The Sugar Quill
Author: Badkats (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Charlie's Witches  Chapter: Chapter 1
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The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.


(A/N: This is for all those SugarQuillers out there who have chatted endlessly over the past few weeks. We hope you enjoy it. For the purposes of this fic, Alphie, Jane, and Ginny appear as themselves. Thus, Ginny does not have red hair and is not a Weasley - she is still very cool though…)

Disclaimer: We don’t own Harry Potter, Charlie’s Angels, or the SugarQuill. However, the men are ours. And the part at the end…that isn’t really ours either, but to tell you more would ruin the surprise!

Chapter One

Once upon a time there were three very different little girls…

SCENE: Out on the Quidditch field, a very playful blond laughs as she streams through the air on a broom, while a distraught Madam Hooch shouts at her to come down.

SCENE: In the dungeons, a highly sophisticated brunette leans calmly over her simmering cauldron as Snape sneers over her shoulder. She apparently is the only one in the class to manage the potion correctly.

Scene: In the Gryffindor common room, a rather wild but sexy redhead is surrounded by wide-eyed boys. They are staring, enraptured, as they fight with each other to be the next to be taught the newest Muggle dance move by the stunning minx.

…who grew up to be three very different women.

SCENE: Out side a dark and creepy looking building, the blond can be seen disguised as a Muggle, snooping around. She tiptoes around the corner and slips on an Invisibility Cloak.

SCENE: In an empty interrogation room, a stunned man stares at the brunette. She leans over and looks him dead in the eyes. Her bright green eyes flash and the man passes out cold.

SCENE: A wizard is running through a forest. The redhead can be seen chasing after him. In an instant, she transforms into a black panther and leaping into the air, brings the wizard down.

…but they have three things in common. They are brilliant. They are beautiful. And they work for me.

My name is Charlie.


SCENE: A bedroom decorated in red silks and black satin. The redhead steps out from behind a Chinese dressing screen wearing a severe black leather teddy. A black-haired man lying on the bed smirks at her. He appears to be naked.

Jane: All right you naughty dog. You’ve been up to no good and I’ve come to impound you.

Sirius: Oh really? And just how do you think you'll manage that?

Jane flicks her long red hair at him, pulls out her wand, and conjures a pair of Muggle handcuffs. Efficiently, she cuffs Sirius to the bed just as an owl flutters into the room and drops a letter at her feet. Distracted from her work, she stoops and picks up the letter. She quickly reads over the scarlet writing.

Jane: Sorry, Fido. Duty calls.

Sirius tries to sit up and is jerked backwards by his fetters.

Sirius: Now? You' ve got to go now?

With a wave of her wand, Jane is dressed in a revealing black robe, her hair messily drawn back behind a headband.

Jane: Sirius, love, you know I don’t set my own hours. When Charlie wants me, I have to go.

Sirius (pouting): I wish I had that kind of power over you. He must be a very good…

Jane: Watch it, Padfoot. You know I can out run you!

Sirius: Wait! Jane darling, you forgot the ...

Jane Apparates with a pop.

SCENE: The blond is dancing around the kitchen fixing breakfast while wearing only her dressing gown. She is singing shrilly at the top of her lungs. A man stumbles into the kitchen, still half asleep, and turns off her radio.

Alphie: Good morning! Sleep well?

Remus: Yes, up until a certain witch decided to blast me away with the sound of her voice.

Alphie: Oh…poor Remus. But, I just can’t resist it on a day like this!

Remus: What was that anyway?

Alphie: Beauty and the Beast. Fitting, don’t you think?

Alphie walks over to him and wraps her arms tightly around him. She kisses him.

Remus: Come now, I wouldn’t call you a beast.

An owl taps against the window, interrupting the tender moment. Alphie goes to the window and takes the letter the owl offers. Reading it over quickly, she glances up at Remus.

Remus: Again? Don’t you ladies ever get a day off?

Alphie: Only when the forces of evil take a holiday.

She waves her wand and is dressed in pale blue robes, her short blond hair piled high on top her head in a mound of curls.

Remus: When will you be home?

Alphie (smirking): Before the next full moon.

She Apparates with a pop.

