The Secret Diary
of Hermione Granger
Based on "Harry Potter
and the Goblet of Fire" by J.K. Rowling
Disclaimer: Itís all JKR.
Thanks to: Zsenya,
for generously posting everything for me; Honeychurch, for the great Guinevere
info; and Kata, who encouraged this in the first place.
A/N: Anyone whoís made it
this far may have also begun to read Ronís Rants. Heíll be ranting rudely all
along the way as Hermione continues
to neatly chronicle her life. Youíll know thereís a corresponding "journal"
entry if you see (Ron Rants) at the end of an HQoW diary entry. They will be
A/N: Some of you may have
read my story "Sine Qua Non", and will therefore find that a certain
section of this diary post is eerily familiar. J The explanation is this:
I began writing these diaries before I ever wrote SQN, and it was HQoW that
gave me the idea for that story. If you read it, you may have noticed that Hermione
seemed to know an awful lot about that Amora Primus spell when
Professor Flitwick explained
it to the rest of the class.
Well, now youíll know just
how she became so well-informed.
I despise Malfoy. Now Ronís going to be testy
all the way to school. Why canít that little beast just keep his mouth shut?
Doesnít he have anything to do except bother us? Iíll give him something
to do if heís not careful.
You wonít say that when you know what he said.
Just because Ronís dress robes are Ė well Ė not the best.
Youíve seen them, then?
Oh, yes. Big snit all morning, everybodyís
in a mood. Ron and I werenít really talking because of last night, and then
Mr. Weasley had to go early, and left Mrs. Weasley to bring us all to Kingís
Oh, he had to go get a retired Auror out of
trouble. Mad-Eye-Moody is his name Ė or at least thatís what they call him Ė
heís a very paranoid old Dark wizard catcher, and heís made a mess with some
Muggle Artifacts. He always thinks people are trying to get him, so heís got
the dustbins outside his house enchanted to go off, as a sort of alarm system.
They started clattering all over the place last night because some cat tripped
them up or something Ė anyway, he isnít allowed to enchant his dustbins
and some Muggle policemen saw them going off, so now heís in trouble. Mr. Weasley
has to fix it because thatís his department, and he likes Mad-Eye.
So he went off to work and so did Percy, and
Mrs. Weasley brought us all to Kingís Cross with Bill and Charlieís help. We
went by Muggle taxi. Do you have any idea what itís like to get six Hogwarts
trunks, an owl and a cat, seven Weasleys, Harry and me into regular taxis? The
drivers were baffled. Fredís trunk came open and his Filibuster Fireworks went
off Ė poor Crookshanks was frightened to death and clawed the driver, who tried
to kick him! But Ron said, "Hey, watch it!" and grabbed Crookshanks
into the cab with us.
Yes, well, you know him. One nice thing and
then he counteracts it. He, Harry and I got in one taxi and Ron was trying to
hold down Crookshanks, who was scratching him all up, and he snapped at me,
"Donít think Iím going to apologize for yelling last night, now that this
bruteís attacked me."
"You know heís not a brute Ė and you donít
have to apologize, because I know all about it."
"Your dress robes."
"Who told you?"
"Some loyal family Iíve got!"
"Oh, hush, honestly. Your robes canít
be that bad."
"Canít they. Youíll see Ė yeah,
Iíll show you, who cares. It doesnít matter who sees them, Iím never putting
them on. Ow!"
Crookshanks spent the remainder of the ride
to Kingís Cross running across our three laps and giving us bad scratches because
he was still in a state about the fireworks. It was some job, getting through
the barrier at platform nine and three-quarters without any Muggles noticing
all our commotion.
Then, when we were boarding the train, Charlie
and Bill and Mrs. Weasley started getting all secretive on us, saying weíll
have an especially good time at school this year because theyíre changing the
rules. What rules? And then Charlie said weíll be seeing him sooner than we
think, and Bill said he wishes he was back at Hogwarts this year for the fun,
and maybe heíll come and see some of it. Some of what? This must be the top-secret
project that Percy was always talking loudly about. Whatever it is, itís happening
at Hogwarts Ė and Malfoy, at least, seems to know all about it.
Malfoy. Whyíd he even come into our compartment
if he despises us so much? We hate him too, but we donít seek him out.
It makes much more sense! I mean, we could hear him in the next-door compartment,
so I just slid the door shut. Simple. Goodbye, we donít want to talk to you.
He was in there going on about how much heíd rather have gone to Durmstrang
to study, because they actually teach the Dark Arts there, instead of teaching
Defense Against the Dark Arts like we do at Hogwarts. That schoolís got
a horrible reputation. Malfoy would have been their prize student, Iím
Anyway, we just tried to shut him out and enjoy
the ride to school. Pigwidgeon was hooting non-stop at first, so Ron dragged
this maroon thing out of his trunk and threw it over the cage to make Pig be
quiet. Then he gave me a very dark look and jabbed his thumb at the maroon thing,
and I saw it had sleeves and lace cuffs.
The dress robes?
Yes. Heís right, theyíre not very nice. But
Iíd never let on I thought that. I looked at them, looked at Ron, and shrugged.
