Lothar Kaustriz, What is history?

"Diaries are the most subjective of all sources […] highly coloured by background and age […] of the writer, we learn from them not as much historical fact, but what, if you will, common people, thought of these events…"

W. Peterson, Upon Historical Sources

September 30. 1964

My room

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was my 10^th birthday. It was a nice birthday, I got a cake with a sugar broomstick on it. The best thing about being 10 is that I’m going to Hogwarts next year, and that I got you from my sister Bellatrix. You’re the best present I got this year, and not just because everything else I got is rubbish. It is though- Mother and Father gave me a necklace that I’m not allowed to wear until I’m older, and a dress I’m not supposed to wear except for Christmas. Auntie Hesteria gave me a set of hairpins made from Unicorn horns, and a mother-of-pearl hairbrush, which is the stupidest gift I’ve EVER gotten.

But I got you, diary, and you’re perfect. I suppose you don’t really know what you look like, so I will tell you. You’re smaller than a normal book, and bound in red linen, which is wonderful because red is my favorite color in the whole, wide world. And you have a beautiful picture of a quill, and ink, on the front. And on the first page, Bella wrote This is the diary of Andromeda Carys Black, and underneath: Blood and parchment are the safest places for secrets. Now you have someone to confide in while I’m at Hogwarts. Happy Birthday, Ada! And she had you charmed, so now no-one but me can open the pages (I tried it on Cissy, and it works), and if I leave you lying open, someone who isn’t me won’t be able to read you, because their eyes will go all funny and hurt, they stop (I tried that on Milton, our house elf, and it’s pretty creepy). Isn’t that great? Sometimes I think Bella is the best sister in the world. I miss her so since she went to stupid Hogwarts this year. Anyway, Mother says we are going on a visit to Auntie’s house in London, so I must go now.

October 1. My bed

Dear Diary,

I wish Bella was here. This diary is nice and everything, but it can’t punch Sirius in the face when he’s being a prat.

October 5

My room

Dear Diary,

Today Sirius and Regulus came to visit us here. In autumn when it’s raining outside, Grimmauld Place is a much better place to play. Our house is boring, boring, boring. And we don’t have toy broomsticks or wands or swords or anything. All we have are dolls, and Sirius won’t play with them because it’s girly and dumb. I tried to make up one of Bella’s games, but Sirius wouldn’t be the Muggle we had to kill, and then Mother came and yelled at us for building a fort out of my desk and lots of pillows, so she’s locked me in my room again, and says she can’t understand why I can’t behave more like a young lady, and worthy of my family.

Regulus has just come to visit me. He’s only two and a bit; he peeked though my door and wobbled towards me, and he laughed when I played peek-a-boo with this diary. I asked him what was going on downstairs, and he said Cissy was crying, Sirius was being yelled at, and Mother said she was going insane. I wish she would, it would be so interesting.

October 9.

Dear Diary,

Nothing is happening here. I’ve taught Milton how to play cards, but it’s stupid because he always lets me win, unless I command him not to, and then he always wins.

And then I asked Cissy to play ball with me, and she said she would in a moment, but when I checked where she was twenty minutes later she was still combing her stupid doll’s hair.

October 13.

Dear Diary,

Today I was looking out of the attic window and saw some boys from the village fishing in the stream behind our house. It looked so fun. I actually asked Mother if I could join them. She yelled at me and told me I was lacking wizard pride, whatever that means, and shut me in my room AGAIN.

December 20.

My bed

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing, but I was looking at all the beautiful blank parchment pages, and decided it was a shame to fill them with stupid waffle about being locked in my room, and how I hate my brainless sister Narcissa Airhead Black. So I waited for something exciting to happen, and here it is! It’s almost Christmas, and Bella’s coming home tomorrow! I’m so excited! Tomorrow, we’re picking her up from the Hogwarts Express, and then we’re going straight to Diagon and Knockturn Alley for Christmas shopping. I’m giving Cissy the stupid hairbrush I got from Auntie for Christmas, she’ll never know the difference. And I don’t know what I’m buying Bella yet, but it should be something wonderful, because she is so wonderful. I want a cat for Christmas. I told Mother it was the only thing in the world I wanted, and I hope I’m getting one. It’s the closest to getting a friend for Christmas, and I would love to have a friend.