SCENE: The brunette is lying flat on her back in a very masculine looking bedroom. A man, his long red hair pulled back into a ponytail, kisses a trail down her front, pausing to focus on her navel. He lifts his head briefly, and a glint of silver is seen as he grabs something from the bedside cabinet. With a muffled moan, he turns back to his fun. When he emerges again, a sharp fang earring is seen hanging from the woman’s navel, .a twin to the one in the man’s own ear.

Ginny (laughing): Smooth…very smooth. So, how long do I have to leave it in?

Bill: I would hope you’d never want to take it out?

Ginny flicks his own fang earring, grabs his hair at the back, and pulls him down for a long kiss.

Bill: How do I break this spell you’ve cast over me?

Ginny: You’re the expert. You tell me.

Bill: On second thought, I like things just the way they are.

He kisses her deeply again. He continues to kiss her, ignoring the letter that has just been dropped by an irritating owl. After a few moments, she manages to push him away and reaches for the letter.

Bill: This is ridiculous. I wouldn’t mind so much if I knew what it is you did for this Charlie.

Ginny: Do I detect a hint of jealousy?

She reads over the letter.

Bill: Jealous of a mysterious guy who sends letters to my girlfriend, causing her to up and leave me in the middle of making love? Why would I ever be jealous of that?

Ginny: Oh Bill…you have nothing to worry about. I’ve never even seen Charlie.

She waves her wand and is dressed in a two-piece robe set that shows off the belly button fang quite nicely.

Bill: And Charlie…why does he have to be called Charlie? It’s bad enough that you have the same name as my sister. With your boss being Charlie, I feel like you’re working for my little brother.

Ginny: HA! Wouldn’t that be funny? I’m sorry love, but I have to go…

She kisses him one last time and Apparates with a pop.

Chapter Two

SCENE: The interior of Charlie’s office. It’s filled with unusual objects and photos of the ladies in various outfits from various assignments. There are two couches placed across from each other in the middle of the room, with a large desk at the end of the room. The desk is empty except for a large leather bound book placed in the center. Ginny is fixing herself something vegetarian to eat as Jane and Alphie wait on opposite sofas.

Alphie: He’s just going to have to accept the fact that you have a busy life, Ginny.

Jane: Exactly. Sirius and I have an agreement. I don’t ask him…he doesn’t ask me.

Alphie: That’s because he doesn’t want to here your sordid sex tales.

Jane: Oh, but he does. Though he'd rather I just show him.

Ginny: Please guys, can we focus here? I’m afraid I’m going to lose him.

Ginny takes a seat next to Jane who notices, for the first time, the fang belly button piercing.

Jane: Looks to me like he’s left his mark on you, babe.

Alphie sits up, stunned at the sight.

Alphie: Oh my gosh! Did that hurt?

Ginny: No…it was actually very arousing.

Jane: And you say I have the dirty mind.

Alphie: It matches his earring perfectly. Did he pierce it for you?

Before Ginny can answer, the doors fly open and a tall man in full wizard apparel enters the room making grand swooping gestures. The ladies are not impressed.

Jane, Ginny, and Alphie (dully): Good morning, Seamus.

Seamus: How come you three never recognize my greatness?

Alphie: Great at what? Getting us into trouble?

Ginny: Or just acting like a total moron?

Seamus appears dumbfounded. Jane stands up and walks to him. She puts her arms around him flirtatiously.

Jane: Oh, Seamus, you know we adore you.

Seamus: Really?

Jane: No…but I thought it would make you feel better.

The book on the desk flutters open and white light shines from it. A voice is heard coming from the book.

Charlie: I trust I’m not interrupting anything?

Seamus: Actually, Charlie, Jane here was just about to show me all her secrets.

Ginny: Oh that should take ’bout two seconds.

Charlie: I hope I didn’t disturb you all this morning, but something very important has come to my attention.

Jane takes a seat again and the four listen intently to their boss.

Charlie: As you may have noticed, dark activity hasn’t yet subsided as much as we’d hoped it would. Voldemort’s death seems to have encouraged certain Death Eaters to come out into the open to avenge his loss. One in particular caught my attention. A rather tricky little man has been toying with the Muggles. But last night he went too far. A witch was killed in a Muggle bar; the ministry worked all night to cover it up. The Death Eater got away, but not cleanly. The bartender had heard him give his name to the girl he killed. He said he would never forget a strange name like that. Vapid.

