Disclaimer: The characters and beasts
belong to JK Rowling, not me.
Summary: The correspondence of an
overworked Ministry of Magic employee…
Category: General? Humour? Who knows?
Author's Notes: I've been so busy
lately I've been running round like a maniac. So I know just how Yolanda
feels. And if I do have time to write fanfic, I really should finish part
8 of "No Easy Goodbyes". But I was overcome with the urge to write this
- well, it gave me a laugh!
SPOILERS - if you haven't read
"Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" yet…
* * 1 * *
To: Mr. Rubeus Hagrid.
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Mr. Hagrid,
It has been brought to our attention
that you have been instructing students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft
and Wizardry in the care of dangerous creatures known as "Blast-Ended
Skrewts". Furthermore, it has been reported to us that these creatures
(hitherto unknown to us in this division) are crosses between Manticores
and Fire Crabs. As the Care of Magical Creatures teacher at the above-mentioned
educational establishment, we assume that you are aware of the 1965 Ban
on Experimental Breeding which makes all creation of new magical cross-species
illegal (except in exceptional circumstances; see Clause 5, Sub-Section
11). You will also be aware that persistent offenders against this Act
are liable to heavy fines and possible imprisonment.
Ministry policy is that any creatures
bred illegally must be disposed of, as they pose a very real danger to
the wizarding public. We would ask that you dispose of your remaining
"Blast-Ended Skrewts" immediately, and await your owl confirming that
this procedure has been carried out. Should we not hear from you, we will
have to send an investigative team from this Division to assess the situation
and carry out the disposal if necessary. I am sure that you will agree
that it is better to be safe than sorry.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 2 * *
To: Professor Alastor Moody
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Professor Moody,
Some years ago this Division granted
you a licence to own a Crup. We understand that, since your recent return
to your home from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you have
acquired no less than five Crups, which have attracted the attention of
local Muggles by behaving somewhat aggressively towards all passers-by.
Indeed, a passing Muggle postman is said to have received a most unpleasant
flesh wound when an untethered Crup bit him on the ankle a few days ago.
This Division appreciates that during
the course of your distinguished career as an Auror you have become wary
of threats to your personal safety. However, we must ask that you keep
your pets under more restraint, in order to avoid further unfortunate
incidents of this kind.
Thank you in advance for your co-operation.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 3 * *
To: Mrs. Arabella Figg
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Mrs. Figg,
This Division has recently received
some information of a disturbing nature. We understand that you are currently
the owner of two large cats, but we have been informed that your cats
are, in fact, Kneazles, which you have charmed into a more domestic-cat
appearance in order to avoid the attention of your Muggle neighbours.
I am sure you are aware that the Ministry discourages the ownership of
Kneazles in densely-populated Muggle areas, especially since the "Muggle
Mauling" in Bristol in 1984. Furthermore, we would remind you that a Ministry
licence is necessary for Kneazle ownership. Our records show that you
do not possess such a licence.
Mr. Dedalus Diggle has made a complaint
to this Division, in which he alleges that during a visit to your house
on July 19th last, he was severely scratched by one of these
"Kneazles" which attacked him when he refused to share some Pumpkin Pasties
with it.
We ask that you obtain the necessary
Kneazle licence immediately, and enclose an application form, which should
be completed and returned to this office, together with a fee of five
Galleons per Kneazle. In the meantime, please could you ensure that your
pets are kept under control, so that this office does not receive further
complaints about them.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 4 * *
To: Professor Alastor Moody
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Professor Moody,
We wrote to you on July 25th
concerning complaints about the behaviour of your pet Crups, but have
not received a reply from you. This Division is concerned to note that
since we wrote to you, you do not appear to have restrained your Crups,
which have been described to us as "extremely aggressive" by witnesses.
