The Sugar Quill
Author: JK Ashavah (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: When the World Was Mine  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.


Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the Harry Potter characters, places and situations. The song belongs to Billy Livesey/Wayland Holyfield and is performed by Ronan Keating. As we all know, Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Summary: Sirius to a Ronan Keating song on the night when James and Lily were killed and the day after. A fair bit of angst. Sad/depressing (I'm told).

Author's Note: Hello! Welcome to my first Harry Potter fic. I had, at the time of writing this fic, written some Star Wars ones, but not a Harry Potter. I now have several Harry Potter fics. This is a repost following some suggestions form my beta reader.

It's about Sirius and contains spoilers for all 4 books. PG for a swear word and angst. I had to change a few lyrics to fit the Harry Potter universe. Things enclosed in ~* *~ are flashbacks/memories. Please read and review.

I am particularly interested in whether you like or want to know more about Jorman Bond and the Sandersons, as I am writing a fic in which they appear. And if you want to know what the secrets I mention are, all will be explained in that fic, "The Secret of the Founders' Four" (currently in-progress on this site).

Most importantly of all enjoy! :-)


Thunder boomed through the rain drenched countryside. Flashes of sizzling lightning illuminated the darkened fields and lanes around the village of Lesser West Ingham. Wind whistled through the roofs of the houses, and their occupants huddled in fear before their fireplaces. No one was out that night, for the people of the village, both Muggle and magic, were barricaded in their houses against the storm, the most terrible they could remember. Yet something was moving through the streets of Lesser West Ingham.

In the darkness, a giant black beast stirred. It looked like a dog, but it was huge and ghostly. Its shaggy black coat was drenched from the rain, but this didn't seem to perturb the creature. The dog raised its head, gazing around it as if it was looking for something. It seemed to find it, for it broke into a run.

A flash of lightning tore through the sky and illuminated the spectral creature on the doorstep of number 6, River Drive, one of the few houses with no light visible through the curtains. It scratched at the door. There was no reply from within. The dog paused uncertainly. A moment later, another searing flash of electricity showed no dog, but a tall man, his shoulder length hair dripping. He reached up a hand and banged on the door with terrible force, so strong that a frightened fox was sure a demon had been borne on the wings of the storm.


It never rained, the sun was always shining,

There was no reply. The man glanced at the sky, longing for a reassuring sight of his namesake, Sirius. It was hopeless through the storm. He frowned uncertainly, and knocked again. Still there was no movement from within the house, no sign that anyone had heard him.

A cold terror gripped at Sirius Black's heart. He desperately tried the doorknob. It wouldn't turn. He fumbled inside his black robes and pulled out his wand.

"Alohomora!" he cried.

The door burst open and Sirius ran inside. He looked around. It was totally dark. The panic inside the wizard's stomach heightened. Something was terribly wrong. Where was Peter? He pointed his wand at the fireplace and muttered something. The next instant, bright orange flames were burning there.

Nothing seemed out of place, but Peter was nowhere to be seen. Sirius now felt panic totally overwhelm him and he looked madly around, then ran through each of the rooms, searching them for Peter. He should be here. He had said he wouldn't leave, that he would stay here and keep the secret of where the Potters were hiding safe.

Peter was responsible for Lily and James' safety - where was he? Peter was all that stood between sirius' best friends and the terrible Lord Voldemort  He should be here, he should have written to say what was happening ...

If something had gone wrong, it would all be Sirius' fault. It was he who had told the Potters to use Peter instead of him. He looked around in panic, uncertain of what to do. Had Peter been taken by Voldemort? But there was no sign of a struggle.

Sirius' eyes fell on a desk, where there was a piece of parchment with an unfinished letter. It was addressed to him.

Maybe it would be better if James used me as his Secret-Keeper. You are a very obvious choice, as

There the letter broke off, but Sirius had seen enough. Peter had wanted to be Secret-Keeper. He was gone. There was no sign of a struggle. There was only one conclusion to be made.

Peter had betrayed them, and Sirius had made the worst mistake of his life.

And none of my mistakes were ever seen.

