The Sugar Quill
Author: Caderyn  Story: Hogwarts Diaries  Chapter: Fred's I'm-trying-to-look-sensitive Book
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Fred Weasley’s I’m-trying-to-come-across-as-sensitive-by-having-a-‘Journal’ Book

Fred Weasley’s I’m-trying-to-come-across-as-sensitive-by-having-a-‘Journal’ Book


Jolly Good Day to you, Chaps!

Normally, I don’t care if someone read this ‘journal’ because it would actually make me look more sensitive (read: irresistible) to the ladies. But since the nature of the information that I am about to divulge is strictly classified between me and another person (and I had sworn to this person that I won’t tell, on the threat of growing an extra nose!), I will put a rather nasty hex on this specific entry. So if you are still reading until this very point, I suggest that you turn back now and put my ‘journal’ where you found it (in case you’d forgotten, that would be above the case marked ‘carnivorous bunny slippers’ and beneath the box of Body-Parts-Extravaganza).

Right, still not listening to me? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Hold on… Wait for it… Bam! Right now, your eyes should be at the back of your head, your lips on your forehead, your ears on your wrists, your nose on your neck, and your nails on where your mouth should be. Since I’m the only one who could fix it, I suggest that you go down and find me. In case, you can’t find me, Madam Pomfrey would be a very wise second choice. Dear old lady, that woman… Got me out of endless nasty circumstances…

          Well, now that’s taken care of, let’s move on. Now, the person that I’ve given my word to is Katie Bell. Yes, my dear twin-brother’s girlfriend. What, you ask, are we keeping from him? Well, unfortunately, it’s not as simple as a surprise prank-a-licious birthday party. I’ll start from the beginning.

          It was a normal Saturday morning: the sun was shining, the wind was blowing, and the Quidditch pitch was just lying there, looking pretty all by itself. Most people had gone to Hogsmeade, so no one wanted to waste a beautiful day by practicing Quidditch. That’s right, Oliver’s no longer at school and our dear new captain Angelina preferred to waste a wonderful Saturday doing her Arithmancy essay. This is a direct quote from the lovely Miss Johnson: ‘Bugger off Fred!’ (Note: this is a censored version. Quite more, um, ‘colourful’ words came out of her charming mouth) ‘I really need to do well on this essay or else Vector’s going to kill me! Go blow up some toilets or something.’ Interesting suggestion, but way too easy. Anyway, spending a nice day with my girlfriend in Hogsmeade was out of the question. George had detention that morning. He accidentally on purpose spilled shrinking potion all over Leonard Capitonis’ head (a Slytherin famous for his metaphorically and literally big head). It was classic! I would have done it myself if Snape hadn’t put me all the way across the room. But at least I couldn’t have been blamed and George was left doing detention solo. I couldn’t go with Lee and Alicia because they had repeatedly announced that they wanted no company today (Lord knows what they were going to do – they had been rather uptight at school because they didn’t want anyone to know that they were going out – I suppose in Hogsmeade they could do as ‘freely’ as they wished). I had nothing better to do than practice Quidditch.

          As I carried my gear to the Quidditch pitch, I saw two figures standing at the edge of the field. Katie was facing my way and the other figure, who had his back to me, was Christopher Knight (a 6th year who’d just become the new Hufflepuff Seeker). From the horrified look on her face, it was very obvious that he was flirting his head off. Everyone knew that Knight had a thing for Katie but the bloke never seemed to get the point that she was taken. George thought that this was hilarious and was rather flattered that his girlfriend was ‘desired’. Oh well, I’d gladly do the dirty for him. Not to self: bribe the elves into putting cockroach clusters in Knight’s dinner tonight.

          Suddenly, Katie noticed me coming. For a moment she looked like she was considering something before resolve crept into her expressions. She then plastered on the biggest smile (you’d think that she’d won the Order of Merlin or something) and ran towards me while calling out, ‘GEORGE!’ Before I could shout out that I was Fred, she put her arms around me and gave me a peck on the lips!

          Katie, I’m…’

          Ssshhh!!’ She put a finger on my lips and pulled me into an embrace. She pleaded into my ear, ‘Listen, Fred, you’ve got to help me out. Christopher won’t leave me alone! I tried telling him that George was coming to practice with me but he doesn’t believe me! Please, please, pleeeaaase, just play along… Pretend you’re George!’

          Katie, dear. If you desperately want to snog me, then all you have to do is ask…’

          Fred, I’m really desperate, here. Otherwise, I wouldn’t sink THAT low.’

          ‘Gee, Katie. You’re really not familiar with the fine art of sucking up to people, are you?’

          ‘All right, I’m sorry. I’m just REALLY irritated right now. So will you help?’

          ‘How far are you talking here? Hug? Peck? Pash? Groping? Lord knows the school’s seen you two do more!’

          She squeezed my ribs so hard that I couldn’t breathe. ‘Just make it believable, ok? We just have to get rid of him.’

          ‘Fine, but for the record, I’d just like to say that I love Angelina very much and that I’m using you as a shield if she ever finds out.’

