The Sugar Quill
Author: 7Snorkacks Live  Story: Oh, how clichéd  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

Hey everybody

Hey everybody! I was listening to music in my room (and singing along) when suddenly this really great idea struck me. I’m writing it down because great ideas strike me about as much as lighting does. Anyway, my idea is as followed: there are so many overused plotlines in Harry Potter fan fiction, but people still seem to love them. So I am going to combine all of them and create the best fic in the world! See? Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! Okay…y’all can stop laughing now.


I’m going to write it anyways. Here goes nothing. So much for my great ideas…






Harry Potter was sitting at his aunt and uncle’s house feeling extremely bored, extremely angry, extremely angsty, and extremely susceptible to plot devices. He was sitting in his room twirling his quill with his very muscular arms. They were muscular because he had been sneaking in to Dudley’s weight room in the middle of the night making him more buff and more susceptible to plot devices involving Ginny He sighed, still feeling bored; he had not heard from his friends or anybody in the magical world for plot reasons unknown to him.



That night at dinner the Dursleys had an announcement to make.



Vernon: I have an announcement to make.

Dudley: what an ann-ann-oused-ments?

Petunia: It means your father is going to do something stupid that will allow someone form the magic world to come to our house, sweetums.

Dudley: Oh!

Vernon: We, minus Harry, are going on a vacation to France!

Petunia: See?

Harry: So I will be home all alone?

Vernon: Yes, don’t break anything, or I break you.

Harry: (suddenly on mood swing) Whatever.



The Dursleys departed, leaving a bored, angsty, angry, plot susceptible Harry behind. He was just about to fix himself a peanut butter and banana sandwich when who should burst in but Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and other various characters.



“Hermione! Ron! Ginny! Other vari—Ginny!” he said again, because over the summer Ginny had transformed into a gorgeous cross between Lindsey Lohan and J-Lo. So had Hermione, only instead of Linsdey Lohan, Rachel Stevens had been mixed with J-Lo. And plus, only Ron is allowed to gape at Hermione.



Anyway, Harry momentarily lost the ability to speak (or be a productive member of society at all) as he gazed in wonder at the beautiful Ginny.



“What’s wrong Harry? Do I have a flobberworm on my face?” Ginny quipped because after all this is post-book five and, as we all know, she now has a personality.



Hermione spared Harry from answering this question by saying, “It’s so good to see you Harry! Did you get your O.W.L. results yet? I did! I scored so high they made me the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! Looks like I won’t last to book seven!”



Harry was too transfixed by Ginny’s flowing red locks to tell Hermione that he had indeed scored enough OWLs to become an Auror.  But that’s okay, because Hermione was still talking.



“We were bored at the Weasley’s so we decided to come visit you! How are you by the way? I hope you’re well! Are you?”



Gahhh….” Harry just drooled over Ginny.



“Great! Well we all brought our swimsuits on the off chance that the Dursley’s had a pool put in over the summer!”



Realizing that the Dursleys would be seriously ticked off if he got saliva all over the carpet, Harry composed himself.



“As a matter of fact they did have a pool installed. Hey, why don’t we go swimming?” Harry suggested.



“That’s a great idea Harry! I never would have thought of that!” exclaimed Ginny. Harry felt weak in the knees.



“You know, I met your neighbor, Mrs. Figgs. She really likes me! She loves cats. She said I should start feeding Crookshanks wet cat food instead of dry…I wonder how she knew I had a cat?”



“Huh, what?” Harry said, because after all, Ginny was still within a 2-mile radius of him.






Harry and Ron came out back wearing their swim trunks to see Hermione and Ginny waiting by the pool slathering on sunscreen. Ginny was wearing a two piece because of her new daring personality. Hermione was also wearing a two piece that was modest enough to be “Hermione” but showed just enough skin to have the same effect on Ron’s nervous system as snake venom.



 The boys were so busy not staring that they tripped right into the pool. The girls giggled at their clumsiness.  Or maybe they giggled because they were on their second bottle of ‘Butterbeer Extra’. Anyway, they got the music pumping and soon Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and other various characters had a really hot party going.  Hermione was chatting with Mark Evans while Ron stared jealously on.



“Wow, Mark! You have the most stunning green eyes! They look vaguely familiar!”



“Thank you!” said the unsuspecting “Muggle”.



Suddenly, out of the middle of the pool, came a huge water jet! It swirled and spiraled in the pool, scooping up and tossing out swimmers like leaves caught in the cleaning net. The teens ran and screamed hurrying to get themselves, their friends, and their designer sunglasses out of the way of the watery fireworks. From the depths of the whirlwind of water came a sinister laugh.



“Mwa ha ha ha! MWA ha ha ha! MWA HA HA HA!” it shrieked. From the middle of the vertical flood  rose none other than…LORD VOLDEMORT!



Neville: No! Not Lord Voldemort!


Yes! Lord VOLDEMORT! The dark lord directed his wand at Harry and shot a green light at him. We all know what that means.



Neville: Go?



No, it’s a killing curse. So, go on. Go do what you have to do Neville.



Neville: Do I have to?



Yes! You’re the compassionate, underdog, hero so you have to! Neville sighed and said in a voice full of compassionate-underdog-hero-ness:



“Stop! I won’t let you kill him!” and with that he jumped in front of Harry thereby blocking the curse and saving Harry, but frying himself. Hermione screamed dramatically and ran to Neville with Ron, but Lord Voldemort directed a purple light from his wand at the two, and they vanished!



