The Sugar Quill
Author: The Weirder Sisters (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: The Hogsmeade Howler  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

Disclaimers: We are not J.K. Rowling - on an irresponsible spree or not - and do not, sadly, own or make profit from the use of her characters. Much thanks and appreciation to her for many hours of fun.

Credits: Thanks to Zsenya for her irresistible recognition of Arabella’s house color as Old Man Pants. We couldn’t help ourselves. Thanks to Rugi and Gwena’s "Tough Guide" for inspiring the bathroom safety story.

The Hogsmeade Howler, Phoenix Publishing. Vol. 1, Edition 1

May 7, 2002

Staff: Publisher/were-editor: Kate Griffith. Staff writers: Esmerelda, Elspeth the Deranged, Raven "Squidge" Fortuna.

~ News: BLACK SEEN, Ministry stymied: LONDON (Associated Wizarding Press) The convicted murderer Sirius Black was reported seen by several observers in London Thursday. Due to wildly conflicting reports, however, the notorious escapee from Azkaban Prison wasn’t apprehended.

Five witnesses all saw a gaunt, dark-haired man stalking down various lanes in the magical community. However, all stories differed in one respect – the length of Black’s hair. One witch said she saw Black with long, silky tresses in front of Madame Dulcissima’s unmentionables shop. A warlock insisted he saw Black with a "high-and-tight" in Knockturn Alley. Two young schoolwitches said they saw the criminal, this time sporting shaggy curls down to his tattered collar, looking over the harps in Ditty’s Music Store on Diagon Alley. Yet another witness reported seeing Black in curlers in Mme. Coiffure’s Coiffurery.

Ministry spokeswizard Nosh Grindston said he believed the witnesses did indeed see Black and the wizarding world’s most wanted man would surely be found soon by Ministry Aurors, who were out scouring the countryside last night.

Old Man Pants Arrested: LONDON Ministry of Magic Aurors rescued Archie Pants, 174, of Gully Jerkins, after his arrest by Muggle please-men Tuesday for public intoxication and falsification of documents during a shopping trip in the capital city. Pants was five steps away from the Leaky Cauldron door, wearing a flowered gown of the type commonly worn by Muggle women as sleepwear, when he was apprehended.

"Didn’t do nothin’!" Pants told the Howler. "I was just standin’ there and then all these great bloody off’cers jumped on me."

Aurors Apparated onto the scene and Obliviated the Muggles’ memories at the city jail. A high-level Ministry official told reporters today on the condition of anonymity that the Aurors’ appearance was delayed because they were placing bets on the color of Pants’ slip.

"The please-men apparently thought Old Man Pants was merely intoxicated and of course could not understand his Apparating license," the official said. "None of this would have happened if the old man would just wear trousers."

Pants said he was considering a lawsuit against the London authorities, although such attempts have failed in similar circumstances as the please-men’s memories invariably fail under wizard cross-examination.

Witness kicked: LONDON (AWP) An unidentified wizard was listed in critical condition at St. Mungo’s with injuries to the legs after being found unconscious behind a door in an abandoned house in Diagon Alley Thursday. St. Mungo’s spokeswizard Jack Heist said the wizard had regained consciousness late in the evening and, though remembering nothing of the attack, was criticizing the nurses’ every move.

Ministry officials said the wizard had been apparently repeatedly kicked in the shins. They suspect that the attack may have been motivated by the wizard’s earlier report to Aurors that he had seen escaped murderer Sirius Black in curlers in a popular beauty salon.

~Agony Column:

    • From Stardust to Larry: Please come home, darling. I wouldn’t have thrown the teapot at you so hard if I had known that was your real hair. Forgive and forget?
    • From Dodderus "The Flash" to Millicent: Please believe me, Millylilly- I didn’t know you were so sensitive about it. The ladyslippers are drooping so with you gone. Come back! Come back!

~Have trouble with garden gnomes? Bundimuns? House-elves? See Household Tips by Esmerelda: Hello, lovies, today I have for you tips for the kitchen – To keep dishes from clinking too hard against each other as they land on the shelves, try charming them with a Cushioning Charm as they enter the cupboard. Give two swishes, one flick of the wand and say, "Discus culcita!" or, as my mother in the old home country would say, "Wrrgzsky vortublusk!" – To put your bread mould to good use, repulse the mould from the crumbs and store in a brown glass jar. Send your mould to St. Mungo’s Division of Benevolence and they will send it via liaison to the London Muggle hospital for use as medicine, poor dears.

~Almanack: Last quarter moon. Cool days, cooler nights. Fog. Moonrise: too much fog to say. Black dog weather. Sunrise: between 4 and 9 a.m. Sun set: during or just after supper, will be blood-red. Plant greens and mustards between 2 and 5 a.m. on the south side of stout oaks only.