          We both turned at the same time. I put my arm around her waist and we walked together towards Knight. Damn, was it awkward! Any wretch could tell that we’d never done this before.

          Knight welcomed us with the biggest look of confusion on his face. ‘Um, Katie, isn’t that Fred?’

There should be a rule against overly-observant little prats. The bloke’s seen me and George five times and he can tell us apart? My own mother confuses us!

          Christopher, really, do you think I would confuse Fred with my own wonderful boyfriend?’

          ‘Yeah, sorry to disappoint you, mate, but I’m very much George.’ For emphasis’ sake, I gave her a little kiss on the lips.

          Knight wasn’t convinced. ‘But I heard that George had detention and I’m sure I saw him walking to Snape’s office…’

          ‘Um, well, you heard wrong. That was FRED. He was the one who got detention.’

          ‘I suppose…’ But then a look of mischief (I’d recognise it anywhere) spread across his face and Knight added, ‘Then, you guys wouldn’t mind accompanying me to Hogsmeade, would you? I’d LOVE to hear about how you two got together.’


          ‘Well, we have to practice Quidditch. You know how it is. First match coming and all. We need all the extra practice…’

          ‘You can’t possibly train with only a chaser and a beater, can you? Don’t you need the whole team?’

          ‘Um, Fr… George can be the keeper while I try to score. Don’t worry, we’ve done this so many times before.’

          ‘All right, if you say so…’ He looked really dejected and turned towards the castle. Katie and I were about to do our victory dance when he added, ‘Oh, I’ll make sure to get Angelina for you guys when I go back to the castle. The Captain should supervise all training sessions, you know.’

          Without even looking at her, I was sure that both of us were imagining Angelina cursing us to oblivion for sending this little 6th year to disrupt her deep concentration. Not a pretty image.

          ‘On second thought, I’ve had about enough practice, wouldn’t you say, Katie?’

          ‘Yeah, Hogsmeade sounds good.’

          Knight’s stupid clever face positively lit up. ‘Good, it’s settled then. You two are coming with me.’

          The trip to Hogsmeade was weird, at best. Katie’s brother, Michael (happened to be Knight’s best friend) kept looking at us. He must have known that I wasn’t George but chose to keep his mouth shut. Katie had probably threatened him with a death wish while Knight wasn’t looking.

          Katie and I spent the walk whispering back and forth to get our stories straight. I knew most of the details because George tells me everything. Well, maybe not ALL the intimate moments. But I REALLY did not want to know.

          As we entered the Three Broomsticks, I prayed that Lee and Alicia weren’t there. They’d be certain to expose us. Plus, imagine the ‘interesting’ story they’d bring back to Angelina and George! But thankfully, they weren’t there. I heard Katie give a breath of relief as she realised the same thing. I wasn’t worried about all the other people. Most people couldn’t tell us apart, and even if they could, once they saw me with Katie, they’d naturally assume that I was George.

          When Knight told us he wanted to hear ‘our’ love story, he wasn’t joking! He asked about details that even George wouldn’t know. Damn that clever git! Still, we both put on a spectacular performance, if I may say so myself (with just the right amount of pecks, squeezes, and ‘sweetums’).

But Knight showed no sign of shutting up. There was only thing to do. The little prat was just asking us how many stems of flowers ‘I’ had given her in the overall course of ‘our’ relationship, when we just sort of reached for each other and started pashing. Yup, that was the big secret. I made out with my brother’s girlfriend in public. Angelina and I don’t even do that. It was pleasantly odd. Katie was a really good kisser (this is all I’m going to say: enough tongue and perfect pressure), but there was just nothing there. I was thinking of Angelina throughout the whole thing.

          It went on for a solid ten minutes and when we broke apart for air, Knight was gone. Probably went off somewhere to mend his poor broken heart. I really felt sorry for the bloke, but the little prat just wouldn’t get a clue.

          Michael was still there, however, ‘Well, that was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. I hope you’re happy, Katie. Christopher’s not going to shut up about it all night.’ He then took off, probably after Knight.

          ‘Thank you so much Fred! That was really excellent!’ Katie ecstatically hugged me.

          ‘You, Miss Bell, are one good actress. And not a bad snog, I must say. I can see why my brother is so keen on you.’

          ‘Why thank you, Fred. Angelina is awfully lucky herself.’

          But before we got too excited, I noticed that one particular set of eyes was dangerously fixed on us.

          Ron! He was watching us very suspiciously. He’d seen the whole thing. Not good.

          Katie and I both scrambled to where Ron was sitting.

          ‘This isn’t what it looks like.’

          ‘We can explain everything.’

          Ron narrowed his eyes. ‘So it IS you, Fred. How could you?’

          Ron, George was in detention…’

          ‘Oh, REALLY clever. Of course he wouldn’t have known…’ interrupted Ron.

          ‘No, no, no, just shut up and listen, will you? You see, Katie needed help…’

          ‘With what? Cleaning her teeth? You sure did a fine job of that with your tongue!’

