The Sugar Quill
Author: Nohwrah B.  Story: No Regrets  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I donít own Sirius, Harry or anyone else in the Harry Potter-universe. I just look after them when JKís busy with other characters. The fantastic lyrics are Chris Martinís from Coldplay. Itís all his work, I just filled in the blanks.

A/N: As said in the summary, this kind a companion piece to ĎA Rush Of BloodÖí. Itís not necessary to have read it first, but it might help.

Iíd like to thank my wonderful, wonderful beta, Suburban House Elf.

And finally, Iíd like to dedicate this to Lore and Iene, two of my friends who are leaving us for an entire year to explore other corners of the world (more specifically South Africa and Norway).Iím going to miss you very much, dears.


Come on
Oh my star is fading
And I swerve
Out of control
And if I
If Iíd only waited
Iíd not be stuck here
In this hole

Let me tell you something about Azkaban, Harry, about the last fifteen years of my life and what I felt during them.

Azkaban was an island of mental torture, bone chilling screams and heartbreaking memories. I used to lie in my cell counting the stones in the wall for the last time, or at least, I hoped it was the last time. Every day again. I already knew there were 9855, but I kept counting them day after day after day. I didnít know why. I still donít. But I counted. Maybe to ease my mind and to keep it off the reason I was there. To forget the next wave of torture coming my way or maybe to make sure I could still count and do rational, everyday things. When I wasnít counting them, I felt horrible, empty and I could feel those monstrous creatures trying to suck the life out of me.

If there was one thing I would never let them have, it was my life.

But it became harder. After nearly twelve years of fighting, one does get tired of it. Sometimes I desired to give in. I felt myself getting weaker by the day and it was crushing to feel youíre not even able to open your eyes, or clear your throatÖ

I would have tried to break out, like I did in the early years of my sentence, but those Ö those evil things, they get to you and in the end you start to believe what they make you see. Itís awful to realise that whatever the images are, you canít block them out of your head. I hated myself so much that I felt like I deserved to be in there. I had no right to break out because all of the things I had done were worth paying for. I hated myself for having that ludicrous plan of changing Secret-Keeper. I felt like I had sentenced your father and mother to death. I hated myself for not being able to wait two bloody minutes, that day.

If only I had, things would have been so different. If only I hadnít gone after Peter, you would have had a home. If only I would have told Dumbledore or Remus that we had switched, I would have had a clear name. I wouldnít have been stuck in Azkaban, for twelve wasted years. You could have known the truth and you could have known about your parents. You didnít have to live in a cupboard under the stairs. You didnít have to live with people who told you lies about everything, who treated you like dirt. But because of my careless impulse, my incapability to think rather than act, you had to. I condemned you to the awful childhood you had. Me, of all people, who knew how hard it was to stand tall when you stand out. Me, who swore, to your father nonetheless, that if I ever could save someone from a childhood like mine, I would. But I broke my promises. I broke the promise to your father to look after you. I broke the promise to you of being the godfather you deserved.

And now I can never say Iím sorry.

Come here
Oh my star is fading
And I swerve
Out of control
And I swear
I waited and waited
Iíve got to get out
Of this hole

Those memories, haunting you every single second, really do get to you like nothing else ever could. They stop being memories. They become your dreams, become your company, become your reality. If you didnít break after youíve coped with all that, they become your life. And after youíve lost all knowledge of time, reality, and feeling, they are the only things you can hold on to. Even getting away from that place isnít important enough to spend your time thinking about it. Keeping sane becomes your all-consuming motive. Itís what keeps you going.

But then one day, I got hold of that newspaper. That changed everything. I felt strength I hadnít felt in over a decade. I finally had a reason to live and a chance to set things straight. I could make you see I was no murderer, no traitorÖ Someone higher power had been kind enough to offer me one last chance to show the world who really was to blame for the death of the two finest people I had ever met. I could finally avenge your parentsí death, like I was out to do the day I was sent to Azkaban. I had this feeling that if I could do this, grab that chance with both my hands, then I could make things right. I might be able to live with myself again. I felt hope I had never experienced before. If I could convince other people I was innocent, that I had only been trying to save or avenge Lily and James, maybe I could believe it too.

I had to get out of there and become the friend I had always been.

Become the godfather I had always meant to be.

Become the home I had always wanted to be.

Come on
Oh my star is fading
And I see
No chance of release
And I know
Iím dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Now, three years later, I still havenít been any of those things and no matter how much I still want to be them, itís too late. And again I am sorry, but there still is no way of telling you.

