A little note: this may be regarded as a companion to
my Hogwarts Original Pranksters series (yes, I think I might write the second
year as wellÖ have fear :o]), but isnít necessarily. It was just a slightly
mindless piece of dialogue I wrote within a few hours, but I had fun writing
it. The result of what some weird ideas and a slight writerís block can lead
an author to. Oh dear.
Setting: Christmas vacation, third year in Jamesí, Lilyís and Coís generation.
Lily has invited James, Sirius and Remus to spend a few days with her and her
family Ė Peter is at his mumís. Lilyís just learned that a young lady who lives
near by is pregnant, and so is now thinking about having to name the children
sheíll probably have someday.
Disclaimer: The names of the characters donít belong
to me, and neither do the characters themselves Ė sometimes they just seem to
live by themselves, you know ;o]
LILY: So then, what are you going to name your children?
JAMES: Uh? Er, pardon Lilí, but youíre only thirteen and youíre already
thinking of having kids? (silence) Díyou really want to know my opinion
LILY: Spill the beans.
JAMES: Youíre mad.
LILY: And youíre unimaginative. So, the names?
SIRIUS: Can I ask you why you want to know that so much?
JAMES: No, actually itís a good question. I think Iíll name my kid Jake.
LILY (sarcastic): Oh yeah, totally cool. What if itís a girl?
JAMES: It wonít be a girl.
LILY: And why is that?
REMUS: Yes, why that, James?
JAMES: Because I say so.
SIRIUS: Iím with you on that one, Jamsie. A boy is definitely more fun
than a girl.
REMUS: Hmm Ö
JAMES: No, please Remus, whatever you want to say right now, keep it
SIRIUS: Yeah, youíre always sticking up for Lily anyway. Itís not fun.
LILY: I donít believe it. Fun Ė canít you think of anything else? Youíre
so Ė so Ė such Ė
JAMES (offering): ĖBoys?
LILY: Yes. Yes, youíre such boys. And donít you think
I mean it as a compliment.
REMUS: Oh, so that means Iím not a boy, doesnít it?
LILY (shrugs): Of course not, Remus.
(SIRIUS and JAMES exchange glances.)
JAMES (raises an eyebrow): Ah. And Ė what is he, then?
LILY (quite serious): Remus is a gentleman.
SIRIUS (snorts): Oh, yeah, of course.
JAMES (chuckles): Weíve known that for years.
SIRIUS: Three, to be exact.
JAMES: Three and a half, you mean.
SIRIUS: Nah, nine and three quarters.
JAMES: What about five and a third?
SIRIUS: Or ten point forty-two?
LILY: Stop it, both of you! Youíre not making any sense.
REMUS: I donít think Iíve heard three and a quarter, which is actually
the right number.
SIRIUS: Yes, (fake falsetto voice) Remus!
REMUS: Whatever. (gives a quizzical sweet smile) What were we
talking about before that number stuff?
LILY: Names for children.
JAMES: Yeah, and mine will be Jake James Potter.
SIRIUS: Sounds awful.
LILY: You canít possibly know how much it hurts me to say that, but
I agree with Sirius.
SIRIUS (suddenly starts jumping up and down): Yippee!! Crack
open the Butterbeer, guys! Lily agrees with me! (puzzled frown) About
what anyway, Lilí?
LILY: Jamesís poor kidís name. (rolls eyes at SIRIUS)
Honestly, donít you ever pay attention to Ė
JAMES (vexed tone): Well, you find a better name if youíre so
SIRIUS (turns to LILY): Yeah, you just do that.
REMUS: I thought you agreed with Lily, Sirius.
SIRIUS: Me, leaving old Jamsieís side? (shakes his head) I thought
you knew me better than that, mate. (stage whisper to JAMES)
But you must admit that "Jake James Potter" sounds terrible. Poor
JAMES: Right then, take out the middle name. Sounds better now, Jake
LILY gives a silent chuckle. JAMES frowns in her general
JAMES: All right, tell us what youíll name your kids then.
SIRIUS: Bet sheíll want a girl.
REMUS: Two Galleons on a boy.
LILY: You can start paying Remus right now, Sirius.
JAMES: What? But I thought Ė
LILY: I mean, having a girl would be fine, we could play dolls, talk
about girlsí stuff and all that, but a boyíd be great too. I could make a gentleman
out of him.
SIRIUS: Oooh, that was a proposal, Rem!