I wanted him to know that theyíre not a big deal. He shrugged too, and seemed
all right after that. Neville came in with us and Ron was showing off that sulky
little Krum figurine he got at the Cup, and Harry got us all Cauldron Cakes,
and everything was fine. Ron was telling Neville about seeing Krum up close,
and about our being in the Top Box, and then we heard Ė
"For the first and last time in your life,
Iím so sick of Malfoy I could scream, and we
havenít even started school yet. I almost did yell at him when
he picked up Ronís dress robes off Pigís cage, and started to mock them. What
right does he have to make fun of Ron? Just because his familyís rich Ė he didnít
do anything to get that money except be born into it. Itís nothing to do with
whoís the better person, and itís just a demonstration of how poor Malfoy really
is. But it still stings Ron, I know it Ė he went and told Malfoy to eat dung.
His mouth lately Ė itís awful! But I wonít bother him about it today.
Malfoyís made him so irritable itís not possible to talk sense to him. After
he taunted Ron about the dress robes, he started getting on all of us about
the secret project thing Ė asking if we were planning to enter.
We donít know. The secret project Ė whatever
Mrs. Weasley and Bill and Charlie were talking about this morning. Malfoy knows
what it is, though, and made a whole show of bothering us about it. I said,
"Either explain what youíre on about or go away, Malfoy." But I shouldnít
have said it Ė it was an admission that we didnít know the secret, and he just
loved that. "Youíve got a father and brother at the Ministry and
you donít even know? My God, my father told me about it ages ago...
maybe your fatherís too junior to know about it, Weasley... yes... they probably
donít talk about important stuff in front of him."
That was it for Ron. He slammed the door so
hard after Malfoy that the window-glass shattered. I repaired it with my wand
and said, "Ron!" but it was really just out of habit. I didnít
blame him. He snarled at me, "Well... making it look like he knows everything
and we donít.... Dad couldíve got a promotion anytime... he just likes it where
he is." I could see how defensive he was feeling about his dad, and I just
wanted him to know that I understood, so I quietly said, "Of course he
does. Donít let Malfoy get to you, Ron Ė"
"Him? Get to me? As if!" Thatís how
he ended the conversation, and then he turned around and started writing something
Ė díyou know, Gwen, I think itís his journal! Ė and itís been quiet in here
for an hour now.
I wish he had let me finish. I was going to
tell him heís so much better than Malfoy that thereís no room in it for fighting
and the same thing goes for his father. Although now that I look at it... maybe
itís better I kept that to myself. After all, thatís.... a little bit too obvious.
Well, you know Ė you know I think Ron is Ė
but he certainly doesnít need to know Ė and in front of Harry Ė well,
Iím just going to have to be careful about saying what I think, or Iíll give
Gwen, I donít want to have to check myself!
Itís so strange to keep something back from my best friends. But I couldnít
ever say anything, or it would just be.... everything would be too different
and awkward Ė oh, never mind. But why do I have this crazy impulse to....
Well, when Ron looks upset like he does right
now, I sort of wish I could... I wish heíd let me...
Oh, itís just wrong that heís all irritated
like this, itís a horrible way to start off a new school year. Ron canít
stay in this mood. Hang on a second.
Heís being so secretive lately. I just barely
touched him on the shoulder and I swear he about launched out of his seat. I
didnít mean to startle him! Then he slammed his journal, whipped around and
glared at me. As if Iíd try and read it! I never would! I said, "Ron, are
you all right?" And he said, "Perfect, thanks," in a sarcastic
kind of voice that hurt my feelings. I just wanted to help. What a lovely journey
to school this has been.
Plus itís raining like a fiend out there. Oooh,
I wouldnít fancy being in first year and having to cross the lake in this weather.
But at least weíre almost to Hogwarts. Oh, Hogwarts Ė school Ė everythingís
going to be fine, Gwen, isnít it? Iím about to be home!
Everything is NOT fine. Everything has
been a big, fat lie Ė Hogwarts is practically a slave camp Ė I canít believe
it Ė three years Iíve been contributing to the mistreatment, to the bigotry,
to the oppression! I feel sick.
Dear, whatever happened? Who
have you been oppressing?
House-elves! Gwen, Hogwarts has house-elves!
The largest number of any dwelling in Britain! They cook our meals, clean our
castle, light our fires, warm our beds Ė for nothing. No salary, no sick leave,
no pensions Ė nothing! I find it appalling that my school takes such an active
part in sustaining this injustice. How could Dumbledore? And all
the staff? Am I the only living witch who cares a whit about whatís decent?
Iíll tell you one thing, Gwen, I wonít have
it. I wonít take part. I wonít allow myself to benefit from slave labor.
What exactly do you intend
Iím on strike. I didnít eat dinner, and I wonít
eat again. I wonít sit down in the common room and enjoy the fire. Iíll put
a sign on my bed so they wonít heat it. I wonít HAVE it.
But Hermione, you have to eat.
Oh do I? Well maybe if I starve a bit and get
sick, someone will see this is serious!
It doesnít work that way.
Oh no? How do strikes work, then?
Not like that! You wonít really
starve yourself, will you? You mustnít.
Gwen. Do you understand. There are SLAVES at
my SCHOOL. If I have to sacrifice a bit, it will be worth it. Someoneís got
to listen to me!
Perhaps you could try another
way of Ė
No! No, no, no Ė and thatís final.
No! For once, Hermione, youíll
listen to me Ė you canít cut me off on this one.
Can if I want Ė youíre my diary.
Aha! So then youíll treat me
like a house-elf instead? Excellent compromise.
