Hey everybody! I was listening to
music in my room (and singing along) when suddenly this really great idea
struck me. I’m writing it down because great ideas strike me about as much as
lighting does. Anyway, my idea is as followed: there are so many overused
plotlines in Harry Potter fan fiction, but people still seem to love them. So I
am going to combine all of them and create the best fic in the world! See?
Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! Okay…y’all can stop laughing now.
I’m going to write it anyways.
Here goes nothing. So much for my great ideas…
Harry Potter was sitting at his
aunt and uncle’s house feeling extremely bored, extremely angry, extremely
angsty, and extremely susceptible to plot devices. He was sitting in his room
twirling his quill with his very muscular arms. They were muscular because he
had been sneaking in to Dudley’s weight room in the middle of the night making
him more buff and more susceptible to plot devices involving Ginny He sighed, still feeling bored; he had not heard from his friends or
anybody in the magical world for plot reasons unknown to him.
That night at dinner the Dursleys
had an announcement to make.
Vernon: I have an announcement to
Dudley: what an ann-ann-oused-ments?
Petunia: It means your father is
going to do something stupid that will allow someone form the magic world to
come to our house, sweetums.
Vernon: We, minus Harry, are
going on a vacation to France!
Harry: So I will be home all
Vernon: Yes, don’t break
anything, or I break you.
Harry: (suddenly on mood swing)
The Dursleys departed, leaving a bored, angsty, angry, plot susceptible Harry behind. He
was just about to fix himself a peanut butter and banana sandwich when who should burst in but Hermione, Ron,
Ginny, and other various characters.
“Hermione! Ron! Ginny! Other vari—Ginny!” he said again, because over the summer Ginny had transformed into a gorgeous
cross between Lindsey Lohan and J-Lo. So had
Hermione, only instead of Linsdey Lohan,
Rachel Stevens had been mixed with J-Lo. And plus, only Ron is allowed to gape
Anyway, Harry momentarily lost
the ability to speak (or be a productive member of society at all) as he gazed
in wonder at the beautiful Ginny.
“What’s wrong Harry? Do I have a flobberworm on my face?” Ginny quipped because after all
this is post-book five and, as we all know, she now has a personality.
Hermione spared Harry from
answering this question by saying,
“It’s so good to see you Harry! Did you get your O.W.L.
results yet? I did! I scored so high they made me the new Defense Against the
Dark Arts teacher! Looks like I won’t last to book seven!”
Harry was too transfixed by
Ginny’s flowing red locks to tell Hermione that he had indeed scored enough OWLs to
become an Auror. But that’s okay,
because Hermione was still talking.
“We were bored at the Weasley’s
so we decided to come visit you! How are you by the way? I hope you’re well!
Harry just drooled over Ginny.
“Great! Well we all brought our
swimsuits on the off chance that the Dursley’s had a
pool put in over the summer!”
Realizing that the Dursleys would be seriously ticked off
if he got saliva all over the carpet, Harry composed himself.
“As a matter of fact they did
have a pool installed. Hey, why don’t we go swimming?” Harry suggested.
“That’s a great idea Harry! I
never would have thought of that!” exclaimed Ginny. Harry felt weak in the
“You know, I met your neighbor,
Mrs. Figgs. She really likes me! She loves cats. She
said I should start feeding Crookshanks wet cat food instead of dry…I wonder
how she knew I had a cat?”
“Huh, what?” Harry said, because
after all, Ginny was still within a 2-mile radius of him.
Harry and Ron came out back wearing their swim trunks to see
Hermione and Ginny waiting by the pool slathering on sunscreen. Ginny was
wearing a two piece because of her new daring personality. Hermione was also
wearing a two piece that was modest enough to be “Hermione” but showed just
enough skin to have the same effect on Ron’s nervous system as snake venom.
The boys were so busy not staring that they
tripped right into the pool. The girls giggled at their clumsiness. Or maybe they giggled because they were on
their second bottle of ‘Butterbeer Extra’. Anyway, they got the music pumping
and soon Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and other various characters had a really
hot party going. Hermione was chatting
with Mark Evans while Ron stared jealously on.
“Wow, Mark! You have the most
stunning green eyes! They look vaguely familiar!”
“Thank you!” said the
Suddenly, out of the middle of
the pool, came a huge water jet! It swirled and spiraled in the pool, scooping up and tossing out swimmers
like leaves caught in the cleaning net. The teens ran and screamed hurrying to
get themselves, their friends, and their designer sunglasses out of the way of
the watery fireworks. From the depths of the whirlwind of water came a
“Mwa ha ha ha! MWA ha ha ha! MWA HA HA HA!” it shrieked. From the
middle of the vertical flood rose none
other than…LORD VOLDEMORT!
Neville: No! Not Lord Voldemort!
Yes! Lord VOLDEMORT! The dark
lord directed his wand at Harry and shot a green light at him. We all know what
No, it’s a killing curse. So, go
on. Go do what you have to do Neville.
Neville: Do I have to?
Yes! You’re the compassionate,
underdog, hero so you have to! Neville sighed and said in a voice full
“Stop! I won’t let you kill him!”
and with that he jumped in front of Harry thereby blocking the curse and saving
Harry, but frying himself. Hermione screamed dramatically and ran to Neville
with Ron, but Lord Voldemort directed a purple light from his wand at the two,
and they vanished!
Harry finally did something, saying, “You can’t do that to my
friends! I’ll get you for this!” He pulled out his wand when Voldemort grabbed
Ginny and held her up as a shield. Harry put his wand down, his eyes widening in terror at the sight of Ginny in peril.
“Oh no!” he yelped, “You must
have found out that Ginny is my one true love and weakness! I have avoided a
relationship with her so no harm would come to her but you must have found out
my true feelings for and are using it against me anyway!”