The three witches exchange uneasy glances. Ginny especially looks put out by the mention of his name

Seamus: Do you recognize the name?

Jane: We’ve…er…met.

Charlie: You know the Death Eater in question?

Alphie: Not personally. But he was at Hogwarts when we were.

Jane: He was in the same year as Ginny.

Ginny: Yes, he was suspected in the murder of a Ravenclaw Prefect my fourth year. Gompers was her name. She had been dating him for a while.

Seamus: What happened?

Ginny: Rumor had it that he was rather, er, orally fixated…if you know what I mean. His mouth was literally the death of her.

A look of utter horror crossed Seamus’s face.

Jane: The seventh years had a rumor his jaw was made of some kind of metal.

Alphie: The second years believed his mouth to work as some sort of vacuum.

Ginny: Whatever it was, it wasn’t nice. They never found enough evidence to charge him, though, and he went free. He left Hogwarts after that.

Charlie: Well, it seems he’s up to his old tricks again. I need you to find out what his plans are. If he’s intending to take Voldemort’s place as the leader of the Death Eater’s, then we need to stop him.

Seamus: What’s the plan?

Charlie: There’s a function being held tonight at Potter’s Lodge. It’s a formal event and Vapid wouldn’t miss the chance to make his presence known in front of Harry Potter. I want you four to attend that party and locate him. Ginny, you work your magic on him and get him to reveal the location of his hide out. Jane and Alphie, you help as needed, but once the information is secured, I want Ginny and Alphie to leave for the hide out and see what is there. Jane, you will stay behind and distract him. Do not let him leave the party before you get word from Ginny and Alphie that they are safe. Seamus will be there with you in case something goes wrong.

Jane: I think I can handle this one myself.

Charlie: I don’t want to take any chances. I don’t like the way this guy works and I don’t want one of my witches injured by the likes of Vapid.

Alphie: Understood.

Ginny: What’s the "all clear" signal?

Charlie: I think an owl post delivering a fang would be a nice touch.

Ginny’s mouth hung open and Jane and Alphie laughed.

Jane: Got it. We’re on the case.

Alphie: Time to play dress up!

Chapter Three

SCENE: Potter’sLodge. An exquisite mansion fashionably decorated for a young bachelor. Jane, Alphie, and Ginny arrive together at the front doors and, after handing Dobby their invitation, are escorted into the great hall. Jane, dressed in a black strapless gown with a slit up one side, makes her way over to where a group is discussing the dessert of choice… pie.

Zsenya: Dr. Cornelius, please try my pie! It’s peach…it’s the newest recipe from As Easy as Pie by Julia Childlikewonder.

Dr. Cornelius (backing away): No thanks, I think I’ll stick to the delicious trifle.

Moey: But Dr. C! I thought you loved pie…we made it especially for you!

Dr. Cornelius: You misunderstood…I love pi – it’s my favorite number. 3.1415926535…

Zsenya: Yes, we get the picture…but won’t you have even a bite?

Poppy: Z, after the brownie incident, Dr. C isn’t going to go anywhere near any of your baked goods…

Dr. Cornelius (relieved): Oh, look, it’s Jane!

Jane: Dr. Cornelius, Zsenya, Moey! How are you?

Moey: Jane, you look positively stunning! Have you met Poppy?

Jane: It’s a pleasure to meet you Poopy.

Poppy: It’s Poppy.

Jane (laughing): Poppy, Poopy…it’s all the same amongst friends, isn’t it? Of course it is…

Ginny, still fond of her new jewelry, chose to wear another two-piece, but this one is red and has a skirt to the floor. She wanders over to two witches engrossed in a heated discussion.

Ginny: Well, look at this! It’s my favorite lawyer and my favorite musician all in one place!

Jen: Ginny! Just the person I wanted to see. I wrote a new song! Listen…

(sings) Fire crab, fire crab, your shell shines so bright…

Fire crab, fire crab, will you make it through the night?

Because your shell is so rare, evil comes your way

Have no fear, help is near, CRAB will save the day…

Ginny: It’s lovely Jen, just lovely. Very fitting for a benefit for the Crab Replenishment and Advancement Bureau.

Durayan: Yes, I’m trying to recruit Jen to be a spokesperson for CRAB…can’t hurt to lift the fire crab’s image.

