Why? – Harry’s Tale.

A companion piece to Why? – Ginny’s Tale.

These are JK Rowling’s children. They are only in my care for this story, and I’ll have to give them back soon.

Summary: Just what was Harry thinking down by the lake the day Dumbledore was entombed? How did his decision to stop seeing Ginny affect both of them? A what-may-have-happened-next. Possibly rated PG, but not really, for insinuating things that are not described in the text

Chapter 1 – The whole night through

Something’s wrong Harry thought. It seemed like there was a piece of him missing. In the muzzy early morning, through the fog of sleep that still filled and insulated his mind, he could still sense this. Suspended in that just-woken-up state where everything is perfect, he was unwilling to make the effort to figure out what it was. He was warm and comfortable, and he felt safe. The sun had other plans for him, however; it was shining merrily into his eyes through the window he had left open the night before. As he turned to hide his face from the softly invasive rays, the past week hit him with the force of a thousand curses.

“Oh.” This had become his customary greeting to the world. Every night, he would awake seven or eight times, and every time, the realization would hit him: Dumbledore was dead. He was all that stood between Voldemort and complete control of the wizarding and muggle worlds. This realization on its own was often enough to send him off into a vapid state, even without the news that registered in his brain shortly afterwards. He would probe at the empty patch within his soul, trying to find out what was missing. He would explore the shape of the vacuum, wondering what it was that had fitted so perfectly into that gap. Just as suddenly and twice as hard, he would realize what it was. He had severed a part of his soul, as neatly as if it were enclosed in a Horcrux. If he hadn’t already done so, he would collapse back onto his bed, fighting and failing to hold back the tears that always choked him.

Ginny.

Harry had never before in his short life understood the meaning of the phrase soul mate. With Ginny’s last words to him, he had known. He’d known that what he was doing was no better than what Voldemort had already done, no matter how noble the purpose. He was splitting himself in two, and leaving one part in a safe place, to fend for itself. Was this any better than what Voldemort was doing with his Horcruxes? Together, he and Ginny had formed a bond of such purity, such perfection that he had thought nothing would ever come to break it. The fact that he had done it himself made it worse, and the fact that he knew he had broken Ginny’s heart in the process magnified the whole thing by an immeasurable factor.

”I never really gave up on you. Not really…” He whispered those words to the carefree morning, tears like pinpricks forming a film of rainbows in his eyes. He had known, with those words, the true depth of the bond he was about to sever, yet still he had done it.

“Why? Why did I do it?” He repeated the next line of his new morning ritual. “He’ll know how much I still love her, and how important she still is to me, so he’ll go after her anyway. All I’ve done is made things worse for myself.” He heard one of the Dursleys get up to go to the lavatory, and

he supposed that they would all be up in short order. This no longer worried him, however. After he had been collected from Kings Cross and they had arrived home, words had been exchanged. Vernon had tried to order Harry to cut the grass, but he hadn’t reckoned on Harry’s newfound strength of will. Harry had ordered him, along with the rest of the Dursleys into the living room, where he sat them down on the same sofa that Dumbledore had sat them down on such a short time ago and had started talking. Vernon had tried to interrupt once, and Harry had turned on him such a black look that for all his bluster and bulk, he hadn’t dared to continue talking. He had explained again his role in the first defeat of Voldemort, and his potential role to come. He left nothing out; the betrayal of Dumbledore and his subsequent death, Harry’s intended next steps, the fact that he would be unlikely to return to school if it reopened in September. He explained to them exactly what he expected of them for the remaining weeks he was in their care (which was to say, nothing except access to the kitchen and bathroom as required) and informed them that he would likely never see any of them again after July 31st, even if he did survive the year.  The only thing he left out was the fact that he had so thoroughly broken his own heart. With those final words, he had turned and walked to his room, quietly closing the door behind him. True to his word, he left his room only to use the bathroom and for occasional meals. He ate rarely, for the sick, cold emptiness he felt thoroughly quashed his appetite for most of the time.

To cap it all, Ron had written to him a couple of days ago reminding him that he was invited to the Burrow for the wedding of Bill and Fleur. As if the feeling of having his heart shattered wasn’t bad enough, his mind was tearing itself to shreds over this latest development. At any moment, he could think of a million things he wanted to say to Ginny, and a million reasons to stay away. He had a horrible feeling that seeing her would destroy his resistance, that he wouldn’t be able to hold his resolve. He felt trapped… like he was running around in circles with no hope of escape.

Unless…

A sudden thought rose, unbidden. There was a way. Such a laughably simple way he could end the pain. With a semi-hysterical laugh he took up his wand and slowly raised it to point between his eyes. He counted to three, then shouted out the spell he had hoped he would never have to use.

His last thought before the blackness claimed him was a memory of sitting with Ginny beside the common room fire, talking, laughing and holding hands the whole night through.

A/N: I’m not going to spell it out, as that would spoil the surprise, but consider that this is a chaptered story, and I’ll need all the characters to finish it off. Also, remember what they say about the Unforgivable Curses? Harry  wouldn’t be able to perform one even if he wanted to.