Yet if Hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream
~ Edgar Allan Poe
last rays of sunlight fell over the lake, illuminating the surface with an almost
orange glow, the last remains of the day that was slowly coming to an end. The
worst day of his life.
A pair of green eyes focused on the sky, now turning gray, matching Harry’s
mood. Soon, the little bit of sunlight
that was left would be gone, and even the beautiful picture of the sunset couldn’t
make him feel better about what he was about to do.
chilly autumn wind made him shiver and wrap his cloak more tightly against his
body, but the cold did not disappear. It seemed like his insides were frozen,
almost as if someone had thrown a freezing spell at him. But he was doing this
opened his mouth, feeling the need to cry, but he closed it before any sound
could come out of it. What was the point in crying out, when he knew this
had to be done?
silence hung heavy around him, and for the first time in two years he wished
for the silence around him to be broken, for someone to reach out and make him
happened. The wind continued to blow, making him shiver, but he did not move,
nor did he try to cover himself again. This time, he opened himself to being
tears began to fall slowly, one by one, brought on by the memories, good and
bad ones. Playing
in the Forbidden Forest
A Saturday in the library with Hermione. Saving
Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets. Finding Sirius
again. The best moments
of his life had been spent at Hogwarts, and going off to take part in the on-going
war seemed almost a bad dream.
it wasn’t. He had always known there would come the time when he had to leave.
Not because he was the only one who could defeat Voldemort, not to get revenge
and not because he wanted to be the hero, but because he could no longer bear
another second hiding at Hogwarts, going to classes, pretending that everything
was all right while a war was going on. A war he should be taking part in.
there wasn’t anything he could do to help. Maybe he wasn’t that important in
the grand scheme of things. He probably wasn’t. His scar pains would probably
only hinder him in battle, not help him. But he could feel them getting worse
by the day, and the knowledge that Voldemort was getting closer to everything
and everyone he loved was all he needed to make up his mind.
silence was getting unbearable, and for a whole second he considered going back
inside, to his friends, to Ginny. But he quickly erased that thought from his
here at Hogwarts would only end up hurting them. He had to smile at his own
conclusion. There was nothing he could do about Ron and Hermione. They were
old enough to leave if they wanted to, but Ginny ...at least he could keep her
safe for a few more months. And maybe, a few months would be all he needed to
get her out of his mind, his skin, his heart.
sank to the floor and rested his head against a tree. Somehow he doubted that
he could ever get Ginny out of his heart. She had taken up residence, filling
the emptiness inside him with light, and hope and love. The tears froze on
his cheeks and he quickly wiped them off and got to his feet.
last thing he wanted was for her to find him like this.
wasn’t one of his strong points, that he could admit.
He had very little experience with it, not only in the romantic sense, but in
the family sense as well. The first
time he had taken a look at the Weasley family he
had been reminded of all he had been missing, and it had made him jealous.
parents had loved him, he was sure of that. But when he closed his eyes, he
could not make out his mother’s face, and he could not remember the loving embrace
of his father, so the knowledge of their love seemed somehow incomplete.
led him to the Dursleys, who hadn’t exactly been
a loving family. The years spent with them had been filled with many things:
loneliness, bitterness, despair, but never love. Not even hope.
had been provided by Ron and Hermione, the first to ever make
him feel loved. It had always been easy with them, maybe because they had formed
a bond from the beginning, or maybe because they had survived so many dangers
together. Words had never been necessary with them. They were glances, unspoken
messages, intuition. In the end, they just knew.
Sirius things had been completely different. You never knew where you stood
with Sirius, he had decided last year after one of their fights. One moment
he was happy, a second later he was being overprotective, and then minutes later,
he was back to normal again. Harry had often joked
that Sirius and he could never have a civil conversation if Remus wasn’t present,
and that was usually true. Harry’s old teacher often seemed to be the only one
who could truly reach Sirius, and Harry appreciated that. They were the only
links he had to his parents, and Harry knew without a doubt that both would
give their lives to protect him. He had, in turn, often showed that he would
be willing to make the same sacrifice for both of them, and he was sure they
were aware of that.
left him with Ginny.
amazing how complicated things get once you get mixed up with a girl¨,”
Sirius had told him once with a boyish twinkle in his eyes, and now
more than ever Harry understood exactly what Sirius meant. Ginny was ...words
failed him when describing Ginny. Words often failed him when he was around
her, but there was no mistaking his feelings.