December 21

My bed (it’s very late!)

Dear Diary,

Everyone is so happy to see Bella again. You should see the fuss they make over her, patting her hair giving her little presents (even though it’s Christmas three days from now, and telling her she’ll live up to the family name and all. This was at Auntie’s Family Christmas Tea today, which was not as bad as usual because Bella was back. We were all forced to wash everywhere, especially behind the ears and neck, and then we had to put on stupid new dress-robes and put stupid satin bows into our hair. I hate being a girl.

But we played at Auntie’s house, and Bella made up this great new game about saving Hogwarts from Muggles who wanted to invade it, and it was wonderful, until Mother found us and told us to come downstairs so all our a million year old Aunties could pet us, and give us slobbery kisses and tell us how much we’ve grown. But Bella kept making faces behind their backs, and then she tripped Kreacher, who was carrying a plate with eclairs, and all the chocolate cream spilled over Auntie Araminta’s huge bottom. It was so funny!

I didn’t see Uncle Alphard at the party. He’s Father’s brother and my favorite relative, except for Sirius and Regulus of course. He has a funny beard that tickles when you hug him, and he always lifts us up and turns us upside down to make us laugh. I don’t think Father and Auntie like him very much, but I do, and it was sad not to see him.

When we came home, Mother made us go straight to bed. I thought that was sad,’ cause I haven’t talked to Bella at all since she came home. So I sneaked out of bed in my nighty and tiptoed across the hall into her room.

"Ada?!"

"I’m the ghost of Greya, come to haunt you and bite your toes!" Bella didn’t even smile. That was strange. Didn’t she remember how we invented the ghost of Greya to scare Cissy and Sirius last Christmas? She did, however, make some room in her bed so I could stick my cold feet under her covers. And, diary, it was so strange. We couldn’t think of anything to say to each other. I knew all about Hogwarts, from her letters and from what she’d told the family; and I didn’t have anything interesting to tell, did I? Then I remembered something.

"Bella, where’d you reckon Uncle Alphard was today?"

She made a face and said, in a very serious voice, "I heard Auntie telling Great-Aunt Prewett he’s been disowned. That means he’s not family anymore."

"What does that mean, not family anymore? And what did he do?"

"It means that he’s not a Black anymore. He can’t come to family meetings, and the family won’t help him anymore. Do you know, how we have our money at Gringotts and Uncle Dorian can get it out whenever we want it, even if Gringotts is closed? And how we can pay in shops just by saying "It stays in the family" and that means they can get it from Uncle Dorian later?" I nodded. "He can’t do that anymore. And if he gets in trouble, the family won’t get him out." It didn’t seem all that bad to me. Family Meetings are terribly boring, with all the grownups drinking mead and talking about Mudbloods, and having to sit still while wearing your scratchiest silk dress robes.

"But Bella, why? What’s he done?"

"He married a Muggle." The way Bella said it, it might have meant ‘killed someone’.

"Is…is that a very bad thing?" I asked in a small voice.

"Bad? It’s the worst thing in the world! Ada, look, he’s ignoring the family name and wasting his blood. You know the family tree in Auntie’s house that says "Toujours Pur"? That’s what the Blacks are about, purebloods only. And when you’re a Black, you can’t just ignore the family tradition. You have to follow it!" She threw away her hair, looking like a princess, or a goddess. "Uncle Alphard is a blood traitor. He didn’t follow the family tradition, and he betrayed us Blacks. I don’t ever want to see him again!"

December 25. (Christmas!)

Merry Christmas, dear Diary!

I got my kitten! He’s the sweetest thing, all white and fluffy, with a tiny pink tongue and the perfectest, tiniest little teeth. He was actually hidden in my stocking this fast asleep, and I was so happy. He purrs when I stroke him and loves being scratched behind the ears. I’ve named in Whizz, because he looks just like a Fizzing Whizzbie. Oh, dear diary, I think I might be in love!

