The Sugar Quill
Author: Doctor Cornelius (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Zsenya and Arabella's ROXin' Adventure  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

Zsenya & Arabella's ROXin' Adventure


Disclaimer: Non-for-profit fan fiction, based on writings of J.K. Rowling and others.

Submitted for the 1st Annual Sugarquill Fanfic Challenge. Written in honor of the wonderful Headmistresses and Professors, in the hope that they'll all be kind enough to consider copyright infringement, out-of-context quotation, and outright mockery the sincerest forms of flattery.

Note to the Reader: This story contains a large quantity of community inside jokes (which seemed appropriate given the occasion of the community's first anniversary). Veteran SQ members will no doubt catch most of them; newer members may feel a bit lost. If you'd like to get more of the jokes… read the Professors' fanfics!

Happy birthday, Sugarquill!

* * *

Chapter 1: A Muggle Weekend

Our story begins on a dull, gray winter Friday evening. On this particular Friday evening, it so happened that Zsenya and Arabella had gotten together at Zsenya's place with their good friends B Bennett, Cap'n Kathy, First Mate Moey, and Jedi Boadicea for another SugarQuill Summit.

"This ROX!" said Zsenya and Arabella.

Unfortunately, nobody could think of anything interesting to do.

"This SUX," said Zsenya and Arabella.

"So, what do you all want to do?" said Zsenya for the third time.

"I don't know, what do you want to-- DON'T START THAT AGAIN!" replied Arabella. "Maybe we could… go online and tease all the other SugarQuill people about how we're at the Summit and they're not?"

"Been there, done that," said Zsenya.

"Maybe we could get Zsenya to drink Gred & Forges until she starts trying to teach us dancing lessons?" said B Bennett.

"Been there, done that," said the Cap'n. Zsenya glared at her. "Just don't drink straight out of the bottle this time, okay, Z?" Kathy added.

"Or maybe--" said Zsenya, hastily changing the subject. "Maybe we could sit around and make up stories about ourselves in which we all get to be much naughtier than we really are?"

"Been there, done that," said Moey.

"No, you haven't," said Zsenya. "You still owe us minutes from the last three Summits."

"Well, I have done it before… like, maybe six months ago…."

Jedi Boadicea didn't have any suggestions. (She was obviously suffering from a case of Speaker's Block.)

It really seemed like they would have nothing better to do than to go to Zsenya's Muggle boyfriend's experimental music concert that evening. And none of the girls was really looking forward to that; after all, once you've heard one three-hour set of revolutionary, ground-breaking, avant-garde music, you've pretty much heard them all.

"Hey, Zsenya," said the Muggle boyfriend, entering the room accompanied by their cats. "Are you and your friends coming to our gig tonight?"

"Gig?" said Zsenya blankly, looking at the Official SQHQ Laptop Computer as if something might be wrong with the hard drive.

"Oh-- oh, never mind," said her boyfriend, rolling his eyes and heading off to his concert.

It really looked as if they were going to have nothing to do that weekend.

"This SUX," said Zsenya and Arabella.

And then…




a quill came mysteriously floating through the room.

"Hey," said Arabella, "I bet I know what this is!"

"Yeah," said Moey, "it's a real, live sugar quill!"

"No," said Jedi Boadicea, "it's a lame plot device that Dr. C is using to make sure his story meets the requirements of the First Annual SugarQuill Fanfic Tournament!"

"That too," said Zsenya. "Grab hold, everybody!"

And as they all grabbed hold of the sugar quill, they all suddenly felt themselves jerked irresistibly forward. "This ROX!!!" shouted Zsenya and Arabella, as the world disappeared in a whirlwind of swirling colors.


Chapter 2: School Hazards

And so it was that the SugarQuill Gals found themselves deposited by the sugar quill Portkey in the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. No sooner had they all recovered their equilibrium than a tall, red-haired young man walked up to them.

"Good evening, ladies, and welcome to Hogwarts," he said, looking eager to please. "I'm Ron, the youngest, yet most impressive, Weasley man…."

"This ROX!" said Zsenya and Arabella, gleefully.

Suddenly a bushy-haired brunette appeared from behind Ron. "Ronald Weasley!" she yelled. "Honestly, Ron, have you no control over your hormones, they aren't even veela, why must you go drooling over any woman with a foreign accent and treat the girls at this school like they're some sort of trolls…" She dragged him away by one of his now exceedingly bright-red ears.

