Note: I would like to dedicate this parody to my fellow OC
writers and advocates – Clarimonde, Britbribribbit, Elsha, Ariana Black, FernWithy, After
the Rain, Gileonnen, Spookykat,
and anyone else I’ve forgotten.
Turpin loved writing.
especially liked writing fanfiction to her favorite
series, Terry Hotter. Terry Hotter
was a book about a wizarding boy who was raised by
his evil aunt and uncle until he was taken into the Muggle world, where he met
friends and fought with the Evil Gangster, Mort.
was an enthralling series to write fanfiction for,
and Lisa was especially happy about her new character, Leslie. Leslie was the
sister of the horrid teacher, Mr. Epans. In the fanfic, both were students at Swine
another fanfic?” Padma
asked, coming into the room with Mandy Brocklehurst
and Jane Playne.
– this time, with a character I made up,” Lisa added.
gasped. Mandy and Jane looked equally horrified.
frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Padma snatched the parchment out of Lisa’s hand. “Oh my
God, she’s related to Mr. Epans!”
look here! It says she has a sad look in her eyes! Not Angsty-Related-To-A-Character-Sue!”
blinked. “Come again?”
“A-Angsty Sue,” Mandy said, shaking so hard Lisa thought she
might fall over. “The epitome of evil.”
not angsty – well, a little, but she was abused…”
Padma let out a scream. “No! No pasts that
it now,” Jane demanded, shoving the parchment back at Lisa. “Now.”
– but Epans was abused,” Lisa said, confused. “So his
don’t care, rewrite it,” Padma said.
fell onto her bed with an exclamation of relief.
how is it now?”
handed her parchment to her friends, and they all read it while eating their
Jane gasped suddenly.
“Now what?” Lisa asked.
made her laugh at a joke Leo Gray made.”
“Er – so?”
off, she cannot remotely befriend the characters,” Padma
said. “Secondly, she’s too happy.”
angst, no happiness.”
then, how can I write her? She’s the main-”
burst into tears.
she must speak with Leo at any point, don’t let her be related to Epans,” Padma said. “And don’t
let her speak with Leo more than once. Write it in someone else’s point of view.”
“Erm… but I want
her to be-”
you get it? She’s in danger of being a full-blown Mary Sue!” Mandy sobbed.
horrible infestation spawned from the mind of the author,” Jane said in a cold voice.
“Evil, evil, evil.”
raised her eyebrows. “Right-o. Well, I don’t think
Leslie is in danger of that. Really.”
you kidding? Of course she is!” Jane said, sounding astonished.
how can I make her not one?”
relation to any character,” Padma said.
let her have any angst or drama,” Mandy added with a sniff.
can’t be overly happy either,” Jane added.
Padma nodded. “No sad ending.”
chewed her lip. “She was going to be killed…”
Padma shuddered. “No. Don’t.”
I make her just – her own person?” Lisa asked, wondering why she was asking for
works,” Mandy said softly, wiping away a tear.
she can’t be the main character, or at least, the main focus. You need other
points of view,” Jane said.
right,” Mandy and Padma agreed.
Lisa said, writing on another piece of parchment. “Fine.
Her name is Leslie… Giovanni? Is that Muggle?”
long, it needs to be something short, and as normal as could be,” Padma said.
tried not to let out any exasperated noises. “Fine.
Leslie Smith. I’ll give her a normal past… okay, that works. And ooh, she can
date Romulus Pinn-”
DATING MAIN CHARACTERS!” Padma yelled.
I just got an idea for-”
shook her head, looking pale again. “Don’t, please… the mere thought of that is
giving me a migraine.”
know… what does it matter?” Lisa
burst out. “It’s not like she’s some woman from the Ice Age who invents five
things per chapter! It’s not like she’s this giggly woman that wears pink and
helps airborne girls steal shoes from dead witches! And even those characters
had fainted, perhaps in horror.
look at that!” Lisa shrieked, pointing at her friend. “If that’s not a ‘Drama
Sue’, I don’t know what is!”
can’t be Sues,” Padma said, picking Mandy up. “If
you’ll excuse me, I must take our friend you injured to the Hospital Wing.”
helped her, and Lisa looked back at her piece of parchment.
approached her friends in the common room later that night.
revised it,” Lisa said.
hope so,” Jane said, snatching the paper and looking at it.
does it say?” Padma asked.
cleared her throat. “Romulus Pinn passed Leslie
Smith. She smiled. He smiled back, and then went on with his life. The end.”
let out a moan. “Oh no! Now it’s Boring Sue!”
put her face in her hands, wondering why she even bothered.