December 26.

Dear Diary,

Bella keeps saying that I shouldn’t cuddle Whizz all the time, and I should stop carrying him around. She says cats are tough and wild animals, not like bunny rabbits. "But look at him!" I said. "How could I not cuddle him?" Whizz stretched his tiny little mouth and yawned, and I kissed him on his pink, perfect nose. Bella just snorted, she doesn’t like Whizz, and she thinks I’m being stupid and fussy about him. We went to Auntie’s house for a feast today, and she as good as ignored me. I didn’t really mind, because I’d brought Whizz along, and because Sirius has a new broomstick (a Shooting Starlet 23), and he let all of us ride it. Bella really wanted to try it, I could tell, but instead she was all huffy about how she got to ride a real broomstick, not a toy one, and how one of her friends is on the Slytherin Quidditch team. I reminded her that she said first-years aren’t allowed on the team.

She’s been ignoring me ever since, and she keeps poking and hitting me when the grown-ups aren’t looking, and I know better than to tell tales. I hate fighting with Bella, and not just cause she’s my sister, but also because it’s not healthy. You never know what may happen. I remember when I was five I accidentally dropped one of her dolls (it didn’t even break!) and she put maggots in my dinner, and pins in my bed. It was awful.

December 27

Dear Diary,

Bella and I sort of made up again. I was coming from breakfast and saw her petting Whizz, who was asleep on my bed. She jumped when she saw me, and called Whizz a "flea bag" but it’s her way of saying sorry.

There was another party at Auntie’s today, not just family this time, so I wasn’t allowed to bring Whizz. There were some kids there that Bella knew from Hogwarts, some girls and a tall, mean-looking boy called Rudolphus, who kept laughing at everything I said, and looking at me like I was a bowl of throw-up. Sirius had some other little boys to play with, and they all didn’t want me either, and Cissy was happy sitting on Auntie’s lap and being fussed over. I was getting bored, but then Regulus wobbled over to me. "Siwius says I cawn’t pway," he informed me. "And Mummy said I should go pway. Wanna pway, Ada?" I made up a pretty good game about being in the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts, but I don’t think he got it. After a while we just cuddled in our little corner. Regulus smells of bar soap and toy broomsticks, and he’s very cute. "You’re nice, Ada. Not like Bewwa. Bewwa’s mean." "Bella’s not mean!" I said. I mean she’s not. Maybe she’s not all soft and you can’t cuddle her, like me, especially not Regulus, but she’s not mean.

"I think she’s mean!" Sirius said from behind me. He had a black eye and was hiding from Auntie, I could tell. It’s the same thing at each of Auntie’s parties- he hits someone’s son, and then he gets in trouble for it.

"Bella’s not mean! And things are so much more fun when she’s here. At least we’re not bored all the time!" I said again. I have to defend my sister, right? But I kind of know what Sirius means. Bella’s always really short with him, and she yells at him a lot. And Bella can be scary when you’re small and she’s angry. But she’s my sister!! And no-one’s allowed to call her mean while I’m around, not even Sirius.

Don’t care what day it is

Dear Diary,

I hate Bellatrix Black. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. I’m running away because I can’t stand being in a house with her, because I hate her so much.

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

There, I’ve written it. And I don’t care that it’s an awful thing to say.

Today is the worst day of all my life. And now the ink’s running and you can hardly read what I wrote because I’m crying so hard again.

The Worst Day of my Life, December 29 1964

My room

Dear Diary,

I floo'ed over to Auntie’s house, but she brought me back home. And I’ve locked myself in my room because I don’t want to speak a word to Bella ever again in my WHOLE LIFE, ever again. I’m in so much trouble, for flooing all by myself, and for running away, and for hitting Bella and yelling at her, but I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. They can lock me in this room forever, or at least until I have to go to Hogwarts, and then I’ll get sorted into GRYFFINDOR and run off with that Mr. Blood traitor Dumbledore, and that’ll serve them right.