          ‘No, Ron, will you listen? Do you know Christopher Knight?’ Katie asked exasperatedly.

          Ron snorted a ‘yes’.

          ‘Well, he wouldn’t leave me alone this morning. I tried telling him that I was meeting George, but he wouldn’t believe me. Then Fred came along and there was nothing else I could do. I had to make him pretend that he was George to get rid of Christopher!’

          ‘You sure weren’t pretending with the little stunt that you just pulled...’ Ron said quietly.

          I replied, ‘Ron, Fred Weasley and good kisser usually go together in a sentence?’

           ‘There was no other way we could get rid of Christopher. He was asking all these ridiculous questions and wasn’t going to back down. We had to make one big move to finish it all. It was only a kiss. It meant nothing! I was thinking of George the whole time!’

          I pretended to be offended, ‘Well, I must say that you were really rude, Katie. I think you’ve just shattered my pride!’

          Fred, you really aren’t helping here…’

          ‘But my precious, precious pride! Why I…’

          Katie shot me a look that shut me up.

          ‘Right. Um, yes. The kiss, Ron. Felt nothing, meant nothing, thinking of Angelina the whole time.’

          ‘Come on, Ron. I appreciate you looking after George, but there’s really nothing going on between Fred and me. Besides, I could do so much better than Fred.’

          ‘Yeah, Ron. Angelina’s way too hot for me to cheat on her…’

          Ron looked at us for a moment before breaking his grin, ‘Yeah, I guess that was sort of stupid. You two together! That’s hilarious! Can’t wait to tell George about this!’

          Katie stepped closer to Ron, ‘Um, about that. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell George about this. He might get a good laugh from it, but I’m just not comfortable with him knowing that I’ve pashed Fred. I mean I wouldn’t be too excited to hear if George had snogged Angelina…’

          ‘Yeah, Angelina would probably kill me if she finds out. Not because she’d be blinded by jealousy, but because she wasn’t here to laugh at the whole thing. And since I love being alive, she shouldn’t probably know about this. So just shut up about the whole thing, will you?’

          ‘Oh, all right. But Hermione saw the whole thing, too.’

          It was the first time I noticed that Hermione was there as well. Ron had picked a particularly dark corner to sit. I looked for the third member of the ‘musketeers’. ‘Where’s Harry?’

          ‘Um, well, you know. He decided to go to Honeydukes because he, um, needed more… pepper imps.’

          ‘And you two just made sure that you saved him a seat in the darkest corner?’

          ‘Are you two on a date?’ Katie squealed.

          ‘No! We are just here to talk and drink butterbeers. Last time I checked, those weren’t crimes worthy of an interrogation!’ Ron shouted, a bit too eagerly. His face (his blessed Weasley face!) could not lie, since it started to turn into a horrible shade of red. Hermione didn’t say a word, but she was fanning herself.

          Katie smiled and was about to say something, but thought better of it. ‘Well, you won’t say anything, will you Hermione?’

          ‘No, of course not,’ she answered very quickly.

          I put my arm around Ron’s neck and pulled him aside, ‘Is little Ronniekins finally becoming a man? Way to go, little brother! I’d expect you to stay innocent longer, but if you insist… There’s much to learn, so don’t hesitate to ask me for the answers to any queries, problems, suggestions… I think mum would be very interested to hear about the developments…’

          Ron pushed me aside and called me something that I can’t actually write here because this is my ‘I’m-trying-to-come-across-as-sensitive’ book. Note to self: record it in my Jokes, Pranks, and General Mischief book. Mum would’ve literally washed his mouth if she were there. I just thought that it was rotten of Ron to use something I had taught him against me.

          Katie and I decided to leave Ron and Hermione to go about their ‘business’. After stopping by Honeydukes to get some sweets, and Zonko’s to stock up some ‘essentials’, Katie and I walked back toward Hogwarts. We even managed to practice Quidditch for a while.

          She made me make my promise just before we reached the common room. ‘Fred, I want this to be our little secret. It’s not a big deal, but I just don’t want anyone to know. So give me your word that you won’t tell anyone.’

          ‘But Katie, I was just about to go to my room and spill everything to Melvin, my diary!’ I said in my mock feminine voice and gave her my most innocent face. Angelina hates it.

          Katie apparently did too. She just gave me a very irritated look.

          After several minutes of unrelenting stare, I couldn’t help it and burst out laughing. ‘All right. I swear that if I ever share what happened today with another soul, I’ll grow an extra nose.’

          Katie smiled at me and gave me a hug. ‘Thanks, Fred. I think I’ll go find George now.’

          So I went and visited Angelina. Being with Katie somehow made me miss Angelina. I know, I know, break open the gag bags!

          There you go. That was my big secret. It wasn’t that bad, was it? I just thought that I’d put it in here because I honestly have nothing better to do tonight. Well, actually, I think I might just go find Angelina and see if I could use my irresistible Weasley charm to pry her away from her precious dream land.



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