Gwen! No Ė I didnít mean Ė you know thatís
not what I Ė
I know. Just hear me out. The
way to go about this is to enlist support
Ė to make an organized commotion. Get people to understand your position and
bring them to your side. Thereís strength in numbers. Now, whatís your position?
Well itís.... House-elves should be compensated,
Based on what? Was there a
time they were free? Do you know their personal beliefs on the subject? What
is their treatment, in comparison to the treatment of other non-human magical
I.... I donít know that. I donít know anything
except itís wrong.
Which is an excellent start.
But I suggest you do research, and find a better way to support your platform.
If anyone knows how to go about that, itís you.
I know Ė I wanted to do research before Ė remember,
I told you Ė
Yes, yes. Well, in the meantime,
eat something, because if you donít, Iíd like to see how far you get on your
research before you collapse. Not to mention that your brain will be addled
all day tomorrow if you skip breakfast after skipping dinner Ė youíll ruin your
whole first day of classes.
Oh yes. You wonít learn a thing.
And your stomach will growl in a beastly way, and everyone will hear it.
Itís true. So. Youíll start
eating again, is that clear? You wonít help these elves if youíre fainting all
over the place.
Ugh, youíre just like Ron.
Why? What did Ron have to say?
He said I wouldnít get the house-elves sick
leave by starving myself, and then he tried to tease me into eating dessert.
Good. I have an ally looking
out for your interests.
He isnít looking out for anything. He just
doesnít care about house-elves.
However youíd like to see it,
I see it the way it is. And you can stop bothering
me Ė Iíll eat breakfast in the morning, youíre put it to me reasonably enough.
But now.... I have some rather... well itís
not good news, Gwen. I mean, it is, but it isnít. Youíll die. Try to stay calm.
Itís... itís about Quidditch.
What? What about Quidditch?
Well, this year, the Inter-House Quidditch
Cup is cancelled, and we arenít going to have any matches.
Gwen? Are you all right?
No, Iím not, itís really cancelled for the
whole year. Believe me, Harryís upset too Ė he looked like someone had died.
Well. Well itís a tragedy.
An unspeakable thing.
Goodness, I wish somebody would react this
violently about house-elves. But cheer up Ė thereís something fun happening
here, something to take the place of Quidditch.
Nothing can take the place
Well... what about a Triwizard Tournament?
Weíre having one. Itís a chance for the three largest European schools to Ė
Youíre having a Triwizard Tournament?!
But thatís wonderful!
Why, I havenít heard about one of those in absolutely ages!
Thatís because they havenít held one for a
few hundred years. Anyway, how do you know about the Triwizard Tournament?
Well, it was established in the
late thirteenth century, wasnít it? And Iím not quite that
Oh. Well when were you alive, then?
I used to hear about the tournament
from someone who owned me, who had a friend at Beauxbatons. I wish I couldíve
gone to one of the big schools! Youíre going to have so much fun!
Why couldnít you go to one of the big schools?
Oh, well in the first place,
I was alive in the sixth century. Hogwarts wasnít established until the Ė tenth?
Actually, itís commonly accepted that it happened
in the early eleventh Ė
Right. And even if Hogwarts
had existed, my parents never would have let me go. They wanted my magic kept
quiet. They were terrified that someone would discover I was a witch, and that
I wouldnít make a royal marriage. They sent me to Alpenstachen for my education.
Iíve read of it! In the Alps somewhere, isnít
it? All-female, very small, combines witchcraft studies with a modern classical
Muggle education, and costs loads?
Thatís the one! Is it still
Yes, I think so.
Amazing. Well, I canít complain
Ė I enjoyed it very much. But I always rather wished.... the Triwizard Tournament
does sound like fun.
Well, I suppose it does. But Professor Dumbledore
said something about there having been a death toll in the past Ė champions
have died during the competition! Although it will be nice to meet foreign
witches and wizards. Beauxbatons and Durmstrang are both bringing their short-listed
contenders in October. I wonder who the Hogwarts champion will be? I hope itís
a Gryffindor! Angelina Johnson says sheíll enter!
What about you? Youíre certainly
smart and brave enough!
Oh no, I canít. Part of the new rules so there
wonít be anymore deaths Ė you can only enter if youíre seventeen or older. Fred
and George are positively livid. They really wanted a chance to get at the thousand
galleons prize money, but they wonít be seventeen Ďtil April. I know theyíd
all be mad.... but Iím glad my friends are all too young to enter. I
wouldnít want any of them hurt, and we havenít learned enough to compete Ė who
knows what kind of magic the champions will come up against? Maybe even Dark
Oh, Gwen, Dark magic, guess what?? Weíve got
our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and itís Mad-Eye-Moody.
The paranoid Auror with the
Can you believe it? Another contender for the
title of Most Bizarre Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor Ever. Really,
there should be a contest. So far, weíve had a werewolf (granted, he was a wonderful
one,) a silly fool, and a Dark wizard who was keeping Voldemort on the back
of his head. Yes, Quirrell definitely takes the prize so far. But Professor
Moody is already in the running if you ask me Ė his face is all gnarled and
scarred, he has a wooden leg and a crazy magical eye, plus he enchants
his dustbins. Canít we ever have a normal teacher in that class?
