Azkaban Prison (to the tune of “Sunset Boulevard”)

 

Scene: Sirius stands in a white spotlight, hands clenched. Other prisoners lurk in the shadows, watching him. He lifts his head.

 

SIRIUS:

Sure, I was crazy when I came,

I was innocent, I’d been framed,

Yes, I was one of the Potters’ mourners!

And after all these years – the same old hell,

That dirty bed, that rancid smell,

Dementors lurking in the corners!!

 

PRISONERS:

Azkaban Prison, maze-like prison,

 

SIRIUS:

Secretive, so dark, and more than scary!

 

PRISONERS:

Azkaban Prison – nightmare prison,

 

SIRIUS:

Waiting here to swallow the unwary!

 

(Some prisoners step forward: the Lestranges are among them)

 

SIRIUS:

Dreams were not enough to win that war,

 

LESTRANGES:

And we were always keeping score,

The Ministry had no idea!

 

SIRUS (glaring at them):

That, beneath the smiles, the cost was great,

A generation lost to hate, our whole world

Plunged in mindless fear!

 

PRISONERS:

Azkaban Prison – headline prison!

 

SIRIUS:

Getting here was only the beginning!

 

PRISONERS:

Azkaban Prison – lifetime prison!

 

SIRIUS:

Once you’re here, you have to go on living!

 

(begins to pace, his voice growing bitter)

They thought I’d sold out – Peter had sold out!

He’s still alive – and he’s enjoying

Comfortable quarters, regular rations,

24 hour, 5 star room service!

 

BELLATRIX:

Oh but dear cousin, it was all your fault,

You were the one who told them to change it!

Now you’re in prison –

 

SIRIUS:

Clinging on grimly to my sanity!

(tossed over his shoulder to Bellatrix)

Well, I’m a Black!

 

(Bellatrix sneers and steps back into the shadows)

 

SIRIUS:

Our world’s hardly changed over the years

Since those great wizard pioneers

Founded their famous school of magic.

Seemed a great idea – but not for long,

Eventually it all went wrong,

No unity, it’s all so tragic!

 

PRISONERS:

Azkaban Prison, lifeless prison,

 

SIRIUS:

Devoid of any positive emotion

 

PRISONERS:

Azkaban Prison, brutal prison,

 

SIRIUS:

Hell on earth, surrounded by an ocean!

 

They placed my cousin next to me – what a joke!

 

BELLATRIX:
It’s not like we have the slightest thing in common!

 

SIRIUS (softer):

But now I can escape, cause they don’t know

That I’m a dog – he’s gotta go!

I won’t let him hurt my godson…

 

PRISONERS:

Azkaban Prison, ruthless prison,

 

SIRIUS:

Destination for the stony-hearted;

 

PRISONERS:

Azkaban Prison, lethal prison!

 

SIRIUS:

I have not forgotten how this started!

Farewell to Azkaban!

 

(He transforms into a dog and disappears into the shadows)