She never turned to me, but suddenly
We had so much to share!
I never took her in my arms, but she was there
Oh, she was there!
pain, and then there was putting it aside for the greater good, or even for the
sake of sanity. There was hurting, and then there was feeling broken, only to
realize that some pieces were missing, and you could never put the puzzle back
together again. Remus Lupin knew this better than almost anyone; in fact, he
was almost an expert by now, so good at the fine art of hiding his feelings
that for all intents and purposes this should have been a mere ache he could
learn to sweep away, a tiny brush-stroke in the broad canvas of suffering his
life had been.
wondered then why his heart felt like it was being ripped apart in vicious,
violent strokes that cut deeply into an already wounded soul. If this was what
it felt like, then he couldn’t understand why people waited their whole lives
to feel like this. If loving someone felt like this, then he didn’t want to
feel at all.
And then there
was Sirius, in the forefront of his mind, and what could honestly be said of a
man who’d traded a normal, healthy conscience for the voice of Sirius Black in
his head, whispering in that awfully conceited voice of his that this was right,
this was exactly how he was supposed to feel?
he knew just how to make it stop.
As he’d always
done while Sirius was alive, his mind resisted the familiar voice no matter how
much he wanted to listen to it, because he remembered all too well how
following Sirius’s advice, although pleasurable, meant he would end up in more
trouble than he knew how to deal with.
loved ones, and there was learning to banish them to one small part of your
heart, shutting that part away. And then there were those who would never be
shut down anywhere, who remained with you no matter how much you tried to push
the feelings into a small corner, and banish them for good. Sometimes he felt
that this was even worse, a constant reminder that they were gone, but in truth
it was like a balm for his aching heart to be able to hear that beloved voice
still, even if that meant he was, with every day he heard Sirius’s voice inside
his head, one step closer to losing his mind.
her was another step, and in between that love and the ever-present voice in
his head, he was going to end up in a padded white cell in St. Mungo's, stark
raving mad, as he’d always promised Sirius he would if it were not for his
But they had
left him, and he’d survived. Three of his friends murdered, all thanks to the
fourth, or so he thought, and he’d survived for twelve long years before
feeling the warmth of friendship envelop him once again. All those years he’d
survived, his mind intact, and the more he thought about it the more ridiculous
it seemed that he, a man who’d survived so much would feel about ready to lose
his mind over something almost everyone went through at least once in his life.
Except for the
curious Ravenclaw Sirius had set him up with in sixth year, he didn’t really
have a lot of experience with romantic love, and even she hadn’t been this
vivacious, this understanding, hadn’t loved him so much. Oh God, loved him, of all people, loved him enough to
take the chance, to let the future be …whatever it was going to be, as long as
they could face it together.
had loved him, he didn’t doubt that. But they were his parents, and for all the
children he’d come across who’d been abandoned by their parents after being
bitten, he never really gave any thought to the fact that they could have
stopped loving him. They were his parents, and that was the end of that.
been different; his friends had been different. They had chosen to love him. No
one had forced them to. They certainly could have found other friends, another
partner in crime, someone other than Remus. But they hadn’t, and not only had
they become his friends, they’d stuck by him once they found out the truth.
thought that without those seven years at Hogwarts, and the influence his
friends had on him, he’d be an altogether different person, dangerous, more
violent. Without Sirius’s constant
pestering he might have never developed patience, without James’s foolish
daring he might have never learned that some rules were meant to be broken, and
even Peter, yes, Peter, had shown him something important, for without Peter’s
simple understanding he might have never seen his friends as what they were:
unshakable trust, they had taught him the most important lesson of his life.
That he was worth something.
friends were the thing that set him apart from Greyback. Not that he was
condoning Greyback’s viciousness, no. But deep inside, he wondered what he
would have ended up being if it were not for one Albus Dumbledore, who allowed
him into a magical place, and the friends he found there.
They made him
human, dismissed the wolf to the deepest recess of his mind, and even though he
lost them, he grieved for them as a human, suffered as a human. The wolf would
never gain control of him.
their mark on him. “Werewolf” would never encompass all that Remus Lupin was.
He liked to think he was better than that.
In the end,
they’d shared so much more than a dormitory during those years; they’d shared
his life, for better or worse.
figured he’d find someone else who’d be willing to share his life for
good. And now that the opportunity
presented itself to him, he found himself facing a situation he’d never really
considered, unsure of how to act.
listen to the annoying voice in his head. Sirius had a good point; after all,
this was his chance to grasp the happiness he’d always wanted. To have someone
he could rely on. To build a family, a family of his own.
part of his mind always caught up to him when he let himself fantasize about a
family, complications started to mount, and soon he’d convinced himself it
wasn’t really worth it. Even if he could endure it, he’d never put her through
deny her from the beginning than have her decide, a few days, months or even
years down the road that this wasn’t what she really wanted. That she’d made a
wasn’t sure his frail heart could recover from yet another loss.
And not having
anything looked infinitely better than having something for a precious moment
only to have it taken it away when you were starting to feel you couldn’t live
without it. He should know; he’d lived through it twice before.
So he closed
his eyes and steeled himself against the words he’d have to say, knowing that
once he’d finally uttered them he’d be left absolutely nothing, except this
pain, unbearable, because as much as he’d like, he could never learn to
completely shut out his heart.
A/N: This is me, rationalizing R/T, in her head. Set sometime
after OotP, and before HBP, while Remus is still
trying to convince himself that R/T doesn't work. I was right there with him,
trying to convince myself. Obviously, I was wrong. So, here I am, making peace
with my favorite character for being so far off the mark. FORGIVE ME, REMUS!