Sirius raced out of Peter's house, not bothering to take the time to transform into a dog, not caring if anyone saw him.  He ran to the woods outside the village, where a giant motorbike stood. He swung his leg over the machine and the engine roared into life. The motorbike lifted into the sky and Sirius steered it madly towards Godric's Hollow, oblivious to the storm, not bothering to wonder if his anti-lightning spell had worked.

He usually loved flying, but he couldn't enjoy it now, his fear for his best friend was too great. He had the most terrible feeling that no matter what he did, he would be too late. He could only hope.

Sirius cursed himself silently. How many times had his mistakes been overlooked? How often had his carefree antics brought others into danger? Nothing had ever come of it, but it had to one day. Sirius somehow knew it was today.

He had told Severus Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow as a stupid joke. James had saved him then, by pulling Snape back. Snape or James could have died, and it would have been Sirius' fault.

In Care of Magical Creatures class, he had accidentally lost control of a Caniave because he hadn't tied it up properly. The creature had almost killed Raven Sanderson. James had caught it at the last moment, saving Sirius again.

So now that Sirius had made his worst mistake, it would be James who was in danger.

There was a time when every door was open.

How long had Peter been gone when Sirius arrived? Too long, too long, too long. The thought ran through Sirius' mind over and over. Peter would have gone straight to Voldemort, and Voldemort would go to Godric's Hollow  to find the Potters. He would kill James and Lily and their son, Harry, Sirius' godson. What chance would they stand? They were unprepared, they couldn't know.

Sirius urged the motorbike forward, willing it to go faster, but he felt as if a door was slamming in his face. He had always been able to do something before to help, but now he was useless. He had helped to win the Quidditch Cup, helped Raven to save Anita, Raven's twin sister, from the Death Eaters, but he couldn't stop his own best friend being murdered.

Sirius was brought out of his thoughts by a glimpse of the lights of Godric's Hollow. He flew down towards the village and saw something that seemed to confirm his worst fears.

There was a house on the edge of the village. It was in ruins.

Sirius landed beside it, hoping that he was wrong. He approached the blackened ruins, braced himself, and stepped inside.

He would never forget what he saw then. James lay spread-eagled on the floor, his eyes open. Sirius rushed to his side and felt for a pulse, knowing it was useless. He had seen this once before, and he recognised the signs of Avada Kedavra.

A dry sob escaped Sirius' throat. He glanced up and saw Lily lying a few metres away in the doorway, her skin snow-white, and her green eyes wide and terrified. Harry was nowhere to be seen.

Sirius felt sick. He had done this. It was all his fault. He took James' head in his arms, and he couldn't stop the tears. They flowed from his eyes, just as the rainwater flowed from his hair and his robes onto James' still face.

"W-Who's there?"

Sirius looked up. Standing in the doorway with a small bundle in his arms was the gigantic Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts.

"H-Hagrid," Sirius mumbled.

Hagrid walked slowly over to him.

"Sirius," he said softly. "Yeh-yeh found out."

Sirius nodded numbly, unable to stop the tears from flowing. His life had fallen down around him in the short space of a few hours.

And the Universe was mine, or so it seemed.

"S-S'all righ' Sirius," Hagrid said gently, but there were tears in his eyes. He began sobbing. "I-I'm sorry," he said, wiping his face on his shoulder.

Sirius did nothing, he just sat there in shock. Hagrid grabbed his arm and helped him stand. He leaned against Hagrid, trembling.

"S'all righ'," the huge man said again, patting Sirius' shoulder through his own tears. Sirius began to sob again. Hagrid didn't say anything, partly because of his own apparent grief. Lily and James had been loved and would be missed by many. Sirius just cried.

When Sirius finally stopped sobbing, he looked at the bundle in Hagrid's arms. It was little Harry Potter.

"Harry?" he sad weakly. "How?"

Hagrid shook his head.

"Some'ow when You-Know-Who tried ter kill him, he couldn'. Don' know how, but it got You-Know-Who instead."
Sirius stared blankly  at Harry, who lay quietly despite the huge gash across his forehead. He couldn't know that his parents were dead. Voldemort had killed James and Lily, but somehow Harry had survived. And Voldemort was gone? It was all too overwhelming for Sirius to contemplate.