Ginny: Oh dear, has Hagrid done it again?

Durayan: Yes…he took his pet crab out for a walk in Hogsmeade and a prat of a wizard was burnt. Served the git right if you ask me – he had his sights on a new, jeweled cauldron, I guarantee it.

Jen: But it’s Hermit’s third offense. He might be executed.

Ginny: I’m sure you’ll win…you’re the best lawyer I know. You got Sirius free…

Durayan: Where is that old dog? I haven’t seen him in ages. What, does Jane keep him chained up?

Ginny: Yes, well, er…it’s just the ladies tonight…you know, duty calls.

In the meantime, Alphie catches sight of Jill and Caitlyn…

Caitlyn: Seriously, Jill, you must let me do it. I guarantee the Sahara Charm will keep your cellar dry for years!

Jilliana: I do declare, Caitlyn, sometimes I find it difficult to believe you’re still a teenager. That is such a wonderful idea! When can we do it?

Caitlyn: I can come over to…Jill! That’s not Alphie, is it!

Alphie: The one and only. Jill, Cait! What a surprise!

Jilliana: How funny! I’m bumping into everyone I know tonight!

Alphie: Really? Who else was here?

Caitlyn: Oh, I don’t know if you know her… Lily Angelphish? She’s from the same village as us.

Alphie: Lily…Lily…wait! Is she the one that’s engaged to a Weasley?

Jilliana: Yes! One of the cousins. They all look alike, don’t they?

Caitlyn: No, some of them definitely stand out…

Alphie: Cait! What would your boyfriend say?

Caitlyn (smiling): What? I can look, can’t I?

The ladies continue to mingle, constantly keeping an eye out for their prey. Seamus enters soon after and is instantly swept up into conversation by the evening's host, Harry Potter. The three girls notice this and decide to join their conversation.

Harry: I heard you were working for a private division of the ministry.

Seamus: Yes, and enjoying the perks immensely.

Harry: And what are these perks?

Seamus: Funny you should ask. Harry Potter, I think you’ve met my coworkers? Jane, Alphie, Ginny…

The witches, each in turn, give Harry a hug and kiss hello.

Harry: You’re a lucky man, Seamus.

Alphie: You have no idea.

Jane: Yes, Seamus, if it weren’t for us, lord only knows where you would be.

Harry: Sirius didn’t mention you would be here tonight…

Jane: No, he was a bit tied up…he’s very sorry he couldn’t make it.


Something catches Ginny’s eye causing her to jump slightly.

Ginny: Spotted him. In the doorway to the parlor.

The group turns around to see a short Asian man leaning forward over a rather shy looking witch.

Alphie: Vapid…

Jane: I thought he’d be taller by now.

Ginny: Probably never outgrew his adolescence.

Alphie: I feel sorry for that witch.

They suddenly realized that Harry was still listening to their conversation.

Harry: Do you know Lavender?

Jane: Who?

Harry: The witch talking to that Asian gentleman you seem to know.

Ginny: Wait a minute. You don’t know Vapid?

Harry: Should I?

The girls begin to converse again as if they are the only three in the room.

Alphie: If Harry doesn’t know him, then that means he wasn’t invited.

Jane: How did he get in here without an invitation?

Ginny: He either managed to sucker someone into bringing him with them or he has someone on Harry’s staff that’s working for him and they let him in.

Alphie: Who’d be dumb enough to invite a weasel like Vapid to a party?

A high-pitched laugh echoes across the hall. The three ladies look over to see Lavender fully enjoying her time with Vapid.

Jane: Guess that answers our question.

Ginny: We’ve got to get her away from him before she agrees to stay the night with him.

Alphie: She looks like the type who will believe anything. And judging by the looks of her gown, she’s really only impressed by money.

Alphie gives Jane a "are you thinking what I’m thinking" look.

Jane: I think it’s time for the fashion police to help a young innocent with that dreadful sartorial faux pas.

Alphie: Absolutely. Ginny, now’s your chance.

Alphie and Jane boldly interrupt Vapid’s fake story describing how he saved some baby’s life by telling Lavender her dress simply reeks of last season. They sweep her off to the bathroom to update her look, leaving Vapid alone and unsuspecting. Ginny is about to approach him, but Vapid has already set his sights on a young witch…

Vapid: I couldn’t help but notice you standing here all by yourself. Does a lovely creature like you have a name?

