Disclaimer: This is a satire of Fantastic Beasts & Where
To Find Them by J. K. Rowling. All the creatures mentioned henceforth
are from the Harry Potter books and are Rowling’s either by invention
Guide to the Classification of Beings
What is a being?
In 1811, Minister of Magic Grogan Stump defined a "being" as "any
creation that has sufficient intelligence to understand the laws of
the magical community and to bear part of the responsibility in shaping
those laws." This remains the Ministry’s official stance to this day,
even though many of the creatures regarded as beings do not fit this
criterion. On the opposite end, lycanthropes, which possess human intellect
all but one night per month, are regarded as beasts.
As the ministry does not feel it necessary to designate classifications
for beings, virtually the same "scale of dangerousness" as used for
beasts has been adapted for this purpose.
XXXXX - Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate
XXXX - Dangerous / requires special knowledge / skilled wizard may
XXX - Competent wizard may cope
XX - Harmless / may be domesticated
X - Boring
An A-Z Directory of Beings
Dementors have tall humanoid shapes and are traditionally clothed in
long black hooded robes. Little is known about their appearance underneath,
but accounts have been given detailing grey, rotting flesh. They are
intelligent creatures that understand human speech, but are not capable
of reproducing it.
Dementors will perform tasks issued to them by humans, as evidenced
by their assignment to guard the wizard prison Azkaban. This, however,
makes them in no way domesticated. They are truly dark and self-serving
creatures that only desire to drain the hope, happiness, and even the
will to live from their human victims. There has never been an actual
murder committed by a dementor, for they suck out the souls of their
victims leaving them hollow, but alive. No method of killing dementors
has ever been discovered. They are only known to be deterred by direct
sunlight and the Patronus charm.
Giants are massive creatures, reaching heights of up to twenty feet.
They are well known for their colossal strength and violent temperaments,
a dangerous combination for they sometimes destroy entire human towns
when their anger is aroused. They can interbreed with humans, producing
offspring nearly twelve feet tall. Even so, Giants are nearing extinction;
they were already greatly endangered before the Dark Wars, when many
were exterminated by Aurors. Having been driven out of their natural
habitats by wizards, they now mostly take shelter in remote mountainous
Goblins have the basic form of a human, but with some very noticeable
differences. They rarely exceed a height of four feet, and have long
faces with sharply pointed chins. They can communicate fluently with
humans, and have readily incorporated themselves into the wizarding
world. Their strength and long, clever fingers and toes are admirably
suited work in the mines where they often hunt for gold and jewels,
of which they are exceptionally fond.
Goblins are not dangerous unless angered. They are greedy and extremely
clever, which leads them to spend much of their time tricking people
out of their money. They will not kill without cause like humans do,
but when they feel they have been swindled, especially out of gold,
they have been known to war with wizards. See Bathilda Bagshot’s A
History of Magic for details about the goblin rebellions.
Hags resemble very ugly old women. They are, in fact, evil spirits;
this is why they glide rather than walk. The Ministry did not put them
in the spirit division, however, because they may become solid at will.
Hags are capable of human interaction, but normally shy away from people
unless eating their children.
House elves are small green creatures that speak constantly in the
third person and seem to exist for the express purpose of serving wizards.
In an unusual turn of events, they look down upon goblins, which are
free and self-serving, calling them "common." They posses a natural
form of rather powerful magic, but rarely use it except in assisting
their masters. They are some of the mildest creatures in existence,
and there are no records of house elves harming any other creature.
Humans have doubly earned the XXXXX rating for, in addition to the
murders committed by every one of the subspecies, the human male is
one of the hardest creatures to domesticate. Very few human women have
been successful in training their mates to respond to such commands
as "put the toilet seat down" and "use a coaster."
Muggles have been responsible for a great many wizard killings throughout
history. The violence peaked in the 1600’s with the so-called "witch
trials." Luckily for the witches convicted the most popular method of
execution was burning, which can be actually quite enjoyable if the
proper flame freezing charm is used. Not so lucky were those sentenced
to death by hanging, or by drowning in the local duck pond.
Muggles today generally refuse to believe in magic, and mostly focus
on killing each other with a type of metal wand called a "gun."
Squibs come from wizarding families, but through some genetic anomaly
they exhibit no signs of any magical ability. Because of this many squibs
become bitter and even violent in their resentment, but they are still
not as dangerous as other humans for they cannot use wands and have,
for the most part, no knowledge of muggle weapons.
Wizards, also commonly referred to as warlocks, are the most egocentric
of all the intelligent beings, setting up laws and systems of government
and expecting all other species to conform to them. Their magic is flashy
and complicated, but very little of it is of practical use. They have
even been known to create charms for the sole purpose of making their
nose hair grow into ringlets. Nearly all wizard magic relies on special
tools to work properly, so although a witch or wizard may be extremely
powerful when holding a wand, they are virtually defenseless when unarmed.
Vampires are perhaps the beings best known for their violent tendencies.
As vampires feed off the blood of humans, even sympathizers must agree
this reputation is well deserved. If in this feeding the vampire drains
all of the blood from the human’s body the person will die and rise
the next night as a vampire. Vampires differ from humans in that they
cannot be seen in mirrors, cast shadows, or cross running water. They
are immune to most weapons, mortal and magical alike, but can be destroyed
by direct sunlight, beheading, or a wooden stake through the heart.
Because of their conspicuous discrepancies from human behavior, records
of vampirism even in Muggle communities date back to ancient Babylon.
But except for small cult-like groups, whose extreme distortions of
vampires are enough to bring any properly educated creature to tears,
most modern-day Muggles simply refuse to acknowledge the existence of
Veela, like most other beings, appear much like humans. They look to
be extraordinarily beautiful women and have hypnotic powers, mesmerizing
human males with their dance. Only when angered do Veela reveal their
true horrendous visages. In their proper form they are half-bird with
long, sharp beaks and scaled wings. With their illusory beauty gone,
they lose their more subtle hypnotic powers and take more direct action
against enemies, such as throwing fire.