"That SUX," said Zsenya and Arabella, dully.

Just then, as they were in the corridor approaching the great hall, they heard a shout from behind them. "ELIZABETH!" called a male voice.

The girls looked at each other, puzzled. GP wasn't here, was she?

"Elizabeth Night!" the man called again. They turned and saw another red-haired young man, this one a bit older and with longer hair and a fang earring, looking straight at Jedi Boadicea.

"No, I'm not Elizabeth," explained Jedi. "I'm Jedi Boadicea. Elizabeth is just a fictional character."

"Oh, okay," said the young man, whom they all now knew to be Bill Weasley. "Sorry about that. The 'long, pale hair' kind of threw me for a minute there."

"And besides," Boadicea added, "don't get your hopes up. I'm a Sirius/Elizabeth shipper anyway."

Bill looked puzzled. "A serious Elizabeth shipper?"

"No, not 'serious' as in 'not joking,' 'Sirius' as in 'Sirius Black'."

"Oh-- so you were joking, then?"

"No, I was serious… I mean… well, never mind… but in any case, I'd forget about Miss Night if I were you."

"Oh," said Bill, a bit disappointed.

"But I can introduce you to my friends if you like," added Jedi, as B Bennett magically appeared at her right elbow, followed closely by Zsenya and Arabella (whispering "this ROX!"), with Kathy and Moey not far behind.

* * *

As Jedi Boadicea made her way toward the Great Hall, leaving her friends to follow behind while making the acquaintance of the charming Mr. Weasley, a cold, drawling voice stopped her in her tracks. "Jedi Boadicea? What kind of a stupid name is that?"

"Oh! I've heard of those!" said a fascinated Bill, with the rest of the gals in tow. "That was from another of those Muggle movies that Charlie and I used to sneak into. They were like these wizards in outer space, only with these light-sticks instead of wands…."

"A Muggle movie?" sneered Draco. "What kind of a witch gets named after a Muggle movie? What are you, some kind of Mud--"

"I find your lack of faith disturbing," interrupted Boadicea, slowly clenching her right hand as Draco clutched his throat and passed out on the floor from lack of oxygen. There was a hushed murmur from the onlooking crowd.

"She's killed him!" whispered Dennis Creevey.

"No, he's just sleeping," replied Boadicea. "What do you all think?" she added with a sudden grin. "Should I hit him with a tickling charm?"

"No!" said Hermione. "That would violate the school motto-- Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus. Honestly, doesn't anyone read Hogwarts, A History?"

"We'd be glad to, if JKR would ever get around to writing it," chorused the SugarQuill Gals in unison.

"Well, anyway," said Boadicea, "I was supposed to give him these." She then slipped two small glass vials into the pocket of the sleeping Draco's robes.

One of the vials was black, and contained ink.

The other one was red.

(A/N, in case anybody was wondering: No, the Elizabeth/Sirius bit above was not based on inside information from the author, only my suspicion that she may be sending Elizabeth in Sirius' direction when I think she ought to be sending her in Bill's. So we'll just have to wait until Boadicea finishes the story to find out whether my hopes or my fears turn out to be correct on that point.)


Chapter 3: Foreseeing Fatalities

"This ROX," said Zsenya and Arabella as they stood at the top of Gryffindor Tower and watched the full moon rise. "I wonder where Moony is now?" Arabella pondered.

"Probably with Padfoot," said Zsenya dreamily, no doubt wondering what Honeychurch and Lallybroch might be writing right about now (and conveniently forgetting about what Katie and Liz might have to say about any such thing).

Just then a chorus of howls broke out. Zsenya and Arabella both froze. Was it Moony and Padfoot in the Forbidden Forest? But no-- the howls seemed to be coming from the Ravenclaw Eyrie on the other side of the castle. And besides, they didn't quite sound like real canines anyway. More like people doing a silly-sounding imitation of wolf-howls.

"That couldn't be Alphie, Durayan, and Thing1, could it?" Zsenya wondered.

"I would hope not," replied Arabella. "Surely in Alphie's condition-- Darksied would never let her--"

"HEY WORLD! I AM NOW THREE WEEKS PREGNANT!!!" shouted a voice from amidst the wolf howls.

