The Sugar Quill
Author: Mrs Weasley (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Yours Sincerely  Chapter: Default
The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

Disclaimer: The characters and beasts belong to JK Rowling, not me.

Summary: The correspondence of an overworked Ministry of Magic employee…

Category: General? Humour? Who knows?

Author's Notes: I've been so busy lately I've been running round like a maniac. So I know just how Yolanda feels. And if I do have time to write fanfic, I really should finish part 8 of "No Easy Goodbyes". But I was overcome with the urge to write this - well, it gave me a laugh!

SPOILERS - if you haven't read "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" yet…

 

* * 1 * *

To: Mr. Rubeus Hagrid.

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Mr. Hagrid,

It has been brought to our attention that you have been instructing students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the care of dangerous creatures known as "Blast-Ended Skrewts". Furthermore, it has been reported to us that these creatures (hitherto unknown to us in this division) are crosses between Manticores and Fire Crabs. As the Care of Magical Creatures teacher at the above-mentioned educational establishment, we assume that you are aware of the 1965 Ban on Experimental Breeding which makes all creation of new magical cross-species illegal (except in exceptional circumstances; see Clause 5, Sub-Section 11). You will also be aware that persistent offenders against this Act are liable to heavy fines and possible imprisonment.

Ministry policy is that any creatures bred illegally must be disposed of, as they pose a very real danger to the wizarding public. We would ask that you dispose of your remaining "Blast-Ended Skrewts" immediately, and await your owl confirming that this procedure has been carried out. Should we not hear from you, we will have to send an investigative team from this Division to assess the situation and carry out the disposal if necessary. I am sure that you will agree that it is better to be safe than sorry.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 2 * *

To: Professor Alastor Moody

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Professor Moody,

Some years ago this Division granted you a licence to own a Crup. We understand that, since your recent return to your home from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you have acquired no less than five Crups, which have attracted the attention of local Muggles by behaving somewhat aggressively towards all passers-by. Indeed, a passing Muggle postman is said to have received a most unpleasant flesh wound when an untethered Crup bit him on the ankle a few days ago.

This Division appreciates that during the course of your distinguished career as an Auror you have become wary of threats to your personal safety. However, we must ask that you keep your pets under more restraint, in order to avoid further unfortunate incidents of this kind.

Thank you in advance for your co-operation.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 3 * *

To: Mrs. Arabella Figg

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Mrs. Figg,

This Division has recently received some information of a disturbing nature. We understand that you are currently the owner of two large cats, but we have been informed that your cats are, in fact, Kneazles, which you have charmed into a more domestic-cat appearance in order to avoid the attention of your Muggle neighbours. I am sure you are aware that the Ministry discourages the ownership of Kneazles in densely-populated Muggle areas, especially since the "Muggle Mauling" in Bristol in 1984. Furthermore, we would remind you that a Ministry licence is necessary for Kneazle ownership. Our records show that you do not possess such a licence.

Mr. Dedalus Diggle has made a complaint to this Division, in which he alleges that during a visit to your house on July 19th last, he was severely scratched by one of these "Kneazles" which attacked him when he refused to share some Pumpkin Pasties with it.

We ask that you obtain the necessary Kneazle licence immediately, and enclose an application form, which should be completed and returned to this office, together with a fee of five Galleons per Kneazle. In the meantime, please could you ensure that your pets are kept under control, so that this office does not receive further complaints about them.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 4 * *

To: Professor Alastor Moody

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Professor Moody,

We wrote to you on July 25th concerning complaints about the behaviour of your pet Crups, but have not received a reply from you. This Division is concerned to note that since we wrote to you, you do not appear to have restrained your Crups, which have been described to us as "extremely aggressive" by witnesses.

Furthermore, we have received another complaint that you have now acquired a Jarvey, which is at large in your garden with the Crups, and which you have apparently been training to defend your house against unwelcome visitors. This Division cannot feel that a Jarvey is a suitable domestic pet, and we feel we should warn you that you will be held liable for any injuries caused to approaching wizards or Muggles by your pets. I am sure you would not wish any of your visitors to be seriously hurt, and that you will be happy to co-operate with us in this matter. We await your owl.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 5 * *

To: Miss Celestina Warbeck

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Miss Warbeck,

Re: Complaint against Mr. Mundungus Fletcher.

Thank you for your letter of August 1st. We have noted your concern about your neighbour, Mr. Fletcher, and the nuisance you say is being caused by his pet Augureys. We have also received a letter from your manager, Mr. Max Runtling, supporting your allegation that the Augureys are causing you to suffer from depression, brought on by their constant moaning. Mr. Runtling tells us that on wet days the loud wails of Mr. Fletcher's Augureys make it impossible for you to practise your singing, and we appreciate that as a professional singer you must find this very difficult.

We have written to Mr. Fletcher concerning your complaint, and asked him to keep his pets from becoming a nuisance, through the use of Silencing Charms or other means. Unfortunately, we have received a very negative reply from Mr. Fletcher, who appears to be strongly resistant to the idea that anyone could dislike the singing of his pets, Betty, Hetty and Letty. Nonetheless, we would like to reassure you that we will be insisting in the strongest terms that he comply with Ministry guidelines, with the possibility of a heavy fine or the confiscation of his pets if he does not.

We hope that the situation will be resolved soon.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 6 * *

To: Professor Alastor Moody

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Professor Moody,

This Division has received your response to our letter of August 3rd, in which we warned you about the potential danger posed by your Crups and your Jarvey to your visitors and neighbours. We were disappointed by the negative tone of your response, in which you appeared to say that you were unwilling to restrain your magical creatures, and expressed your intention of (I quote) "seeing off undesirables by whatever means it takes".