"W-What's going to happen to him?" he finally asked weakly.

"He's goin' to his aunt an' uncle's."

Sirius' eyes widened. Vernon and Petunia Dursley were Muggles of the worst kind. Harry was all he had left. He couldn't let him go off to live with Muggles.

"Give him to me, Hagrid, I'm his godfather, I'll look after him."

"No, Dumbledore said he's to go ter his aunt an' uncle's."

"But they're Muggles!" Sirius cried. "James and Lily appointed me his legal guardian!"

"Orders are orders, an' he's goin' to his aunt an' uncle's." Hagrid remained determined.

It was no use. Sirius gave up. He didn't have the will to argue.

"Take him," he said softly. "Take my motorbike. You'll get there quicker. I won't need it anymore."

Hagrid hesitated, then went outside. Sirius followed him.

"Can I say good bye?" Sirius asked quietly. Hagrid nodded. Sirius bent down to Harry and kissed his cheek. "Good bye Harry," he said softly.
"I'm sorry I couldn't do better for you."

Sirius watched as Hagrid flew off. There went the last symbol of when he had had the Universe at his feet.

"Good bye Harry."

Sirius turned and went back inside.

In every match we had the best seven.

He knelt beside James, remembering all the things they had done together- how they had won the Quidditch Cup in their seventh year. The world had been his. He could have had it all - friendship, success, love ...

He had had it all ...

~*It was the middle of the last term of James and Sirius' final year at Hogwarts, and the Quidditch final between Gryffindor and Slytherin was about to start. The Marauders and their friends were gathered around the breakfast table. It wouldn't be long before James would call the Gryffindor team into the changing rooms, but for the moment, they were attempting to have breakfast, although no one was eating.

Sirius, who was a Gryffindor Beater, was full of nervous energy, telling jokes in a high-pitched voice. James (the Seeker) was refusing to eat the food Lily had piled onto his plate, and she was trying to coax him into accepting it.

"Look James, sausages. Please ..."

Remus Lupin was sitting silently, slightly detached from the rest, laughing at Sirius' jokes to make him feel better, while Peter Pettigrew just sat. Even the black haired, aloof Raven Sanderson (the other Beater) was laughing at Sirius' jokes, purely out of nerves, for he normally looked down his long nose at  the Marauder's antics. The other Gryffindors were trying to ignore the fact that there was a member of another house at their table. Sandy haired Anita Sanderson, Raven's twin sister and a Ravenclaw, sat with her arm around Sirius' shoulder, partly to calm him down and partly to keep him firmly attached to his seat. No one knew what havoc Sirius might create in his current nervous state if he were allowed to leave the table.

"TEAM!" James announced, standing up. "Changing rooms!"

Anita kissed Sirius on the cheek and whispered encouragingly in his ear before returning to the Ravenclaw table. Sirius shot out of his chair and he, James, Raven and the other Gryffindor team members headed towards the changing rooms.

That it would ever end never crossed my mind

Gryffindor were in the lead, but Slytherin were gaining.  The Slytherin Chasers were still snickering about the penalty they had been awarded and the reprimand Sirius had received after he had 'accidentally' belted a Bludger into the stands, where, due to his excellent aim, it had broken Lucius Malfoy's nose. Malfoy, who had graduated from Hogwarts already, had been 'watching his cousin (the Slytherin Captain) play'. James and Sirius had suspected foul play, and James had grinned when the well aimed Bludger had hit him.

"You should've hit it harder!" he yelled, grinning as he flew past Sirius, keeping his eyes open for the Snitch.  His face suddenly fell. "Uh, oh. Help me Padfoot," he whispered.

Sirius flew over to him.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Look past Bond," James whispered.

The Snitch was floating over the Slytherin goal posts. The only problem was that Jorman Bond XXIV, the Slytherin Seeker and Captain, was between James and the ball. Sirius nodded grimly, then began to fly towards Bond. A Bludger came flying towards him. He hit it hard towards the Slytherin. It missed Bond's nose by less than an inch, grabbing his attention and focusing it on Sirius.