I hope he can teach. I just canít afford another
year like the first two, and I donít want to fall behind after all Professor
Lupin did to bring us up to speed Ė I donít care if heís crazy as long as I
learn something. Parvati and Lavender arenít sure about him, though. They were
going on about his skin, his scars Ė they care way too much about that kind
of thing. Do you know what they started doing over the summer? They started
shaving their legs! Am I supposed to start doing that, too? Is it time for that
already? Mum says once you start you canít ever stop and I just donít know if
I can bother.... bothering. But I think Iím the only one who isnít doing
it. Iíll just wear trousers. I donít want to shave.
Why do girls have all these things weíre supposed
to do, and boys donít seem to have any? You donít see boys having to
paint their toenails or pluck their eyebrows or wear make-up or... Gwen, I didnít
tell you but I got a bra this summer, and just donít ask me about it because
I hate it. Mum made me. She said it was time for me to start being "discreet".
Lord. Itís not like I needed one that much. And I always forget to put
it on because Iím not used to it. And I have to be careful what I wear because
there are some shirts that you can see the outline through Ė and I donít want
it getting snapped, or Ė or anybody knowing. Plus, this summer, I became a "woman",
and donít ask me about that, either. Letís just say Iím grateful it happened
over the summer with my mum there, and not here at Hogwarts. Imagine having
to tell Professor McGonagall. Iíd die.
Suddenly this year I have about a million things
that I canít ever share with Harry or Ron. Iím tired of being a girl.
Boys have their own set of
troubles, I promise you. But yes, Iíll agree weíve got the worst end of the
deal in the area of personal maintenance. You think you hate your underclothes?
The first time I was cinched into a corset I fainted dead away. Horrible! Oh,
the things weíll do to look lovely.
What a lot of fuss and bother it is, being
us. But there are some girls who donít even seem to care Ė they seem to like
it Ė Parvati and Lavender are all happy about shaving their legs. Maybe
thatís not such a terrible idea Ė I guess it does look better. But no, I just
donít feel like it. I feel like... sleeping, actually Ė Gwen, itís eleven-thirty!
I canít believe I didnít notice! Iíve got to go to bed, itís late, and tomorrowís
the first day of classes, plus Iím going to start up my research on house-elves.
Iíll need to be rested.
Indeed. Goodnight, Hermione.
Ron has a terrible problem with cursing Ė and
I donít mean the magical kind. Heíll need to start watching his language, or
heís going to get into trouble. I came in from the library just now, and he
was sitting with Harry doing Divination homework, and I swear I heard him say
"What the hell is this supposed to mean?" I said, "Excuse
me?" And he repeated, "I said, what on earth is this supposed to mean?"
But really, Iím not deaf. And this morning, he said "damn"
right in the middle of breakfast Ė right in the Great Hall, not ten feet from
Care of Magical Creatures class Ė he was looking
at it on the course schedule and he said, "Damn it, weíre still with the
Slytherins." I gave him a look, and he just mouthed it again to bother
me. And then in Divination Ė
Are you taking Divination again?
Oh, for pityís sake, never. But Lavender
told me all about it tonight before she climbed into bed. She said, "I
donít know why you bother with Ron Weasley, heís terribly immature."
Which made me angry at first. I said, "I donít know what you mean by bother
with him Ė heís my friend. So donít you say anything about him."
She just gave me a knowing look and said, "Well, fine. If you donít want
to know what he said to me then I just wonít tell you."
I donít know why, Gwen. But that bothered me
a lot. Enough that I caved in and asked her what he said, even though normally
Iíd have ignored her. But do you know what he said?
Apparently, Lavender found an unaspected planet
in her horoscope, and Professor Trelawney told her it was Uranus. And Ron said,
"Can I have a look at Uranus, too, Lavender?" And you know
he didnít mean the planet. He is immature.
Couldnít you just tape his mouth shut? Mum
would wash mine out with soap if I ever said things like that! Uranus. What
Er... yes... terrible Ė
Gwen, if youíre laughing Ė
No, no, of course not Ė itís
abominable Ė completely immature!
I donít believe you mean that one bit, but
he is awful, whether you agree or not. Oh, and this morning, he made
fun of me for eating breakfast, too. "Youíre eating again, I notice,"
he said. I told him Iíd found another, better way to make a stand about elf
rights, and he said, "Yeah... and you were hungry." Harry laughed,
youíre probably laughing Ė why did it make me want to throw my eggs at him?
He never says anything serious. Itís always a big joke. I really care about
these elves, Gwen, and he wonít understand! And then at lunch, I was
eating really, really fast, he said, "Er- is this the new stand on elf
rights? Youíre going to make yourself puke instead?" He just never sees.
Well... neither do I, exactly
- why were you eating so quickly?
To make extra time! I needed time to use the
library, to do some of my elf research. Iíve got some extremely useful facts.
Do you know that elf enslavement goes back for centuries, and hardly anythingís
ever been attempted to stop it? People are too happy to have slaves to want
to help them regain their freedom. Just because elves are a naturally pacifist
species, itís easy for more powerful types to take advantage of them! I canít
believe that witches and wizards, with all the convenience of magic at their
disposal, would still choose to dominate elves! The poor creatures are smaller
than we are, and theyíre not allowed to use their magic even in self-defense.
Also, theyíre deferential to those who would cause conflict because by nature
they abhor contention. Theyíd rather be slaves than stick up for themselves.
Theyíd never cause a riot or a rebellion like the goblins are always doing.
And now theyíve been oppressed for so long that they donít know how to fight!