Furthermore, we have received another
complaint that you have now acquired a Jarvey, which is at large in your
garden with the Crups, and which you have apparently been training to
defend your house against unwelcome visitors. This Division cannot feel
that a Jarvey is a suitable domestic pet, and we feel we should warn you
that you will be held liable for any injuries caused to approaching wizards
or Muggles by your pets. I am sure you would not wish any of your visitors
to be seriously hurt, and that you will be happy to co-operate with us
in this matter. We await your owl.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 5 * *
To: Miss Celestina Warbeck
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Miss Warbeck,
Re: Complaint against Mr. Mundungus
Fletcher.
Thank you for your letter of August
1st. We have noted your concern about your neighbour, Mr. Fletcher,
and the nuisance you say is being caused by his pet Augureys. We have
also received a letter from your manager, Mr. Max Runtling, supporting
your allegation that the Augureys are causing you to suffer from depression,
brought on by their constant moaning. Mr. Runtling tells us that on wet
days the loud wails of Mr. Fletcher's Augureys make it impossible for
you to practise your singing, and we appreciate that as a professional
singer you must find this very difficult.
We have written to Mr. Fletcher concerning
your complaint, and asked him to keep his pets from becoming a nuisance,
through the use of Silencing Charms or other means. Unfortunately, we
have received a very negative reply from Mr. Fletcher, who appears to
be strongly resistant to the idea that anyone could dislike the singing
of his pets, Betty, Hetty and Letty. Nonetheless, we would like to reassure
you that we will be insisting in the strongest terms that he comply with
Ministry guidelines, with the possibility of a heavy fine or the confiscation
of his pets if he does not.
We hope that the situation will be
resolved soon.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 6 * *
To: Professor Alastor Moody
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Professor Moody,
This Division has received your response
to our letter of August 3rd, in which we warned you about the
potential danger posed by your Crups and your Jarvey to your visitors
and neighbours. We were disappointed by the negative tone of your response,
in which you appeared to say that you were unwilling to restrain your
magical creatures, and expressed your intention of (I quote) "seeing off
undesirables by whatever means it takes".
We have also been alarmed to receive
a further report that you have now become the owner of a large Griffin
(M.O.M. Classification XXXX), which you are employing to guard your front
door. Although we acknowledge that you have enchanted this beast to make
it appear as a stone statue to Muggles, we understand that the sight of
it gnawing large joints of raw meat and behaving menacingly has caused
considerable alarm among the local wizarding population.
The Beast Division really cannot accept
that the level of danger from dark wizards likely to be faced by a retired
Auror living in a quiet part of Berkshire is high enough to justify the
use of such creatures. You may feel that (and I quote again from your
letter) "constant vigilance" is necessary, but we feel that you are over-reacting
in this instance, and we ask that you dispose of your Jarvey and your
Griffin to suitable habitats within the next seven days; and also keep
your Crups firmly tethered. Mr. Aurelius Quapshot, a representative of
this Division, will be visiting you in a week's time to ensure that you
have complied with our requests. Failure to comply may result in the imposition
of a fine.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 7 * *
To: Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Mr. Lockhart,
We have considered your application
(dated August 5th) for a Fwooper licence, and regret that we
have decided not to grant you such a licence. We contacted the referee
you gave, Dr. Honoria Stone, and she informed us that you are still
an out-patient at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries,
where I understand you resided until very recently. She feels (and we
must concur) that your current delicate health would not make you a suitable
carer for a Fwooper. As you are aware, they have to be handled responsibly
as, without the use of the correct Silencing Charms, their song can drive
owners to insanity. Dr. Stone feels that licensing you to keep one would
not be advisable at this stage of your recovery.
You stated on your licence application
that you needed a Fwooper for your work as a writer, since it was the
only bird whose plumage could provide writing quills of enough colours
to match all your outfits. Unfortunately, we do not find this a strong
enough reason to relax our policy on Fwooper ownership. Perhaps you would
like to apply again in a few years' time, when your doctors think the
time is right.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 8 * *
To: Professor Alastor Moody
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Professor Moody,
On August 6th we wrote
to you asking that you disposed of the Griffin and Jarvey which you have
been using to protect your home. On August 13th we sent our
representative, Mr. Aurelius Quapshot, to your home to confirm that you
had complied with the Ministry's request. Unfortunately, when Mr. Quapshot
arrived at your home he found that you had chosen not to do so; and a
most unpleasant scene resulted.