My luck has run out this time, Harry. There is no news big enough to make me break free from this place. This is no place I can leave, not as a man, not as a dog. And I know that there will never be a response if you call my name, but believe me, I am talking to you all the time. Iím screaming at the top of my lungs, Harry, you just cannot hear me. Iíll always be screaming, until the day you will not be deaf to my voice anymore. I just hope that day is not any time soon.

Even though itís left unheard, I can try to give you advice and hope that you will subconsciously pick it up. Itís the only godfatherly thing I can still do.

Donít do anything rash, Harry. Donít make any stupid decisions. Donít make the mistakes I made and think before you act. Donít avenge me, or your parents. There will be a time when you get the chance to do that. But for now, it doesnít matter how courageous you already are or how much youíve already been through, you are too young, too important, and too loved to get into this kind of war or trouble.

But time
Is on your side
Itís on your side now
Not pushing you down
And all around
Oh itís no cause for concern

My star has faded, but yours, Harry, yours is still on the rise. I know you canít hear me. I know you think Iíve left you hanging. But, Iím still here. Iíll always be. Iím still your godfather and if I canít take care of you then, by Merlin, Iíll love you as much as this transparent reflection of the afterlife can.

Take care of yourself as you have done for so long. You are so brave and so noble. You are as much of your fatherís son as you could be. And that is the greatest compliment I could ever give you. I see so much of James in you and I know this is a hard time, but I know you can become stronger through all of this. You are the best godson one could ever wish for. Donít ever think youíve done me wrong or that you havenít been living up to my expectations. You have, by far, exceeded them and you will exceed them even more in times to come.

If anyone has been a disappointment, it has been me. For twelve more than twelve years I made you find your own way through life, when I was the one who could help you find it. And when I finally got the chance to be the person I had promised your father I would be, I was still a convict on the run, making it so that you had to take care of me rather than the other way around. And then, on the night I couldíve given you the home I had to offer, the night I couldíve been the godfather I had in me, I did the complete opposite and left you by yourself again.

But, this I can say I did right: I loved you, like a friend, like a brother, like a godfather, and, although I could never give you the love James could have given you, even like a father.

Stuck on the end
Of this ball and chain
And Iím on my way
Back down again

Stood on the edge
Tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach

You can say what you mean
But it wonít change a thing
Iím sick of the secrets

Stood on the edge
Tied to the noose
But you came along
And you cut me loose

I donít ever want to hear you say you are sorry for anything you did. I donít ever want you to do anything out of guilt or anger. I have acted too often on them and look where that got me. I want you to become the person you were meant to be, and I have no doubt you will.

I want to see you love someone enough to make you risk everything. But, I want you to be loved back so much that that person would never ask that of you. I want you to keep those friends you have now, so that at least one of us can live on with that kind of friendship we once knew. I want you to have a child you can love as much as James and Lily loved you. I want you to have a godson you can love as much as I loved you.

Because I really did, Harry.

You gave my life meaning beyond anything I could ever imagine. You saved me in every possible way. I donít want you to dwell in the feeling of sadness you might have now. Look beyond your sadness and donít lose touch with what you have, because if you stay in this grey cloud, it might one day clear up and everything else may be gone as well.

You gave me three wonderful years in which I finally had the chance to mean something to someone again. I know my name isnít cleared, and I know my funeral is without a body, but those who had to know the truth, know and accept it. And the people that matter, they mourn. You gave me a place in your heart and that makes me feel as if all the bad things that happened in my life are redeemed.

You bought me three more years. If I hadnít had the chance to tell you everything, I would have been dead long before now. Maybe not physically, but mentally for sure. You saved my life, more than once, and in more ways than one. I feel gratitude, love, and friendship for you that I can honestly say I have never felt before. You have made me a better person and I couldnít have loved you more if you were my own son. You have made me realise that pride is a feeling that does exist. You have made me feel proud to see you, to know you, and you have made me proud to say I was your godfather.

I donít want you to lose yourself in this grief, Harry, because you have made me happy and you have set me free. I may not have had the chance to be or do everything I wanted, but I had the chance to do everything I needed to. You gave me that chance.

I will always be with you, and I will always be your godfather. But, I am here now, and I am here to stay. Yet if you ever regret something you did, believe me, I will move heaven and earth to come from the dead to prove you wrong.

No regrets. Like I donít have regrets, anymoreÖ

Stood on the edge
Tied to the noose
But you came along
And you cut me loose
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