The Sugar Quill
Author: Lone Astronomer (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: As It Happened  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

Disclaimer: It's all J. K. R's.

Note: I am not writing another Sirius/Remus piece, I am not writing another Sirius/Remus piece, I am not writing another Sirius/Remus piece. I am not in denial, I am not…

Aw, hell.

This is not evidence of my acceptance of the One True Way. Sirius must have at least a hundred ways (not all of them can be true, of course), and Remus has quite a few of his own, or so I've heard. It is but One Possible Way. (Can't I just cling to that little bit of sanity for now?)

***

To say that Remus Lupin felt awful about himself was a gross misrepresentation of the truth. In actuality, he hated what he was with such a furious passion that his friends often worried about him. James had told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't lighten up a bit, he would use a Sunshine Charm on him.

While they were not far off in assuming that it was Remus' lycanthropy which made him so acutely volatile and prone to self-pity, the remaining three Marauders couldn't have guessed the true cause of Remus' more recent mood-swings.

The absolute, undisguised truth of the matter was that Remus Lupin, werewolf, was head-over-tail in love.

This was not a random teenage crush; the object of Remus' affection was not blonde and cute with breasts the size of melons, not a match for him intellectually (or at least didn't act like it) [1], and certainly not someone he was too shy to talk to.

Wherein laid the problem. His name was Sirius Black.

Adolescent boys [2] like Sirius were supposed to be the bane of Remus' existence. Remus' life was organized, scheduled, and synchronous with what had to be. A werewolf had no room for spontaneity; he needed to catalogue everything, had to have a place for everything. Not to do so was dangerous to Remus and to those around him.

There should have been no place for Sirius. Sirius was disorder incarnate; he dissolved the lives of those around him into complete and utter pandemonium. He was chaos.

The two were polar opposites. Remus could not conceivably care for someone like Sirius Black. They shouldn't even have been friends.

Why, then, did Remus find his breath coming short when Sirius was near? Why did his palms sweat and his heart ache? Why did his pulse race and his blood pound furiously in his ears?

Remus had accepted a long time ago that he was not like other boys. Other boys went on camping trips during the full moon; Remus was cooped up in a shack on a hill. Other boys sneaked home dirty magazines in brown paper bags and hid them under their mattresses; Remus had a sketchpad, a pencil and a notebook. It was easy to accept the fact that Remus did not chase after girls. Frankly, they scared him- all their giggling and pointing and gossiping made him very uncomfortable. So Remus had to accept that he was different in yet another way from normal boys, and left it at that.

Still…

That he was in love with his best friend and complete opposite was a little over the edge. Remus was not a rebel. He had always wanted to be a normal boy, just like every other boy one saw. But he wasn't.

Remus cursed chaos and closed his eyes. He would need all of his sleep for the coming weekend.

*

Remus had gone over this with himself before, and that full moon he would do it again anyway. It was in the nature of his curse to brood about things he could not have; even the wolf lusted after Sirius' dog form. The wolf, however, was less discreet about its emotions and he was sure Sirius must have picked up on the scent. Thankfully, this transformation was his alone; it was the lunar solstice and far too dangerous for the other Marauders to be with him. [3]

So Remus sat, warm enough in the shack that was his prison, lost in thoughts that were growing steadily darker. The phantom fingers crept across him then, a sure sign of the oncoming transformation, and his skin prickled. How many times had he imagined that was something different, something less sinister and a lot more normal for teenage boys?

Remus ran his hand back through his hair, causing it to stand even more on end. He was glad that he had this moon to himself; the transformation scared him and he would gladly keep his friends away from him if he could. He appreciated what they had gone through for him more than anything else in the world, but when it came to their safety he was still adamant: this moon was the solstice; they should all keep as far away as humanly possible.

Especially Sirius.

Now transformed, the mere thought of the name was driving the wolf insane. He threw himself at walls, disregarding pain in search of the dog that could not be found. He howled; the man inside wondered if he could make Sirius scream like that-

The door opened. It was Sirius.

Remus tried to growl and back away, but the wolf was too strong; he sprang forwards.

Transform, damn you! Remus wanted to scream as the wolf pounced, hungry for the blood of only one man. But Sirius stayed as he was, trying only to fend off the attacks the hungry wolf launched at him, and then Remus discovered that he could make Sirius scream like that…

*

A sudden, sharp intake of breath woke Sirius from his sleep. Habitually, he was a light sleeper, a trait that could be considered something of a nuisance when you shared a dorm with the three most nightmare-riddled students in your year. He recognized the panting as Remus' and his stomach gave a funny lurch, but he called out into the darkness anyway. "Moony?"

"I'm fine, Sirius," came the reply. That was standard-issue Remus-speak for, "I just had a nightmare in which I tore one of my friends to pieces and savored every minute of it, so please don't talk to me because you'll interrupt my self-pitying." [4]

"You lying prat. We're best friends; we're supposed to share these things. What was it this time- or should I say, who?"

Remus rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. His voice came muffled. "Believe me, you don't want to know."

Sirius sighed. Like it or not (and he didn't), he would not get any more out of Remus that night. It was a shame, perhaps, that they could not open up to each other. Things might have ended differently if they had.

As it did happen, however, Remus' hatred for Sirius nearly overcame his love for him, and James was no more and nor was Peter, or so he thought.

As it happened, Sirius went to jail for a series of murders he hadn't committed and Remus hated him for it for nearly twelve years.

As it happened, there was no happily-ever-after, there was no life lived quietly somewhere together in a suburb, and there was no more love.

Or so they thought.

End.

**Endnotes: 1) yes, Sirius is supposed to be smart, but I think of him as more of a class clown at school and even someone who would be embarrassed by signs of being an intellectual. ^_^ 2) No, I meant adolescent boys- this is a more schoolage fic; they're only 16, which, to many people (myself included) is very much in the range of adolescent boys. (I suspect Sirius must have been an adolescent boy for a long time before he grew up… or would have been if not for Azkaban.) 3) It was too dangerous for the Marauders to be with Remus because the Wolf (I so love using Thing1's terminology for it) was going to be out in full force, the moon being in some position of power at the lunar solstice (I mostly made that up, but it sounded good). 4) Yes, Sirius' slightly insensitive sounding translation from Remus-speak was supposed to be a little bit of Sirius in a whole lot of Remus… too much Remus can get a person very down.

 

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