Albus Dumbledore. I am a Transfiguration Professor at this school, and
I... help however I can with the fight against Grindelwald. Would the rest
of you please introduce yourselves to Dominic?"
The wizard with glasses started. "I'm Hermes Lovegood, and when Albus isn't
here, I'll be handing you assignments and debriefing you." He paused, and
then mentioned as an afterthought, "I'm an owl."
Minerva spoke to her peers more than Dominic. "I'm Minerva Burns, and we've
already spoken with each other on the train. And I'm a cat."
The middle-aged wizard walked over and shook Dominic's hand. "Ernie
Hawking. Despite my name... I'm actually a canary."
Dominic was glad he was on the same side as these people. Apart from Ernie,
he was prey to Minerva's and Hermes's predators.
. . .
Dominic enjoyed his first British butterbeer in Hogmeade's "The Three
Broomsticks". He was sitting at the bar, surveying a half-eaten
steak-and-mushroom pie, and wishing he had anything his mother cooked
instead. Like on the Muggle front, the Italian wizarding community had
either gone in with Grindelwald, or were too scared to oppose him. Also like
on the Muggle front, Italy had been liberated. That meant he would not be
visiting there on any missions. The consequence of all of those events was
Dominic would have to deal without any real food until he returned to
the States. The lack of suitable cuisine did not put Dominic in the best of
The icing on Dominic's bland-tasting cake was the familiar-looking drunken
teenager at the end of the bar. He had just arrived, ordered three fingers
of Ogden's (something Dominic had considered, until he saw its effects),
drank it way-too-quickly, and started spouting off.
"Filthy Mudbloods! Now we have even more of them with all of these bloody
Americans over here."
Dominic, who was in uniform, shook his head while trying to swallow the last
of his pie. He kept his head low because in the background he could hear
bits of assent in the crowd, including that old standby of British Muggles
and wizards -- "oversexed, overpaid, and over here."
He examined the drunk boy as best as he could, and recognized him. He was
the award-winner from Minerva's picture. Tom... that was his name. Dominic
wondered why someone so young could be allowed in a bar, but then he
remembered that legal age for all wizards in Britain was seventeen, and he
assumed that Tom was now seventeen.
As Dominic reached his conclusion, the voices got a little louder. He chose
to ignore them until a silence fell, and he felt a wand touching his back.
"You... Mudblood. And don't tell me you're not... you're a damned Yankee
bastard. Think you're here to save our necks from Grindelwald, and his
Dominic stood up only because the voice taunting him did not belong to the
boy Tom from Minerva's picture. He turned around and saw a stocky wizard,
hardly taller than himself, but twice as thick. The British purist had a
much taller and much thinner friend standing on his left, and he looked
Before Dominic could speak a word, another voice, this time very familiar,
rang out on top of rapid footsteps.
"How dare you pontificate on the so-called purity of blood, you
It was Captain Uriah Grubbly - also in full uniform, and full of the sort of
indignation he normally saved for anyone who had announced their intentions
of moving back into Muggle society after graduation from Salem.
"I come from one of the ten wizarding families that came to America in
1632," he began. Dominic had heard Uriah utter this phrase at least a
hundred times during his seven years at Salem. Unlike every other time,
however, Dominic actually paid attention to him this time after he said it.
"My magical heritage is the result of learning, tradition, and strong roots
in the magical community. It has NOTHING to do with blood or ancestry. My
own mother is Muggle-born, yet is proud to call herself a witch. She has
embraced her gifts fully, and is a role model to any of us we find among the
Dominic had met Uriah's parents during Salem's graduation. Mrs. Grubbly
looked Greek - not unlike someone he would have met in any Greek section of
New York or Boston. She acted like anyone's mother, Dominic supposed. He
never knew that she was Muggle-born. Uriah was being his normal long-winded
self, but his words seemed to have won over some of the crowd.
The stocky purist rejoined the exchange. "Then your father continues to be a
blood-traitor, and you're mother is..."
Dominic drew his wand, pointed it at the short lout, and uttered the first
nasty spell that came to his mind - Incendio.
His Incendio was deflected by simultaneously-cast Protego
charm. The red beam struck an empty table, and set it aflame.
Uriah pointed his wand at the table, quickly extinguishing the flame. He
also ducked as the white-flash of a Stunner flew near his shoulder. Dominic,
remembering his training, turned into a rat, scurried underneath between the
feet of the stocky pure-blood, and turned back into a human. Dominic was now
behind the pure-blood's back, and with a clear shot he cast his
own Stupefy, which knocked out his first opponent.