Theyíre not even referred to as elves in most of the books Ė people just think
of them as house-elves Ė as if theyíve got no abilities other than housework!
I have a lot more research to do tomorrow.
I need to form a plan of action. I was in the library all night after dinner,
but there was hardly enough time to find out everything I need to know.
What about your regular homework?
Can you believe I donít even have any
yet? What a change from last year! Professor Vector didnít assign anything in
Arithmancy, Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures were our only other classes
today. Those are usually mostly lab classes, and we didnít get homework in either
one Ė though we had enough work to do in both of them. Today in Herbology we
collected bubotuber pus. It was fairly disgusting, but itís supposed to remove
bad acne. We needed to bottle it up for Madam Pomfrey so that no one else will
try to curse their pimples off.
Who did that?
Eloise Midgen Ė sheís in Hufflepuff Ė she tried
to get rid of her acne and took her nose off instead. Now sheís still got pimples
all over, plus her nose had to be fixed back on, and itís slightly imperfect
on her face. Poor Eloise. It makes me grateful that all Iíve got to deal with
is these giant teeth and this big frizzy puff of a head.
Oh, Hermione, Iím sure it isnít
Yes it is Ė itís bad Ė but Iíll live. Hopefully,
with school and elf rights, I wonít have time to look in the mirror. I donít
want to be bothered. Just one morning back with Parvati and Lavender and Iím
ready to give up on being a girl. They wouldnít even touch the Blast-Ended
Skrewts weíre working on in Care of Magical Creatures class. Lavender kept protesting,
"Eurgh, Hagrid!" in this really high voice. Does she think the boys
are really going to fall for that nonsense?
Although, maybe sheís right about the skrewts.
Hagrid has such a bizarre idea of what kinds of magical creatures we
ought to be caring for. Skrewts do the following things: burn, sting, and suck
blood. I rather agreed with Malfoy for once when he asked Hagrid why weíd want
to bother raising them.
You agreed with Malfoy?
Partly Ė but I told him off anyway. He oughtnít
to have talked back to Hagrid, and I wonít let him. Iím sick of him making all
my friends feel bad. Before dinner, he was bothering Ron again, reading out
the newest ratty article from Rita Skeeter at the Daily Prophet, which is all
exaggerations about Mr. Weasley messing something up at the Ministry Ė plus,
Malfoy was making extremely ugly personal comments about Mrs. Weasleyís weight
Ė how dare he?! Mrs. Weasleyís the dearest mum in the world besides my
own! Harry and I both had to grab Ron tight by the robes to hold
him back Ė I really thought heíd clobber Malfoy that time.
One of these times, Hermione,
you ought to let him go.
No. I donít approve of fighting.
Oh? Who gave Malfoy a good
hard smack last year, then?
I was under severe emotional stress, and didnít
know what I was doing! Anyway, Harry said something nasty to Malfoy about his
mother, and then we tried to walk away from it, but Malfoy tried to shoot a
curse at Harryís back.
And thatís when Malfoy got his comeuppance,
better than we ever could have dreamed.
Why? What happened?!
Well, we heard the BANG! of Malfoyís spell,
and then we heard another BANG! And a voice said, "OH, NO YOU DONíT, LADDIE!"
It was Professor Moody. Heíd turned Malfoy into a ferret.
A little white ferret. And he was very calmly
bouncing him up and down on the floor with his wand. Said he thinks attacking
from the back is a "stinking, cowardly, scummy thing to do." We just
stared, open-mouthed, until Professor McGonagall came along and threw a fit
at Professor Moody Ė teachers at Hogwarts arenít ever allowed to use
Transfiguration as a punishment. But even though I know Malfoy could have really
been hurt, I have to admit there was something incredibly satisfying about seeing
his little ferrety self getting bonked about the corridor like that. Iíve never
seen Ron so uplifted. It was an answer to his every prayer. "Draco Malfoy,
the amazing bouncing ferret..." he said. I couldnít help but laugh with
Harry at the expression on his face.
I can only imagine.
Imagine perfect revenged contentment and youíll
have it about right. Ahhh.... what a loaded first day back at school, Gwen.
I missed it here Ė even if we do have house-elves. Iím wonderfully tired,
and I canít wait to go to sleep, and have it be morning, and start it all over.
Goodnight then, my dear.
Hi! Just wanted to tell you that I found out
some new facts about elves in the library after dinner tonight. Can you believe
that there isnít a single elf in the Department for the Regulation and Control
of Magical Creatures? Theyíre shockingly underrepresented! Itís an outrage!
They havenít got any political voice at all....
Oh, poor Neville. Thatís just disgusting.
What did he do?
Heís covered in toad guts Ė he looks miserable.
He melted his sixth cauldron in Potions this afternoon, so Snape gave him detention
and made him disembowel a barrel of horned toads. Snapeís in such a bad mood
Ė he hates Mad-Eye-Moody. Not that thatís surprising Ė heís always hated our
Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers because he wants that job for himself.
But heís too scared of Professor Moody to be openly mean to him, so now heís
taking it out on us. Poor Neville - he looks like heís about to faint and heís
holding his hands out in front of him like he wants to get rid of the toad guts,
and doesnít know how.
Iím telling you, go and get
that Frog Spawn soap I told you about last year. That stuff works wonders underneath
Ew. Gwen, I have a confession... I never actually
used it. I got Professor Flitwick to teach me a Scouring Charm instead. Sorry.
Ah well. To each her own.