"What do you think you're doing, Black?" Bond yelled angrily. Behind him, Sirius could see James speeding towards the Snitch.

"Sorry, I thought you were Avery!" he yelled back, referring to one of the Slytherin Chasers. Bond scowled and surveyed the pitch, mistaking the wide grin on Sirius' face for glee at his comeback.

"He's seen the Snitch!" came a cry from the crowd.

Bond looked around, saw James, shot a furious glare at Sirius, and sped off, but it was too late. The Snitch was caught. The stadium exploded in cheers.

I was flying higher than the heavens

"Terrific diversionary tactics by Sirius Black and James Potter lead to a GRYFFINDOR VICTORY,  TWO HUNDRED POINTS TO FORTY!"  screamed the commentator, Oliver Rogerson of Ravenclaw.

The Gryffindor team landed and was immediately hoisted onto the shoulders of a sea of red clad people.

"You did it!" Anita screamed, her usually pale face flushed, and a huge grin on her face. Lily, Remus and Peter cheered and hugged their fellow Gryffindors. Professor McGonagall wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

Sirius and James grinned at each other across the celebrating crowd of Gryffindor supporters.

Jorman Bond could be seen arguing with Professor Malfience, Head of Slytherin house. Malfience was yelling something about taunting Beaters rather than looking for Snitches.

It was perfect.

The party lasted well into the night. Somehow in the midst of the celebrations on the Quidditch pitch, Lily, her friend Arabella Cartier, Remus, Peter and Padraig "Paddy" Connolly, Raven's best friend, sneaked off. Lily, Arabella and Paddy went to Gryffindor Tower, and Remus and Peter to the kitchens. They had surprised the team with a party when they arrived.

Everyone was grinning. Sirius felt like he'd never be unhappy again.*~

He was wrong.

Back when the world was mine

Everything had been so perfect then. It had taken weeks to come down from the high of winning the Quidditch Cup. Sirius had floated through the corridors for at least two weeks. He had been so happy and everything he could ever need was there for the taking.  Now it was gone.
He just hadn't seen it when he had it.

Fresh tears rolled down Sirius' face. The weather seemed to commiserate with him. The rain continued to pour down outside, as the tears poured down his face.

Sometimes a man can't see,
When he has it all,
Take a look at me,
Oh, how the mighty fall,

Why hadn't he seen how much he had when he had it? It seemed so bitterly ironic that Sirius had only noticed what he had once he had lost it. Harry was such a lovely child, Lily was such a good friend and James ... His friendship had meant so much. There had been good chances of a fulfilling career, maybe even of marriage for Sirius himself, and there had been four great friends - James, Sirius, Remus and Peter.
Now one of them was a traitor, another dead, the other two left to deal with their grief.

The mighty had fallen, James into death, Peter into betrayal, Remus into loneliness and Sirius into a terrible grief. He felt as though a piece had been torn from his heart. James, who had been his best friend ever since they first met, was dead.
Could he ever be whole again?

Once I ruled the Earth,
 Once upon a time,
When I was your friend,
That's when the world was mine.

Everything had gone terribly wrong. They had always sort of thought themselves invincible, the four pranksters who had been the entertainment of the students and the bane of the teachers at Hogwarts. They weren't, they never had been, they were just incredibly lucky.

Until now. This was so symbolic of all that had been happening. Now that his best friend was murdered, Sirius had nothing left.

Sirius wiped his sleeve across his face and looked up through a hole in the ruined roof to the stormy sky. He had no idea how long he had been here. Where was Peter now? The lying, traitorous piece of filth.

A sudden rage filled Sirius. Peter had done this. Peter would pay. He would probably be trying to track down Remus, and maybe to turn him against Sirius. The village where Remus was hiding wasn't terribly far away, but it was a long way to run. Sirius didn't stop to think that it was impossible, the fire that now burned within him was too fierce to give up. He stood and looked back at James and Lily.

"Good bye, my friends. Farewell, Prongs."

With that, he turned and left.

Oh, the changes I'd make if I had the power,

The fire inside Sirius drove him onwards through the rain. Peter had destroyed everything. How could Sirius have ever trusted him? Everything was his fault, everything since it had all started to go downhill ...