"Yup," said Zsenya and Arabella. "That's Alphie, all right." They turned and descended the stairs of Gryffindor Tower past the girls' dorms toward the common room.

"I don't even want to think about what Alphie's going to do next," said Zsenya.

"Probably write a long sordid über-pregnancy-fic titled 'Alphie and Omeggie'," replied Arabella, who then found it necessary to dodge Zsenya's attempted slap upside the head.

"I told you I didn't want to think about it," said Zsenya hotly.

* * *

Just then they reached the common room, where they found B Bennett and Cap'n Kathy chatting quietly by the fire while Moey sat on the couch talking to Lavender and Parvati, who had apparently gotten bored with Professor Trelawney and were now hanging on Moey's every word. (Jedi Boadicea was unable to be there, as she had been kidnapped by a Yeti named Timmy the Timorous Who Looks Really Impressive But Is Way Too Chicken To Ever Actually Attack Anyone, who was telling her the latest in his side of the lovers' quarrel with his estranged mate, Agruffa the Gruff and Terrible Who Eats Rocks And Sometimes Little Children. As Yeti stories are even longer than their names, Jedi seemed likely to be out of the action for quite some time.)

Suddenly Moey's whole body went rigid, and a glazed look appeared on her face (more glazed than usual, that is). "It will happen-- sometime," she said, in a voice utterly unlike her own.

Parvati madly scrambled to find a quill (a real one, not the sugar kind-- Dr. C had already fulfilled that requirement for the Fanfic Challenge), while Lavender breathlessly whispered to the group, "This now brings her total of real predictions up to one-- maybe Professor Dumbledore might start paying her!"

"It will happen… sometime," repeated the zombie-like Moey, as Parvati hastily scribbled down every word. "The Dark Lord lies alone and friendless, or at least he might as well be, given that certain of his followers haven't enough brains to fill an egg-cup. But sometime… the Dark Lord will find a way to re-enter Hogwarts… and lots of terrible things might happen… and people might die."

There was a moment's silence. "Well, that SUX," whispered Zsenya and Arabella.

Then, quite suddenly, Moey's head snapped up again. "I'm so sorry, my dear girls," she said to Lavender and Parvati, resuming her usual misty tones. "The lateness of the evening, you know… drifted off for a moment…."

"A real prediction!" Lavender squealed. "Moey, you said the Dark Lord was going to come to Hogwarts! It was a real prediction!" She and Parvati both giggled.

"Nonsense," said Moey mistily. "I would certainly not presume to predict anything so far-fetched as that!"

"Moey," said B Bennett in her best take-charge voice, "you need to get to the hospital wing, now." Zsenya, Arabella, and Kathy all nodded their heads.

"But I don't--" protested Moey.

Just then there was an interruption. "I'm sorry to interrupt," said Jane, holding a large gold ring in her right hand, "but have any of you seen Hermione? She seems to have dropped her Ring of Power out in the corridor." (Jane was beta-reading the story for Dr. C so he figured he ought to give her at least one cameo.)

"She went that way," replied B Bennett, pointing toward the girls' dorm rooms. Jane thanked her and went up the stairs, bemusedly putting the Ring on and off her finger.

"Hey, wait a minute," said Kathy to B, "if that's the Ring of Power, how come she doesn't turn invisible when she sticks her finger through it?"

* * *

So anyway, they finally managed to drag Moey up to the hospital wing. Or almost there, at least-- for no sooner had they come within sight of the doorway than an irate-looking Madam Pomfrey emerged, brandishing her wand. "You! In the eyepatch!" she shouted. "Don't you dare come near my hospital wing-- all that slanderous rubbish you wrote about Albus and me-- as if-- how dare you--" And Moey disappeared down the corridor at top speed, with Madam Pomfrey waving her wand in hot pursuit.

"Personally I must say I found it all rather amusing," said Professor Dumbledore to the rest of the group (who hadn't realized he was there-- perhaps because, after all, he doesn't need a cloak to become invisible). "Albus/Poppy… what a concept," he added, his blue eyes twinkling.


Chapter Four: The Other Dress Robes

The next day was a Saturday, and the SugarQuill Gals were all pleased to find that they had come on a Hogsmeade weekend. (Well, all of them except for Jedi Boadicea, anyway; she was still stuck listening to that stupid Yeti story.)

