Characters Owned by J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. and
are used without permission or intent to make a profit.
Rating: G for Granger’s Audience, I mean, General Audience
It was a perfectly ordinary morning and a perfectly normal
barn owl delivered what looked like a perfectly normal letter to Ron Weasley’s
wife. Ron poured his morning tea as he studied Hermione’s face. He knew
that smile. She’d just done something exceptionally clever and was feeling
pleased with herself.
“Who’s that from?” he asked casually, as he buttered
“Hm? Oh, it’s from Argus,” Hermione replied absently.
She sipped her tea and smiled as she reread the letter.
“Argus?” Ron questioned. He couldn’t remember any Argus
“Argus Filch,” Hermione elaborated.
“Argus… Filch?” Ron’s eyes went wide.
“You remember, the caretaker at Hogwarts!” Hermione said
a trifle impatiently.
“I know who you mean,” Ron said, holding up his hands
to stop her from saying any more. “I just can’t believe that Filch wrote
to you. What’s he writing about?” He held out his hand for the letter.
Hermione grinned mischievously and held the letter out
of reach. “Jealous?”
Ron snorted. “Of course not. I mean, if a champion seeker
like Krum can’t turn your head, I doubt that Filch will be able
to. I’m curious, that’s all. I’m surprised he even remembers you.” The
look on Hermione’s face made him amend that hastily. “I mean, I’m surprised
that he remembers any particular student.”
Hermione raised an eyebrow and gave him an ironic look.
“He just wanted to thank me for the carpet sweep I sent him last week.”
“Carpet sweep?” Ron asked blankly.
“It’s a Muggle device used to remove dust and debris
from floors,” Hermione explained. “Muggles used them before the invention
of vacuum cleaners.”
Hermione sighed. “Honestly, Ron, you and your father
have dissected enough of my parents’ household appliances; you should
remember what a vacuum cleaner is. Anyway, carpet sweeps don’t use
electricity like vacuum cleaners do, so Argus can use them in the castle…”
“Why did you send Filch a carpet sweeper?” demanded
“Well, he said that students had been using Weasley Sparkle
Wands in the library and that it was hard to get the glitter up. Naturally,
I sent him something…”
“What! You mean to tell me that Filch decided
that since Fred and George are your brothers-in-law that means he could
pester you about the fallout of their…”
Hermione tutted. “Of course not, he just mentioned
the Sparkle Wands in passing. I’m the one who decided that
I should do something about it. It’s not fair to make the poor man’s work
“Mentioned in passing?” Ron’s voice went up a
notch. “Mentioned when?”
“In one of his letters,” Hermione said, becoming more
exasperated by the moment.
“This isn’t the first letter he sent you?” Ron’s
voice went up a little more.
“Obviously not,” Hermione replied. “We’ve written
“You write to Filch!?”
“I try to keep in touch with all of my friends, even
the single, solitary friend that I had in Muggle school,” Hermione’s patience
was fast evaporating.
“You write to FILCH!?”
“Speaking of keeping in touch,” she added peevishly.
“Harry wants to know who chopped your hands off. He says you haven’t owled
him in ages.”
“You WRITE to FILCH!?”
“Well, I don’t find making friends to be easy, so I’ve
got to hang on to the ones that I have,” Hermione scowled. “There, happy?
I admit that there’s something I’m bad at besides Divination.”
“Yes, I mean, no, I mean, I think you’re, well, I guess,
I just never thought of Filch as being a friend!”
Hermione rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Ron!” She stood
up abruptly. “This is ridiculous. I’m going to my study to answer my mail.
I suggest you start answering your mail before you start losing friends!”
“I…” Ron did actually recognize warning signs. He didn’t
always heed them, but this time he decided to quit arguing. He shook his
head, sighed and threw up his hands. “Fine, whatever. Do as you please.”
He snorted. “Next thing I know, you’ll be telling me that you’re corresponding
Hermione almost answered that, but stopped herself and
headed for her study. She made a mental note to warn Severus to stop putting
his return address on his envelopes. There were some things Ron was simply
better off not knowing.
End Notes: This story was inspired by the excellent Filch
stories by Ozma. Check out her Squib chronicles at FanFiction.net to find