JAMES: Er, Lily? I thought weíd look nice togetherÖ
LILY(shrugs): Yeah, maybe. But Iím not going to spend the rest
of my life with you, am I? Iíve still got plenty of years yet to come! I want
to enjoy life at least a bit!
LILY: Donít pout. (sarcastic, Sirius-like sort of grin) Youíre
SIRIUS: Go, girlie!
JAMES (still pouting) Sirius, you traitor. If I get to marry
some girl someday, I forbid you to come to my wedding.
SIRIUS (lightly): I donít give a damn about that, Jamsie. (wolf-like
grin) As long as Iím invited to the bachelor party.
REMUS (to LILY): So, what will you name your child,
LILY: If itís a girl, I think itíll be Ė
JAMES: Does that count if I say "Chrysanthemum"?
LILY: You stupid Ė moron Ė mindless Ė boys.
JAMES: Fair enough. Oh well, I take out the Chrysanthemum. But you must
admit that your family does have a thing for flower-linked names.
REMUS: So then Lily, the name?
SIRIUS (sticks out his tongue to REMUS): Shut up,
REMUS: You shut up, O Not-So-Serious One, or I shall start on
about your relatives all being named after stars.
JAMES (stage whisper to REMUS): Guess heís calling
his daughter Cassiopeia. That sort of thing runs in the family.
REMUS (same hushed tones): Nah, Andromeda would be better, I
SIRIUS (loudly): I heard you, and I donít think so. And I want
a son. A daughter is not practical.
REMUS: Oh, so thatíd be a Sirius, Junior then. Youíre horrid to say
that, by the way.
LILY: Iíll pretend I didnít hear that, Star-Boy. Anyway, to answer Remusís
question, my son will be named Harry.
JAMES: Harry? (goggles at LILY) No way. Harryís
much too common.
SIRIUS: Cheer up, Jamsie! Lilyís got a thing for common names Ė youíve
got a chance, then!
LILY: Harry is not common. Harry is classy. And I donít have to ask
you your opinion anyway.
JAMES: Classy, my foot. Canít I add some weird sort of middle name if
Iím at least godfather?
SIRIUS: Something beginning with a J?
JAMES: Whatever, SiriusÖ
SIRIUS: So then, Harry Jeffrey-Robinson-Napoleon-Rupert Potter. Now
thatís more like it.
JAMES: Youíre mad. Iím not marrying Lily and Iím certainly not naming
a poor kid Harry, for Merlinís sake! Not mentioning what youíve just added to
REMUS: Wait, thereís also Jeremy-Brett-Caesar-Charlie.
JAMES: Youíre both mad. Donít even get me started on that.
LILY: What about Jonathan-Thomas-Theodore-Louis?
JAMES: The three of you are totally Ė
SIRIUS: Geez, James, put another record on, will you?
JAMES shrugs. REMUS laughs.
REMUS: Címon, James, you know she always has the last word eventually.
SIRIUS: Listen to the gentleman here. (turns to JAMES)
Besides, as you pointed out so cleverly not so long ago, weíre only thirteen.
So I guess the two of you will have to wait a bit before bringing up seriously
the matter of little red-haired, four-eyed kids.
REMUS: Yeah, itís not as if you two having a kid would totally change
life on this side of the Earth, if you forgive my expressionÖ
JAMES: No offence, Rem. And Sirius Ė for your own sake, donít you ever
say again that Iím four-eyed.
SIRIUS: I donít remember doing so.
REMUS: Run for your life, Sirius! Heís going after you!
LILY: Yeah, James may be four-eyed but heís got quite some legs.
REMUS (raises an eyebrow at LILY): Oh really, Lily?
LILY (flushes pink at the ears): Yes Ė I mean Ė no Ė I didnít
mean that heís got quite some fine legs Ė oh well, he has but thatís
not the point Ė oh God!
LILY runs away, balancing between dying of shame and shaking with
laughter. SIRIUS and REMUS are shouting with laughter
at JAMES who doesnít know where to hide himself.
And the subject is closed for a long, long time. Actually, nobody knows
now that Harry Potter was almost named Jake James Potter, Chrysanthemum Potter,
or even had almost had Jeffrey-Robinson-Napoleon-Rupert as a middle name. But
that was a close shave ^_^
You know, some say that if Cleopatraís nose had been shorter, the face of
the world might have changed. You can see whatís been avoided by not making
Harry Potterís name longerÖ
P.S.: Sorry for this slightly disturbing stuff. As someone once
said, I never said I was sane, you know :o]
Love from Belphegor~the Weird One!~