Jolly Good Day to you, Chaps!
Normally, I don’t care if
someone read this ‘journal’ because it would actually make me look more
sensitive (read: irresistible) to the ladies. But since the nature of the
information that I am about to divulge is strictly classified between me and
another person (and I had sworn to this person that I won’t tell, on the threat
of growing an extra nose!), I will put a rather nasty hex on this specific
entry. So if you are still reading until this very point, I suggest that you
turn back now and put my ‘journal’ where you found it (in case you’d forgotten,
that would be above the case marked ‘carnivorous bunny slippers’ and beneath
the box of Body-Parts-Extravaganza).
Right, still not listening to
me? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Hold on… Wait for it… Bam! Right now,
your eyes should be at the back of your head, your lips on your forehead, your
ears on your wrists, your nose on your neck, and your nails on where your mouth
should be. Since I’m the only one who could fix it, I suggest that you go down
and find me. In case, you can’t find me, Madam Pomfrey would be a very wise second
choice. Dear old lady, that woman… Got me out of endless nasty circumstances…
now that’s taken care of, let’s move on. Now, the person that I’ve given my
word to is Katie Bell. Yes, my dear twin-brother’s
girlfriend. What, you ask, are we keeping from him? Well, unfortunately, it’s not as simple as a surprise prank-a-licious birthday party. I’ll start from the beginning.
was a normal Saturday morning: the sun was shining, the wind was blowing, and
the Quidditch pitch was just lying there, looking
pretty all by itself. Most people had gone to Hogsmeade, so no one wanted to waste a beautiful day by
practicing Quidditch. That’s right,
Oliver’s no longer at school and our
dear new captain Angelina preferred to waste a wonderful Saturday
doing her Arithmancy essay. This is a direct quote
from the lovely Miss Johnson: ‘Bugger off Fred!’ (Note: this is a censored
version. Quite more, um, ‘colourful’ words came out of her charming mouth) ‘I
really need to do well on this essay or else Vector’s going to kill me! Go blow
up some toilets or something.’ Interesting suggestion, but
way too easy. Anyway, spending a nice day with my girlfriend in Hogsmeade was out of the question. George had detention that morning. He
accidentally on purpose spilled shrinking potion all over Leonard Capitonis’ head (a Slytherin
famous for his metaphorically and literally big head). It was classic! I would
have done it myself if Snape hadn’t put me all the
way across the room. But at least I couldn’t have been blamed and George was left doing detention solo.
I couldn’t go with Lee and Alicia because they had repeatedly announced that
they wanted no company today (Lord knows what they were going to do – they had
been rather uptight at school because they didn’t want anyone to know that they
were going out – I suppose in Hogsmeade they could do
as ‘freely’ as they wished). I had nothing better to do than practice Quidditch.
I carried my gear to the Quidditch pitch, I saw two
figures standing at the edge of the field. Katie was facing my way and the other
figure, who had his back to me, was Christopher Knight (a 6th year who’d
just become the new Hufflepuff Seeker). From the
horrified look on her face, it was very obvious that he was flirting
his head off. Everyone knew that Knight had a thing for Katie but the bloke never seemed to
get the point that she was taken. George thought that this was hilarious
and was rather flattered that his girlfriend was ‘desired’. Oh well, I’d gladly
do the dirty for him. Not to self: bribe the elves into putting cockroach
clusters in Knight’s dinner tonight.
Katie noticed me coming. For a moment
she looked like she was considering something before resolve crept into her
expressions. She then plastered on the biggest smile (you’d think that she’d
won the Order of Merlin or something) and ran towards me while calling out, ‘GEORGE!’ Before I could shout out that
I was Fred, she put her arms around me and
gave me a peck on the lips!
‘Ssshhh!!’ She put a finger on my
lips and pulled me into an embrace. She pleaded into my ear, ‘Listen, Fred, you’ve got to help me out. Christopher won’t leave me alone! I tried
telling him that George was coming to practice with me but he
doesn’t believe me! Please, please, pleeeaaase, just
play along… Pretend you’re George!’
‘Katie, dear. If you desperately want to snog me, then all you have to do is ask…’
‘Fred, I’m really desperate, here. Otherwise, I wouldn’t sink THAT low.’
Katie. You’re really not familiar with the fine art of sucking up to
people, are you?’
right, I’m sorry. I’m just REALLY irritated right now. So will you help?’
far are you talking here? Hug? Peck? Pash?
Groping? Lord knows the school’s seen you two do more!’
squeezed my ribs so hard that I couldn’t breathe. ‘Just make it believable, ok?