We have also been alarmed to receive a further report that you have now become the owner of a large Griffin (M.O.M. Classification XXXX), which you are employing to guard your front door. Although we acknowledge that you have enchanted this beast to make it appear as a stone statue to Muggles, we understand that the sight of it gnawing large joints of raw meat and behaving menacingly has caused considerable alarm among the local wizarding population.

The Beast Division really cannot accept that the level of danger from dark wizards likely to be faced by a retired Auror living in a quiet part of Berkshire is high enough to justify the use of such creatures. You may feel that (and I quote again from your letter) "constant vigilance" is necessary, but we feel that you are over-reacting in this instance, and we ask that you dispose of your Jarvey and your Griffin to suitable habitats within the next seven days; and also keep your Crups firmly tethered. Mr. Aurelius Quapshot, a representative of this Division, will be visiting you in a week's time to ensure that you have complied with our requests. Failure to comply may result in the imposition of a fine.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 7 * *

To: Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Mr. Lockhart,

We have considered your application (dated August 5th) for a Fwooper licence, and regret that we have decided not to grant you such a licence. We contacted the referee you gave, Dr. Honoria Stone, and she informed us that you are still an out-patient at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, where I understand you resided until very recently. She feels (and we must concur) that your current delicate health would not make you a suitable carer for a Fwooper. As you are aware, they have to be handled responsibly as, without the use of the correct Silencing Charms, their song can drive owners to insanity. Dr. Stone feels that licensing you to keep one would not be advisable at this stage of your recovery.

You stated on your licence application that you needed a Fwooper for your work as a writer, since it was the only bird whose plumage could provide writing quills of enough colours to match all your outfits. Unfortunately, we do not find this a strong enough reason to relax our policy on Fwooper ownership. Perhaps you would like to apply again in a few years' time, when your doctors think the time is right.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 8 * *

To: Professor Alastor Moody

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Professor Moody,

On August 6th we wrote to you asking that you disposed of the Griffin and Jarvey which you have been using to protect your home. On August 13th we sent our representative, Mr. Aurelius Quapshot, to your home to confirm that you had complied with the Ministry's request. Unfortunately, when Mr. Quapshot arrived at your home he found that you had chosen not to do so; and a most unpleasant scene resulted.

Mr. Quapshot (despite being extremely shaken) has reported to us his findings on visiting your home. He tells us that when he arrived at your gate, he immediately became aware that the five Crups and the Jarvey were still at large, as they approached him in a very menacing manner. He was also shocked to discover that a large Griffin (as described in our letter of August 6th) was still guarding your front door; and the behaviour of this dangerous beast was so extremely alarming that Mr. Quapshot decided not to continue further towards your house. It was at this point, as he turned to leave, that he became aware of another addition to your "menagerie", a Tebo (M.O.M. Classification XXXX). Since, as you are aware, Tebos usually become invisible when they are about to attack, the first Mr. Quapshot knew of the beast's presence was when it charged him, tossing him upon its horns and attempting to gore him. Only Mr. Quapshot's quick thinking and use of defensi ve magic saved him from serious injury. As it is, he is still recovering from his experience in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.

This Division must deplore your apparent disregard for our instructions and protest most strongly at this attack on our representative by your uncontrolled "pets". We insist that you dispose of all your magical creatures immediately, and a team of representatives will be visiting your home in the next few days to ensure that this procedure has been carried out.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 9 * *

To: Mrs. Doris Crockford

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Mrs. Crockford,

We understand that for the last two months you have been employed as a cook at the well-known Diagon Alley hostelry, the Leaky Cauldron. We have received several letters of complaint from witches and wizards who have dined recently at the Leaky Cauldron, alleging that some of the food served there has contained inappropriate ingredients. Specifically, they allege that a dish advertised as "Chicken Casserole" actually contained meat from a Mackled Malaclaw, and that since dining at the Leaky Cauldron they have been suffering from various unpleasant symptoms including "a high fever and an unsightly greenish rash". I am sure that you are aware that it is against wizarding law to serve Malaclaw meat, since its flesh is unfit for human consumption.

There have also been allegations that your menu has featured "Roast Leg of Beef with Mushrooms" which actually contained Mooncalf meat and Horklumps. The Beast Division would have to object strongly to any culinary use of Mooncalves or Horklumps. We are writing to the landlord of the Leaky Cauldron by this post to inform him that an inspection of the premises will be carried out by a Ministry team, which will have the power to close down your kitchen, should they find breaches of the 1943 Wizarding Food Act.

We hope most strongly that these allegations will prove to be unfounded.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

* * 10 * *

To: Professor Alastor Moody

From: Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

Beast Division

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

The Ministry of Magic

Dear Professor Moody,

You appear to take pleasure in ignoring the instructions of the Ministry with regard to the dangerous beasts you are using to guard your home from whatever danger you imagine yourself to be in. It is now several days since the last time we requested you to dispose of all these creatures, and we are informed that you have done nothing to comply with our request. Indeed, we have been appalled to receive information that you have actually added an Occamy and a Sphinx (both M.O.M. Classification XXXX) to your "defences" during the last two days.

Polite requests and Ministry letters clearly mean nothing to one as paranoid about his own protection as yourself (or, indeed, one who cares so little about the potential risks to his visitors and neighbours). This Division's responsibility is to protect the public and prevent irresponsible ownership of magical creatures. This letter, therefore, is to inform you that a deputation from the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures will be visiting you shortly, together with a trained squad from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. We are sorry to have to take these extreme measures, but feel that this is the only course left open to us in view of your lack of co-operation.

Yours sincerely,

Yolanda Stirrup-Cluck

The End

Please review! And if you have a brilliant idea for another problem Yolanda could deal with, please let me know and I'll consider writing a sequel!

 

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