Asia (nervously): It’s, er, Asia. Asia Elizabeth. I’m sorry, do I know you?

Vapid: No, but I can rectify that. My name is Vapid…you may have heard of me.

Asia: Vapid? It doesn’t sound familiar. Oh wait! You’re not the International Quidditch Superstar – Vapid Swiftfoot!

Vapid (smoothly): I could be if you want…

Asia: Oh, never mind…I think his name was Rapid.

Vapid: So, Asia, what an unusual name. Perfectly suited for the unique beauty that stands before me…

Vapid leans over, his face drawing closer to Asia, his hand reaching behind her. Ginny gets ready to step in, but the young witch has the situation well in hand. Vapid falls backward, clutching his groin, face contorted in pain.

Asia: I didn’t get top marks on my Defense Against Foul Wizard N.E.W.T. for nothing…

Asia stalks away, her head held high. Ginny waits until Vapid has recovered, allowing herself to control her own laughter. Vapid looks up, his eyes taking in the approaching witch.

Vapid: Well, hello there, gorgeous.

Ginny: Hello yourself.

Vapid: Please tell me you are alone.

Ginny: I’m with you. That’s hardly alone.

Ginny leans in closer to Vapid and he stand up straight, startled by her forwardness.

Vapid: I can see you are my kind of lady.

Ginny: And I can see you want to tell me exactly where your house is located.

Ginny’s green eyes flash and Vapid’s eyes are locked into the gaze. His face goes slightly pale and a dreamy look crosses his face. Ginny has hypnotized him.

Vapid: My home is in Kent.

Ginny: Is that where you operate your business dealings from?

Vapid: No, that would be too obvious. I have a secret cabin for that.

Ginny: And where is this secret cabin?

Vapid: Godric’s Hollow…at the far end of the forest.

Ginny breaks her gaze and Vapid falls out of his trance.

Vapid: So, would you like to have breakfast with me?

Ginny doesn’t really hear him as she is glancing around for Jane and Alphie.

Ginny: Sure…whatever.

Vapid: Should I Apparate to you or just nudge you?

Realizing what he just said, Ginny rolls her eyes and walks away from him, disgusted.

Ginny: Stupid git.

Chapter Four

SCENE: Alphie and Ginny have left for Vapid’s safe house. Seamus has positioned himself on the upper balcony where he has a perfectly clear view of Vapid. Jane seductively approaches him and drops her bag at his feet on purpose. Vapid notices and bends down to pick up the handbag. On his way up, he takes time to run his eyes over Jane’s shapely leg, which she has conveniently extended through the slit of her dress.

Vapid: I couldn’t help but notice…you dropped this.

Jane: Thank you.

Vapid: What’s a beauty like you doing here alone?

Jane: Looking for you.

Vapid: Really?

Jane: I never joke when it comes to getting what I want.

Vapid: Ah! And what is it that you want?

Jane: I heard you had…certain talents.

Vapid: I have many talents, my dear.

Vapid leans toward Jane and whispers in her ear.

Vapid: As a matter of fact, I’m here on business…

Jane: Really? What sort of business?

Vapid: Let's just say that as a supporter of the dark cause, I find it my personal duty to take out the enemy, Harry Potter.

Jane: You’re a Death Eater? And you're going to take on the famous Harry Potter?

Jane pretends to be impressed by his admission and stares at Vapid with wide-eyed wonder.

Jane: Oh my! Aren’t you afraid of being found out?

Vapid: I have a network of spies all around the building. Potter will never know what hit him. And none of my spies would dare turn against me. So, the only one I have to worry about giving me away…is you?

Jane plays along with him, pretending to be fascinated by his tale and in awe of his bravery.

Jane: Me? Don't be silly, Vapid. What could I possibly do? I'm just a little woman.

Vapid: A very sexy woman.

Jane: Who happens to need a drink.

Vapid: Allow me.

Vapid escorts Jane to the bar where he orders two glasses of champagne. Jane insists on something harder and orders a Scotch. She downs her drink with Vapid looking on in awe. He follows suit. They order another drink and head out to the veranda. Jane glances up at Seamus and signals for him to follow.

Vapid: I like a woman who can hold her liquor.

