Most frequenters of the Sugar Quill that are familiar with the professors
know them as a mild-mannered bunch. They see them on a daily basis reading
and writing Harry Potter fan fiction. But what most people don’t know
is that some of these same professors lead dangerous double lives. By
day they read fanfic, correcting errors and making suggestions. But at
night, and three times a week when they are on-call, the real beta-ing
is done. That is when they literally save lives.
Today I present to you Part One of:
The VERY Secret Lives of the Sugar Quill Professors.
This documentary was made without permission from the Headmistresses.
Some names have been changed to protect the guilty.
(Cue dramatic music)
SQ Productions presents...
The VERY Secret Lives of the Sugar Quill Professors
Part One: The Sugar Quill Search and Rescue Team
Narrator: You are about to enter a very secret realm – that of
Sugar Quill Headquarters. Very few are ever allowed to penetrate its walls.
What you are about to see is the training of new recruits for the Sugar
Quill Search and Rescue Team. Recruits go through six weeks of rigorous
training in order to be fully equipped and prepared to perform the dangerous
duties of rescuing HP characters from non-canon fan fiction. Lieutenant
Generals Arabella and Zsenya run recruits through the gauntlet in order
to insure they are up for the momentous and dangerous tasks they will
be asked to do.
(Cut to introductory scene)
(Yelling)
LG Arabella: Where are you from, girl?
Recruit: Maryland,
ma'am!
LG Arabella: There's only two things come out of Maryland!
Crabs and H/H-ers! You ain't no crab, so you must be an H/H-er!
Recruit: No, ma'am!
LG Arabella: Are you disagreeing with me?! Drop and give me twenty
canon examples of R/H! Now! Move! MOVE!
Narrator: The SQ S&R Team works hard in the field and in the classroom.
Their main mission is to keep JKR's characters true to canon. Anything
less than that will not be tolerated.
(Cut to classroom scene)
LG Zsenya: You will now turn to page 734 of your American edition
of Goblet of Fire to discuss the infamous "kiss" which you were to have
read last night. Are there any questions?
Recruit: If Hermione kissed Harry, doesn't that mean, sub textually
speaking, that she likes him?
LG Zsenya: Good question and I want everyone to pay very close
attention to the answer: There is no H/H subtext in any of the Harry Potter
books! It's complete and utter nonsense! A myth perpetuated by those that
want you to believe their canon ‘outtakes’ are possible! For homework
tonight you are assigned Chapter 23 - The Yule Ball. I want you all to
fill at least three scrolls discussing each and every textual example
given that Ron and Hermione like one another. Do not take this assignment
lightly! It’s imperative that you know your FACTS!
Narrator: When they have completed their training, one or more
of these recruits will be on call at all times in case of characterization
emergencies. (CE’s) Here Captain Kathy, a rank she maintains despite being
given promotions on numerous occasions, and Major General B Bennett discuss
how tough it really is out there.
Captain Kathy (Master at Arms): Mostly we just pull characters
out of bad fics. Sometimes the fic might be popular and even well written,
but if they are OOC, we gotta get 'em out of there pronto. Last week we
went in and pulled Ron out of a bad romance situation with Lavender. I
can't even begin to tell you how many times we've had to go in to split
up Harry and Hermione. They are always grateful though. I mean, even Harry
says thank you! It makes the job worthwhile.
Major General B Bennett (SQHQ Communications Specialist): I'm
not out in the field anymore, but I do make a lot of the calls as to where
to send people, and what takes top priority. For instance, we would send
someone in for a Hermione/Draco before Hermione/Harry. It's as simple
as that. As for Weasley cheating, well, that has no place in the JKR universe
and we don't tolerate it one bit. That would definitely come before just
about anything else, except maybe twincest, but it's rare that we get
a call on that. Since I've been here, H/D and H/H are the number one CE's
we deal with. We also get a lot of calls on dialog and slang. You just
can't have British kids talking like they are from the Valley.
Narrator: Keeping JKR’s characters in-canon is the number one
priority for these dedicated gals.
Brigadier General Moey (Special R/H Reconnaissance): My troops
and me, we go out and scout the fan fiction waters, you know, see what's
out there. I stay in constant contact with SQHQ so they can advise us
on what to do because sometimes it’s tricky. Sometimes they seem H/H or
worse, D/H, but that’s not how they end up. We usually don't go in on
the first chapter but there have been times where it's been necessary.
Some of the shorter fics, you have to go right in on the first couple
of sentences. It's a judgment call for the most part. We really rely on
SQHQ for orders and advise. We do work as a team, but sometimes spur of
the moment decisions have to be made. One time I was reading a fic where
Hermione was making out with Draco on page two. I didn't even have time
to contact SQHQ - I had to go in immediately. You have to go with your
gut instincts. I did the right thing though. Hermione is now happily with
Ron in another story.
Colonel Jedi Boadicea (Has Swords, Will Use Them): I've recently
just started heading up the newly formed west coast contingent and I'm
drafting members as we speak. Our east coast team has been doing most
of the work and they're tired. Hopefully, I'll have a fully functioning
team sometime this summer. After I get them trained, we'll have enough
manpower on both coasts to send someone out to assist. For now though,
we have to work with what we have. The amount of OOC’s and CE’s continues
to grow, and we need more recruits to help us fight the fight.
Narrator: Tune in next time for a more in depth look at:
The VERY Secret Lives of the Sugar Quill Professors.
(Cue dramatic music)
(Fade to black)
~Outtake One~
Scene: A very angry B Bennett emerges from the loo.
B Bennett: Ok, who was it this time?
Cap'n Kathy: Who was what?
B Bennett holds out the empty toilet paper roll.
Moey: Well it wasn't me. I use the roll I keep on my peg leg.
B Bennett: (screams) Jedi! I swear!
The rustle of skirts, shuffle of bare feet, and the distinct rattle of
a sword is heard echoing down the corridor.
(end clip)
