The Sugar Quill
Author: Moey (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Sugar Quill Search and Rescue  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.


Most frequenters of the Sugar Quill that are familiar with the professors know them as a mild-mannered bunch. They see them on a daily basis reading and writing Harry Potter fan fiction. But what most people donít know is that some of these same professors lead dangerous double lives. By day they read fanfic, correcting errors and making suggestions. But at night, and three times a week when they are on-call, the real beta-ing is done. That is when they literally save lives.

Today I present to you Part One of:

The VERY Secret Lives of the Sugar Quill Professors.

This documentary was made without permission from the Headmistresses. Some names have been changed to protect the guilty.

(Cue dramatic music)

SQ Productions presents...

The VERY Secret Lives of the Sugar Quill Professors
Part One: The Sugar Quill Search and Rescue Team

Narrator: You are about to enter a very secret realm Ė that of Sugar Quill Headquarters. Very few are ever allowed to penetrate its walls. What you are about to see is the training of new recruits for the Sugar Quill Search and Rescue Team. Recruits go through six weeks of rigorous training in order to be fully equipped and prepared to perform the dangerous duties of rescuing HP characters from non-canon fan fiction. Lieutenant Generals Arabella and Zsenya run recruits through the gauntlet in order to insure they are up for the momentous and dangerous tasks they will be asked to do.

(Cut to introductory scene)


LG Arabella: Where are you from, girl?

Recruit: Maryland, ma'am!

LG Arabella: There's only two things come out of Maryland! Crabs and H/H-ers! You ain't no crab, so you must be an H/H-er!

Recruit: No, ma'am!

LG Arabella: Are you disagreeing with me?! Drop and give me twenty canon examples of R/H! Now! Move! MOVE!

Narrator: The SQ S&R Team works hard in the field and in the classroom. Their main mission is to keep JKR's characters true to canon. Anything less than that will not be tolerated.

(Cut to classroom scene)

LG Zsenya: You will now turn to page 734 of your American edition of Goblet of Fire to discuss the infamous "kiss" which you were to have read last night. Are there any questions?

Recruit: If Hermione kissed Harry, doesn't that mean, sub textually speaking, that she likes him?

LG Zsenya: Good question and I want everyone to pay very close attention to the answer: There is no H/H subtext in any of the Harry Potter books! It's complete and utter nonsense! A myth perpetuated by those that want you to believe their canon Ďouttakesí are possible! For homework tonight you are assigned Chapter 23 - The Yule Ball. I want you all to fill at least three scrolls discussing each and every textual example given that Ron and Hermione like one another. Do not take this assignment lightly! Itís imperative that you know your FACTS!

Narrator: When they have completed their training, one or more of these recruits will be on call at all times in case of characterization emergencies. (CEís) Here Captain Kathy, a rank she maintains despite being given promotions on numerous occasions, and Major General B Bennett discuss how tough it really is out there.

Captain Kathy (Master at Arms): Mostly we just pull characters out of bad fics. Sometimes the fic might be popular and even well written, but if they are OOC, we gotta get 'em out of there pronto. Last week we went in and pulled Ron out of a bad romance situation with Lavender. I can't even begin to tell you how many times we've had to go in to split up Harry and Hermione. They are always grateful though. I mean, even Harry says thank you! It makes the job worthwhile.

Major General B Bennett (SQHQ Communications Specialist): I'm not out in the field anymore, but I do make a lot of the calls as to where to send people, and what takes top priority. For instance, we would send someone in for a Hermione/Draco before Hermione/Harry. It's as simple as that. As for Weasley cheating, well, that has no place in the JKR universe and we don't tolerate it one bit. That would definitely come before just about anything else, except maybe twincest, but it's rare that we get a call on that. Since I've been here, H/D and H/H are the number one CE's we deal with. We also get a lot of calls on dialog and slang. You just can't have British kids talking like they are from the Valley.

Narrator: Keeping JKRís characters in-canon is the number one priority for these dedicated gals.

Brigadier General Moey (Special R/H Reconnaissance): My troops and me, we go out and scout the fan fiction waters, you know, see what's out there. I stay in constant contact with SQHQ so they can advise us on what to do because sometimes itís tricky. Sometimes they seem H/H or worse, D/H, but thatís not how they end up. We usually don't go in on the first chapter but there have been times where it's been necessary. Some of the shorter fics, you have to go right in on the first couple of sentences. It's a judgment call for the most part. We really rely on SQHQ for orders and advise. We do work as a team, but sometimes spur of the moment decisions have to be made. One time I was reading a fic where Hermione was making out with Draco on page two. I didn't even have time to contact SQHQ - I had to go in immediately. You have to go with your gut instincts. I did the right thing though. Hermione is now happily with Ron in another story.

Colonel Jedi Boadicea (Has Swords, Will Use Them): I've recently just started heading up the newly formed west coast contingent and I'm drafting members as we speak. Our east coast team has been doing most of the work and they're tired. Hopefully, I'll have a fully functioning team sometime this summer. After I get them trained, we'll have enough manpower on both coasts to send someone out to assist. For now though, we have to work with what we have. The amount of OOCís and CEís continues to grow, and we need more recruits to help us fight the fight.

Narrator: Tune in next time for a more in depth look at:

The VERY Secret Lives of the Sugar Quill Professors.

(Cue dramatic music)

(Fade to black)


~Outtake One~

Scene: A very angry B Bennett emerges from the loo.

B Bennett: Ok, who was it this time?

Cap'n Kathy: Who was what?

B Bennett holds out the empty toilet paper roll.

Moey: Well it wasn't me. I use the roll I keep on my peg leg.

B Bennett: (screams) Jedi! I swear!

The rustle of skirts, shuffle of bare feet, and the distinct rattle of a sword is heard echoing down the corridor.

(end clip)

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The Sugar Quill was created by Zsenya and Arabella. For questions, please send us an Owl!

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