The first true sign that everything was going wrong for the Phoenixes, Dumbledore's Knights of the Round Table, was when Raven Sanderson had been betrayed and murdered. Someone had told Voldemort the Sanderson twins' secret, so Voldemort had decided that it was essential Raven or Anita be killed. Anita had been tortured, Raven had tried to save her, but it hadn't worked. Jorman Bond, the Death Eater involved, had turned his wand on him. Sirius had arrived a moment too late to save Raven's life.

No one had known how the Sandersons had been betrayed. Now Sirius was sure it had been Peter. And Peter would have told Voldemort about James' secret, so now James was dead.

Sirius transformed into a dog, not stopping to think that he Death Eaters would now know his secret too. His fury gave him tremendous energy and he ran through the night to the village where Remus was hiding. The storm blew itself out and the dawn was clear and bright, but Sirius didn't notice it.

He stopped only to drink briefly at a stream swollen by the storm. Then he realised ...

Lily and James hadn't told anyone they were going to use Peter as their Secret-Keeper, at Sirius' insistence. It would be much safer, he had reasoned, but now it meant that everyone would think that Sirius, not Peter, was the traitor. So Peter, having discredited Sirius, would then try to kill Remus and destroy the only remaining Marauder.

Sirius set off at a mad run. He had to get there in time, he had made so many mistakes that he wished he could change, but now he had a chance to save someone. He only hoped that he wouldn't ruin this too.

All he cared about was stopping Peter. If he arrived too late, Peter would have killed Remus. Sweet, kind Remus. How anyone could do that was beyond Sirius, but he knew that was what Peter had in mind.

Wait until he got his hands on that rat ...

How could I have had so much and been so blind?

It was mid-morning by the time Sirius arrived in Remus' village. It was a Muggle village, but there seemed to be a lot of wizards talking in huddles. Sirius passed close to them, trying to catch what they were saying.

Many of them were celebrating what looked like Lord Voldemort's downfall. Of course. Sirius had forgotten. He was too caught up in grief and fury to celebrate. He didn't think he would ever be able to.

Snatches of conversation drifted towards him.

"Gone ..."

"Harry Potter ..."

"Lily and James ..."

"Betrayed. By Sirius Black ..."

Sirius ignored these last words, and his eyes drifted, searching for Peter. He caught a glimpse of Anita Sanderson, who opened her mouth as if to accuse him, but Sirius wasn't watching. He had seen Peter, and ran towards him.

He was turning into a side street. Sirius ran in front of him, blocked his way and turned back into a human.

"Sirius," Peter said cooly.

"How dare you?" Sirius growled at him. "Your best friends? No, wait, I know. You're a foul, lying traitor!"

"Such strong words, Sirius. I'm only ..."

"Only what?" Sirius said, his voice dangerously quiet. "Only looking out for yourself? Only saving your own skin? I know that, Peter," he snarled.
Sirius pulled out his wand. Peter looked around frantically.

"LILY AND JAMES SIRIUS, HOW COULD YOU?" he yelled, sobbing falsely. Everyone in the street turned to look. A few wizards began running towards them.

"How could I, Peter?" Sirius snarled, raising his wand. "How dare you, you disgusting excuse for a ..." Sirius' wand fell.
Everything around them exploded.

It was only for a bright and shining moment,

Sirius reeled backwards, closing his eyes and holding up a hand to shield his face from the heat and the blinding light. When he opened his eyes, a terrible sight met them. Peter was gone, all that remained were bloodstained robes and a finger. He must have transformed and escaped, joining the other rats. How suitable.

Then he saw the rest of the scene. It was chaos. Rubble was everywhere. Terrible screams filled Sirius' ears, screams of pain and grief. Muggles lay everywhere, dead or dying. A stench filled his nostrils from the cracked sewer, and Sirius realised that that must be where Peter had fled. Some more scum for the sewers.

Wizards from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement were running towards him. A cold hand of fear grabbed at Sirius' heart. For all anyone had seen, it was he who had done this. The colour drained from his face. He would spend the rest of his life in Azkaban for this, that terrible place that drove people mad ...

