The Sugar Quill
Author: Wicked Witch  Story: Bleeding Red and Gold  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, Sirius and Remus would spend all the books completely naked.

Note: The title comes form a saying us Redskins fans use when a player is a dedicated Skin, except then it's burgundy not red.

None of them will ever understand what I'm feeling now. They try to, but you can't ever truly understand without being a victim of this. It's not Voldemort - facing him is like a walk in the park compared to facing this every day. People, Muggles and wizards, call my problem a disease. But it is much worse than a disease. I would rather go through Wizard's Fever ten thousand times over than spend one day with what I have. It is more like a curse than a disease, a curse that affects everything you do and everyone you know. And the people that you do know will never truly know you because of this. My few good friends often try to understand, but I could never tell them. Would they still like me if they knew? Maybe they would, but I cannot risk losing the first friends I have because of my problem.

I have clinical depression. Although a doctor has not officially diagnosed me, I have read enough books on depression to know. I first started seeing symptoms at the beginning of Third Year. But I blamed it on stress and worry, which is quite easy to do when one is taking three more courses than is recommended and thinks that one of her best friends is being stalked by a murderer. Fourth Year was not much better, with the Triwizard Tournament and Rita Skeeter and the fight between Ron and Harry. The not sleeping, irritability, and loss of appetite could easily be blamed on any of those events. And even in Fifth Year, my depression would have gone unnoticed if it were not for Harry.

Naturally we were all worried about Voldemort's rise. But it was Christmas morning and not a Yule Ball in sight, so the three of us were quite happy. I was opening my gifts, which included an OWL preparation book from Harry, Worthless and Even More Worthless Charms That You Have To Know Because They Will Be On The OWLs, and a calendar from Ginny.

And then there were the sugar quills from Ron. It was an extraordinarily sweet gift - no pun intended- as sugar quills are my favorite type of wizarding sweet, but I just gave Ron a weak smile as thanks. Harry approached me after breakfast and asked me what was wrong and why didn't I love Ron's present. I must have mentioned to him and Ron how much I liked sugar quills one time, although I would be a bit surprised if both were actually listening to me. My guess is that only one was paying attention to me and told the other one afterwards. But somehow Harry knew. He told me how long Ron looked for a box of sugar quills, as they are normally sold individually, and how much Ron wanted me to love them. I denied the problem, and he left me alone. And then I broke down crying.

I couldn't tell Harry. I couldn't tell him that every morning when I wake up, I want to die, and every night when I go to sleep, I want to die. And I certainly couldn't tell him how much I hated the sugar quills, because from the moment I opened them, I knew that I loved Ron. I knew sugar quills were not normally sold in boxes, and I loved that he had searched for one for me. I loved the fact his note was carefully written, unlike all his schoolwork. I love how any time I am upset, he does everything he can to make me smile. But nothing he can do can make me smile when I think of the sugar quills.

Because I can never tell Ron that I love him, because he could never love me back. Who would love a depressed, bossy, over-achieving, know-it-all? And I certainly cannot tell Harry. Harry has enough to worry about without me to think about.

I get angry for no reason. If my homework is not perfect, I redo it. I lose sleep worrying about Transfiguration grades, instead of worrying if Harry will still be alive tomorrow night. I criticize my friends constantly. I become annoyed at the twins, just because they try to make life just a bit funnier for the rest of us.

Last night, I thought about turning my own wand on myself. I may not be powerful enough for Avada Kedavra, but a simple severing charm should work. But I couldn't, because on top of being a bossy know-it-all, I'm also a coward. So much for bleeding red and gold.

Write a review! PLEASE NOTE: The purpose of reviewing a story or piece of art at the Sugar Quill is to provide comments that will be useful to the author/artist. We encourage you to put a bit of thought into your review before posting. Please be thoughtful and considerate, even if you have legitimate criticism of a story or artwork. (You may click here to read other reviews of this work).
* = Required fields
*Sugar Quill Forums username:
*Sugar Quill Forums password:
If you do not have a Sugar Quill Forums username, please register. Bear in mind that it may take up to 72 hours for your account to be approved. Thank you for your patience!
The Sugar Quill was created by Zsenya and Arabella. For questions, please send us an Owl!

-- Powered by SQ3 : Coded by David : Design by James --