We just have to get rid of him.’
but for the record, I’d just like to say that I love Angelina very much and that I’m using
you as a shield if she ever finds out.’
both turned at the same time. I put my arm around her waist and we walked
together towards Knight. Damn, was it awkward! Any wretch could tell that we’d
never done this before.
welcomed us with the biggest look of confusion on his face. ‘Um, Katie, isn’t that Fred?’
There should be a rule against
overly-observant little prats. The bloke’s seen me
and George five times and he can tell us
apart? My own mother confuses us!
‘Christopher, really, do you think I would
confuse Fred with my own wonderful
sorry to disappoint you, mate, but I’m very much George.’ For emphasis’ sake, I gave her
a little kiss on the lips.
wasn’t convinced. ‘But I heard that George had detention and I’m sure I
saw him walking to Snape’s office…’
well, you heard wrong. That was FRED. He was the one who got detention.’
suppose…’ But then a look of mischief (I’d recognise it anywhere) spread across
his face and Knight added, ‘Then, you guys wouldn’t mind accompanying me to Hogsmeade, would you?
I’d LOVE to hear about how you two got together.’
we have to practice Quidditch. You know how it is.
First match coming and all. We need all the extra practice…’
can’t possibly train with only a chaser and a beater,
can you? Don’t you need the whole team?’
Fr… George can be the keeper while I try to score. Don’t worry,
we’ve done this so many times before.’
right, if you say so…’ He looked really dejected and turned towards the castle.
Katie and I were about to do our victory dance when he added, ‘Oh, I’ll make
sure to get Angelina for you guys when I go back to the castle. The Captain
should supervise all training sessions, you know.’
even looking at her, I was sure that both of us were imagining Angelina cursing
us to oblivion for sending this little 6th year to disrupt her deep
concentration. Not a pretty image.
second thought, I’ve had about enough practice, wouldn’t you say, Katie?’
Hogsmeade sounds good.’
stupid clever face positively lit up. ‘Good,
it’s settled then. You two are coming with me.’
trip to Hogsmeade was weird, at best. Katie’s
brother, Michael (happened to be Knight’s best friend) kept looking at us. He
must have known that I wasn’t George but chose to keep his mouth shut. Katie
had probably threatened him with a death wish while Knight wasn’t looking.
Katie and I spent the walk whispering
back and forth to get our stories straight. I knew most of the details because George tells me everything. Well,
maybe not ALL the intimate moments. But I REALLY did not want to know.
we entered the Three Broomsticks, I prayed that Lee and Alicia weren’t there.
They’d be certain to expose us. Plus, imagine the ‘interesting’ story they’d
bring back to Angelina and George! But thankfully, they weren’t there. I heard
Katie give a breath of relief as she realised the same thing. I wasn’t worried
about all the other people. Most people couldn’t tell us apart, and even if
they could, once they saw me with Katie, they’d naturally assume that I
Knight told us he wanted to hear ‘our’ love story, he wasn’t joking! He asked
about details that even George wouldn’t know. Damn that clever
git! Still, we both put on a spectacular performance,
if I may say so myself (with just the right amount of pecks, squeezes, and ‘sweetums’).
But Knight showed no sign of
shutting up. There was only thing to do. The little prat
was just asking us how many stems of flowers ‘I’ had given her in the overall
course of ‘our’ relationship, when we just sort of reached for each other and
started pashing. Yup, that was the big secret. I made out with my brother’s
girlfriend in public. Angelina and I don’t even do that. It was pleasantly odd.
Katie was a really good kisser (this is all I’m going to say: enough tongue and
perfect pressure), but there was just nothing there. I was thinking of Angelina
throughout the whole thing.
went on for a solid ten minutes and when we broke apart for air, Knight was
gone. Probably went off somewhere to mend his poor broken heart. I really felt
sorry for the bloke, but the little prat just
wouldn’t get a clue.
Michael was still there, however,
‘Well, that was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. I hope you’re happy,
Katie. Christopher’s not going to shut up about it all night.’ He then took
off, probably after Knight.
you so much Fred! That was really excellent!’ Katie ecstatically hugged me.
Miss Bell, are one good actress. And not a bad snog,
I must say. I can see why my brother is so keen on you.’
thank you, Fred. Angelina is awfully lucky herself.’
before we got too excited, I noticed that one particular set of eyes was
dangerously fixed on us.
He was watching us very suspiciously. He’d seen the whole thing. Not good.
Katie and I both scrambled to where Ron was sitting.
isn’t what it looks like.’
can explain everything.’
Ron narrowed his eyes. ‘So it IS
you, Fred. How could you?’
‘Ron, George was in detention…’
‘Oh, REALLY clever. Of course he wouldn’t have known…’
no, no, just shut up and listen, will you? You see, Katie needed help…’
‘With what? Cleaning her teeth? You sure did a fine job of
that with your tongue!’