Yes. Oooh, just a second, Iíve got to help
Neville Ė heís trying to do a Stripping Charm and thatís not meant to be used
It makes me so happy when I can do something
nice for somebody, and it makes me even happier when it gets noticed. I mean,
of course Neville noticed, they were his fingernails, and of course he said
"Thanks, Hermione, youíre the greatest," like he always does. But
Ron and Harry just sat and watched me clean him up, and then, when Neville went
off upstairs, Harry said, "Whereíd you learn that one, Hermione? We havenít
gotten to it in Charms, have we?" I said no, and then told them about last
year, when I had all that ink under my nails from all that extra class work.
I told them how Iíd gone and gotten help from Professor Flitwick so I could
keep clean. Ron shook his head and said, "You know, I reckon you work harder
than anybody in this school, and still you come up with time to do stuff like
that. Iíll never know how."
And now I feel warm all over, and my stomachís
jumpy.... and I canít look at him. Iím not in the mood to tell you what Iíve
discovered about elves, if you donít mind.
I donít mind.
I was going to go upstairs and work on elf
rights, but now I just want to stay down here with.... my friends.
Well you donít have to write
just now Ė why donít you go talk with him?
I donít really want to talk, I just
want to sit by him, and I guess Iíll write awhile because I donít know
what to do with my hands. But I donít really have anything to write,
either.... Gwen.... Iím just losing it. Thatís what this feels like.
I swear there are a million pins and needles
sticking into me and he didnít even really do anything.... I just canít
make myself sensible... I should just go to bed, but I canít bring myself
to go upstairsĖ tell me something, tell me a story, distract me!
Well... thereís always... would
you like me to teach you a powerful spell?
Oh, yes, please, teach me something. Thatís
the best distraction ever. What spell?
A very distracting spell. Amora
Primus. Have you heard of it?
No! Tell me, tell me.
Very few people have heard
of it Ė itís a powerful invocation Ė it only works under the rarest of circumstances,
and it was only performed successfully once during my lifetime.
What kind of spell is it?
Roughly translated, the spell
means "First Love".
Gwe - en!!!! Youíre never going to distract
me that way....
Shall I stop?
All right then. Youíve heard
in fairy stories, I suppose, of the magic power of Loveís First Kiss?
Yes, in Sleeping Beauty and Snow White and
things. The prince comes along, and.... Gwen. Youíre not going to tell me thatís
Amora Primus is the spell behind
the legend. Itís the most forceful of the four basic kissing spells. The other
three are rubbish in comparison Ė childís play Ė the kind of seducing spells
that donít mean anything in matters of the heart. This one only reveals what
already exists, and the only opportunity to perform it comes at the moment of
a loverís near-death.
Oh! How does it work?
Well, suppose a witchís true
love lies unconscious and perishing Ė suppose that help is too far off, and
itís almost certain the man will die in moments. That is when the witch can
place her wand-hand over his heart and invoke "Amora Primus" just
before kissing him. If the invocation is successful, her kiss will restore him
It only works once. Once you
have uttered "Amora Primus" with magic behind it, it will lose its
meaning, and you can never perform it again. So itís imperative that you choose
the moment wisely- this is one reason itís rarely performed, people are afraid
to waste their chance. Also, you must be absolutely certain that the person
who lies dying is your one true love Ė your only match. If he is not, then the
spell will go into reverse.
You mean Ė
Instead of restoring the man,
he will be killed instantaneously Ė this is the other reason itís almost never
used. People are afraid to hasten their sweetheartsí deaths. Theyíre also afraid
to find out that the person they think they love is not their one and only mate.
Ohhhhh.... thatís amazing, Gwen.... but then
if it succeeds, you know beyond all doubt that the man is your only match....
how roman tic....
Yes, it is. Itís the most romantic
spell on record, if you ask me.
And does it work only for women, or can men
perform it, too?
It can be performed by either
witch or wizard. Any other questions?
Yes, one more thing. Who was the one person
in your lifetime that accomplished it properly?
It was I myself.
Yes. That was the day Ė that
was the day that Lancelot discovered I was a witch Ė and all my fears were quelled,
because I thought he would hate me when he found out.
Oh Ė oh, what happened?
We were... it was... well,
thatís another story.
No it isnít!
Oh, yes it is. Some other time.
Oh, all right... but how brave
you were Ė you risked it when no one else would! and it worked, so you
really knew that he was your.... oh, Gwen, what a wonderful spell!
It was quite a moment. Have
I sufficiently distracted you?
Well, youíve certainly given me something to
think about... Can I tell it to Ginny?
Certainly. I think people ought
to know what their options are, in the event of an accident. Just warn her of
the consequences of using it out of turn. Iím sure you two will be the only
girls to know about this spell in all of Britain. Itís ancient magic, and probably
long out of practice. Iím not sure. We were all taught it in my day, but I havenít
heard it referred to in at least two hundred years.
Goodness, two hundred years Ė OW!
Ron just kicked me in the shoe! Hang on a minute.
Unbelievable. He wants to know what the second
ingredient is in a Dehydrating Potion, because weíre supposed to write up a
summary of the recipe before we try it in class.
"Honestly, Ron Ė youíve got the book right
in front of you!"
"Yeah, but whatís the point of wasting
time? You know it, donít you?"
"Iím not going to tell you if you canít
look it up!"
"Well, we know who your friends
are then, donít we?"
