Disclaimer: since Iím not rich, I donít know how the
series will end, Iíve no daughter and Iím not called JKR, I suppose I donít own
my beta-reader,† great Felina Black!
That time of the night, of the month, when I and you
meet and you pitilessly and cruelly take my body, stealing my most precious
thing: my humanity. Itís night as when the other werewolf bit me, linking my
existence with yours, Moony. Do you remember the first time? I, Iíll never stop
having nightmares about that pain, about my childish cry, about my parentís
fearÖIíve spent my life fighting against you, against your rage, your
implacable hate of all human beings. And Iíve always lost.
Until them. Do you remember them, Moony?† The dog. The stag. The rat. Your friends. My
friends. They made you acceptable, the pain you brought to my body bearable. I
even thought I was lucky of sharing with you my body, because having this
monstrous nature gave me my greatest gift: I wasnít alone anymore.
The truth is I wasnít the only one that shared the
body with you: Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail all shared their bodies with you.
And you were happy, Moony, just as me.
HappinessÖCenturies seem to have passed from our last
run into the Forest. Ages seem to have passed from the last time I was
happyÖfrom the last time I saw my last friendÖ†
And now you and I, Moony, are alone again, enemies as
when I was a child, opposite of a single coin, sadness and pain the only
feelings we share. A cursed man and his curse.
We both died when our friends died.
Itís night James.
Night as when we all ran into the Forbidden Forest.
Night as when you and Sirius walked through Hogwartsí corridors, under your
cloak, in search of adventure, without caring about my advice or school rules. Night
as when you died.
Why, James? Why am I allowed to live this hopeless and
cursed sort of life while you arenít?
Why am I allowed to see your son, while you canít? Ah,
if you could see him, JamesÖ
If you could see his expression-your expression-when
he smiles to his friends or when he flies, as well as you used toÖ
If you could just see his eyes-Lilyís eyes-and lose
yourself in them and the memories they bringÖ††
Ah, James, you had the strength to react, the strength
I now have not. You could give Harry what I can not.
I know what youíd want from me, James, what youíd say.
Youíd say I am the right person to raise Harry, to be for him what you and
Sirius canít be anymore. Youíd order me to stand up and fight the darkness, to
stand by Harry and be his guardian and guide instead of you. Youíd say Iíd be
as good as you could ever be.
No, James. I wonít ever be for Harry what you and
Sirius had been or could have been. I donít have your energy, I donít have the
strength to react and fight for the Order as well as youíd have done. I can
just teach Harry what I know, I can just be for him a shadow of what you could
have been. Because I am a shadow, James, the shadow of a man died long ago,
along with his friends.
Itís night Peter.
Night as when you pressed the wood on the Whomping
Willow to let the others enter the Shrieking Shack. Night as when we swore our
friendship would always be indestructible, pure, uncontaminated. Night as when
you contaminated it.
Why, Peter? Didnít we always protect you? When did you
start thinking of us as enemies? What made you betray us? What kind of darkness
devoured you? Why didnít you talk with us? We would have understood everything.
We would have done everything for our Peter.
But tell meÖdid the Peter you showed us ever exist?
Because he still has a place in our heart. You still have a place in our heart,
Peter. And the place you have is the place you had when you really were alive.
But you actually were the first to die. You died the
night you betrayed our friendship.
And then your betrayal killed us, every one of us. Our
friendship wasnít mean to be broken: our lives were bound to it, as our hopes
I donít know if you will be able or will want to be
able to live again, Peter. I donít care now. I canít care now.
I only know that your betrayal killed me, Peter,
putting a silver dagger in my heart that†
continues to bleed even now that I am dead.
Itís night, Sirius.
Night as the endless night you saw for years as
the† prisoner you should never had been,
in a prison nobody should have built. Night as when you proved to me your
innocence and gave me the gift of two more years of life.
That night of two years ago, at the Shrieking Shack,
for a moment, I was happy because we were all together again. You, tired but
innocent; Peter, evil but alive; James, dead but reborn in Harry; and me,
mindful of life again with my friendsí return. It was one of the happiest
moments of my life. Now I see that it was a fool emotion, but Iím glad I felt
happiness a last time beforeÖwhat happened after.
Donít ask me to remember what happened after that
night, Sirius. Donít ask me to remember that night at the Department of
That night contains the greatest and scariest and most
powerful truth of my life: the truth that when you fell through that veil, I
came with you.
I died for the second time when you died for the
second time, my dear SiriusÖ
Itís night my friends.
Another one of the countless nights Iíve spent alone,
here, waiting for the curse to start.
But I canít give up. Thereís Harry, your hope, my last
hope. You all died for him, we all died for him. I have to stand by him, to let
you - us - live in him. I have to complete what you started. Iím supposed to be
the last one of the Marauders, the last who can do what the Marauders wanted.
But, as Iíve said to you, I am not. Iím dead as well
as you. Itís just that I canít leave. I have a body and I have to carry on. For
What can I say? Iím doing my best. Sometimes, with
Harry, who contains all your hearts and my heart, I feel memories of life.
Sometimes, with him, I dare to be happy. And live.
Iíll carry on, even if I donít know what will happen,
how darkness will fail- because Harry will succeed. He has the heart of the
Marauders. Iíll carry on even if I donít know what the world will become.†
But when itís night and I feel the convulsions of my
curse, I just wish I did not have to be here, alone, fighting the wolf we once