~Zodiac, by Sibyll Trelawney, contributing editor: Aries (Mar. 21-April 20) You’re moving so fast you may want to watch that wall, dear, upcoming on your left, because when you hit it, ruler Mars will aspect Saturn, which limits mind and body, and you will suffer unmitigated disaster of the left ear. Taurus (April 21-May 21) You will be thrown off a stagecoach. Avoid brooms, carpets, cars and all other forms of transport. Do not attempt to avoid fate by Apparating. You will splinch. Gemini (May 22-June 21) Mars and Saturn will collaborate to make you organize your life, so stop hanging about with Seamus Finnigan. Cancer (June 22-July 23) The elements are set for you to see extraordinary things today, both in present and future, though not so well as I. However, you may never see them, for I foresee you will drop your crystal ball on your foot. Beware tetanus. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23) Big ideas, eh, loudmouth? Keep them to yourself or you will most certainly be eaten by a lion on your way to supper, BWA-ha-ha! Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23) Look for trouble from your superiors and avoid forks. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23) The planets are spinning right into your areas of optimism! Expect depression today, and a blinding headache. Don’t try to fight it; it’s fate. Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22) With the planet of war close to the planet of restriction, it’s best to avoid libraries. Don’t dip your books into the bathwater, or you’ll regret the untimely loss of your fingers. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21) The planets are against you. If you speak up, you will be quashed. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 20) Don’t touch that. Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar.20) You will be mugged in a corridor or loo shortly. Avoid Augureys.

~School News: Our own Raven reports that Hogwarts will soon have new loos constructed for the new school year as there are currently only two and students keep getting attacked in them in nasty ways. One loo belongs to the prefects and the other is infested by a splorching ghost. The new loos will have pastel doors and a swarm of butterflies to show they’re safe.

"We’re glad to see Hogwarts doing something with the were-guild money," said a concerned parent. "It’s just not right, students getting attacked in a school bathroom."

~ Rites of Passageweddings, births, Magical Inklings: Young Trudy Scamander Stotte, aged 19 months, exhibited her first inkling of magic Monday by transfiguring her creamed greenblortt into rhubarb pie. Proud parents are Finnie and Lancaster Stotte. Trudy is the great-great-great-great-granddaughter of Newt and Porpentina Scamander of Dorset.

* Mr. and Mrs. Fusteroon Stampgout are pleased and relieved to announce the engagement and approaching marriage of their daughter, Malaise, to Robert Best Frumpington of West Ham and Cheese, son of Mr. and Mrs. Tanner Frumpington of West Ham and Cheese.

The happy couple will be united on June 11 in a traditional jump-the-broom ceremony in Mistioptick Hall, Hogsmeade.

Miss Stampgout is a 1950 graduate of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and is a performance artist living in a cellar. Mr. Frumpington is a 1951 graduate of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and went on to have a brilliant career as a Quidditch referee. He is only lately returned from the Tangent Coast, where he spent 47 years in a coma directly following Game Six in the 1954 World Quidditch Games.

~ Entertainment: Gilderoy Lockhart, author of Magical Me and several other adventure tomes, will be a guest on Blanche Odont’s Before-Tea Show at 14:11 Wizarding Time on Tuesday, May 7. Lockhart is also the author of Gilderoy Lockhart’s Guide to Household Pests. He is the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.

~ Sports: see next edition for the complete 2002 guide to Backlot Quidditch.

~ Public Announcements: The Royal Humane Society for Magical Creatures would like to remind readers to please spay and neuter their pets. Even wizards cannot curb the astronomical reproduction rate of Kneazles, plot bunnies and Puffskeins.

~ Advertisements:

* Yard sale at Ozmandia Birch’s house. Items for sale include collapsible cauldron, owl cage, school robes size 8, spellbooks – slightly muffled - and one shoe. NO payments in leprechaun gold.

* New shipment of Trick Knee Gingerbread Men at Honeyduke’s: Legs creak as they’re eaten! Also Lollygagging Pops: will alternately sag and gag in the mouth! Limit two per customer.

* Get your Squelching Slips at Zonko’s! Zonko’s, the only wizarding joke shop in Britain’s only all-wizarding village, now has inserts for wellies in stock! Three sizes. Place Squelching Slips on the soles of your friends and family! Listen as their boots come alive with horrible, lifelike sounds! Comes with patented invisibility charm.

~Letters to the Editor: (Note: contact the Howler staff at Letters may be edited for grammar and length.) From Twiggy Dippling: Dear Editor, I would just like to thank that wonderful Bill Weezly for his help the other evening, you know when it was so stormy with all the rain and that simply enormous piece of lightning – anyway, there I was, all alone on that dark road to Frizzen Whisky – they really should do something about lights, I never learned the Bluebell Flame Charm, it was so hard, wasn’t it? – anyway, there I was all alone with a flat broomtwig and it raining and all. And this tall boy – and so handsome, too, all that wild hair – stopped to help me. Turns out it was little Bill from down in Ottery St. Catchpole. I hadn’t seen him since I was visiting his mother that time and he hexed his brother and Molly had to have the healer up to the village. Children do grow so, don’t they? He changed that twig out in no time at all and he was so polite! Anyway, I would just like to say I don’t think the youth of our time are going down the drain at all, not with nice young men like that Bill Weezly.

~Got a story idea? Contact the Howler staff at

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The Sugar Quill was created by Zsenya and Arabella. For questions, please send us an Owl!

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