Mr. Quapshot (despite being extremely
shaken) has reported to us his findings on visiting your home. He tells
us that when he arrived at your gate, he immediately became aware that
the five Crups and the Jarvey were still at large, as they approached
him in a very menacing manner. He was also shocked to discover that a
large Griffin (as described in our letter of August 6th) was
still guarding your front door; and the behaviour of this dangerous beast
was so extremely alarming that Mr. Quapshot decided not to continue further
towards your house. It was at this point, as he turned to leave, that
he became aware of another addition to your "menagerie", a Tebo (M.O.M.
Classification XXXX). Since, as you are aware, Tebos usually become invisible
when they are about to attack, the first Mr. Quapshot knew of the beast's
presence was when it charged him, tossing him upon its horns and attempting
to gore him. Only Mr. Quapshot's quick thinking and use of defensi ve
magic saved him from serious injury. As it is, he is still recovering
from his experience in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.
This Division must deplore your apparent
disregard for our instructions and protest most strongly at this
attack on our representative by your uncontrolled "pets". We insist that
you dispose of all your magical creatures immediately, and a team
of representatives will be visiting your home in the next few days to
ensure that this procedure has been carried out.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 9 * *
To: Mrs. Doris Crockford
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Mrs. Crockford,
We understand that for the last two
months you have been employed as a cook at the well-known Diagon Alley
hostelry, the Leaky Cauldron. We have received several letters of complaint
from witches and wizards who have dined recently at the Leaky Cauldron,
alleging that some of the food served there has contained inappropriate
ingredients. Specifically, they allege that a dish advertised as "Chicken
Casserole" actually contained meat from a Mackled Malaclaw, and that since
dining at the Leaky Cauldron they have been suffering from various unpleasant
symptoms including "a high fever and an unsightly greenish rash". I am
sure that you are aware that it is against wizarding law to serve Malaclaw
meat, since its flesh is unfit for human consumption.
There have also been allegations that
your menu has featured "Roast Leg of Beef with Mushrooms" which actually
contained Mooncalf meat and Horklumps. The Beast Division would have to
object strongly to any culinary use of Mooncalves or Horklumps.
We are writing to the landlord of the Leaky Cauldron by this post to inform
him that an inspection of the premises will be carried out by a Ministry
team, which will have the power to close down your kitchen, should they
find breaches of the 1943 Wizarding Food Act.
We hope most strongly that these allegations
will prove to be unfounded.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
* * 10 * *
To: Professor Alastor Moody
From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
Beast Division
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical
Creatures
The Ministry of Magic
Dear Professor Moody,
You appear to take pleasure in ignoring
the instructions of the Ministry with regard to the dangerous beasts you
are using to guard your home from whatever danger you imagine yourself
to be in. It is now several days since the last time we requested you
to dispose of all these creatures, and we are informed that you have done
nothing to comply with our request. Indeed, we have been appalled to receive
information that you have actually added an Occamy and a Sphinx
(both M.O.M. Classification XXXX) to your "defences" during the last two
days.
Polite requests and Ministry letters
clearly mean nothing to one as paranoid about his own protection as yourself
(or, indeed, one who cares so little about the potential risks to his
visitors and neighbours). This Division's responsibility is to protect
the public and prevent irresponsible ownership of magical creatures. This
letter, therefore, is to inform you that a deputation from the
Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures will be visiting you
shortly, together with a trained squad from the Department of Magical
Law Enforcement. We are sorry to have to take these extreme measures,
but feel that this is the only course left open to us in view of your
lack of co-operation.
Yours sincerely,
Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck
The End
Please review! And if you have
a brilliant idea for another problem Yolanda could deal with, please let
me know and I'll consider writing a sequel!
