The Sugar Quill
Author: Belphegor (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Did You Say Kids?  Chapter: default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.


A little note: this may be regarded as a companion to my Hogwarts Original Pranksters series (yes, I think I might write the second year as wellÖ have fear :o]), but isnít necessarily. It was just a slightly mindless piece of dialogue I wrote within a few hours, but I had fun writing it. The result of what some weird ideas and a slight writerís block can lead an author to. Oh dear.

Setting: Christmas vacation, third year in Jamesí, Lilyís and Coís generation. Lily has invited James, Sirius and Remus to spend a few days with her and her family Ė Peter is at his mumís. Lilyís just learned that a young lady who lives near by is pregnant, and so is now thinking about having to name the children sheíll probably have someday.

Disclaimer: The names of the characters donít belong to me, and neither do the characters themselves Ė sometimes they just seem to live by themselves, you know ;o]


LILY: So then, what are you going to name your children?

JAMES: Uh? Er, pardon Lilí, but youíre only thirteen and youíre already thinking of having kids? (silence) Díyou really want to know my opinion about it?

LILY: Spill the beans.

JAMES: Youíre mad.

LILY: And youíre unimaginative. So, the names?

SIRIUS: Can I ask you why you want to know that so much?

JAMES: No, actually itís a good question. I think Iíll name my kid Jake. Jakeís cool.

LILY (sarcastic): Oh yeah, totally cool. What if itís a girl?

JAMES: It wonít be a girl.

LILY: And why is that?

REMUS: Yes, why that, James?

JAMES: Because I say so.

SIRIUS: Iím with you on that one, Jamsie. A boy is definitely more fun than a girl.


JAMES: No, please Remus, whatever you want to say right now, keep it to yourself.

SIRIUS: Yeah, youíre always sticking up for Lily anyway. Itís not fun.

LILY: I donít believe it. Fun Ė canít you think of anything else? Youíre so Ė so Ė such Ė

JAMES (offering): ĖBoys?

LILY: Yes. Yes, youíre such boys. And donít you think I mean it as a compliment.

REMUS: Oh, so that means Iím not a boy, doesnít it?

LILY (shrugs): Of course not, Remus.

(SIRIUS and JAMES exchange glances.)

JAMES (raises an eyebrow): Ah. And Ė what is he, then?

LILY (quite serious): Remus is a gentleman.

SIRIUS (snorts): Oh, yeah, of course.

JAMES (chuckles): Weíve known that for years.

SIRIUS: Three, to be exact.

JAMES: Three and a half, you mean.

SIRIUS: Nah, nine and three quarters.

JAMES: What about five and a third?

SIRIUS: Or ten point forty-two?

LILY: Stop it, both of you! Youíre not making any sense.

REMUS: I donít think Iíve heard three and a quarter, which is actually the right number.

LILY: Remus!

SIRIUS: Yes, (fake falsetto voice) Remus!

REMUS: Whatever. (gives a quizzical sweet smile) What were we talking about before that number stuff?

LILY: Names for children.

JAMES: Yeah, and mine will be Jake James Potter.

SIRIUS: Sounds awful.

LILY: You canít possibly know how much it hurts me to say that, but I agree with Sirius.

SIRIUS (suddenly starts jumping up and down): Yippee!! Crack open the Butterbeer, guys! Lily agrees with me! (puzzled frown) About what anyway, Lilí?

LILY: Jamesís poor kidís name. (rolls eyes at SIRIUS) Honestly, donít you ever pay attention to Ė

JAMES (vexed tone): Well, you find a better name if youíre so clever, then.

SIRIUS (turns to LILY): Yeah, you just do that.

REMUS: I thought you agreed with Lily, Sirius.

SIRIUS: Me, leaving old Jamsieís side? (shakes his head) I thought you knew me better than that, mate. (stage whisper to JAMES) But you must admit that "Jake James Potter" sounds terrible. Poor kid.

JAMES: Right then, take out the middle name. Sounds better now, Jake Potter.

LILY gives a silent chuckle. JAMES frowns in her general direction.

JAMES: All right, tell us what youíll name your kids then.

SIRIUS: Bet sheíll want a girl.

REMUS: Two Galleons on a boy.

LILY: You can start paying Remus right now, Sirius.

JAMES: What? But I thought Ė

LILY: I mean, having a girl would be fine, we could play dolls, talk about girlsí stuff and all that, but a boyíd be great too. I could make a gentleman out of him.

SIRIUS: Oooh, that was a proposal, Rem!