It was all too much for him. Sirius cracked, and a strange sound filled his ears. His own laughter.

That I had you, and the world was mine.

Cornelius Fudge and some Aurors were running toward him, but it was Anita who reached him first, clutching her bleeding arm, a look of betrayal in her bright blue eyes. She stood still for the smallest moment, then raised her wand and pointed it straight at his heart. For all her fury, her hand remained steady.

"Sirius Black," she said viciously, her voice trembling with pain and disbelief, "As a member of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, I declare that you are under arrest." Her voice wavered. "You filthy, lying bastard! " she added viciously. Anita never swore. It was a mark of her disgust and hatred towards Sirius.

By then, Fudge and the others had reached them. They reached out to take Sirius, and he went, still laughing insanely. One of them took and snapped his wand.

"You'll rot in Azkaban for this," someone said.

The last view Sirius had over his shoulder before he lost sight of that terrible scene was of Anita Sanderson looking at him with pure loathing on her face.

Sometimes a man can't see,
When he has it all,
Take a look at me,
Oh, how the mighty fall,

Sirius was locked up in a tiny room while the Aurors waited for the word from Bartemius Crouch to take him to Azkaban. Sirius could hear a murmur of voices outside. He recognised his father's, Crouch's, Albus Dumbledore's and Alastor Moody's, but he didn't try to listen to their words, because any way he looked at it, he knew he was never going to get out of this. Crouch would never let him go, no matter what his father said. Sirius knew what he was facing. He had heard the terrible things people said about Azkaban.

It's a terrible place. The prisoners all go mad before long from the effects of the Dementors. They lose their powers and within a few years most of them die ...

Sirius' thoughts were interrupted by the door of the room opening. He looked up and saw Bartemius Crouch and Albus Dumbledore standing there, both looking very grim. Dumbledore had a look of mixed repulsion and disappointment. Sirius knew he was going to get no help.

"You're for Azkaban, Black," Crouch said softly, his voice loaded with venom and loathing. Dumbledore just shook his head slowly, frowning.
"What do you have to say ?"

"It was Peter," Sirius croaked.

"All that is left of Peter is a finger," Dumbledore said quietly.

"You killed him," Crouch added. He signalled to something and a terrible cold penetrated Sirius as two Dementors swept in and took his arms.

~*James and Lily were dead. It was all his fault ...*~

Sirius felt weak as the Dementors led him away.

Once I ruled the Earth,
 Once upon a time,
When I had your love,
That's when the world was mine,
That's when the world was mine.

The boat ride was long and terrible. With the Dementors on either side of him, Sirius' mind kept replaying the last few dreadful days over and over again.

~*"Sirius Black, as a member of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, I declare that you are under arrest."*~

~*"You'll rot in Azkaban for this"*~

~*"Lily and James Sirius, how could you?"*~

Azkaban loomed in front of the boat, tall and terrible, in the middle of the ocean. Sirius felt a growing sense of dread in the part of his mind not totally overtaken by the Dementors. He didn't want to go there, yet it was his fault James and Lily were dead. Maybe he deserved to go there ...
They landed, and the Dementors dragged Sirius into the fortress. He had never been in a more terrible place. The last horrible days played over and over in his mind until there was nothing else. Innocent. He had to remember he was innocent, but it was so hard, the terrible memories filled his mind ...

Many miles away in England, the clock in Sirius Black's house ticked from 'mortal peril' to 'in prison.'

In Azkaban, Sirius Black screamed.

Write a review! PLEASE NOTE: The purpose of reviewing a story or piece of art at the Sugar Quill is to provide comments that will be useful to the author/artist. We encourage you to put a bit of thought into your review before posting. Please be thoughtful and considerate, even if you have legitimate criticism of a story or artwork. (You may click here to read other reviews of this work).
* = Required fields
*Sugar Quill Forums username:
*Sugar Quill Forums password:
If you do not have a Sugar Quill Forums username, please register. Bear in mind that it may take up to 72 hours for your account to be approved. Thank you for your patience!
The Sugar Quill was created by Zsenya and Arabella. For questions, please send us an Owl!

-- Powered by SQ3 : Coded by David : Design by James --