"Whatís that supposed to mean?"
"You helped Neville with the toad guts."
"It just.... it just is!"
"Well, it wasnít homework!"
"It was detention stuff, thatís almost
"Yeah, so whatís the second ingredient?
Come on, youíre making this a lot harder than it has to be."
!!!!! Do you see what I have to put
up with? Iím going to find Ginny, and tell her about Amora Primus. If
I stay down here, my romantic mood will be entirely spoiled. Never mind, it
Ah yes. Reality.
Gwen, your reality certainly sounds like it
was a lot nicer.
Oh, Hermione. One day Iíll
tell you a story to make you eat your words.
Sure, fine. Iím going to tell Ginny that her
brother is the most irritating person in all Britain.
Yes. Did you tell him the second
Of COURSE not!
Good. Goodnight, my dear.
At last! Iíve finished the manifesto! Do you
want to hear it?
The manifesto? What are you
Well, I need a statement, donít I? If Iím going
to do what you said, and rally people to my side about elf rights, then Iíll
have to explain to them why itís so important, so Iíve written up a credo for
the group. Our heading is, "Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical
Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status". Iíve done it
up on a sheet of parchment. Now all Iíve got to do is put the heading on fifty
badges, but Iím going to leave that until tomorrow, as itís too late tonight.
But would you like to hear the basic idea?
All right. First Iíve written a summary of
elf history Ė pretty much the same thing I told you the other day. And then
OUR SHORT TERM AIMS:
- To secure house-elves fair wages
- Obtain holiday and overtime compensation
- Legalize a standard minimum wage
- To secure house-elves fair working conditions
- Introduce pension plans
- Guarantee sick leave
- Outlaw physical and verbal harassment
in the workplace
OUR LONG TERM AIMS
- Amend clause three of the Code of Wand Use,
which states that "No non-human creature is permitted to carry or use
a wand", to exclude the elf species.
- Appoint an elf to the Department for the
Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.
So, what do you think?
Very well thought out, I must
Thanks! I canít wait to show Harry and Ron
tomorrow Ė when Iím all done with the badges and Iíve got a collecting tin,
then Iíll be able to move this project out of the library and into the houses.
Iíll charge two sickles to join the campaign Ė thatíll fund the leaflets Ė and
Iíll make Ron treasurer and Harry secretary.
My only big worry is that Ron wonít bother
joining, since he thinks that elves are happy being stepped all over. But Iím
not giving up on him, I know I can change his mind Ė if I just explain it, heíll
And if he doesnít?
Why? Donít you think he will? Heís got to have
an ounce of sense in there somewhere Ė Iíll find it Ė Iíll make him.
Anyway, heís treasurer, so heíd better get used to it. I canít do this all by
myself, and Iíve helped the two of them on hundreds of things. Now Iíve just
got one other little problem.
Well, "Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our
Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status"
doesnít fit on the badges. I donít know how to shorten it. S.O.A.O.F.M.C.C.C.T.L.S.
doesnít even fit on there.
Itís also rather difficult
to remember. What you need is a slogan. Something short, catchy and memorable.
Canít you think of any other way to summarize your cause?
Er.... not off the top of my head. Maybe if
I took out "Outrageous"?
Well, no. I was thinking, scratch
the whole heading, and think of a completely different way to say it. Try to
do it in five words or less.
Okay..... Stand Up for Elfish... no. Elves
are People... no. Non-Human Rights... oh, Gwen, this is hard. Hang on.
Start it with something like,
"Campaign for the..." or "The _______ Society of _______".
Think about it. Just mull it over, and youíll come up with something.
Well I have to come up with it by tomorrow
after dinner, thatís when Iím doing the badges. But all right, Iíll see what
I can come up with. "Society for the ______." I like that. "Society."
All right, thatís a good start Ė thanks, Gwen.
Anytime. Let me know what you
come up with.
I will, tomorrow! ĎBye, Gwen!
Brats, theyíre both brats. I canít believe
theyíre calling it "spew". Itís S Ė P Ė E - W. S.P.E.W. Not "spew".
I should have known theyíd be immature Ė Lavenderís right, Ron canít be serious
about anything important, and I donít even have time to be mad about it because
Sirius is coming back and now Iím too worried for him and for Harry to get angry
Slow down! Iím way behind Ė
Yes, I managed to do it Ė itís the slogan Ė
Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. S.P.E.W. Isnít that perfect? And
it fits on the badges, and itís great. If they wouldnít call it "spew"
it would be even better. Why must everything important be reduced to a joke
Well... the letters do spell
Iím sorry, Hermione, but...
well... what do you want me to say?
So what if they spell spew? What does it matter,
when it stands for something real?
Itís just that people are going
to have a hard time wanting to wear badges that say spew.
S Ė P Ė E Ė W!!!!!
Right. Sorry. But you understand
what Iím saying, donít you? It has nothing to do with you Ė I know youíre mature
enough to wear your.... unfortunate acronym. But canít you put something else
on the badges?
No, theyíre all done! Oh, I could just scream.
Donít scream. Calm down, itís
going to be all right, youíll be fine, itís only a name, and people will get
over it. Iím sure youíll be able to convince everyone that itís the effort toward
freedom that really counts for something. I know you will. Youíve worked very
hard, and Iím proud of you.
Really, Hermione. Itíll be
Yes, it had better be. Iíll make everyone see.