JAMES: Er, Lily? I thought weíd look nice togetherÖ

LILY(shrugs): Yeah, maybe. But Iím not going to spend the rest of my life with you, am I? Iíve still got plenty of years yet to come! I want to enjoy life at least a bit!

JAMES pouts.

LILY: Donít pout. (sarcastic, Sirius-like sort of grin) Youíre not fun.

SIRIUS: Go, girlie!

JAMES (still pouting) Sirius, you traitor. If I get to marry some girl someday, I forbid you to come to my wedding.

SIRIUS (lightly): I donít give a damn about that, Jamsie. (wolf-like grin) As long as Iím invited to the bachelor party.

REMUS (to LILY): So, what will you name your child, Lily?

LILY: If itís a girl, I think itíll be Ė

JAMES: Rose!

SIRIUS: Violet!

JAMES: Heather!

SIRIUS: Daisy!

JAMES: Does that count if I say "Chrysanthemum"?

LILY: You stupid Ė moron Ė mindless Ė boys.

JAMES: Fair enough. Oh well, I take out the Chrysanthemum. But you must admit that your family does have a thing for flower-linked names.

REMUS: So then Lily, the name?

SIRIUS (sticks out his tongue to REMUS): Shut up, gentleman.

REMUS: You shut up, O Not-So-Serious One, or I shall start on about your relatives all being named after stars.

JAMES (stage whisper to REMUS): Guess heís calling his daughter Cassiopeia. That sort of thing runs in the family.

REMUS (same hushed tones): Nah, Andromeda would be better, I think.

SIRIUS (loudly): I heard you, and I donít think so. And I want a son. A daughter is not practical.

REMUS: Oh, so thatíd be a Sirius, Junior then. Youíre horrid to say that, by the way.

LILY: Iíll pretend I didnít hear that, Star-Boy. Anyway, to answer Remusís question, my son will be named Harry.

JAMES: Harry? (goggles at LILY) No way. Harryís much too common.

SIRIUS: Cheer up, Jamsie! Lilyís got a thing for common names Ė youíve got a chance, then!

LILY: Harry is not common. Harry is classy. And I donít have to ask you your opinion anyway.

JAMES: Classy, my foot. Canít I add some weird sort of middle name if Iím at least godfather?

SIRIUS: Something beginning with a J?

JAMES: Whatever, SiriusÖ

SIRIUS: So then, Harry Jeffrey-Robinson-Napoleon-Rupert Potter. Now thatís more like it.

JAMES: Youíre mad. Iím not marrying Lily and Iím certainly not naming a poor kid Harry, for Merlinís sake! Not mentioning what youíve just added to it!

REMUS: Wait, thereís also Jeremy-Brett-Caesar-Charlie.

JAMES: Youíre both mad. Donít even get me started on that.

LILY: What about Jonathan-Thomas-Theodore-Louis?

JAMES: The three of you are totally Ė

SIRIUS: Geez, James, put another record on, will you?

JAMES shrugs. REMUS laughs.

REMUS: Címon, James, you know she always has the last word eventually.

SIRIUS: Listen to the gentleman here. (turns to JAMES) Besides, as you pointed out so cleverly not so long ago, weíre only thirteen. So I guess the two of you will have to wait a bit before bringing up seriously the matter of little red-haired, four-eyed kids.

REMUS: Yeah, itís not as if you two having a kid would totally change life on this side of the Earth, if you forgive my expressionÖ

JAMES: No offence, Rem. And Sirius Ė for your own sake, donít you ever say again that Iím four-eyed.

SIRIUS: I donít remember doing so.

REMUS: Run for your life, Sirius! Heís going after you!

LILY: Yeah, James may be four-eyed but heís got quite some legs.

REMUS (raises an eyebrow at LILY): Oh really, Lily?

LILY (flushes pink at the ears): Yes Ė I mean Ė no Ė I didnít mean that heís got quite some fine legs Ė oh well, he has but thatís not the point Ė oh God!

LILY runs away, balancing between dying of shame and shaking with laughter. SIRIUS and REMUS are shouting with laughter at JAMES who doesnít know where to hide himself.



And the subject is closed for a long, long time. Actually, nobody knows now that Harry Potter was almost named Jake James Potter, Chrysanthemum Potter, or even had almost had Jeffrey-Robinson-Napoleon-Rupert as a middle name. But that was a close shave ^_^


You know, some say that if Cleopatraís nose had been shorter, the face of the world might have changed. You can see whatís been avoided by not making Harry Potterís name longerÖ


P.S.: Sorry for this slightly disturbing stuff. As someone once said, I never said I was sane, you know :o]


Love from Belphegor~the Weird One!~



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