Harry finally did something, saying, “You can’t do that to my friends! I’ll get you for this!” He pulled out his wand when Voldemort grabbed Ginny and held her up as a shield. Harry put his wand down, his eyes widening in terror at the sight of Ginny in peril.



“Oh no!” he yelped, “You must have found out that Ginny is my one true love and weakness! I have avoided a relationship with her so no harm would come to her but you must have found out my true feelings for and are using it against me anyway!”



Apparently the boy has not seen Spiderman 2 yet.



“Actually I just grabbed the first person I could reach.” Voldemort said thoughtfully, “But that works too.”









I bet you’re wondering where Ron and Hermione are. They had been transported into the infamous cupboard under the stairs where Harry used to sleep, and the door had been locked. They were both in there. Together. All alone. With no one unexpectedly bursting in on them. How ever will they pass the time until their rescue?






Back at the pool…



“So wait a minute,” Harry said confused, sitting on the edge of the diving board swinging his feet, “You and my mum were in love before my dad?”


“Correct,” said Lord Voldemort, lounging in a floaty toy.



“And you had a kid?”






“That kid?” Harry asked, pointing to Mark Evans who had been tied up behind the Teiki bar moments before.



“I believe that’s him, he never came over to my house for the weekend much,” Voldemort said, sipping a drink.



“So we’re really half-brothers?”



Voldemort thought about it. “Yes I believe that would be so. You would have been my son but Jo made you look too much like James for Fanfic writers to make you mine, although some have tried.”



“Huh,” said Harry. “Who knew?”



Certainly not I Harry. Certainly not I.






Meanwhile in the closet…






Hermione: OH NO YOU DIDN’T!

Ron: YES! I DID!








Back at the pool Harry and Voldemort were just warming up their wands for a good old-fashioned duel.



“Fool!” shrieked Voldemort gleefully. “How do you, a teen, expect to beat me! The greatest wizard in the world!”



“Well I’ve done it five times before, and I think we’ve gone over this whole ‘greatest wizard in the world’ thing—”



Voldemort took Harry’s criticisms as a chance to shoot about a million beams of light at him. But to his, and the readers’, astonishment Harry blocked the spells! He lives to see one more quidditch match!



“Ha!” cried the quite unscathed Harry, “I can take you! I have become the youngest Auror in history! They made me one just last week! I might even drop out of school and roam the countryside kicking Death Eater butt from now on—”



“You must have become smarter than your bratty little friend Herm-whatever for them to do that!”



“Nah, It’s ‘cuz I’m Harry Potter.”




“And he’s not alone!” Shouted a very undead voice. It was Sirius! Alive and very much kicking!



Tears of euphoria began to pour down the young wizard’s face. “Sirius!” he cried. “You’re alive! But how?”



“All you had to do was push the veil aside! There I would have been!” the godfather said, understandably a little angry.



“Oh,” Harry replied, feeling stupid. “Well, I wasn’t an auror then!”



“It doesn’t matter, what matters is defeating him!” Sirius snarled looking at Voldemort.  The dark lord gave a nasty grin and the three wizards raised their wands. At the same time Harry and Voldemort shot rather impressive green lights at each other. The beams collided and a dazzling burst of smaller gold beams exploded all huggermugger from the two wands. They shot around breaking glass, burning wood, and wreaking havoc in general.



Harry looked at his godfather, who gave him a you’re-on-your-own-kid look before giving him a you-can-do-it, encouraging look.



Wingardium Leviosa!” The-Boy-Who-Was-At-The-Moment-Living cried. The gold beams immediately snapped to his attention. Harry directed them to Voldemort, who realized a second too late what he was going  to do. He tried to flee (Hey! No running by the pool!) but tripped over a pool toy. The beams instantly wound themselves around him, tapering his limbs to his side. They squeezed harder and harder until—






Voldie and the golden light exploded into a million little pieces of Dark Lord confetti. A cheer swept throughout the once awe-struck crowed of pool- partiers. Harry grinned and cheered with the rest of them before abandoning all images of masculinity and throwing himself into a hug with Sirius. Someone turned on the music and untied Mark Evans, and soon a full-blown celebration was going. The Dark Lord was gone, if there was ever a reason to knock back a second bottle of butterbeer extra, this was it.



“Wait a minute,” Harry said, momentarily concerned, “Where are Ron and Hermione?”



Good question Harry…






Back in closet…



Ron: **Snogs Hermione frantically** I love you ‘Mione!

Hermione: **Snogs Ron frantically** I love you too!



Come on, they had to pass the time somehow didn’t they?







A/N-You liked? No? Yes? See that little form at the bottom, fill it out! How did I do on the Rachel Stevens thing? Is it painfully obvious that I am American and have no idea who the Brits are lovin’ these days? Any suggest for the gorgeous-frankenstein-Hermione mix? Oh, and if you have used these plots before, don’t take it personally. ‘Cuz I’m only having a little fun.


And I’d Take Ron and Hermione locked in a closet any day.


Here is the list of all the clichéd plots I used:


Ron getting jealous of Viktor

Voldemort Harry’s father

Neville dies (they seem to kill him off a lot! Is it just me?)

R/H locked in together. How ever will they pass the time?

Harry an Auror at age 16

Mark Evans related to Harry

Sirius is alive (sorry people, not going to happen)

Butterbeer extra (self-explanatory)

Everyone comes back from the summer looking gorgeous(Extreme Magic-over?)

Ron, Ginny, Hermione come over for summer after Dursleys go on vacation

Ron gives Hermione pet name (ex. ‘Mione, Hermy)

Harry is the only one who can kill Voldemort

Crookshanks is really Mrs. Figgs

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