Jane: I’m better at holding other things.

Vapid: I’d like to see that. Shall we finish our drinks and go some place more private?

Jane: I’d like that, but only if we take a few more of these along with us.

She holds up her now empty glass and once again, Vapid is stunned.

Jane: Tell you what. You run along and tell the bartender to give us the whole bottle and meet me at the foot of the stairs. I’ll make arrangements for us to be alone.

Vapid kisses her hand and does as she instructed. Seamus comes around the corner to protest.

Seamus: I can’t leave you alone with that man. Charlie would kill me.

Jane: Don’t worry. He won’t be much of a threat once he’s had a little bit of this.

She holds up a vile containing some blue powder. She shakes it at Seamus.

Jane: Crushed asphodel and wormwood…he’ll be asleep in no time. Now go and ask our delightful host if there is a room he can spare for a while?

Seamus finds Harry and arranges for Jane to use the upstairs parlor. He had been sure not to procure a bedroom. Jane waits patiently at the foot of the steps. Vapid nonchalantly strolls up to her with a confident leer on his face.

Jane: The upstairs parlor appears to be empty.

Vapid: Then what are we waiting for? I suggest we ensure that lovely room doesn’t go to waste.

Jane: Are you sure you want to do this? Don’t you have more important matters to attend to this evening?

Vapid: That can wait.

Jane: All right, just give me five minutes to take care of a, er, personal matter. You’ll have everything ready?

Vapid: You can count on it.

He takes her hand and kisses it before turning up the stairs. Jane pauses to down one last glass of Scotch before she taking a deep breath and heading up the stairs. She reaches the parlor door, Seamus following behind at a safe distance. He is rather put out when Jane closes the parlor door with a satisfied look on her face. She turns to find Vapid lying on a chaise, wearing pleather pants that appeared to be painted on, a scarlet boa the only object between Jane and his bare chest. Jane nearly falls over in laughter. Regaining control and struggling to keep her face passive, she asks in her most sultry voice…

Jane: So tell me, Vapid, what are your plans for this evening?

Vapid: Firstly, I intend to make sure you are well satisfied in the ways of love. And secondly, I will see to it that Harry Potter never bothers another living soul again. My darling, you have no idea how it feels to be on the edge of victory over your enemy.

Jane: Oh, I think I can imagine.

She pours him a drink. Walking over to the chaise, drink in hand, she proposes a toast to victory.

Chapter Five

SCENE: Godric’s Hollow out side Vapid’s cabin in the forest. There is a rustling in the bushes near the front door and voices can be heard speaking in whispers, but no one can be seen.

Ginny: I don’t think anyone is here.

Alphie: No, it appears to be empty. And I don’t think any of the villagers suspected anything.

Ginny: Then let's go inside and get out from under this thing.

The doorknob can be seen turning and the door opens. A second later it shuts. The two witches appear from under the Invisibility Cloak and begin searching the building. It’s decorated as a hunting lodge with dozens of stuffed animal heads mounted on the wall.

Ginny: I’d like to do that to Vapid.

Alphie: No, thanks. I wouldn’t want Vapid’s face looking at me all the time.

Ginny: Me neither. Poor Jane.

Alphie: Yeah, let’s try to make this quick. For Jane’s sake. I’ll start in the library. You look in the front room.

In the front room, Ginny wonders around and finds empty bottle after empty bottle strewn across the floor. Ginny picks one up and examines the label – ‘Quirrelmeister – A Drop of Squirrel’s Blood in Every Bottle’. She drops the bottle in disgust, wiping her hand as she reaches the desk. There she finds a stack of letters hidden in a drawer from various women praising Vapid’s strength and courage, though Ginny noted none of them mention his endurance. Then Ginny finds a letter that piques her curiosity. It is lying out in the open, in full view. It is an unsigned letter, but it is obviously from another Death Eater.

Ginny: How irresponsible. You shouldn’t leave things like this lying around, Vapid. Someone might find it.

She opens it and reads about a plot to murder Harry Potter at the very party they had just left. A rage starts to burn in Ginny’s stomach, and she heads around to the library to tell Alphie that they need to get back to Potter’s Lodge.

