(What if Harry tried to use the map to meet his father?)

"Hello, my name is Harry Potter, I was wondering if I could talk to my father."

(silence)

Mr. Prongs wonders who this Potter fellow is--  Nobody here by that name.

"All right then, my name is Prongs Junior, can I talk to my father?"

(silence, then)

Mr. Padfoot asks: Prongs Junior? Are you serious?

Mr. Wormtail replies: No, you're Sir-- oops, never mind, I'm not supposed to say that.

But you're really the son of Prongs? Woo woo woo, Prongs, I always knew you had it in you!

All right, Prongs!

Mr. Moony adds: But I've never known a Junior to be produced by just one person. Who's the lucky lady, I'd like to know?

"Err, my mother's name was Lily."

Yes! I knew it! Prongs and Tiger Lily, all the way!

No surprise to any of us, I don't think!

Hey, why no comment, Prongs? A little bashful, are we, in the presence of our prodig-- I mean our progeny-- which is it again?

It's progeny, you idiot, but you're right. I think Prongs is a little EMBARRASSED!!

No, it's not that. Did you say your mother "was" Lily?

(silence)

"Well, yes."

Meaning, no longer alive?

And am I alive? In real life, I mean? Is that why you asked to talk to me?

(silence)

(choked up) "Well, yes. You... you and my mother were killed by Lord Voldemort when I was a baby. I still hear it happening every time a Dementor comes around me: You going out to fight Voldemort, and then Voldemort killing Mum and laughing..." (voice breaks and can't continue)

(silence)

Wow, he is serious. And don't say it, Wormtail.

Has Voldemort taken over everything, then? Is that how Snape got to be a professor at Hogwarts?

Say You-Know-Who, will you? 

(swallowing hard, taking a deep breath, and recovering his voice) "No, no, Dumbledore's still here. And I don't know why he trusts Snape, but he does. He says Snape used to be a Death Eater but isn't anymore. And the
reason Voldemort didn't take over is because... because Mum died to save me, so that when he tried to do the Avada Kedavra curse on me it bounced back at him. No, it didn't kill him, it just made him into kind of a ghost thing, except not really. He got his body back this spring and now he's trying to take over again."

(silence)

Good old Tiger Lily. Standing up to Voldemort like that.

Come on, say You-Know-Who!

I can't believe it. Well, yes, I can. You really found a good one, Prongs.

You're a lucky guy, Prongs. I'm serious.

What do you mean, lucky? He's dead!

What about the others? You do know who Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot are, don't you? Are they still together?

"Well, no. You're my godfather, Padfoot. You're on the run from the Ministry of Magic. They think you betrayed my parents and killed a bunch of Muggles. You spent twelve years in Azkaban, and then escaped, in the... in the form of Padfoot. I wish I could talk to you more often, but you've been on the run for two years and I haven't gotten to see much of you."

So... so... well, what about Moony, then?

"Moony was my favorite teacher at Hogwarts my third year. He taught Defense Against the Dark Arts. Snape hated him almost as much as he hates me. At the end of the year he had to resign because Snape told all the Slytherins about his being... well, being Moony."

That greasy slimeball.

With a big nose, too.

Prongs, you should have just let Moony take... oops, sorry, Moony.

Padfoot, please! But what about Wormtail?

(silence)

(with disgust) "Wormtail... Wormtail, you dirty rat. You pretended to be my best friend's pet rat for my first three years at Hogwarts. Then I found out what you really were. You betrayed my parents and framed my godfather. Then you went back to your Master Voldemort and helped him get his body back. You stabbed me and used my blood to bring him back. Now you're trying to help him take over again and kill me for real this time. I wish I had let Padfoot and Moony kill you like they wanted to in my third year. You rat. It's... all your fault I've never known my parents." (chokes up again)

(silence)

He's lying! He's lying! He's got to be! You guys know me, I'd never do that!

I'd like to think so. But he doesn't sound to me like he's lying.

You ought to know about that, Moony, all those times at the full moon!

And he talks just like Prongs. He's for real, all right. I can't believe you'd do that to us, Wormtail.

Sorry, Wormtail. We should have known.

Please, guys! Please! Believe me! I'd never...

(Parchment goes blank. Long silence. Then, slowly, writing appears.)