He had no time to dodge an Impedimenta fired by the taller pure-blood.
Dominic slowed down to one-quarter his normal speed. Only his training
("You're only useful as a speedy rat, Salvaggio! I could've squashed
you like a bug!" rung in his ears) kept him from changing back into a rat and
The last spell he heard cast before he regained full movement
was Petrificus Totalus, which caused the tall pure-blood to fall
face-first into another table. The table collapsed, as did the tall wizard.
The three pints on the table spilled all over the floor, soaking the two
Dominic looked at Uriah in amazement. Someone who had been nothing but a
source of put-downs, condescension, and wizardlier-than-thou platitudes was
now a fellow soldier, who had defended not only his comrade-in-arms, but his
country, and his way of life. The feeling of amazement was short-lived,
however, when three wizards in the uniform of the Magical Law-Enforcement
Squad (MLES) arrived and put Dominic and Uriah into Upper-Body-Binds. They
did the same to the two provoking wizards. As the MLES officers took them
away, Dominic wondered where the drunken boy Tom had gone.
. . .
"YOU TWO ARE THE WORST... I MEAN THAT! THE WORST EXAMPLE OF PUBLIC BEHAVIOR
I HAVE EVER SEEN!"
Colonel J. Ryerson's skin was a bright shade of red. Dominic had heard
rumors that General Tucker's eyes glowed when he was angry or gearing up to
use a particularly powerful spell. Dominic wondered if Colonel Ryerson's
whole body was capable of such incandescence. Ryerson's angry gaze kept
alternating between Dominic and Uriah as they stood at attention.
"I DO NOT CARE that you were being taunted. I DO NOT CARE that they called
you Mudblood," his gaze turned to Uriah, "or Blood-traitor. I DO NOT CARE
that your family is one of the original ten, and that you've known General
Tucker since before your first year at Salem."
Ryerson paused only long enough to breathe. "If this were a regular Army
unit, I'd have both of you thrown in the stockade."
A "ten-HUT" emanated from the guard outside the door. Colonel Ryerson
joined Dominic and Uriah at attention as General Tucker himself walked into
the room - accompanied by Albus Dumbledore.
"At ease, Colonel," said General Tucker. Uriah took this as a sign to relax
"I did NOT tell you to break from attention, Captain," said Tucker. His
eyes glowed ever-so-slightly when he clarified things to Uriah.
"Captain Grubbly and Sergeant Salvaggio. Professor Dumbledore and I have
just returned from the MLES," he pronounced every letter crisply, "and we
now have a full and detailed account of the incident from last night.
"Since you are both stationed at Hogwarts, your punishment will be to aid
Messrs. Pringle and Filch in whatever cleaning duties they assign you. And
you will not be allowed your wands while serving your punishment, which will
last for two weeks. Colonel Ryerson is correct - if this were a
regular Army unit, you'd be thrown in the stockade. Professor Dumbledore,
however, seems to think that the men you assaulted were poor examples of
British wizardry, and suggested I go light on you. For now, I am agreement
with him. Don't make me regret my decision.
"Colonel, you may finish with your men as you see fit."
"Yes sir!" saluted Ryerson. Tucker saluted him back, and left with
Dumbledore, conversing about something Dominic could not make out.
"You two are the luckiest sons of bitches I know." Dominic and Uriah agreed
with their superior officer silently.
"There are only a handful of wizards in the world who could possibly survive
a duel with Grindelwald himself, and you both just caught a break from TWO of
Stay tuned for the next chapter - Excursion. Keep those comments coming! I
thrive on them! I also reply to them...
Lilac - I PMed you.
Fans of American/US stories - I've never found a really good one (I will
gladly take recommendations), but I didn't look hard for them. This work
(and the B. Non/Herm-own-ninny Charlie Weasley & the Four Points) is my
attempt to address that void in the FF world.
Fans of history - I can't talk about my interest in history without giving
away some of my B. Nonymity, which I prize. Suffice to say I enjoy doing my
homework, but I am not a historian in RL.
The title doesn't come from Chicken Run, but the character who says it
in that movie nails the attitude of the time.
And Civil War Fantastic is being re-released. Type in the title to
Amazon.com's search box, you will find it!