"How about this one, Kathy?" said B Bennett, holding up a small chain in the Hogsmeade shop they were exploring. "Harry would like this, don't you think?" Kathy nodded.

"Sorry, no thanks," came Harry's voice from behind them. "I don't smoke."

Disappointed, B and Kathy discarded the chain back into the cheap-jewelry bin (and their beloved Therapy Theory along with it).

* * *

"Hey, look!" said Zsenya excitedly to Arabella. "Is that Harry? Or is it just Dr. C?"

"It's Harry," typed the author. "Dr. C is old, remember?"

"YOU ARE NOT OLD," Zsenya protested.

"Who are you talking to?" asked Arabella (who seemed to have momentarily forgotten the difference between "who" and "whom").

"Harry!" Zsenya called out, hastily changing the subject. "Harry! Come here and try on this new dress robe we got for you."

Harry came over, looking puzzled. Ron looked like he wanted to come along and help Harry defend himself, but fortunately (for Zsenya, that is, not for Harry) B Bennett managed to distract him by engaging him and Hermione in an intellectual, artistically-oriented discussion of the respective roles of Han Solo and Princess Leia in the "Star Wars" movies.

"Dress robe?" said Harry. "But I don't need-- I already have-- Mrs. Weasley picked it out--"

"Yes, Harry," said Zsenya, "but you gotta have style."

"Yeah, style," added Arabella. "Fred and George gave us the money for this. They wouldn't want their principal investor not to look cool." Harry looked mildly offended.

* * *

"And so you see, Ron, the hero doesn't always get the girl. Sometimes he's too busy to get the girl, in fact," B was saying a few aisles away.

Ron looked a bit hopeful at this, in an embarrassed sort of way. "Really?"

"Yeah. Not only that, but prim, arrogant, bossy, princess-type girls don't always fancy goody-goody hero types. Sometimes they actually like the dashing sidekick, even if he is a git who's always bickering with her. Even if their names don't begin with the same letter. And if she gives the hero a good-luck kiss, it's usually just a friend thing anyway. Maybe she loves them both, just in different ways."

"Hey, wait a minute… why are you telling me this?" Ron replied suspiciously. B's eyes darted over to Hermione, who appeared to be wishing she had Dumbledore's ability to turn invisible without a Cloak. Ron's eyes were very careful not to dart in any such direction.

"Oh-- no reason," said B. "Just thought it might be a nice, intellectual, artistically-oriented discussion topic, that's all."

* * *

Meanwhile, Zsenya had finally talked Harry into accepting his new robe. It was brown in color, and contained orange lettering saying "GAP EST. 1969."

"Gap est 1969?" said Harry. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Honestly, Harry," said Hermione, who had come over to help supervise the proceedings, "if you'd ever studied French, you'd know that e-s-t is French for 'is'. It's pronounced like 'eh.' So it means 'Gap is 1969.' Why they'd get you a robe with words like that on it, I don't know."

"It's an American thing," Moey explained.

"And watch this!" Zsenya continued. "Touch the robe just over your heart there, Harry." Harry did so, and the "GAP EST. 1969" lettering disappeared and was replaced by an imitation Head Boy badge, obviously created with a glitter pen. "Cool, huh?"

"A Head Boy badge?" said Harry, puzzled. "But why-- I'm not Head Boy--"

"You'll always be Head Boy to us, Harry," Arabella assured him.

"And--" Harry continued, "it looks like there's a faint number '15' here underneath where you drew the Head Boy badge on-- did this used to be somebody's Quidditch robe? Wait a minute-- hold on. Who gave you the money for this, anyway? Fred and George? They really are cheapskates, aren't they?"

But as Harry wore his new robes for the rest of the afternoon, they figured he was probably secretly flattered. Either that or he was just humoring them. They would never know.

(A/N: Any resemblance between Harry's robes and the T-shirts Zsenya gave Dr. C at SQUKNY is, of course, purely and entirely coincidental. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.)


