Disclaimer: It's all J. K. R's.
Note: I am not writing another Sirius/Remus piece, I am not writing
another
Sirius/Remus piece, I am not writing another Sirius/Remus piece. I
am
not in denial, I am not…
Aw, hell.
This is not evidence of my acceptance of the One True Way. Sirius
must
have at least a hundred ways (not all of them can be true, of
course),
and Remus has quite a few of his own, or so I've heard. It is but
One
Possible Way. (Can't I just cling to that little bit of sanity for
now?)
***
To say that Remus Lupin felt awful about himself was a gross
misrepresentation
of the truth. In actuality, he hated what he was with such a furious
passion
that his friends often worried about him. James had told him in no
uncertain
terms that if he didn't lighten up a bit, he would use a Sunshine
Charm
on him.
While they were not far off in assuming that it was Remus'
lycanthropy
which made him so acutely volatile and prone to self-pity, the
remaining
three Marauders couldn't have guessed the true cause of Remus' more
recent
mood-swings.
The absolute, undisguised truth of the matter was that Remus Lupin,
werewolf,
was head-over-tail in love.
This was not a random teenage crush; the object of Remus' affection
was
not blonde and cute with breasts the size of melons, not a match for
him
intellectually (or at least didn't act like it) [1], and certainly
not
someone he was too shy to talk to.
Wherein laid the problem. His name was Sirius Black.
Adolescent boys [2] like Sirius were supposed to be the bane of
Remus'
existence. Remus' life was organized, scheduled, and synchronous
with
what had to be. A werewolf had no room for spontaneity; he needed to
catalogue
everything, had to have a place for everything. Not to do so was
dangerous
to Remus and to those around him.
There should have been no place for Sirius. Sirius was disorder
incarnate;
he dissolved the lives of those around him into complete and utter
pandemonium.
He was chaos.
The two were polar opposites. Remus could not conceivably care for
someone
like Sirius Black. They shouldn't even have been friends.
Why, then, did Remus find his breath coming short when Sirius was
near?
Why did his palms sweat and his heart ache? Why did his pulse race
and
his blood pound furiously in his ears?
Remus had accepted a long time ago that he was not like other boys.
Other
boys went on camping trips during the full moon; Remus was cooped up
in
a shack on a hill. Other boys sneaked home dirty magazines in brown
paper
bags and hid them under their mattresses; Remus had a sketchpad, a
pencil
and a notebook. It was easy to accept the fact that Remus did not
chase
after girls. Frankly, they scared him- all their giggling and
pointing
and gossiping made him very uncomfortable. So Remus had to accept
that
he was different in yet another way from normal boys, and left it at
that.
Still…
That he was in love with his best friend and complete opposite was
a
little over the edge. Remus was not a rebel. He had always
wanted
to be a normal boy, just like every other boy one saw. But he
wasn't.
Remus cursed chaos and closed his eyes. He would need all of his
sleep
for the coming weekend.
*
Remus had gone over this with himself before, and that full moon he
would
do it again anyway. It was in the nature of his curse to brood about
things
he could not have; even the wolf lusted after Sirius' dog form. The
wolf,
however, was less discreet about its emotions and he was sure Sirius
must
have picked up on the scent. Thankfully, this transformation was his
alone;
it was the lunar solstice and far too dangerous for the other
Marauders
to be with him. [3]
So Remus sat, warm enough in the shack that was his prison, lost in
thoughts
that were growing steadily darker. The phantom fingers crept across
him
then, a sure sign of the oncoming transformation, and his skin
prickled.
How many times had he imagined that was something different,
something
less sinister and a lot more normal for teenage boys?
Remus ran his hand back through his hair, causing it to stand even
more
on end. He was glad that he had this moon to himself; the
transformation
scared him and he would gladly keep his friends away from him if he
could.
He appreciated what they had gone through for him more than anything
else
in the world, but when it came to their safety he was still adamant:
this
moon was the solstice; they should all keep as far away as humanly
possible.
Especially Sirius.
Now transformed, the mere thought of the name was driving the wolf
insane.
He threw himself at walls, disregarding pain in search of the dog
that
could not be found. He howled; the man inside wondered if he could
make
Sirius scream like that-
The door opened. It was Sirius.
Remus tried to growl and back away, but the wolf was too strong; he
sprang
forwards.
Transform, damn you! Remus wanted to scream as the wolf
pounced,
hungry for the blood of only one man. But Sirius stayed as he was,
trying
only to fend off the attacks the hungry wolf launched at him, and
then
Remus discovered that he could make Sirius scream like
that…
*
A sudden, sharp intake of breath woke Sirius from his sleep.
Habitually,
he was a light sleeper, a trait that could be considered something
of
a nuisance when you shared a dorm with the three most
nightmare-riddled
students in your year. He recognized the panting as Remus' and his
stomach
gave a funny lurch, but he called out into the darkness anyway.
"Moony?"
"I'm fine, Sirius," came the reply. That was standard-issue
Remus-speak
for, "I just had a nightmare in which I tore one of my friends to
pieces
and savored every minute of it, so please don't talk to me because
you'll
interrupt my self-pitying." [4]
"You lying prat. We're best friends; we're supposed to share these
things.
What was it this time- or should I say, who?"
Remus rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. His voice came
muffled.
"Believe me, you don't want to know."
Sirius sighed. Like it or not (and he didn't), he would not get any
more
out of Remus that night. It was a shame, perhaps, that they could
not
open up to each other. Things might have ended differently if they
had.
As it did happen, however, Remus' hatred for Sirius nearly overcame
his
love for him, and James was no more and nor was Peter, or so he
thought.
As it happened, Sirius went to jail for a series of murders he
hadn't
committed and Remus hated him for it for nearly twelve years.
As it happened, there was no happily-ever-after, there was no life
lived
quietly somewhere together in a suburb, and there was no more
love.
Or so they thought.
End.
**Endnotes: 1) yes, Sirius is supposed to be smart, but I think of
him
as more of a class clown at school and even someone who would be
embarrassed
by signs of being an intellectual. ^_^ 2) No, I meant adolescent
boys-
this is a more schoolage fic; they're only 16, which, to many people
(myself
included) is very much in the range of adolescent boys. (I suspect
Sirius
must have been an adolescent boy for a long time before he grew up…
or
would have been if not for Azkaban.) 3) It was too dangerous for the
Marauders
to be with Remus because the Wolf (I so love using Thing1's
terminology
for it) was going to be out in full force, the moon being in some
position
of power at the lunar solstice (I mostly made that up, but it
sounded
good). 4) Yes, Sirius' slightly insensitive sounding translation
from
Remus-speak was supposed to be a little bit of Sirius in a whole lot
of
Remus… too much Remus can get a person very down.