I think I should write down what happened. Anyone can see how horrible Bella is, if I write it down.

It all started with Uncle Alphard. Bella and I were playing Gobstones, with the beautiful emeralds-and-silver set she got for Christmas (I’ve never had a set of Gobstones that were that nice. I just have the boring old glass kind, and they’re running out of Stinksap. But I didn’t get new ones, no, Mother just said I could use Bella’s old ones. That’s another reason why I hate her: she always gets new things, and I never do.) I said, "I don’t think it’s very bad, what Uncle Alphard did. Marrying the Muggle, I mean. Maybe she’s very pretty, or can bake extra-good cake…"

Of course Bella just got started on me being an embarrassment to the family, and not having wizard pride, and how we had to honor the noble House of Black and so on, and so forth. Then Whizz came along, and I reached for him and started cuddling him. Bella looked at us like we were throw-up, just like that Rudolphus did at the party, and said: "See? You don’t have a tiny ounce of proper wizarding pride. No real wizard would ever cuddle up with a stupid, boring cat that doesn’t even have magical properties."

"Whizz isn’t boring, and he’s not stupid!" I said angrily, kissing his nose. "And I’m sure he has magical properties. He just hasn’t shown them yet, because he’s so small."

Bella laughed in a really mean way, and said: "That’s a Muggle cat, Ada, I can tell."

"Is not!"

"Prove it!" There was something in Bella’s eyes that was so mean when she said it. But I wanted to show her. I wanted to show her that I was right about Whizz, and that she was wrong. So I asked her how to prove it, and she said that cats always land on all four feet when they fall down somewhere, and if Whizz was magical, he’d be able to, even if he fell down somewhere really high. I feel so stupid, now, for letting her talk me into it. But I wanted to show her! And Whizz could have made it, I know it, because he’s fallen off my bed twice, and it’s a bunk bed, and he ALWAYS landed on his feet. But…it’s so awful.

We all went to the first landing of the staircase, and Bella said to drop him down from there.

And I did. I kissed him on the nose and whispered "Make me proud, Whizzie," and dropped him.

And he fell. And he would have landed on her feet, but then Bella got out her wand and called "Wingardium Leviosa!" and did something to Whizz, and he just…crashed.

And there was blood everywhere and he wasn’t moving. And then Bella said "I told you so", and Cissy started crying. And I ran down and…and…and…his eyes were closed and his perfect white fur was all bloody and…he was dead. He wasn’t breathing he wasn’t moving. I kept waiting for him to open his eyes and yawn, like he always did, but he didn’t…he didn’t…and he’ll never. Never again. And he’ll never run after Cissy’s hair again, and never lick my nose again, and never purr like he’s swallowed a Secrecy Sensor. I was going to teach him tricks. I was going to pretend he was a lion and make a Circus, and Sirius could be a clown but I can’t now. I can’t now.

This is the worst day of my life, EVER. I’ve never been so sad before. Only sad isn’t the right word, I need a bigger word then sad. A word that means crying-until-I’m dried-up-like-a-shrivelfig. A word that means never-going-to-smile-again. A word that means what I feel like now. A word that means that Whizz is dead.

And it’s all Bella’s fault, because she killed him. And I started yelling at her, and tried to hit her, and bite her, even. And then Mother came and yelled at me, but I hardly even heard it, I was crying so hard.

I still am.

But the point is, I HATE BELLATRIX! She killed Whizz. I’m never going to be nice to her again in my whole life, and I’m never going to be her sister again. EVER. I’m never going to play with her, even if it’s a really good game. I’m never going to give her my sweets. I’m never going to play cards, and the next time she makes fun of Cissy, I won’t laugh. Because Bellatrix Black is NOT my sister anymore, because I hate her.

I can’t really use this diary anymore, because she gave it to me. I’m going to keep it, and when I’m older, I’ll take the charms off and show them to everyone, so they can all see what she did to Whizz. And then they’ll know she’s bad. They’ll know.