Chapter Five: Moody, Slavic Man

Back at Hogwarts later that afternoon, our heroines took a pleasant walk down to Hogwarts Lake to pay a visit to the Durmstrang Ship. At breakfast that morning, they had found out that a few of the Durmstrang students were visiting Hogwarts on some sort of special assignment, and had gotten their new Headmaster's permission to bring the ship with them. Cap'n Kathy had introduced the others to Pashnik and Edina (whom she seemed to have met somewhere before), but there was no sign of Viktor Krum. She and Moey also requested permission to re-decorate the Durmstrang ship as "the Good Ship R/H," but the Durmstrang group thought that might be going a bit overboard. They did, however, offer Kathy and Moey the consolation of allowing them to take the ship out for a spin around the lake that afternoon.

"Woo-hoo!" shouted the Cap'n, accelerating the boat to full throttle as the giant squid fled in terror. "This is so KEWL!"

"This is the way to travel," added Moey, tossing back her hair and sliding a pair of sunglasses onto her face. "You can't look this good Apparating!" (This last sentiment was open to question, of course, as the sunglasses really didn't go so well with her eyepatch, which of course was there to protect her Inner Eye. And besides, everybody knew that she was quoting Thing1 out-of-context anyway. But never mind that; we can let Moey have her moment of fun in the sun.)

Meanwhile, Zsenya, Arabella, and B Bennett were stretched out on deck chairs behind Kathy and Moey, enjoying the afternoon, when suddenly they heard behind them….

Clunk… clunk… clunk…

"Professor Moody!" said Zsenya, surprised.

"What are you doing here?!" said Arabella.

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" said Moody. "You'll never catch a Death Eater lying in the sun like that."

"Well, no, we were just--" protested B Bennett. But just then the Polyjuice Potion wore off, and Professor Moody turned into--


At that even Kathy and Moey turned around (which is not a good idea when you are steering a ship that's running at full throttle).

"You must not tell anyvon," said Krum. "Professor Moody is on a special mission for the Ministry of Magic. I vas sent to take his place so that the Death Eaters vould not know that he was gone. He gave me the Polyjuice Potion vith vich I haff been imitating him. The Potion, ven it is vorking, even takes avay my accent. Convenient, no?"

"Wow!" said the SugarQuill Gals in unison.

"It vas very nice to meet you," Viktor continued. "But now, if you vill excuse me, I must rest before going back to the school for dinner. A good afternoon to you all." And he turned to return to his cabin.

Arabella, however, seemed to be in a reverse-veela sort of stupor, and was following after Krum with glazed eyes. Cap'n Kathy quickly realized what was happening. "Help," she cried in a desperate attempt to hold Arabella back. "She's falling in love with a fictional Bulgarian!"


Chapter 6: AQoW



Saturday afternoon

Hello, Gwen!

Hermione? Is that you? Your handwriting doesn't look right.

No, it's me-- Arabella. The one who gave you to Hermione in the first place.

Oh, okay. Now that you mention it, I thought something looked funny about the password. But it's nice to see you! How have you been doing?

Oh… all right, I guess.

All right, you guess?

Well… lately I feel like I've got all these… feelings.


Well, Gwen… did Hermione ever tell you that Viktor's very good-looking?

Ahhh, those sorts of feelings. But no, I don't think Hermione ever put it in quite those exact words, no.

Well, anyway, about an hour ago, my friends and I were on the Durmstrang ship. And all of a sudden Professor Moody walks out of the cabin!

Professor Moody? Uh-oh… this wasn't somebody else impersonating him with Polyjuice, was it?

Wow, you're good, Gwen. We didn't even think of that, until all of a sudden the Potion wore off, and it turned out to be………

VIKTOR KRUM!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes!!! I could hardly believe it, I was so excited! And then-- oh, Gwen, I made such a fool of myself!

Now, Arabella dear, I'm sure it can't REALLY have been that bad.

It was awful! It was like this whole fog came over my mind, and I had no idea what I was doing, and I guess I must have tried to follow him into his private cabin or something, because next thing I knew, Kathy was hauling me back out on the deck, saying, "Help-- she's fallen in love with a fictional Bulgarian!"

Oh, how awful. But don't be too down about it, I'm sure your friends will forget about it soon enough--

Oh, you don't know them like I know them, Gwen.

Well, if they weren't a nice group of girls they wouldn't be friends with you. They might tease you a little--

That's the whole problem!!!