In the library, Alphie has been rummaging through file after file of reports on Death Eaters. She slams the drawer shut in frustration and sits down at the desk to think. She opens the desk drawer and flips through the papers, stopping in the middle and staring in disbelief. She slowly pulls out the parchment and reads out loud:

Alphie: Kwikspell: A correspondence course in Beginner’s Magic?

She reads through the other papers and goes back to the files tracking Death Eater activity.

Alphie: That little liar. Well, he certainly took a page out of Lockhart’s book didn’t he?

Ginny comes running around the corner, the letter held in her hands.

Ginny: Alphie, we have to get back to the party! Harry’s in danger. Vapid is planning to kill him.

Alphie: (laughing) I don’t think so.

She holds up the Kwikspell parchment for Ginny to see.

Ginny: Why would a Death Eater be interested in Kwikspells?

Alphie: Because he’s not a Death Eater. He’s a squib. Look, I found all this information on dark activity. It seems Vapid’s been tracking it on purpose. He then goes to the area of the activity and makes sure he’s seen. He wants people to believe he’s a Death Eater.

Ginny: But why?

Alphie: My guess is to frighten them. To make himself appear more powerful than he really is.

Ginny: Then what about this?

She hands the letter to Alphie and explains how she found it and several other letters like it, hidden in the front room. They return to the other letters and begin to read them thoroughly.

Alphie: These stupid girls are impressed by it! That’s why he’s doing this! It’s his pick up line!

Ginny: Oh come on. What girl wants to date a Death Eater?

Alphie: One who admires a man with strength and power and wants to share in his glory. Listen to this… "Promise me that when this war is well and truly over, we will stand together in the end. I will be by your side and you will make it known how much I have given for the cause!" This witch is in love with him. They're all in love with him. I bet he left that letter about the supposed murder plot out in the open because he had someone in here, and he wanted her to see it. That’s probably how he got invited to the party.

Ginny: But he’s nothing but a squib with a talent for lies.

Alphie: Yup. It’s my belief that Harry Potter is in no danger. This Vapid is harmless, though very foolish.

Ginny: But, what about the witch…the one that was killed at the Muggle bar?

Alphie: I don’t know…they found her in a back room, her clothes half off. It seemed she choked to death, but there were no marks on her neck.

Ginny: Well, there’s only one way to find out what really happened. I think it’s time we taught Vapid a lesson.

Alphie: Oh please…we’ve got to make this good!

Chapter Six

SCENE: Inside the parlor at Potter’s Lodge, Vapid is passed out over the arm of a chair. Jane is chatting with Seamus in the doorway about how easy it was to get him to fall for her and how he readily drank anything she put in front of him. An owl flutters in the open window carrying a letter that Jane takes from it and opens.

Jane: It’s from Alphie and Ginny…

Seamus: I thought the signal was the fang thing?

Jane: SShhh…listen to this! It appears our mysterious Death Eater is nothing but a rotten Squib! Why that miserable little flobberworm. He’s only been posing as a Death Eater in order to impress the women.

She laughs out loud and is bent double with laughter.

Seamus: So, what are we supposed to do with him?

Jane reads on. She smiles evilly and laughs.

Jane: Brilliant…absolutely brilliant!



SCENE: The dead of night in the middle of nowhere. Vapid is lying on the rocky ground. Jane and Ginny stand a few feet away from him with their wands out, ready to strike. He slowly regains consciousness and look up at the ladies in puzzlement.

Jane: Get up.

Ginny: You’re going to face this like a man…if that's possible for a Horklump.

Vapid stands up and brushes himself off.

Vapid: Ladies…I don’t know what the problem is here, but I’m sure we can work ….

Ginny: The problem is that you are a Death Eater…

Jane: And we don’t like Death Eaters.

Ginny: No we don’t. In fact, we’ve been ordered to kill any Death Eaters in the vicinity.

Jane: Lucky thing I brought my wand.

Jane takes out a tube of lipstick, calmly applying it before flicking it lightly with her forefinger. The tube transforms into a wand, which is pointed right at Vapid. Stunned, Vapid shakes his head in disbelief.

Vapid: No! You misunderstand. You don’t want to kill me. I’m not a Death Eater.

Jane: Oh yeah? That’s not what you told me. Remember? You plan to do away with Harry Potter?

Vapid: That? That was just a lie…

Ginny: We found proof! A letter addressed to you, plotting the attack.

