A little note: this may be regarded as a companion to
my Hogwarts Original Pranksters series (yes, I think I might write the second
year as well… have fear :o]), but isn’t necessarily. It was just a slightly
mindless piece of dialogue I wrote within a few hours, but I had fun writing
it. The result of what some weird ideas and a slight writer’s block can lead
an author to. Oh dear.
Setting: Christmas vacation, third year in James’, Lily’s and Co’s generation.
Lily has invited James, Sirius and Remus to spend a few days with her and her
family – Peter is at his mum’s. Lily’s just learned that a young lady who lives
near by is pregnant, and so is now thinking about having to name the children
she’ll probably have someday.
Disclaimer: The names of the characters don’t belong
to me, and neither do the characters themselves – sometimes they just seem to
live by themselves, you know ;o]
LILY: So then, what are you going to name your children?
JAMES: Uh? Er, pardon Lil’, but you’re only thirteen and you’re already
thinking of having kids? (silence) D’you really want to know my opinion
about it?
LILY: Spill the beans.
JAMES: You’re mad.
LILY: And you’re unimaginative. So, the names?
SIRIUS: Can I ask you why you want to know that so much?
JAMES: No, actually it’s a good question. I think I’ll name my kid Jake.
Jake’s cool.
LILY (sarcastic): Oh yeah, totally cool. What if it’s a girl?
JAMES: It won’t be a girl.
LILY: And why is that?
REMUS: Yes, why that, James?
JAMES: Because I say so.
SIRIUS: I’m with you on that one, Jamsie. A boy is definitely more fun
than a girl.
REMUS: Hmm …
JAMES: No, please Remus, whatever you want to say right now, keep it
to yourself.
SIRIUS: Yeah, you’re always sticking up for Lily anyway. It’s not fun.
LILY: I don’t believe it. Fun – can’t you think of anything else? You’re
so – so – such –
JAMES (offering): –Boys?
LILY: Yes. Yes, you’re such boys. And don’t you think
I mean it as a compliment.
REMUS: Oh, so that means I’m not a boy, doesn’t it?
LILY (shrugs): Of course not, Remus.
(SIRIUS and JAMES exchange glances.)
JAMES (raises an eyebrow): Ah. And – what is he, then?
LILY (quite serious): Remus is a gentleman.
SIRIUS (snorts): Oh, yeah, of course.
JAMES (chuckles): We’ve known that for years.
SIRIUS: Three, to be exact.
JAMES: Three and a half, you mean.
SIRIUS: Nah, nine and three quarters.
JAMES: What about five and a third?
SIRIUS: Or ten point forty-two?
LILY: Stop it, both of you! You’re not making any sense.
REMUS: I don’t think I’ve heard three and a quarter, which is actually
the right number.
LILY: Remus!
SIRIUS: Yes, (fake falsetto voice) Remus!
REMUS: Whatever. (gives a quizzical sweet smile) What were we
talking about before that number stuff?
LILY: Names for children.
JAMES: Yeah, and mine will be Jake James Potter.
SIRIUS: Sounds awful.
LILY: You can’t possibly know how much it hurts me to say that, but
I agree with Sirius.
SIRIUS (suddenly starts jumping up and down): Yippee!! Crack
open the Butterbeer, guys! Lily agrees with me! (puzzled frown) About
what anyway, Lil’?
LILY: James’s poor kid’s name. (rolls eyes at SIRIUS)
Honestly, don’t you ever pay attention to –
JAMES (vexed tone): Well, you find a better name if you’re so
clever, then.
SIRIUS (turns to LILY): Yeah, you just do that.
REMUS: I thought you agreed with Lily, Sirius.
SIRIUS: Me, leaving old Jamsie’s side? (shakes his head) I thought
you knew me better than that, mate. (stage whisper to JAMES)
But you must admit that "Jake James Potter" sounds terrible. Poor
kid.
JAMES: Right then, take out the middle name. Sounds better now, Jake
Potter.
LILY gives a silent chuckle. JAMES frowns in her general
direction.
JAMES: All right, tell us what you’ll name your kids then.
SIRIUS: Bet she’ll want a girl.
REMUS: Two Galleons on a boy.
LILY: You can start paying Remus right now, Sirius.
JAMES: What? But I thought –
LILY: I mean, having a girl would be fine, we could play dolls, talk
about girls’ stuff and all that, but a boy’d be great too. I could make a gentleman
out of him.
SIRIUS: Oooh, that was a proposal, Rem!
JAMES: Er, Lily? I thought we’d look nice together…
LILY(shrugs): Yeah, maybe. But I’m not going to spend the rest
of my life with you, am I? I’ve still got plenty of years yet to come! I want
to enjoy life at least a bit!
