The Sugar Quill
Author: Alphie (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Plugs and Outlets 2006  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

AN: In May of 2001 I posted a fic that earned me a spot as an author here at the Quill

AN: In May of 2001 I posted a fic that earned me a spot as an author here at the Quill. It was written very fast and posted even more quickly. I’m ashamed to admit that it wasn’t even read over by a proper beta reader. Even though it had a few strikes against it, the fic went on to become what several people in the fandom refer to as a “classic”. I, however, cringe whenever I read it. Yes, cringe. It has a few flaws, and I even use the term “graduated” in it, which we all know is a dead give away of a non-betaed HP fic. I have wanted to rewrite the fic for a while now, and well…I finally did. The original will still remain up, for those of you that are purists and don’t like your classics tampered with.  ~Coughstarwarscough~ For those of you that never read the original, I offer you Plugs and Outlets 2006.

Once again, I can’t take full credit for this fic as my husband (yes my husband) came up with many of the comical lines.


Getting into bed, Arthur Weasley gave a deep sigh of relief. He was dead tired and what he wanted most right now was a good night’s sleep. He bent over his wife’s side and kissed her on the cheek. "Good night, Molly, dear."

"You know, Arthur, it’s so nice to have them all home again." She said, sounding wide-awake.

"Umm-humm," he replied sleepily.

"The house is too quiet while they are all away. It gives me so little to do."

"Well, with the wedding fast approaching, I suppose you’ll have lots to keep you busy. And with Fred and George staying here until their shop expansion is finished, I imagine you’ll have your hands full keeping after them." He had hoped that would end the conversation so he’d be able to get some sleep. He knew how Molly felt about the fact that Fred and George hadn’t managed to take ‘respectable’ jobs as the other boys had done, but still, the joke shop was making good money, so why complain now?

"Yes, I’ll keep after them," she said softly. "And I suppose we’ll be seeing a great deal of Hermione this summer, too. I’ll have to keep after her and Ron."

Not really hearing his wife, Arthur said, "Hermione has never caused trouble. She won’t be a bother."

"No, but she’s never been dating our son, either."

This woke him up. "What? She’s dating our son?"

Smiling at her husband, Molly said, "I believe so. Didn’t you see how sweet Ron was to her at the station? I even spotted him giving her a little kiss!"

That made him nervous. "Er, Molly, dear, how long do you suppose this has been going on?"

"Not long," she yawned. "I asked Harry, and he said that’s this has been building up for a while now. And with Harry and Ginny working out their differences…well…."

Sitting up in bed, Arthur said, "Hold on. Molly, one child at a time! Have you talked to Ron?"

"Heavens no, that’s your job, dear." She thought about it a minute and frowned. "It might be a bit late now though.”

Arthur slid under the covers. “You don’t suppose…?”

“He had a girlfriend all last year. Violet something-or-other. You’d better hurry up before it’s too late. You did talk to the other boys, didn’t you?"


"But what? This should be easy for you. And you should savor it, dear. Ron is the last chance you’ll get to have the ‘father/son’ chat."

Nodding and lying back down, Arthur said, "Yes, Molly, dear, but you get the honor of speaking to Ginny."

"Agreed." She kissed him and rolled over to fall peacefully asleep.

Arthur, on the other hand, remained wide-awake contemplating just how to approach his youngest son.  Of course, he knew exactly what he would say.  He’d used the same analogy with all the boys.  It was the timing that was the problem, and with Ron leaving after the wedding, Arthur knew he would have to do it soon.  More than soon, as Hermione would be here in a day or so.  Tomorrow.  It would have to be done tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Standing in front of Ron’s closed bedroom door the next day, Arthur paused and quickly went over his speech in his head. He put his hand to the door and knocked lightly. "Ron, you in there?"

His son’s voice came from within. "Yeah? You need something?"

"Might I have a word?”

"Sure…just…hang on.”  The muffled sound of unknown items being shifted around could be heard through the door before Ron said, “Come on in, but don’t complain about the mess!"

Arthur opened the door to his son’s very orange bedroom and glanced around. It was indeed messy, but then, Ron was sharing his room with Harry at the moment and the two of them were in the middle of packing for their upcoming journey.

Actually, he wasn’t packing. He was sitting on his bed looking much more innocent than Arthur knew him to be.  He obviously had been up to something when Arthur knocked on the door, but had managed to get rid of any evidence to the contrary as if he didn’t want Arthur to see it.

"What do you want?" Ron asked.

"Oh…er…just to chat. Mind if I sit down?" He gestured towards the end of the bed.

"Okay…" Ron sounded hesitant.

Arthur gave a quick look at Ron’s bedside table and saw a photo of him, Harry, and Hermione taken just after the O.W.L.s had been completed. The Ron in the picture blushed as Hermione took his hand. Arthur felt his head start to bead up with sweat.

"What did you want to talk about, Dad?"

Arthur pointed a finger at the photo. "I need to talk to you about this, son."