Vapid stares at them in horror. He turns and starts to run in the opposite direction. He is suddenly and mysteriously thrown to the ground with a loud thud. Alphie removes her Invisibility Cloak and takes out her wand.

Alphie: Somehow, we just knew you’d try to run. Predictable.

Vapid: Really…ladies…I’m not the man you think I am.

Jane: We never thought you were a man, but we didn't know you were such a rat.

Alphie: And we’ve seen no proof to the contrary.

In total panic, Vapid stands up - his hands up in the air, shaking.

Vapid: Please! You don’t understand! I’m not a Death Eater! I use it as a line! Girls tend to be impressed by it! I wrote that note myself. I don’t even have the power to do that sort of magic! Really! You’ve got to believe me!

Ginny: So then…you lied?

Vapid: Yes!

Jane: You’re a squib?

Vapid: Yes!

Alphie: And you have absolutely no power to harm anyone?

Vapid: None! I don’t even fly very well.

The three ladies exchange knowing looks and smile at what they have done.

Alphie: I don’t believe him. Seamus….

Seamus appears holding onto the end of a leash. At the other end of the leash are two of the most disgusting creatures Vapid has ever seen.

Vapid: What are those?

Ginny: Blast-Ended Skrewts. And they appear to be rather feisty tonight.

Vapid: No…please…I beg you!

Alphie: I think the Skrewts are too much for him. Maybe you can deal with him, Jane?

Jane: My pleasure.

Jane transforms into her panther self and snarls at Vapid. He, in turn, lets out a loud wail of terror. Jane transforms back into her human self just as a trickle of fluid runs down Vapid's leg and forms a puddle at his feet.

Vapid: Oh no! See! Would a Death Eater wet himself?

The three witches grimace in distaste.

Ginny: No, I suppose not. But what about what happened last night. The witch at the Muggle bar…

Vapid: What Muggle bar?

Alphie: Don’t play dumb…we know you were there. You were seen speaking to the witch just before you lead her out of the bar and into the back room, where they found her dead!

Vapid glances around nervously.

Jane: Harmless, are you? I think not…

Jane raises her wand…

Vapid: All right, all right…I was there. But it was an accident!

Ginny: You seem to have a lot of those.

Vapid (shaking): I, I met her at the bar…convinced her to go where we can be alone…

Jane: How?

Vapid: I, I told her I was an International Quidditch Superstar…Rapid Swiftfoot…she didn’t seem too impressed by the dark arts, so that’s my back up. I went to change into my love outfit.

Jane (laughing): Not the same ‘love outfit’ you wore tonight?

Vapid: Yes! Just what’s so wrong with it?

Alphie: Vapid, baby, if we have to tell you that….

Vapid: Well, apparently I said something very witty. She started laughing and choked on her drink. I, I got nervous and ran.

Seamus: Ran? A simple unstopping spell would have cleared her windpipe!

Vapid: I told you…I’m not a Death Eater…I’m not a Quidditch star…I’m just a squib…

Jane: Why did you go through all this trouble, Vapid? Couldn’t get a lady any other way?

Alphie: Are you compensating for something?

Vapid: Yes…yes…It’s impossible for me to meet women otherwise…

Vapid is reduced to tears.

Vapid: I’ve never even been with a woman! Not since Gompers. I’ve got a limp dick. It’s pathetic!

The three ladies and Seamus have had enough, even though they are all holding back laughter.

Jane: Clothes…take them off now.

Vapid: What?

Jane: Take off your clothes.

Vapid does as he’s told to and everyone gets a good look at his little problem. Then, one by one, they mount their brooms and prepare to leave.

Ginny: Have fun getting out of here, Vapid!

Alphie: This is a No Apparating Zone.

Jane: But then, as a squib, you probably can’t Apparate anyway.

They fly off, leaving behind a naked, sobbing, and broken Vapid.


SCENE: China. A dragon is seen in the distance. Charlie looks through his omnioculars at the dragon. An owl suddenly brings a letter to him and he opens it. It is a report of his witches dealings with Vapid. He laughs heartily and runs his hand through his thick, flaming red hair.

Charlie: That’s the way girls. Bravo.

The End


A/N part 2: Hoped you liked it. We took the ending from True Lies so we don’t own that either. If you laughed at all…please review!


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