Ron, will you listen? Do you know Christopher Knight?’ Katie asked exasperatedly.
Ron snorted a ‘yes’.
he wouldn’t leave me alone this morning. I tried telling him that I was meeting
George, but he wouldn’t believe me.
Then Fred came along and there was
nothing else I could do. I had to make him pretend that he was George to get rid of Christopher!’
sure weren’t pretending with the little stunt that you just pulled...’ Ron said quietly.
replied, ‘Ron, Fred Weasley and good kisser usually go
together in a sentence?’
‘There was no other way we could get rid of Christopher. He was asking all these
ridiculous questions and wasn’t going to back down. We had to make one big move
to finish it all. It was only a kiss. It meant nothing! I was thinking of George the whole time!’
pretended to be offended, ‘Well, I must say that you were really rude, Katie. I think you’ve just shattered
‘Fred, you really aren’t helping
‘But my precious, precious pride! Why I…’
Katie shot me a look that shut me up.
‘Right. Um, yes. The kiss, Ron. Felt nothing, meant nothing,
thinking of Angelina the whole time.’
on, Ron. I appreciate you looking after
George, but there’s really nothing
going on between Fred and me. Besides, I could do so much better than Fred.’
‘Yeah, Ron. Angelina’s way too hot for me to cheat
Ron looked at us for a moment
before breaking his grin, ‘Yeah, I guess that was sort of stupid. You two
together! That’s hilarious! Can’t wait to tell George about this!’
Katie stepped closer to Ron, ‘Um, about that. I’d
appreciate it if you didn’t tell George about this. He might get a good
laugh from it, but I’m just not comfortable with him knowing that I’ve pashed Fred. I mean I wouldn’t be too
excited to hear if George had snogged Angelina…’
Angelina would probably kill me if she
finds out. Not because she’d be blinded by jealousy, but because she wasn’t
here to laugh at the whole thing. And since I love being alive, she shouldn’t
probably know about this. So just shut up about the whole thing, will you?’
all right. But Hermione saw the whole thing,
was the first time I noticed that Hermione was there as well. Ron had picked a particularly dark
corner to sit. I looked for the third member of the ‘musketeers’. ‘Where’s Harry?’
well, you know. He decided to go to Honeydukes
because he, um, needed more… pepper imps.’
you two just made sure that you saved him a seat in the darkest corner?’
you two on a date?’ Katie squealed.
We are just here to talk and drink butterbeers. Last
time I checked, those weren’t crimes worthy of an interrogation!’ Ron shouted, a bit too eagerly. His face (his blessed Weasley face!) could not lie, since it started to turn into
a horrible shade of red. Hermione didn’t say a word, but she was fanning
Katie smiled and was about to say
something, but thought better of it. ‘Well, you won’t say anything, will you
of course not,’ she answered very quickly.
put my arm around Ron’s neck and pulled him aside, ‘Is little Ronniekins
finally becoming a man? Way to go, little brother! I’d expect you to stay
innocent longer, but if you insist… There’s much to learn, so don’t hesitate to ask me for the answers to any
queries, problems, suggestions… I think mum would be very interested to hear
about the developments…’
Ron pushed me aside and called me
something that I can’t actually write here because this is my
‘I’m-trying-to-come-across-as-sensitive’ book. Note to self: record it in my
Jokes, Pranks, and General Mischief book. Mum would’ve literally washed his
mouth if she were there. I just thought that it was rotten of Ron to use something I had taught
him against me.
Katie and I decided to leave Ron and Hermione to go about their
‘business’. After stopping by Honeydukes
to get some sweets, and
Zonko’s to stock up some ‘essentials’, Katie and I walked back toward
Hogwarts. We even managed to practice Quidditch for a
made me make my promise just before we reached the common room. ‘Fred, I want this to be our little
secret. It’s not a big deal, but I just don’t want anyone to know. So give me
your word that you won’t tell anyone.’
Katie, I was just about to go to my
room and spill everything to Melvin, my diary!’ I said in my mock
feminine voice and gave her my most innocent face. Angelina hates it.
Katie apparently did too.
She just gave me a very irritated look.
several minutes of unrelenting stare, I couldn’t help it and burst out
laughing. ‘All right. I swear that if I ever share
what happened today with another soul, I’ll grow an extra nose.’
Katie smiled at me and gave
me a hug. ‘Thanks, Fred. I think I’ll go find George now.’
I went and visited Angelina. Being with Katie somehow made me miss Angelina. I know, I know, break open the
you go. That was my big secret. It wasn’t that bad, was it? I just thought that
I’d put it in here because I honestly have nothing better to do tonight. Well,
actually, I think I might just go find Angelina and see if I could use my
irresistible Weasley charm to pry her away from her
precious dream land.