…but I'm sure it will all be in good fun, and they won't let it go too far.

I hope you're right, Gwen, I really do.

Okay, I've just taken a deep breath. I think I'm ready to put this behind me.

Good girl.

And Hermione asked me to help her get ready for something. I don't know what it is, but she sounded really excited! I just needed to vent about this first. Thank you, Gwen, I feel better now! See you tonight!

Goodbye, Arabella!



Saturday night

Oh, I can't believe this!


This is just wrong! Wrong, I tell you! They don't belong together! They're like brother and sister!

Who? Is this something about Viktor again?

What? Viktor--? Oh, never mind that, I'm over him now. After all, he's only a fictional Bulgarian. But-- oh, we'll never hear the end of this--

No… don't tell me…

You remember I was going to be helping Hermione to get ready for something this evening?


Well, get this: Hermione had a dinner date.

Oh, Arabella, that's WONderful! I'm so happy for her! How could anything be wrong with--

But the problem is the guy that the date was with.

Well, I certainly know whom she's been hoping would notice her…

Yes, well, sometimes people change their minds. And sometimes people start asking questions that make you think "well, why haven't they asked this before?" And sometimes it can be a bit of a jolt when people change their minds WITHOUT TELLING ANYBODY.

Is it Viktor, then? Is that why you're upset? I would understand perfectly if--

IT'S NOT VIKTOR, I'm telling you. It's somebody else. Somebody that she's been good friends with since first year, who's like a brother to her--

You're not telling me--

So anyway, I spent all this time helping Hermione get all dressed up and ready for her special dinner, her first real date with a guy that she really liked and that really liked her-- but why did it have to be THIS particular guy-- sorry, I'm ranting-- and we went to the restaurant where she was going to meet him, and I couldn't believe she'd like THIS PARTICULAR GUY, they're totally not right for each other, and then finally the guy showed up, and--


AND IT WAS RON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



HURRAH! OH, WONderful! MARvelous! What a RELIEF, oh, Arabella, how could you be so HORRIBLE, how dare you SCARE me like that-- I thought you were going to tell me she had a date with--

Oh, but I never said she--

Humph. You insinuated!

Yes I certainly did! And it was loads of fun, too! Oh, Gwen, I'm so happy for Hermione, after all these years Ron finally noticed her! Can you believe it?????

Well, young lady, I must certainly insist that you give me back to Hermione the MINUTE she comes back into the Gryffindor common room. She needs to tell me ALL about it when it's done, do you hear me?

Yes, of course, Gwen. Oh, I'm so happy!!!!!!! Goodnight, Guinevere!

Goodnight, Arabella!

* * *

(And then, after a long and boring diary entry from Hermione which I'm sure none of you would want to read anyway...)

* * *


Sunday afternoon

Hello, Gwen. It's me, Arabella, again.

Good afternoon, Arabella. It certainly sounded like Hermione had a wonderful time last night.

Yes she did!!! Even if the Three Broomsticks has totally gone downhill since that retired International Quidditch Superstar, Vapid Swiftfoot, bought out Madam Rosmerta and renamed it The Broken Bottle, with décor to match, and started drawing the wrong sort of customers with his Butterbeer Extra-- even in spite of all that, Hermione still said it was the most wonderful evening of her life.

Yes, and she's certainly been waiting long enough for him to come around.

She certainly has. But Gwen-- I've got to tell you about something else now.


Remember how Moey prophesied that the Dark Lord was going to come to Hogwarts "sometime"?

Actually, no, you didn't tell me about that one.

Oh. Sorry. Well, anyway, she did, and now we have reason to suspect that LORD VOLDEMORT IS HERE AT HOGWARTS RIGHT NOW.


Yes!!! Anyway, so a little while ago Moey was coming out of the girls' lavatory on the first floor-- not Moaning Myrtle's, that's right upstairs from it-- and she got this sudden pain in her Inner Eye, and she's sure that it means Voldemort is somewhere near. And so she went back to the Common Room to rest up, while Zsenya and I came down here to investigate. We think we may be close to finding the way to where Voldemort is hiding!!!

You're in the first-floor girls' room now?


Oh, be careful, Arabella, I remember what happened when Hermione was coming out of the Library in her second year, I was SUCH a wreck during those weeks--

I'll be careful, Gwen, I promise.