JAMES pouts.
LILY: Don’t pout. (sarcastic, Sirius-like sort of grin) You’re
not fun.
SIRIUS: Go, girlie!
JAMES (still pouting) Sirius, you traitor. If I get to marry
some girl someday, I forbid you to come to my wedding.
SIRIUS (lightly): I don’t give a damn about that, Jamsie. (wolf-like
grin) As long as I’m invited to the bachelor party.
REMUS (to LILY): So, what will you name your child,
Lily?
LILY: If it’s a girl, I think it’ll be –
JAMES: Rose!
SIRIUS: Violet!
JAMES: Heather!
SIRIUS: Daisy!
JAMES: Does that count if I say "Chrysanthemum"?
LILY: You stupid – moron – mindless – boys.
JAMES: Fair enough. Oh well, I take out the Chrysanthemum. But you must
admit that your family does have a thing for flower-linked names.
REMUS: So then Lily, the name?
SIRIUS (sticks out his tongue to REMUS): Shut up,
gentleman.
REMUS: You shut up, O Not-So-Serious One, or I shall start on
about your relatives all being named after stars.
JAMES (stage whisper to REMUS): Guess he’s calling
his daughter Cassiopeia. That sort of thing runs in the family.
REMUS (same hushed tones): Nah, Andromeda would be better, I
think.
SIRIUS (loudly): I heard you, and I don’t think so. And I want
a son. A daughter is not practical.
REMUS: Oh, so that’d be a Sirius, Junior then. You’re horrid to say
that, by the way.
LILY: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Star-Boy. Anyway, to answer Remus’s
question, my son will be named Harry.
JAMES: Harry? (goggles at LILY) No way. Harry’s
much too common.
SIRIUS: Cheer up, Jamsie! Lily’s got a thing for common names – you’ve
got a chance, then!
LILY: Harry is not common. Harry is classy. And I don’t have to ask
you your opinion anyway.
JAMES: Classy, my foot. Can’t I add some weird sort of middle name if
I’m at least godfather?
SIRIUS: Something beginning with a J?
JAMES: Whatever, Sirius…
SIRIUS: So then, Harry Jeffrey-Robinson-Napoleon-Rupert Potter. Now
that’s more like it.
JAMES: You’re mad. I’m not marrying Lily and I’m certainly not naming
a poor kid Harry, for Merlin’s sake! Not mentioning what you’ve just added to
it!
REMUS: Wait, there’s also Jeremy-Brett-Caesar-Charlie.
JAMES: You’re both mad. Don’t even get me started on that.
LILY: What about Jonathan-Thomas-Theodore-Louis?
JAMES: The three of you are totally –
SIRIUS: Geez, James, put another record on, will you?
JAMES shrugs. REMUS laughs.
REMUS: C’mon, James, you know she always has the last word eventually.
SIRIUS: Listen to the gentleman here. (turns to JAMES)
Besides, as you pointed out so cleverly not so long ago, we’re only thirteen.
So I guess the two of you will have to wait a bit before bringing up seriously
the matter of little red-haired, four-eyed kids.
REMUS: Yeah, it’s not as if you two having a kid would totally change
life on this side of the Earth, if you forgive my expression…
JAMES: No offence, Rem. And Sirius – for your own sake, don’t you ever
say again that I’m four-eyed.
SIRIUS: I don’t remember doing so.
REMUS: Run for your life, Sirius! He’s going after you!
LILY: Yeah, James may be four-eyed but he’s got quite some legs.
REMUS (raises an eyebrow at LILY): Oh really, Lily?
LILY (flushes pink at the ears): Yes – I mean – no – I didn’t
mean that he’s got quite some fine legs – oh well, he has but that’s
not the point – oh God!
LILY runs away, balancing between dying of shame and shaking with
laughter. SIRIUS and REMUS are shouting with laughter
at JAMES who doesn’t know where to hide himself.
*~*~*
And the subject is closed for a long, long time. Actually, nobody knows
now that Harry Potter was almost named Jake James Potter, Chrysanthemum Potter,
or even had almost had Jeffrey-Robinson-Napoleon-Rupert as a middle name. But
that was a close shave ^_^
*~*~*
You know, some say that if Cleopatra’s nose had been shorter, the face of
the world might have changed. You can see what’s been avoided by not making
Harry Potter’s name longer…
*~*~*~*
P.S.: Sorry for this slightly disturbing stuff. As someone once
said, I never said I was sane, you know :o]
Love from Belphegor~the Weird One!~