Apparently the boy has not seen Spiderman
“Actually I just grabbed the
first person I could reach.” Voldemort said thoughtfully, “But that works too.”
I bet you’re wondering where Ron
and Hermione are. They had been transported into the infamous cupboard under
the stairs where Harry used to sleep, and the door had been locked. They were
both in there. Together. All alone. With no one unexpectedly bursting in on
them. How ever will they pass the time until their rescue?
Back at the pool…
“So wait a minute,”
Harry said confused, sitting on the
edge of the diving board swinging his feet, “You and my mum were in love before
Lord Voldemort, lounging in a floaty toy.
“And you had a kid?”
“That kid?” Harry asked,
pointing to Mark Evans who had been tied up behind the Teiki
bar moments before.
“I believe that’s him, he never came over to my house for
the weekend much,” Voldemort said, sipping a drink.
“So we’re really half-brothers?”
Voldemort thought about it. “Yes I believe that would be so. You would have been my son but
Jo made you look too much like James for Fanfic
writers to make you mine, although some have tried.”
“Huh,” said Harry. “Who knew?”
Certainly not I Harry. Certainly not I.
Meanwhile in the closet…
Ron: OH GREAT! NOW WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT BLOODY VIKTOR
KRUM AND THAT BLOODY BALL AGAIN!
Hermione: WELL IF YOU HADN’T BEEN SUCH AN IGNORANT PRAT—
Ron: WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU LIKED PRATS! AFTER ALL, YOU
WENT TO THE BALL WITH ONE!
Hermione: OH NO YOU DIDN’T!
Ron: YES! I DID!
Hermione: YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS OF VIKTOR!
Ron: JEALOUS! WHY ON EARTH WOULD I BE JEALOUS OF HIM!
Back at the pool Harry and Voldemort were just warming up
their wands for a good old-fashioned duel.
“Fool!” shrieked Voldemort gleefully. “How do you, a teen,
expect to beat me! The greatest wizard in the world!”
“Well I’ve done it five times before, and I think we’ve gone
over this whole ‘greatest wizard in the world’ thing—”
Voldemort took Harry’s criticisms as a chance to shoot about
a million beams of light at him. But to his, and the readers’, astonishment
Harry blocked the spells! He lives to see one more quidditch match!
“Ha!” cried the quite unscathed Harry, “I can take you! I
have become the youngest Auror in history! They made me one just last week! I
might even drop out of school and roam the countryside kicking Death Eater butt
from now on—”
“You must have become smarter than your bratty little friend
Herm-whatever for them to do that!”
“Nah, It’s ‘cuz I’m Harry Potter.”
“And he’s not alone!” Shouted a very undead voice. It was
Sirius! Alive and very much kicking!
Tears of euphoria began to pour down the young wizard’s
face. “Sirius!” he cried. “You’re
alive! But how?”
“All you had to do was push the veil aside! There I would
have been!” the godfather said, understandably a little angry.
replied, feeling stupid. “Well, I
wasn’t an auror then!”
“It doesn’t matter, what matters is defeating him!” Sirius
snarled looking at Voldemort. The dark
lord gave a nasty grin and the three wizards raised their wands. At the same
time Harry and Voldemort shot rather impressive green lights at each other. The
beams collided and a dazzling burst of smaller gold beams exploded all
huggermugger from the two wands.
They shot around breaking glass, burning wood, and wreaking havoc in general.
Harry looked at his godfather, who gave him a
you’re-on-your-own-kid look before giving him a you-can-do-it, encouraging
“Wingardium Leviosa!” The-Boy-Who-Was-At-The-Moment-Living cried.
The gold beams immediately snapped to his attention. Harry directed them to
Voldemort, who realized a second too late what he was going to do. He tried to flee (Hey! No running by
the pool!) but tripped over a pool toy. The beams instantly wound themselves
around him, tapering his limbs to his side. They squeezed harder and harder
Voldie and the golden light
exploded into a million little pieces of Dark Lord confetti. A cheer swept
throughout the once awe-struck crowed of pool- partiers. Harry grinned and cheered with the rest of them before abandoning all images of masculinity and throwing himself into a hug with
Sirius. Someone turned on the music and
untied Mark Evans, and soon a full-blown celebration was going. The Dark Lord
was gone, if there was ever a reason to knock back a second bottle of butterbeer
extra, this was it.
“Wait a minute,” Harry said, momentarily concerned, “Where are Ron and Hermione?”
Good question Harry…
Back in closet…
Ron: **Snogs Hermione
frantically** I love you ‘Mione!
Hermione: **Snogs Ron frantically** I love you too!
Come on, they had to pass the time somehow didn’t they?
A/N-You liked? No? Yes? See that little form at the bottom,
fill it out! How did I do on the Rachel Stevens thing? Is it painfully obvious
that I am American and have no idea who the Brits are lovin’
these days? Any suggest for the gorgeous-frankenstein-Hermione
mix? Oh, and if you have used these plots before, don’t take it personally. ‘Cuz I’m only having a little fun.
And I’d Take Ron and Hermione locked in a closet any day.
Here is the list of all the clichéd plots I used:
Ron getting jealous of Viktor
Voldemort Harry’s father
Neville dies (they seem to kill him off a lot! Is it just
R/H locked in together. How ever will they pass the
Harry an Auror at age 16
Mark Evans related to Harry
Sirius is alive (sorry people, not going to happen)
Butterbeer extra (self-explanatory)
Everyone comes back from the summer looking gorgeous(Extreme
Ron, Ginny, Hermione come over for summer after Dursleys go
Ron gives Hermione pet name (ex. ‘Mione,
Harry is the only one who can kill Voldemort
Crookshanks is really Mrs. Figgs