Disclaimer:  I don’t own Harry Potter.  I am extremely relieved that I don’t own any mary sues, either.

No permanent damage was done to any character during the making of this fic.

This ficlet may contain slight exaggeration (and one egregious pun).

The Ultimate Mary Sue

                Once upon a time, there was Mary Sue.  Forget all of your other, typical, irritating, run of the mill mary sues.  None of them can compare to the spectacularity of Mary Sue.  This is Mary Sue.  This is the real, true Mary Sue. 

Mary Sue has mysterious powers that have only belonged to a few before her.  She is the only known witch who has her abilities in many, many generations.  She is Action Sue, who fights crime and works for the greater good!  She holds a position admired by many and given to few.  It doesn’t hurt, either, that she is related to numerous canon characters, several of whom are instrumental to the plot.

Her hair can change from flowing crimson tresses to a layered russet-coffee-chocolate mane with toffee-cream highlights.  Her glittering, glowing, glorious, grand orbs, which reflect the pain she feels from unrequited love for an as-yet-unspecified major character, can change from jade to aqua-marine to lavender in the blink of an eye (no pun intended). 

Mary Sue attracts the attention of any man she meets, and causes jealousy among their girl-friends.  She is above all of these petty dilemmas, however.  She only has eyes for her One True Love, although he doesn’t realize that they are meant for each other.  He will in time, though.  Soon he will discover that nothing can keep them apart, that her youth and beauty is enough for both of them.

However, it is not merely her exquisite splendor that causes every man she meets to fall head over heels.  No, she is much deeper than that.  It is also her flawless style, both in clothing and make-up.  Another mary sue may buy the same outfit, but does any other being possess the ability to artfully shred and doodle on her clothes without giving the appearance of trying too hard?  I think not.  Her natural attractiveness does not need assistance to achieve its day-to-day look, but for extrasuperspecial occasions, her unique make-up does the trick.

Siriusly, though, she is intelligent beyond intelligence, funny beyond funniness, popular beyond popularity, kind beyond kindness, etc. etc.  Nevertheless, it will take all of her abilities to convince the man she loves that she, and only she, is his One True Love.  Until that time, she will pine away, while still looking sickeningly fabulous and sighing frequently.

And the very best thing about Mary Sue is that she is 100% canon.  Her name?  Nymphadora Tonks.