Arabella, you write to me just as soon as you and Zsenya finish investigating that bathroom, do you hear me? Just hello-- or I'll be worried sick.

I will.

Promise me.

I promise. See you in just a minute.






* * *


Chapter 7: Pretty Close to the End


Something seemed funny about the girls' lavatory on the first floor. In addition to Moey's sudden pain in her Inner Eye, there was something-- something that just didn't seem right. But they couldn't figure out what it was. They were just about to leave, when Arabella looked in the mirror for a minute to fix her hair. Then she looked back at the rest of the room, then in the mirror again--

"Zsenya," she said, "is there a bug flitting around the room?"

"No," Zsenya replied. "Why?"

"Look in this mirror."

Zsenya did, and saw what Arabella had seen-- an insect flitting around in the mirror, that most assuredly was not there in the room.

Suddenly Zsenya's eyes seemed to drift out of focus. A sudden idea came to her, and she tried to say, "Open up!", but what came out instead was a strange beetle-like buzzing noise. The mirror swung open to reveal a secret passage.

"Zsenya!" exclaimed a startled Arabella. "You never told me you could speak Beetletongue!"

"I never realized it before," said Zsenya. "I guess this makes me the first Beetlemouth at Hogwarts since the great Rita Skeeter herself. Now let's see where this leads, shall we?" she added, hastily changing the subject (of which she seemed to have done quite a lot this weekend).

And so they climbed into the passageway. "This--" they started to say, but neither of them was sure how to continue.

"ROX?" said Zsenya.

"SUX?" said Arabella. They would have to keep exploring and find out.

Soon they began to notice old copies of Witch Weekly strewn along the sides of the passage, along with used Quick-Quotes Quills, used makeup and lipstick containers, and a bottle that appeared to be labeled "Beetle Juice." There could be no mistaking the identity of the creator of this passage. It could only be--

But suddenly they rounded a corner and found themselves in a large hollowed-out chamber. And there in the center of it stood--

"LORD VOLDEMORT!?!" they both shouted. "What are you doing in Rita Skeeter's chamber?" Zsenya added.

"Well," said Voldemort, "as you're aware, the Chamber of Secrets was most annoyingly destroyed a couple years ago; and so I figured the Chamber of Gossip would be my next option. Makes sense, don't you think?"

"Oh," said Arabella. "This SUX," she and Zsenya both added.

"But--" said Zsenya, "is this part of your latest plan to take over the wizarding world?"

"Haven't I already told you," said Voldemort, "that taking over the wizarding world doesn't matter to me anymore? This whole weekend, my real target has been-- you."

Arabella was so startled that she dropped her diary. "Us? But-- why us?"

"Well, don't tell anyone, but… I'm actually a secret Draco/Hermione shipper. You know, 'Death to R/H'ers' and all that," said Voldemort, picking up what Arabella had dropped. "What's this? Oh-- a diary. How quaint. I remember making one of these once. Let's have a look, just for old times' sake, shall I? Why, I am growing quite sentimental. I wonder what would happen if I--" he touched an ill-chosen square on a diary page and was sucked into the diary. "AAAHH!!" he shouted, "This diary literally SUXXXX!!!" And he disappeared.

"This ROX!!!" shouted Zsenya and Arabella, slapping a high-five.

"Hold on a second," said Arabella as they prepared to go back up the passage to the girls' washroom. "I ought to congratulate Gwen on this."

But when she opened the diary, she found that Gwen was already writing to her unbidden. "Uh-oh," said Arabella.

Arabella, darling, Gwen had written, I understand about how you've got to save the wizarding world from destruction and all, but next time, if you should meet any more Dark Lords in your travels, could you please be a dear and refrain from sending them in my direction? This one's really an awful nuisance, and he's got everyone at Miss Vauclain's ever so upset…

"That SUX," said Zsenya and Arabella.

* * *

When all this had been peaceably settled, everyone gathered in the Great Hall for a special end-of-weekend banquet. Dumbledore had gone into the diary and had managed to capture Voldemort and bring him out, sending him off to Azkaban for a nice little kiss from the Dementors. (Dumbledore had figured that, just this once, it might be okay to put aside his usual moral objection to the Ministry allying itself with such creatures.) So everything turned out all right after all. Even Jedi Boadicea had rejoined them, now with a whole new understanding of Lockhart's book title Year with the Yeti.