Ron looked at the picture, too. "Harry? I know you and Mum are concerned, and you have every right to be, but I just have to help him do this. And I really think…"

"Oh no! That’s not what I meant!" Arthur gave a small smile. "Your mother and I know how important this is to you…and to Harry."

"Then what? What did I do?" Ron was very confused.

"Nothing…well I hope you haven’t done anything…yet." He looked at his son who was wrinkling his freckled nose at him. "You see, Ron, I need to tell you about plugs and…well…outlets."

"What? Why would I care about…?"

"Please, let me finish. Boys are plugs…and well…girls are outlets. Both have the necessary…er…hardware to create ecceltricity. The ecceltricity can only be created when the plug is inserted into the outlet. And this should be done ONLY WHEN BOTH THE PLUG AND THE OUTLET ARE READY!"

"DAD!" Ron was thunderstruck. "Are you talking about…sex?!?!"

Arthur felt his face flush. "Well…figuratively…yes."

Ron covered his face with his hands. "Ugh…I don’t believe this!" He turned to face his father. "Dad, we’ve already had that."

Stunned, Arthur gasped, "What?

"Yeah…at Hogwarts."

"You did?" He was shocked at how open his son was being.

"Sure, we all did. It’s mandatory for all fifth year students."

"Mandatory? Since when are all students required to have sex?"

"Not sex, dad…sex education." Ron raised his eyebrows at his dad.

"Oh…of course." Arthur felt a bit foolish and cleared his throat. "Education is the key to safety."

"You didn’t think that…I…well…I mean…"

“I know that you and Hermione are…working things out.”

“Hermione?” Ron said, nearly choking on her name and going red to the tips of his ears. “You thought Hermione and I…?”

"Well, son, I was hoping that you would be responsible and wait for a while, but I can’t force you. And speaking of forcing…make sure you never force a plug into an outlet. You may end up with bent prongs."

Ron stared at his father. "What?"

"And sometimes when the plug just won’t fit, we can use the lubricaderm spell. Works wonders!"

Eyes wide, Ron said, "Huh?"

"And most importantly, when all the ecceltricity is spent and the plug is removed, make sure you don’t ignore the outlet. Let the outlet know how wonderful and beautiful it is. We don’t want our outlets to feel neglected!"

"DAD! STOP! You don’t need to go on…I get it."

Arthur patted his son on the shoulder. "All right. Just remember to be responsible." He stood up and left the room, leaving the door open as he left.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he heaved a great sigh of relief. It went well, he thought. The boys had each responded so differently to the speech. Fred and George had laughed at him. Percy had sat very quietly and didn’t say a word. Charlie had kept him talking for an hour, asking all sorts of questions. And Bill…well Bill had already experienced it by the time they talked. He shrugged and set off to his shed outback.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ron sat motionless on his bed. What had just happened? Had his father really just compared sex to plugs and outlets? Fred and George popped their heads into his room.

"You wanna play some Quidditch?"

Not even responding to the question, Ron placed his hands on his knees and asked, "Has Dad ever had a…a talk with you?"

The twins looked at each other. "Dad talks all the time," Fred said.

"No, I mean…a really weird sex talk."

Wide grins spread across the twin’s faces. "Oh! You mean the ol’ Plug and Outlet talk!" George said.

"Yeah, gave it to us when we started dating," Fred added. He pointed a finger at Ron with sudden amusement, "That’s right…you’ve got yourself an outlet now!"

“Heard all about you and Lavender. Or should we say…” George met Fred’s eyes and they swooned together. “Lav Lav!”

Ron swore at them both. “I called it off with her.”

Fred’s brows went up. “Oh? Have you got yourself another outlet then?”

“A more convenient outlet?” countered George.

“One with lots of brown hair?” teased Fred.

"Ron and Hermione…making electricity!" George teased.

Ron stood up, "She is not an outlet!"

"Well, she’s not a plug!" Fred said.

"Hey, did Dad explain that if you stick your finger in an outlet, your hair will stand on end?" George said.

Ron’s jaw dropped! He was speechless.

"It’s true." Fred agreed.

After a long pause Ron stammered, "So, does that mean that you…have you…"

"It’s not polite to plug in and tell about it!" Fred said.

Ron rolled his eyes and headed over to his broom. "I think I will join you for a game."

As they headed down the stairs, George couldn’t help but say, "Makes you re-evaluate Dad’s fascination with plugs, doesn’t it?"

They went out to the vacant hill and began their game, not aware of the conversation Molly was having with Ginny up in Ginny’s room.

"Ginny, dear, boys and girls are like Quills and Ink Bottles…."


And before you ask, no I won’t be redoing the other two speeches.  Canon has gone too far off line from them and I don’t think I could make them work now.  I mean, Sirius isn’t even an option and I really think Harry would be comfortable talking to Remus about it.  Remus isn’t comfortable with his own sex life, let alone Harry’s!  LOL!  So, no, I won’t redo the rest.

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