He had danced around her long enough, pretending not to know while being
perfectly aware that the feeling would not go away with time. And when he had
finally admitted to her what they had both known for a while, he had discovered
how truly magical the world could be when someone loved you as much as she loved
because he knew how she felt, he had to do this. She would never do it herself.
She would never leave him.
shut his eyes tightly to block out the mental image of her face. He couldn’t
think of her. Not now. If he did, he would never be able to go through with
it. And he had to. Facing Voldemort was his duty, not hers and he would not
allow her to sacrifice herself for him.
hurt her, a voice was telling
him, an ethereal voice that seemed to come out from the lake. A gentle whisper
brought to him by the wind.
knew it would hurt her. But in the end, it might also save her, and for that
he was willing to risk it.
hurt her, the voice said again, and he did his best to block it out. She
should have never got close to him. He shouldn’t have allowed it. But she had,
and now she was suffering. He could take her suffering for him, but not dying
for him. Not that.
turned around sharply at the sound of her voice calling for him, and he stared
at her, drinking in her appearance, memorizing every curve, every line, every
shadow and saving them for later. For when he was alone
and tired, and about to give up. Because he knew that in that moment,
all he would have to do would be close his eyes, and she would be there with
him. And with his eyes closed he would remember her beautiful brown eyes, the
play of the light on her face, the shade of her flushed cheeks. And she would
be his, and only his.
was smiling at him when he finally focused on her face, her head tilted to the
right and she stepped into his arms easily and quickly. He closed his eyes and
held her tight, once more marveling at how perfectly they fit together, as if
they were made for each other. Her small arms surrounded his neck, and he circled
her waist and hugged her even more tightly, enjoying the feel of her body against
love you,” he told her, and his voice quavered as he said the words.
looked into his eyes, concern evident on her face. “What’s wrong Harry?” she
asked. He could see her struggling to come up with a reason for his strange
but he didn’t mind. He just wanted to have her in his arms one
more time, so he held her close and memorized the feel of her arms and the wonderful
way in which she rested her head against his shoulder.
he let go of her.
wrong?” she asked, her eyes filled with pain, and this time her voice shook
almost as much as his.
leaving,” he answered, his eyes focused on the floor, unable to look at her
in the face. “And I have to go alone.”
gasped and stared at him for what seemed like and eternity. Then her mouth opened,
but no words came out of it. She took a deep breath to regain her voice and
asked him, “The war? Is that it?” her voice filled with so much pain that he
almost took it back. But he couldn’t. He had to go. For
have to,” he told her hollowly, as he stared into the lake once again, still
unable to meet her eyes.
heard a muffled cry and seconds later she was in his arms again, holding him
tight, whispering terms of endearment, begging him not to go.
hug me,” he whispered brokenly. “It only makes me want to never let go.”
don’t go,” she pleaded with him, holding him tight and placing soft kisses on
hugged her tightly once more, then with a tremendous
effort, pushed her aside. He looked at her face for the first time since he
delivered his words and his eyes seemed to linger on her face for a very long
time. He could see how much he was hurting her. Tears trickled down her cheeks,
tracing the swirls of her freckles before freezing on the tip of her nose, but
she never even bothered to wipe them away.
She looked into his eyes just before he turned around, and the “I love you”
she was planning to say wouldn’t come out. She stood still and silent while
he walked away from her, and the moment he vanished
from he sight her control seemed to abandon her and she collapsed onto the ground.
Her shoulders heaved and she gasped while the tears continued to fall without
hate you, Harry Potter” she whispered bitterly. “I hate you for thinking that
I’ll wait for you. I hate you for thinking that I’ll always love you.”
...” she murmured softly to herself. “I hate you for being right.”
chilly autumn wind cut into her face and she hugged her knees, trying to block
out the cold from the wind that sliced into her neck, making her feel frozen
inside as she stared for what seemed a very long time at the path were Harry
had disappeared, feeling more alone and hollow than ever.
be continued ...
Not only has this taken way longer than anything I’ve
ever written, it has also been revised several times, planned more carefully
than I’ve ever planned anything,and it’s a much
more sirius fic than
anything I’ve ever attempted before, not to mention longer, so I hope it doesn’t
suck and you all enjoy. The title needs some explaining, I guess..
means Beloved in gaelic. My boyfriend is Irish, and
that’s one of his favorite words, so I borrowed it. I think it fits with the
story. This story is for my cyber-sisters, as always, and for Paula and Anne,
for all their help.