They have to see. Itís too much, going to meals three times a day and knowing
that all the time, underneath the floors, these poor creatures are being taken
advantage of, and Iím a part of that Ė oh, Gwen, itís so rotten.
Youíll help change it. Look
what you did for Buckbeak! Youíre a champion of the less-fortunate, I have utter
faith in your ability to make a change.
Thank you, Gwen. Youíre always such a comfort.
I hope so. Now, back to that
other thing you said Ė Sirius is coming back?
Yes. Remember Harry wrote him about his scar
hurting? Well Hedwig finally came back with the reply today. Sirius said that
Harryís scar is the latest in a series of unsettling reports that have reached
him, and heís coming back and going into hiding nearer to Hogwarts Ė we donít
know where Ė but close enough that he can be on hand if something happens. Harryís
furious Ė he thinks now Sirius will be caught, and itíll be all his fault for
complaining that his scar hurt. Heís terrified of losing his godfather, now
that heís finally found him. I would be, too. I wish Sirius would stay in hiding
far away... but then I also think itís good that heís coming, because I donít
feel right about all the funny things thatíve happened Ė like the Dark Mark
and the Death Eaters.
And Harryís scar.
Yes, and Harryís scar. Itís like a direct link
to all these other things, and it scares me. Sirius said for Harry to go to
Mad-Eye Moody if it hurts again. He said that since Professor Moodyís here,
heíll be reading the Dark magic signs, even if nobody else is. Thatís what Professor
Moody used to do, as an Auror - and he was one of the best Aurors ever. They
say that half the cells in Azkaban are full because of him. I believe it, now
that weíve had class with him. What a nightmare of a lesson he gave us today,
Gwen. He frightened everybody.
Why? What did he do to you?
Nothing to us. Itís what he did to these three
spiders. He performed the Unforgivable Curses on them. First he put the Imperius
Curse on one and made it do tricks, everyone was laughing Ė and then he said,
"Youíd like it, would you, if I did it to you?" Everyone got very
still. No, we certainly would NOT. Thatís the curse those Death Eaters were
using to contort the Muggle family in the sky, at the World Cup. That would
be perfectly awful. It gave me the shivers Ė Gwen, I hope... nobody ever tries
that on me.
Theyíd better not.
Yes. Then Professor Moody took out the second
spider, engorged it to the size of a large hand, and put the Cruciatus Curse
on it. It crumpled into itself Ė it looked like it would have screamed if it
had a voice. It was awful to watch Ė and it really disturbed Neville. He was
white and clenched Ė I havenít seen Neville look like that since last year,
when that dementor came into our compartment on the Hogwarts Express. He was
completely undone, just watching the spider get tortured. Heís very sensitive.
But the worst was last Ė Professor Moody asked
if any of us knew the third curse and I said yes. Avada Kedavra. Everybody
flinched. And then Professor Moody pulled out the last spider....
Avada Kedavra Ė itís just a couple
of words and a flash of green light. And thatís... it. Dead. Harry just
stared. Thatís how his mum and dad were murdered, just like that, just that
fast. How awful for him to see a creature die just the way they did. I was watching
him, and watching the spider, and trying to imagine what he must be feeling
Ė but I never can. Itís hard to know, with Harry. He doesnít let on at all.
Moody said to him after class, "It seems harsh maybe, but youíve got
to know. No point pretending." Harry just acted like he was perfectly
fine. He always does.
Neville didnít though Ė he was truly disturbed,
couldnít string a sentence together. After Moody had made sure of Harry, he
took Neville to his office for tea. Neville looked pretty scared to go with
him, but later on, he told us that Moody had given him "Magical Water Plants
of the Mediterranean" to read, because heíd heard from Professor Sprout
that Nevilleís really great in Herbology. It cheered Neville up a lot to hear
that. He doesnít get a lot of compliments about his class work.
That was very sympathetic of
Yes, itís something Professor Lupin would have
done. I guess Moodyís rather perceptive, what with that magical eye. Itís so
weird, that thing. It rolls around in the socket like a cue-ball and
it can see through wood, and the back of his head, and everything Ė he scared
Lavender by seeing through her desk and catching her looking at her Divination
horoscope under there. I imagine he can see through the very walls.
Oh, no. Gwen. You donít suppose that eye of
his can see through clothes!
Iím sure it absolutely canNOT.
Yes, youíre right, Dumbledore would never let...
still it seems like if he can see through wood.... you know what? Iím not ever
going to think about that again. But Iíll say once more that it would be highly
appreciated if next year, Hogwarts hired a NORMAL PERSON TO TEACH US. Oh, I
should just give up. Iíll have freed every elf in the world before Dumbledore
hires an ordinary witch or wizard.
Speaking of elves, do you know what Ron said?
Aside from making fun of my badges and calling my organization "spew",
he actually said, "Hermione, open your ears. They. Like. It. They like
being enslaved." I mean, is he insane? He canít really think
that! Heís too smart to think that Ė I know he doesnít act like heís
smart, but he is. Ugh, why wonít he grow up?
Are the elves supposed to have patience? Oh,
never mind, itís been a long day and Iím worried about Harry and Sirius so Iím
getting snippy. I have to go to bed. Iím starting my campaign tomorrow, and
whether Ron and Harry like it or not theyíre going to wear these badges and
canvass the other students. And if they wonít help, then Iíll do it by myself.
See you later, Gwen. Goodnight.