AN: I haven’t submitted in a while, I really haven’t come across much inspiration lately.  Senior year’s a toughie, and I’ve got my priorities…

But here’s a little somethin-somethin I did last Christmas, edited and beta-ed to (hopefully) perfection.

Special appreciation to Helen - my savior slash beta, Em, and my brother.

And so, Merry Christmas, one and all.

The Caretaker Who Stole Christmas

By Adele

You're a cruel one, Mr. Filch
You must not have a soul
You're as jolly as a Jarvey
You're as thoughtful as a troll

Mr. Filch

You're a thin-bottomed cauldron
Stained with crusty green mold

You're an ogre, Mr. Filch
You simply cannot love
Your mind is decked with cobwebs
Yes, you’re all of the above
Mr. Filch

I wouldn't tap you with a  

Thirty-nine-and-a-half inch wand


You're a harsh one, Mr. Filch
You’re the worst I’ve ever saw

You’ve got all the mannerisms

Of a Mackled Malaclaw,
Mr. Filch

If I had to waltz with one of you,
I'd prefer the Mackled Malaclaw

You're a foul one, Mr. Filch
You are nothing but a schmuck
You’re as bubbly as a banshee

In other words, “You suck!”
Mr. Filch

Three syllables I’d like to shout at your cat,
Though I’d probably cause discord,

Are “Cru-ci-o”

You're a meanie, Mr. Filch

You have Chizpurfles in your smile
You’re nothing but a nasty

You’re sickeningly vile
Mr. Filch

Your heart is a throbbing mass of unidentifiable rubbish
Extracted from the very depths of the Forbidden Forest

In a pile of Thestral dung
Oozing and goozing and gross

You offend me, Mr. Filch.
Your eyes are dark and cold
You're as welcoming and cuddly
As a nauseous Lethifold,
Mr. Filch

You're a giant batch of Hagrid’s rock cakes

Crammed with rotting dragon livers
Swimming in Polyjuice sauce