And now, Dumbledore was standing up to make announcement, just as B Bennett returned to the Gryffindor table after an unsuccessful attempt to organize "peace talks" with the Slytherins (it might have worked if Draco hadn't been too busy showing off the new leather trousers that somebody had given him).

"Before our weekend guests depart," Dumbledore was saying, "I have some points to award."

"To Zsenya, for the remarkably effective use of the extremely rare gift of Beetlemouth, I award fifty points to Gryffindor."

Everyone cheered, except for a few Slytherins. Dumbledore continued.

"To Arabella, for the brilliantly clever use of a magical diary, I award fifty points to Gryffindor."

Those who could figure out that two fifties made a hundred, so that you only needed to add one to the third digit to the left of the decimal point, realized that Gryffindor was now tied with Slytherin. If Dumbledore had given Arabella one more point-- just one more point-- but he raised his hand. The room fell silent.

"There are many kinds of courage," Dumbledore said. "To stand up to Lord Voldemort takes one kind of courage. To serve as relationship counselor for a couple of quarreling Yeti takes about as different a kind of courage as can possibly be imagined. I therefore award ten points to Gryffindor for Jedi Boadicea."

Someone standing outside the Great Hall might have thought that the United Artists Theater was showing the Star Wars trailer in front of the Harry Potter movie, so loud was the cheering that erupted from the Gryffindor table. Zsenya, Arabella, B, Moey, and Kathy all stood up and cheered as Boadicea disappeared under a pile of people hugging her. She had never won so much as a single point before (although that might have been a different matter had she actually hurried up and finished her "Memories of Tomorrow, Dreams of Yesterday" story).

When all the excitement had died down, they suddenly saw Dr. C's lame plot device-- I mean, the sugar quill Portkey-- hovering in front of them over the table. "I guess this means it's time to leave," said Zsenya. ("This SUX," she and Arabella commented mournfully.)

And so they all said goodbye to their new friends, grabbed hold of the Portkey, and felt the familiar jerking sensation as they were whisked back to their own world.

* * *

Or were they?

When the swirling colors stopped, instead of Zsenya's familiar apartment, they found themselves in a room none of them had ever seen before.

"Uh-oh… where are we?" whispered B Bennett.

"I think we're somewhere near Seattle," replied Arabella. "It's raining outside."

Several books were lying strewn across a threadbare couch. There was a computer sitting atop a beat-up wooden desk. And typing away at the computer was what looked like an older version of Harry, only with brown eyes instead of green, with glasses broken and wired together at the corner instead of in the middle, and wearing a sweatshirt which the collar of his polo shirt was only halfway tucked into. Playing on the CD player was Mozart's Sinfonia Concertante in E flat major, K. 364.

"RIDDIKULUS!!!" shouted Zsenya, and suddenly Dr. C re-appeared in a cool-looking outfit from the Gap, a pair of Harry-like glasses, a neatly styled haircut, and a pair of Doc Martens. (The CD player somehow magically switched over to "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles, too.)

Fortunately for Dr. C, he was the one sitting at the computer typing the story, and with a few quick keystrokes, the SugarQuill Gals all disappeared back to Zsenya's apartment in Baltimore where they belonged, while he (and his CD player) returned to their normal selves. ("Ridiculous, indeed," he muttered.)

* * *

"So, did you all have a good time this weekend?" asked Zsenya's Muggle boyfriend (who was used to seeing Zsenya and her friends magically appearing out of nowhere by this time).

"This weekend Siriusly ROXed!!!" said Zsenya. Her boyfriend nodded benignly (having dealt with this sort of silliness before), and went back to practicing his music.

"Too bad we all have to go back to the Muggle world now," said B Bennett somberly as they all prepared to leave.

"Oh, I don't know about that," said Moey, brandishing the wand she had acquired over the weekend (presumably for self-defense against an angry Madam Pomfrey). "My first-years don't know I'm not allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts. I'm going to have a lot of fun with them this year…."


Chapter 8: Dr. C Rants

(A purely supplemental fanfiction corresponding to AQoW and the rest of "Zsenya and Arabella's ROXin' Adventure")

dr_c_314: (no comment)



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